SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Happy 2026 SI!

It has been a long holiday season this year. Relationships have become increasingly complicated with our 3 sons and daughter as they continue to grow up in a very broken home. H is most definitely actively cheating and likely has been since Fall of 2022.

He regularly packs a suitcase and leaves for several days and is unreachable during the time he is gone. He says he goes to see his friend Jeremy who none of us know (I met briefly over 20 years ago) and lives an hour away.

Our kids are skeptical. When he is home he is unpleasant, argumentative and usually napping when he isn’t eating or watching tv.

Our youngest turned 11 a few days ago and I was trying to hold out until he was older but it really is quite difficult to have him around.

We have been together for 26 years and married for 20. I believe now more than ever that he is a chronic cheater.

I thought I was benefiting the kids by staying with their dad but this isn’t typical behavior and it’s all my kids know.

He acts like he hates us, particularly our daughter and I. She thinks he may be gay. He started a fight before he left and I stood up for myself which I rarely do. It got ugly quickly and the kids heard and saw things they shouldn’t have.

His nasty texting continued for about an hour. He is demanding I file for divorce.

I look at my parents who have been married for 56 years. My mom suffered toxic shock 6 years ago and requires round the clock care which my dad happily provides.

They are still very much in love.

My mom always told us growing up to choose a husband wisely and the right person will make your life lighter and more joyful. I have suffered a terrible choice here and am burdened by a bad case of loyalty.

My kids go to their friends’ homes and marvel at how the parents (even the dads) seem to really love their kids and are involved in their lives.

They wish their dad was too.

I am rambling.

When folks warned me not to stay for the kids, I should have listened. The kids lost and I lost.

Their dad lost too. He is the most unhappy person any of us know.

[This message edited by luvedmypbear at 8:26 AM, Sunday, January 4th]

My mom always told us growing up to choose a husband wisely and the right person will make your life lighter and more joyful. I have suffered a terrible choice here and am burdened by a bad case of loyalty.

OP please don't be hard on yourself for choosing the husband you chose. We make choices based on information we are presented with at the time. I'm sure when you first got together he presented himself completely different, loving and with many positive qualities.
You never really know what goes on in another person's head and people also change, sometimes they drop their act if they aren't really who they say they are. This is totally beyond your control.

You stayed with him for your children, again doing your best in a bad situation and using the information you had at the time to make that choice. Nobody knows what the future will bring when they choose to stay or leave really. Again, another person's actions are out of your control. You tried to protect your children from other heartbreak. Your husband continued to choose to work against you instead of with you, that is 100% on him. These are his choices and he destroyed your marriage.

It's heartbreaking for the children to see their father behave like that but all you can do now is make another choice based on the information you have. I think he's a coward for not filing for divorce himself if he's so desperate for one. Instead he's making his family's life he'll just to blame you for the split , just so he can say 'your mother filed for divorce'. Total lack of balls!!!

It sounds like your children would prefer him out of the house at this point. Perhaps make it known to them that you are prioritising their peace, your peace and you are making a move for them to feel safe and calm at home. I think in years to come they will be grateful. Of course the choice is yours. He does sound abusive though and if he wants to live his life away from his kids - that's a choice he may come to regret in the future but it's not your problem. Sending lots of love your way.

I think he's a coward for not filing for divorce himself if he's so desperate for one. Instead he's making his family's life he'll just to blame you for the split , just so he can say 'your mother filed for divorce'. Total lack of balls!!!

Nailed it. I agree. I have more I could add, but I think you encapsulated my feelings well here.

It sounds like your children would prefer him out of the house at this point. Perhaps make it known to them that you are prioritising their peace, your peace and you are making a move for them to feel safe and calm at home.

I come from a broken home. My parents divorced when I was 12 and my sister was 11. Speaking for myself, I was relieved when my mom left my dad and took us with her. I've never, ever held that against her and appreciated her getting us out of a toxic situation, even as a child I felt that way.

OP, if you're in a toxic situation, as it looks like you are, you may be surprised to find that your children might just appreciate you getting them out of there. Don't let guilt over breaking up the family get in the way of doing what would ultimately be best for you and your children. Sometimes it's the best thing you can do. It's difficult to be a good parent when you yourself are miserable, and it sounds like your children aren't happy right now either. Sending you strength.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:47 PM, Sunday, January 4th]

Of all the things I read here regarding "staying with a cheater"

This Trumps all such things:

When folks warned me not to stay for the kids, I should have listened. The kids lost and I lost.

My point of view? Just sail off in a different direction away from the cheater.

I AM a product of a pair (ya, a PAIR) of cheaters.

Kids raised in such an environment - like me - carry an unwelcome mental burden for life.

What can be worse? Well, having the memory to deal with of your spouse cheating.

btw, I have no offspring via my current spouse.

Pbear,

I am so sorry he is behaving so egregiously. What a jerk. And to take it out on our kids is another level of horrible. You offered the GIFT of R and keeping the family unit intact and this is how he thanks you. Ugh.

So what is next for you? He has shown you who he is and what is willing to do (mostly be abusive to you all). Believe him.

But it is not too late to change the narrative. The one where you and the kids get away from him and heal and see a better future.

How can we help? What do you need to do to make 2026 the year things start getting a lot better?

(And happy new year to you, too!)

But it is not too late to change the narrative. The one where you and the kids get away from him and heal and see a better future.

This.

I'm sorry your year is off to a tough start, luvedmypbear, but I think your heart has realized what it needs to do. Divorcing is scary and it's hard on everyone, but when staying is worse, then it's time to walk away. You did your best, but you're working with an unremorseful cheater. I will bet $5 that when you do file for divorce, he will start out begging you to take him back, then turn angry and mean. Remember that you can do free consultations with a few attorneys in the area before choosing and taking action. Also, start keeping records of all your finances and his nasty messages, in case you're in an at-fault divorce location.

I'm only partway through the process, but I have to believe that in the long run, it's better for our children to see that it's okay to walk away from a bad relationship than to see us force ourselves into staying.

I AM a product of a pair (ya, a PAIR) of cheaters.

Me, too. Me, too...

My dad was a serial cheater who slept with the whole neighborhood and when my mother found out she got fed up and cheated on him with the bass player from his band.

I still remember to this day when I was a late teen in a semi-LTR with a girl when another girl showed interest in me. He asked what I was going to do. I said "I don't know. I love so and so, but the other girl is really cute." My father's advice? "Well, a ONS is one thing (as in "thats okay to do"), but you don't want to make it a steady thing. Get in and get out."

Some great fatherly advice, right? For the record, I didn't take it. I've never cheated on any of my girlfriends or my wife. Too bad my wife didn't have the same boundaries 9 months ago...

I think you need to do some serious soul searching and really figure out what’s kept you in this marriage.

You say it’s for the kids, but there has been no benefit to them, not now and not right after Dday.

You make significantly more money than he does AND you’re the primary caregiver for your children. He’s not loving toward them or actively involved in their lives.

You lose absolutely nothing by leaving him, except off-loading a cheating, worthless, sack-of-shit excuse for a husband and father.

The simple answer for why he hasn’t divorced you is that he has no reason to. Some people want their BS to be the bad guy, but in his case, he has it too good. You make money, take care of the kids and house, and allow him to come and go as he pleases. I think he gets off on threatening or daring you to divorce him, knowing that you won’t follow through.

As for the negative consequences for your children, I don’t think you’ve seen even the tip of the iceberg yet, especially for your daughter, who is bearing the brunt of his emotional abuse.

Your kids are at an age now where if you divorced, they could decide which parent they wanted to live with and to what extent their contact with their father would be if you split. But your kids don’t have those choices available to them until YOU decide to do something.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 12:21 AM, Monday, January 5th]