SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

Where to start... I've been married to my wife for 15 years. We've two kids who are 13 and 12. The eldest is on the spectrum and we have issues with tantrums and all the things that come with being on the spectrum. This plays a big part of our family life.

So, why am I here? I don't think my wife is cheating on me but I don't think she's being entirely honest and I would like your opinions on what I should do and where I should go from here?

First off, I snoop. I check her ChatGPT history and Google photo uploads. I occasionally look in her phone but she has a private telegram account that I can't see into. She's recently (just this weekend) changed her Whatsapp to have a face ID and changed her phone password. We haven't discussed this.

Where are my suspicions?
She started a new job a while ago and worked their previously part time. When she left the first time she said to one of her colleagues "They don't want me" to which her colleague replied "Well I want you". She told this to a friend via whatsapp.

A few months later after she started the job properly, she had a chatgpt chat about sexual harassment in the workplace. She said that a colleague was mucking around and encouraging her to see his penis and to touch it. She dismissed ChatGPT's advice and said that she was probably encouraging it.

I think I've lost trust in her but she's always been the flirty kind, but never acted upon it.

Roll on to this weekend and I was looking through her Google photos and saw in her trash, a picture of another mans penis. He has the same skin tone as this guy from work so I've put two and two together but haven't quite made 4. Did he send this or was it someone else? The file was a .png not a .jpeg as you'd expect from a camera phone picture. Since then, she's paused her Google photos uploads on my PC so I can't see them.
Now, a new development this morning. She's got a ChatGpt chat that asking "please help me politely message someone who is pursuing me. that I do find them attractive and they know but I'm married so I can't be doing the messaging and shouldn't be flirting"

She goes on to say "he's someone I know through a friend and I flirted with him a lot on a night out. He knows I'm married and said this on the night out which snapped me out of it!! He's been pursuing me by text ever since"

I think I know who this guy might be but then again, do I?

I'm going out of my mind here. What do I do? How do I bring up that I've seen her google photos and chatgpt without admitting I've been snooping?

I don't want my marriage to end and I don't believe she does too so I really need some advice or a friendly ear to help me out. I haven't spoke to anyone about this and honestly, I get so upset thinking about it that it makes me want to cry.

Drag this out into the daylight. If she accuses you of snooping ask her why she’s changing passwords and if she now believes that you have a lesser right to the truth of your marriage than she does. Order Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and read it with her.

Welcome The400Mini.

Nice to meet you but so sorry it had to be here.

My advice to keep digging and find irrefutable proof that she is indeed cheating on you.

Your wife changed her passwords because she knows that you are getting suspicious so she will try her best to cover her tracks.

You can hire a private investigator too and give the private investigator the evidence that you have.

If you tell your wife now that you are suspicious of her having an affair she will lie through her teeth and come up with some "snow story" to explain everything away that she's just innocently being harassed by the guy.

Sorry that you are struggling.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 12:57 PM, Tuesday, December 16th]

This is called playing with fire. It looks like she enjoys the attention she gets from men but might not take the next step into an affair.
I also think you need a conversation about why she is doing this. Is it boredom? With a husband, two children and a job she should have a very full life, so what is her behavior about? If she tries to gaslight, accuse you of snooping, somehow make you the bad guy, don’t let her do it. She might try blowing smoke at you to confuse you, shame you, belittle you. Don’t fall for it.
Her behavior is not what a wife should be doing. Period. So stick to your questions about who, what, where and when. You need answers.

Maybe try to ask her general questions about work. Lead the conversation to the topic of flirting, and even what you two agree as boundaries in your marriage. Try to have this be a gentle and safe conversation. It may be that she really has not gone for the bait yet.

If she admits this guy's is pursuing her. Then take a proactive approach and report him to company and blow him in to his wife.

Once you know the truth and have things out in the light. I highly suggest reading the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You need stronger boundaries.💪

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 2:56 PM, Tuesday, December 16th]

Found the photos in deleted folder Google Photos?
There might be some setting I’m missing, but generally photos don’t get into Google Photos unless they are downloaded or saved to a directory that is defined as one that Google Photos monitors.
What I’m getting at is that if the OM sent a dick-pic on some chat program, your wife has to download it from that app before it can get into GP. It indicates intent and interest – she doesn't just click on the pic in whatever app it was sent and then delete or move on but downloads to open and view. In other words this isn’t an accident.

Your dilemma is that you feel caught between two bad options. If you confront, you are admitting that you have been "spying" on your wife. If you don’t... well... that opens up for her progressing further along this path.
It boils down IMHO which would be the lesser of two evils. Make her angry because you invaded her privacy BEFORE this goes further or make her angry when you invade her privacy WHEN she has started a full-fledged sexual affair.
Which one puts more risk on you and your family?

Imagine these two scenarios:
You "break" her trust and confront now...
Or... You wait for hard proof and confront maybe 4-6 months from now when you realize OM maybe gave your wife a STD that explains the itch in your crotch.

I’m guessing that this developing into a full-fledged affair is worse.
Frankly it already might be there... but if so then there is still nothing to lose by confronting.

And that’s what I would do. I would confront with what you already know because IMHO that’s enough. To confront all that’s needed is that YOU are convinced she’s on a slippery slope, and to be clear on what you need to feel safer. You don’t need to prove anything. This isn’t a court of law or a police investigation. All that’s needed is that you believe something is going on.
Don’t have to give sources and can even make some up. Like... you could tell her that you got an anonymous call from her colleague warning about their interactions, or that someone saw them and felt a need to warn you. But frankly – I wouldn’t even bother with the how you know – you know.

Confront in statements more than questions. You KNOW what’s going on, and even if she denies you KNOW what’s going on. You don’t have to prove anything. I suggest springing this on her at the very earlies opportunity:

I KNOW you have been interacting inappropriately with your male co-worker. I know he has sent you inappropriate pictures, and I know you have been accepting them. I have been warned about your interactions and want to step in NOW so you can make an educated and conscious decision about your future actions.
I want to know what your intent is with this, because this is unacceptable to me. I can’t prevent you from flirting, dating, sexting or doing WHATEVER you want with this man, but just be very aware and clear of the REALITY that you can’t do this as my wife. I will not allow you to disrespect me and our family that way.
You have options. You can carry on like this or you can come completely clean to me, be accountable for what has happened already and convince me that there is no future threat to us.
No – it’s not enough to tell me you will quit. I need to know who OM is (and yes – I intend to communicate with him). I need to see how you communicate (yes – I need to see your social media). You need to offer me ongoing assurance that this is over.

I’m not forcing you to do anything. You are totally free to frame the walls with pics of his dick, but I am equally free to refuse to take part in infidelity.

And then allow her to respond.
You do not concede a single issue. You don’t accept that she doesn’t tell you who OM is. You don’t promise to be quiet about this. Basically you need an unconditional surrender before you have a chance at reconciling the marriage.

A couple thoughts:

1.). Your wife flirted with this man enough at a party to make him believe she is very interested. That’s a red flag for a married woman.
2.). I think if you see all the communication between them you’d probably see that while she is telling him she is married, she isn’t being very forceful and she is also giving mixed signals. Her chatgtp shows that since she wants to tell him she is attracted to him but that since she is married they have to stop. Why the need to tell him she is attracted to him, just tell him to stop and block him if she really wanted it to stop.

Basically, your wife is enjoying the attention, she has admitted to being attracted to him and she really is not forcefully pushing him away and is keeping all this secret from you! She is easing into an affair and will give in eventually if you don’t bring it into the open and put a stop to it.

Bigger....💯🎯

The400mini...my opinion is we as marriage couples should really have zero relational privacy. We are supposed to be one.

Sure privacy when you are taking a crap or popping zits or something like that...but relationally....nah.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 4:11 PM, Tuesday, December 16th]