SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my wife and I have been married 12 years together for 17 and I found out two days before our 12th anniversary. So in the last year she started a new job as the site nurse at a refinery that is predominantly men but I trusted her and never thought anything of it. After six months I started to feel like we had started to grow distant from each other I should probably add we both have recently lost a lot of weight and look much better. I would ask if anything was wrong and she would always tell me no but we would go to bed say nothing and she would roll over and go to sleep. I asked if there was someone else because I started noticing how much she was putting in to her appearance when going to work and at the end of the day would notice she was wearing thongs to work something I was not getting to be privileged to anymore. She then accused me of cheating on her because I go to the gym every morning before work but I have proof of that from log records. I was told I was insecure and just treated badly so I looked at her phone one night when she was in the shower and seen some of what she had been saying about me to her friends and it hurt. So I looked at phone records and paid for a site to look up numbers owners and found the name. When I asked her the look on her face I will never forget she says they just talked about work and that’s it but had deleted everything so there was no proof of that. The next day she texted him and said she could longer talk to him that she was going to work on her marriage to which he didn’t reply. She says she wants to stay together and only seen him in person at work a few times and it was always with others around never alone. She did admit that pictures had been sent but never nudes from either of them just I find it hard to believe. We have two children together that are my world and our son is very good at baseball and I’m constantly taking him to practice almost every day so I am gone a lot. She claims I was drinking so much she felt I was choosing alcohol over her and she didn’t know how to tell me. I immediately poured it out and haven’t had a drink since. Now we are ok if I don’t bring it up things seem fine but if I say anything she gets defensive and it becomes a huge argument I feel like she told me what she wants me to think but with everything gone I have to choose to believe her and move on. Every time we talk now she spins it like she did nothing wrong and I’m a horrible person I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I am sorry you had to join this site.

But your wife is behaving like a typical cheater. Here’s some proof:

Deleted texts
Getting mad at you for wanting to discuss the matter
Blaming you (excessive drinking made her turn to someone else crap)
Dressing better for work

You might want to consider getting done professional help for yourself. Suggest she get help as well. This is not the time for marriage counseling. It’s the time for each of you to address your issues (hers is cheating, yours is being married to a cheater) and see if you cannot get clarity on your current situation.

We both have been talking to therapist and we have done couples counseling. The problem I’m seeing with the individual therapist is not knowing what’s being said it sounds as though she is making it sound as though I’m trying to control her and that could not be further from the truth. I have never said no to anything or told her she couldn’t do something. I did ask her to not talk to her one friend about our personal stuff because it seemed to be not helpful to the situation and she didn’t respect that so I said out of anger I didn’t want her to be friends with her anymore but I didn’t really feel that way. I love her more than anything and I know I was drinking too much but it was a few drinks every night not getting wasted. She felt she couldn’t tell me and that’s how she started talking to that guy and he reached out to her not her looking for something it just happened supposedly he ended up being in a relationship with a woman for over 10 years surprised her and had domestic violence all making cutting ties so much easier.

Her reactions shows she is not truly remorseful, not taking your marriage and your heart as valuable and a high priority.

One thing I DO think you have as leverage is this...absolutely DO tell the spouse of the man she was interacting with about their emotional (and possible) physical affair.

Make sure to even tell the wife about your wife wearing thongs. To me, that is just crazy. And you never know what dots that wife may be able to connect to reveal more truth. And don't tell your wife you are doing this.

You take control. Get advice from other here too.