SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yesterday, my psychiatrist asked me to put myself in my wife's shoes, as an "assignment," and let him know what I would do if I were her.

After the session, I became triggered and asked for clarification whether he was referring to the past or the present. After not hearing back from him, I emailed him and copied my wife—we both recently saw him for several sessions, and I needed to be honest with her. I wrote the following:

Thank you for seeing me this morning.

I'm copying M. with this email because I understand that marriage requires honesty and transparency.

Perhaps I’m overthinking your assignment, but I’m finding myself triggered and anxious. I’m uncertain whether you want me to put myself in M.'s shoes decades ago, when she began her infidelity, or today.

Concerning the former, if I found myself compelled to get into someone’s bed absent any contact with them anywhere other than at work—weeks before our wedding day—I would certainly not have proceeded with our "wedding." I would have honestly explained that I’m not ready to marry. Most importantly, I would never have proffered vows that were utter lies.

If I were to put myself in M.'s shoes today, I would recognize that the only way for my spouse to overcome and heal is with honesty. I would share the whole truth—not trickle truths and lies—to preserve "my dignity." I would accept that my choices have destroyed my spouse's life—and take immediate, responsible action to make things right today.

I’m trying to accept M.'s infidelity—living with her in the absence of trust. The days are challenging, and the nights are painful. It remains my hope that someday M. will put my need to hear a consistent, truthful narrative over her need to "bury" decades of betrayal and deceit that continues today.

Thank you for being there for me.

Well.... After not hearing my wife's thoughts on the email, I calmly asked what she thought. She stated, "That was one big dig!" Admittedly, I decompensated worse than I ever have, told her to get the F out of the house, punched the wall, and was ready to hang myself. I thought of my mother and my promise to turn to her first if I were ever not safe.

Fast-forward. My wife left the house, drove around overnight, and ultimately returned home. I apologized for my egregious comments and behavior.

Here's my dilemma. I shared the email with my psychiatrist, who just met with us, and my wife, because it was how I truly felt. I thought that modelling authentic, honest sharing of feelings might stimulate the same in her. Apparently, I was wrong.

I would welcome and appreciate your thoughts about this. Thank you, friends.

—Betrayed and trickled to death for over three decades.

I would ask your therapist and your wife if being honest about you feel -- is somehow offensive to them.

When I saw 'big dig' I thought it meant you dug deep for some of your feelings, and you did.

If by "dig" your wife was offended by your truth, that's a pretty big hill to climb.

I would still ask her how your pain offends her.

Twenty-five years.

Brother, I'm stumped right here. I've read your posts. All of them. I can, and usually do, emphasize with just about every member, betrayed and wayward.

For twenty-five years you've chosen this life. Don't blame your wife or therapists or anyone else.

Please understand that I am not trying to be an ass, to attack or judge. I'm simply trying to share what I see based upon what you have shared.

You're never going to get the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Expecting this to change seems like folly because it clearly never ceases to disappoint you that it never happens.

Chances are your WW has told so many lies, to herself more than you, over sooo many decades she couldn't do it anyway.

So what's the point of continuing to beat your head against a wall you're never going to crack?

Why keep choosing this life?

Because without the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth you can't heal? You've convinced yourself of this bullshit for twenty-five years and you wonder why you're losing your love for life?

Healing is a choice. For twenty-five years you've made a choice to fight a battle you cannot win.

What's it going to take to make a different choice?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 1:48 AM, Friday, October 17th]

I know this is going to maybe be a weird thing to say but I can empathize with both of you.

I can see how much pain this causes you after a very long investment in life with a women you meant your own vows with. I can understand how her insensitive reactions to you pain is only further degrading, dehumanizing, demoralizing, and infuriating.

And I have been in her shoes. When you have not worked on your own healing at all, you carry a toxic shame. Shame is not an emotion, it’s an underlying belief that you are bad. Having other people know your dirty secret only confirms what you already know, that you are bad and the person who knows you best and has lived you also now sees you have that mark of Cain so to speak. It can be difficult to face yourself, much less the disappointment of others. All while being a hollow person who only understands validation to come from external sources rather than from your solid belief in your own self.

This does not give her the right to keep hurting you, but until (a big if) she decides to lean into taking accountability and getting a more solid vision of what a better version of her as a person, wife, friend, parent, etc would look like then she is not going to be capable of meeting you where you are.

And certainly you should not be expected to meet her where she is, you should be honest and truthful. While she is recoiling from it and having a reaction to it, that doesn’t mean that it won’t make her think about it more and be water for her growth.

You should not think you did the wrong thing just because she reacted badly. Nothing you said was abusive in nature, it was simply what you should be able to do and that is share your pain. She will either learn to lean into that as part of her growth or she will not earn the chance to reconcile. I do not see how shielding her from the reality of the situation she has created will be helpful.