SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Never thought I'd be writing something like this, but here we are. Where to start? My husband and I have been together since 2008, married in 2021, had a baby in spring 24. After baby was born, we had a tough time - I found it really hard, had a very tough breastfeeding journey and some postpartum trauma. I felt like he was really distant and cold.

Then one morning, when I'd asked him to play with baby in the nursery as I'd been up all night, I saw him on the monitor, scrolling through something on his phone, ignoring baby completely. His mannerisms just looked sketchy, and I knew it was something dodgy. Sure enough, when I went in and confronted him, he was watching porn in front of our child. He realised straight away that it was a disgusting and possibly criminal thing to do. Very sorry etc...

Then over the next few days, he confessed a porn problem to me. He'd been lying in bed all the times I'd gone to feed our baby, watching it on a phone he'd told me was broken. He'd often carried on watching when I came back to bed, secretly under the covers right next to me. Never wanted to be intimate or close with me. I accused him of it once, when i saw he was on the phone in bed at 3am, but he got quite angry and gaslit me into believing I was imagining things. I was very easy to manipulate because I'd had such a hard time in the early months, it wasn't difficult to believe I was hormonal and losing my mind.

I was disgusted by the lying and especially putting our child in that position. He recognised it was vile behaviour and was clearly genuinely sorry. Said he felt like he'd woken up and realised he'd been a massive dickhead basically. I agreed to work on things as long as there was complete honesty.

Fast forward to the summer, I had my 40th birthday. Two days later, he came up to bed one night very quiet and ashamed. I asked him what was wrong. He took some coaxing but then admitted there was a big secret he needed to tell me. His first story was that once, quite early in our relationship, when he'd gone for a sports massage, the masseuse had touched his penis and asked if he'd like a happy ending. He'd said no. I told him he hadn't actually done anything wrong there and comforted him. After a while, he corrected himself, and told more of the story. Eventually, after a few days of half truths and weaseling, he told me everything I now know (whether it's really everything remains to be seen).

Over thr course of our relationship, he's actually had 5 happy endings from 'massage therapists'. One who also rubbed her breasts all over him. One of these was since we've been married. The others were quite spread out, not all at the beginning of our relationship or anything, years after we'd been living together and were obviously in a long term, committed relationship.

I know it's not the same as an affair- the emotional component isn't the same and I don't need to fear him leaving me for the other woman. But I'm devastated, and I don't know how to move forward with this man I thought would be my husband forever, who is the father of my beautiful child. I can't stop thinking about him enjoying these other women doing that to him. He's said he still finds the scenario of going to a masseuse very exciting and thinks about it. He thinks about porn scenarios all the time and pictures himself with porn stars a lot. He has a list of women he really likes, and whose back catalogue he has watched over and over, and the list is Not short. It has completely destroyed what little self esteem I had left. I feel so pathetic and old and ugly. I'll never match up to what those women look like. And then I feel angry that that's even my response when he has done all this!

I really don't know what to do. Watching porn in front of his child aside (and I know that is a huge, hideous aside) he is a brilliant dad. He's very involved, genuinely loves our baby and is great with them. Obviously he has not been a brilliant husband. I can't remember a time when he really made me feel good about myself. I'm not sure I feel love for him after all this. I feel incredibly hurt and betrayed that he went to these other women, and for years I was paranoid that something had happened (in retrospect, I got paranoid around the times he had had a "massage", and he treated me horribly around those times). He has lied to me for so long, and made me think I couldn't trust my own feelings for so long that I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. I know that sounds over dramatic but I honestly feel like I've woken up in the woods after being trapped in a prison cell for 17 years. I don't know whether i can or should stay with him. I don't know what's best for our baby. But I do know that if I leave, things will be financially extremely tough (my job is not secure or well paid) and I might not be able to give my baby the life I wanted for them.

I'm very confused, very scared, and I can't stop crying. What should I do?

[This message edited by Livedalieforyears at 2:56 PM, Thursday, October 2nd]

Betrayal is betrayal, whether it's a ONS, or prostitution, or a relationship of some sort. In most ways, a BSes respond in many similar ways, no matter how the BS was betrayed. IOW, we are brothers and sisters in pain, without regard to how we got here.

The main lesson to take form this, IMO, is that others have experienced being betrayed, survived, and thrived. You won't always feel the way you do now. You can heal. You can again lead a good life.

I think you're asking the right questions. Above all, IMO, is, 'Do you want to married to your WS?' That has to be asked and answered, and it often takes time to answer it. If you do want to spend the rest of your life with your WS, then his willingness to do hs work becomes important. If you decide he's not the partner you want, his willingness to change from cheater to good partner becomes irrelevant to you.

IMO, the best way to get an answer to the big Q is to heal, which means to me processing the anger, grief, fear, shame, etc. out of your body. Feeling the feelings lets them go, and that clears one's mind to answer the necessary questions. The confusion and fear you write about is normal, and you can heal from it. You can make good decisions when you're scared, but it's easier to decide when you've worked through your fear (and anger, grief, etc.). A good IC can help.

Have faith in yourself to come to good decisions if you let yourself feel as well as thing, if you're honest with yourself, if you open yourself to many options, and if you don't force yourself onto one path or another.

You've made a good start. Keep going.

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this trauma. Just know that you can deal with it and feel joy again, lead a good life, and be a great mom. Kids appear to do best in 2 parent families - if the parents live in a relationship that serves both of them. When the parents aren't in a good relationship? Lots of people say they wished they grew up from a broken M than in one.

What sort of support do you have?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:32 PM, Thursday, October 2nd]

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're joining us. The best club nobody wants to join. First, let me point out some resources for you. There are some posts pinned to the top of this forum that are very helpful. Some other helpful posts aren't pinned, but you can find them by looking for the bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there are some threads that you may find helpful.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful. Betrayal trauma is terrible and can mess with your health. Also, his treatment of you has been emotionally abusive.

Be sure to practice self-care and focus on you and your child. If you're having trouble with anxiety, depression or sleeping, ask your doctor for meds if you think you need them. Stay hydrated and be sure to eat, even if it's sipping a protein shake.

He hasn't been a brilliant dad. If he were a great dad, he would have supported you rather than doing porn. Instead of investing time into your relationship or his relationship with your child, he was involved with himself and his needs. What if he was watching porn near a park or school and got caught by somebody? They wouldn't be as nice to him as you are.

You may wish to visit a barrister to discover what your options are for ending the M (marriage). Knowledge is power.

The self-esteem does take a hit when you discover infidelity. One thing to know is that this is a character and moral issue for your WH (Wayward Husband). The decisions to cheat on you and lie are 100% his choice. There are very good looking stars that have been cheated on. It doesn't have anything to do with you, what you did or didn't do, said or didn't say - it's all on him.

This may be a good time to reflect on what you want in your relationship. One thing to remember is that your child will look at your relationship and base theirs on what you model. Is this a type of relationship that you'd want your child to have?

Sorry that you're here. Infidelity sucks.

Wow. This is me. I relate to so much you have said. My story….My husband has finally confessed to a porn addiction. During the times where I was struggling (prior to knowing anything) I had suspicions of something going on. Those gut instincts. My husband has the porn addiction but I also found a girl’s phone number listed under one of his friend’s (who past away) and saw a text about meeting her. I get the story that they met at the grocery store and I was pulling away and her attention made him feel good. He says nothing ever happened. However when I google the number it comes up as an escort. Then I found another number that also comes up as an escort. He claims nothing ever happened other than exchanging numbers. So while he has not had an actual affair (emotional or physical) he still has cheated. I have all the emotions like he had an affair but I don’t think he thinks he cheated. He’s never shed a tear, said he is sorry or said he would stop. He is doing everything to show me that he wants to stay together. I’ve asked him about the porn and if he has stopped and he says he is doing good but all I keep thinking is that he is just getting better at hiding it. HS sweethearts who would be married 30 yrs next May. I don’t know if I should leave or not.