SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found that my husband cheated again. We’ve been married for 4 years and have a toddler together. The first time happened when I was 3 months postpartum. I found out about the affair on my birthday. I was deeply hurt and angry. My first reaction was to divorce him. When he was confronted about it, he wasn’t remorseful and said he didn’t consider this as cheating since it was just conversations. We separated for a few months and went to MC. We eventually got back to a good space.

Now fast forward to last week. The day after he returned from his trip with his best friends, I noticed he had a missed call from a woman whose number wasn’t saved, but her picture popped up. I thought it was weird at first but didn’t think too much of it. My thoughts were "he would be crazy to jeopardize our marriage again." Then I saw messages between him and his friend who was also on the trip. The messages confirmed that he was talking and physically cheated with this woman on the trip. After learning all this information, I was so heartbroken.

I confronted my husband about it. He denied it at first and said that wasn’t him in the messages and that was their other friend texting from his phone. He also wasn’t forthcoming with information when I asked him what exactly happened on the trip and who was the woman that called. Eventually I got answers and details, but by then my mind was already made up to get a divorce. He says he doesn’t want a divorce and how he loves me and wants his family to stay together. His actions clearly said otherwise. I think about our child and how my husband’s actions will cause major changes in our lives, but I also don’t want to stay "for the sake of the kids" and give my husband another opportunity to hurt me again and again. He says he won’t do it again, but I don’t believe him. I hate feeling like this.

It’s often said that married people shouldn’t have friends of the opposite sex.

Sometimes, we shouldn’t have friends of the same sex, either.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 6:40 AM, Friday, October 17th]

He says he won’t do it again, but I don’t believe him. I hate feeling like this.

Unfortunately he has lost all credibility.

I’m not sure what is going on in his head but he certainly is being selfish by putting his own ego ahead of the marriage.

The fact that you separated for a few months due to his cheating (which he claims wasn’t physical) and then he cheats again shoes you how little he values you, the marriage etc.

I think it might be a good idea for you to find your own counselor to help you decide what YOU want to do. Please don’t remain married just b/c you have a child. A child raised in an unhappy household with two parents who have serious issues is worse off than a child raised by two parents who choose to co-parent together in the best way possible for the sake of the child.

So sorry you are here with a second DDAY. You are right that his actions (and subsequent lies) do not match what he claims he wants.
Sometimes people show you who they are and you have to believe him.

Please take care of yourself like this is your first DDAY.
Get tested for STD/STI and do not have unprotected sex with your WS until he does the same AND SHOWS YOU THE RESULTS.
Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol and drugs, get some exercise daily, and try to get enough sleep. If you are having trouble with these talk to your doctor and try protein shakes.
Get your own IC to help you process all this. Find one who is trauma-trained if possible
See a lawyer or three. You do not have to file, but you need to understand what D would look like so you can plan and work from a place of knowledge not fear. Knowledge is power. You can file another day (or not) but this is an important step in taking control of your narrative.

Who do you have IRL to talk with?

Hang in there. you and your kiddo will make it through this.

If he believes you will give him yet another chance he has little motivation to change his behavior. The fact that he wasn't on his knees crying, begging for forgiveness shows that he is not too concerned about you leaving.

I would suggest making an appointment with a divorce attorney and letting your husband know that you are exploring your options. How he reacts to this information will give you a better idea how you should proceed for your own Safety and Security

As suggested I would skip the MC and find an IC for you and tell your husband he needs to find an IC to figure out what is broken or missing inside him and hopefully it can be fixed or found and until this happens you will not consider him someone you want to stay married to. If he refuses IC and tries to run sweep the affair then your best option maybe divorce

Most WS's try to minimize, deflect, gaslight, sweep the affair under the rug because that is what is easiest for them. If he is not willing to do anything and everything to save the marriage then in my opinion he doesn't consider the marriage very worthwhile or he is banking on you just letting it go because again that is what is easiest for him

You are in a great place for support. Most of us have been on the Betrayed side but we also have some WS's so you can get good perspective from both sides

Stay strong and do what is best for you and your child