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I have been thinking over and over, that the most natural step for me should be to get divorced.

After latest DDay, the discovery of many betrayals (one PA and many EA), my constant feeling that there is more to uncover, I feel no emotions any longer, and that's a sign for me that I should restart my life.

The first betrayal 17 years ago completely destroyed me, I lost myself, my career, my future. She came back, I uprooted my life twice, moved to a foreign country for her, restarted from zero, rebuilt my career, a company, but my life and identity was eroded slowly, passing from PTSD to the deepest depression and getting suicidal couple of times, this went on until the breaking point, we can call it "healing". Now I a rebuilding my life from zero for the third time.

Against all odds, I still like her, I remember her as she used to be the love of my life. But she belong to the OM in my heart, I lost her 17 years ago, she never honestly reconciled, she kept cheating (even if she feels like it wasn't or is a "cheating light", since she denies sex, as it makes any difference).

Those feelings are gone. Still something survives but is nothing compared to what it used to be. No hate, no anger, no remorse, there is nostalgia and missing her when we were truly a couple.

I decided to not Divorce because I want to spare that trauma to our little Daughter (she is the most important one in my life right now).

However her avoidant and emotional unavailable side makes me feel she is still rebuilding a narrative to "restore the old status quo" like nothing ever happened. Minimizing, blocking memories, changing versions, defensive, little to no empathy, shame but not guilt.

I feel there needs to be a point that I am done with her attitude. That is not ok. Her game is no fun, I am tired to live in a lie.

I am wondering if separation is viable tool in my case. We stay for the child. She likes me, I like her, so we meet as man and woman still. But I want to be free to follow my path in life.

I do not care or pursue anything, I live and see how it goes I am happy that way since I rediscovered myself. But I do not want to deprive myself either if I see a new path.

If this wakes her up about what she truly wants as she claims and she steps up, then good. If she wants to pursue more OM she is free to do that either, I genuinely do not care. But I am done pursuing her and carrying the emotional weight of our relationship on my shoulders.

People who went down this road or have more insight might help me to see it clearly. In my entire life I saw marriage as something that was extremely unlikely to happen to me, but if ever, it would be unbreakable.

Apparently I was wrong, that too can show cracks.

Thank you if you take time for this.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 8:47 PM, Tuesday, January 13th]

I’m really sorry you’re in this position. Reading your post, what comes through most clearly is how much you’ve already sacrificed, how much pain you’ve carried for years, and how deeply you’ve tried to be principled, even at enormous personal cost.

Because of that, I'm going to push back on your idea of a "half-in/half-out" marriage or a separation-in-place.

First, despite what you say about being emotionally done, it’s clear you still love her and are holding out some hope that she will finally wake up, take responsibility, and choose you. Staying married keeps you emotionally stuck in that hope. It prevents you from fully grieving the marriage you actually had (not the one you wish you had), and it prevents you from building a life that is truly your own. You can’t restart your life while still tethered to the person who repeatedly destroyed it.

Second, remaining married keeps you legally and financially bound to someone who has demonstrated time and time again that you can't trust her. You’ve already uprooted your life, your career, and your identity multiple times for her. Continuing to intertwine your future with someone who lies, minimizes, rewrites history, and avoids accountability puts you at ongoing risk, whether you emotionally disengage or not. Paper and law don’t care how detached you feel.

Third, this situation does not spare your daughter from trauma. It only changes the shape of it. Children learn what relationships are supposed to look like by watching their parents. A household where love is fractured, trust is absent, intimacy is ambiguous, and boundaries are blurred teaches a child that this is normal adult partnership. Many children raised in "we stayed for you" homes later say they felt the tension and wished their parents had chosen honesty and stability instead of quiet misery. It's also unfair to put the burden of your unwillingness to leave a toxic and unhappy marriage on your child. She may grow up to feel immense guilt (or resentment) for your decision to remain married, despite the fact that it's clearly crushing you.

Fourth, practically speaking, this arrangement will sabotage any chance you have of forming a healthy future relationship. Emotionally healthy, self-respecting women do not want to date a man who is still married and living with his wife, regardless of how "separated" he is in theory. The dating pool you’ll attract in that situation is far more likely to consist of people who are themselves unavailable, avoidant, or chaotic—exactly the opposite of what someone with your history needs.

Fifth, many people have tried this "for the kids" limbo. The outcome is almost always the same: they feel trapped. They are unable to fully invest in their marriage, but also unable to fully move on. Years pass. Resentment quietly grows. Life shrinks instead of expanding. You deserve more than survival mode after everything you’ve already endured.

Sixth, the logistics alone are a minefield. How does dating work in real life? Are you expected to watch your daughter while she sees other men? Will she do the same for you? What happens when jealousy, hypocrisy, or old wounds flare up, as they almost certainly will? This isn’t emotional neutrality; it’s an ongoing slow bleed.

Finally—and this is important—you don’t actually control how long this arrangement lasts. Your wife can decide to divorce you at any time. Right now, she’s staying because the status quo benefits her. But the moment a "better deal" appears, you could be discarded anyway... except with more years lost, more entanglement, and more damage done.

You’ve already rebuilt your life from zero multiple times. At some point, rebuilding has to include choosing a structure that protects you instead of eroding you.

Divorce, in your case, would may be the most honest, protective, and ultimately loving choice for your daughter A peaceful, emotionally present father living a grounded, authentic life is far healthier for a child than a father quietly rotting away inside an intact household.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:24 PM, Tuesday, January 13th]

Sorry you're going through this. Infidelity really sucks. Your situation is quite different from mine as it sounds like your WW might be what some might call a serial cheater, and it sounds like what she did was pretty extensive and covers a long period of time.

I know for there to be any chance of R she needs to come completely clean and acknowledge your pain. Then double down and truly work to change whatever it is in her that made her think it was okay to cheat on you. I've read enough of your posts to know you've spent some real time and put significant thought and effort into your situation. I know that I'm not experienced enough to really offer you much in the way of advice, but just wanted you to know you've been heard, and most of us do understand the pain you're going through.

I'm working through recovering from infidelity with my wife of 27 years right now myself. We have a son, but he's grown and out of the house now. She had a short lived physical affair with a co worker this past April (9 months ago). She had 3 different trysts with him over a 2 week period before I caught on and confronted her about it. That was following several weeks of flirting and connecting emotionally. She eventually came completely clean about everything, cut all contact with him and has been bending over backwards to show me she can be a safe partner again, but the pain of betrayal is pretty hard to deal with. If it weren't for her current attitude and contrition I'd have been gone. I'd already set up appointments with divorce lawyers when she broke down and begged me to stay. She's been spending the last several months making a pretty good case for it. That, and I do still love her. 27 years is a long time and this is the only time this has happened to us.

So I get it. I know how much it hurts, but your situation is more complicated than mine. I wish I had more for you, but there are others here with more experience than I have who'll be along to give you some ideas or at least some other things to consider.

Those feelings are gone. Still something survives but is nothing compared to what it used to be. No hate, no anger, no remorse, there is nostalgia and missing her when we were truly a couple.

I decided to not Divorce because I want to spare that trauma to our little Daughter (she is the most important one in my life right now).

Have you considered what you are modeling to your daughter? You are showing her "this is what marriage looks like". I don’t blame you one second for feeling the way you do. Your mind is trying to protect yourself as best it can from more trauma. Tragically your wife’s infidelity is inflicting much damage on your daughter as well.