SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I recently came across a series of videos about a couple; she is poly and he is monogamous. When they married, they were both monogamous until approximately year 17 when she decided she wanted to date others. Initially her husband was completely against it, but after "therapy" and essentially telling him he either allows this or they divorce, he relented. It's important to note that they have 2 young children which I definitely think factored into him staying.

In my opinion, she essentially coerced him into staying. Certainly no-one held a gun to his head and forced him to stay, but as a father myself, losing 50% of your time with the kids is unthinkable. She tries to frame this an empowering journey, but all of her discussions are focused on her feelings. She even mentions that her husband occasionally has issues with it and her response is "those are his feelings to deal with"

To be clear, while I don't approve of this kind of relationship, I'm not condemning those who choose it if both parties are on board from the start

Am I wrong to think she forced him into this?

It's a Faustian bargain, but still his choice.

I frame it as a mismatch between what they want from M and what they want to give to the M. It's much easier to say than do, but: shake hands and walk away, even if one or both parties is devastated.

Do the videos show anything about he the guy feels about his new M?

I agree with you that he was coerced. If he had asked me for advice, I would've told him that his marriage was over anyway; the only question was whether he preferred to endure months or years of humiliation and heart break before it ended or if he would prefer to get divorced while his dignity and sanity are still intact.

edit:add Ester Perel (for all the hate she gets here) actually has two great episodes on this very scenario on her podcast "Where Shall We Begin?" The episodes are called "You Want Me To Watch The Kids While You Go Out With Another Guy? (Parts 1 and 2)" The first episode was when the couple were just starting out with the open marriage; the second episode was a follow-up a year later. You can tell how deeply heartbroken the husband is in the first episode. By the second episode, he's a bitter, empty shell of a person.

Those episodes should be required listening for any person who is offered this particular Faustian bargain.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:09 PM, Wednesday, October 22nd]

I’ve seen one or two videos where he says he’s fine with it. Perhaps I’m projecting but He doesn’t give the vibe that he’s really on board with it. Certainly I can’t read his mind; he certainly could be telling the truth. But he went from being totally against to "for" it in the span of three months doesn’t pass the smell test.

If something is against polyamory, that would suggest it goes against their core beliefs on marriage and relationships. To do a complete 180 in such a short amount of times just doesn’t seem authentic.

What’s really troubling to me is how dismissive of his feelings. That’s it’s his feelings to deal with.

The husband has to say he's fine with it because the alternative is to admit to himself that he's allowing himself to be emotionally crushed and humiliated. That's the only way to keep going while in a state of cognitive dissonance.

There was a thread a while back where an OP was pressured by his wife to allow her to sleep with her ex-boyfriend. It was incredibly bizarre and frustrating to see the OP conducting Simone Biles-level feats of mental gymnastics to convince himself that he wasn't coerced into the situation (even though his wife had threatened divorce both before he agreed to the arrangement and after he told her he wanted her to break it off). He even went so far as to blame himself for her proposing the open marriage because she didn't feel loved enough by him.

But even generally speaking, I would say that self-blame and self-loathing are requirements for remaining in infidelity (or any abusive situation, for that matter). You have to believe-- or make yourself believe-- that the abuse isn't abuse... and if it is, then it's somehow justified.

Wow. That is sad to me. It sounds like she preyed on his fear and love of his children and her to manipulate things to what she wanted. So many questions, though. Is she really poly? Or is this her way of testing the waters of other shores to see if that is what she really wants, while keeping hubby watching the kids. It seems like she wanted a safe way to get her jollies. honestly, it feel one step better than cheating- he did get agency to choose what he wants to do - but it’s just her being as selfish.

It’s definitely coercion. She made threats that if he didn’t go along with it, she would divorce him. That’s pretty much textbook.
I’m just amazed at what people with low self esteem/no self respect will go along with.
If I tried to pull something like that, I’d fully expect the mailman to discover my peen in the mailbox. Or maybe even my head.

Haven’t seen the videos so I can only share what I think based on the original post:

If he’s emotionally strong enough to accept the arrangements willingly – with no coercion and always with the option open of having said no – then he’s also strong enough to chose divorce.
So I guess it boils down to if he’s content with his decision.