SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am over 11 years post Dday. I still think about what my H did every day. It doesn't upset me like it did the first few years, but it's still there all the time. Most nights, as I lie down to sleep, the thoughts flood me. I still can't believe this happened to me. I still can't completely forgive my H.

Does this ever stop? Or, is it always going to be popping up because it's part of my story now?

I think all of us have a vote, a voice about how we focus our thoughts.

It is a tool I didn’t figure out until later in life, but my life in all aspects is better now, regardless of the trauma I’ve experienced in life.

I also think that no matter how centered we are before the A — it is a pain and experience that knocks ALL of us down for a while. In other words, it did take me several YEARS to heal enough to be able to choose my life, choose my day and decide where my focus was going to be.

I think with all loss and trauma, we can get reminders — even strong reminders, or triggers or intrusive thoughts, every day.

Heck, my greatest influence on my life, my grandfather, I find I miss him more as a get older than less, but I focus on the gratitude I have for all that he was for me and the positive impact he made.

I now do the same with my M.

If a thought from the past jumps in my brain, I entertain it, figure out why my brain is reminding me of that moment, or that pain. Then I focus on the fact that NONE of the PAST is happening to me now, and I focus on the gratitude of where my life is now, how much I’ve healed and how much work I put into rebuilding the M.

In your case, I think you are staying for different reasons, your own choices, which I respect.

If you’re happy with your choices focus on the good stuff or what good things are in your life now (other family or friends, etc).

18 years (her betrayal was in January 19, I knew it in my gut so it was DDay for me even before confession),and no they get more rare, but they will never go away.

Or better, they go away, my 2 ex girlfriend also betrayed me, I never had any intrusive thought about them ever, because I removed them from my existence.
When you chose to R with your Wayward Partner however, it is different.

Their presence it's a daily reminder of the betrayal, the damage from being cheated is one of the deepest wounds a human can experience, it will likely never go fully away, your mind compartimentalize it and hide it below the good things a reformed Wayward did to Reconcile.

But the betrayal was, it changed your life and relationship forever, the intrusive thought are tied to it.
The only way to truly get those out (in time, they will still haunt you for a while) is to remove the person who betrayed you from your life.

And that's a hard choice, they might have truly become a much better person than back then, so you have to feel: is more of a loss to live with intrusive thoughts, mind movies, triggers, etc, or to let that person go and forget about their existence?

I wish I had a better answer, I think a relationship that was compromised by betrayal requires constant compromise when you decide to patch it up, this is likely one of them.

I’m much further out than you, and the thoughts haven’t gone away. If anything, they’ve gotten worse.

I think that’s because I’m old enough now to be sure I’m not going to start over with someone new, and sure that my WW isn’t going to "come around."

She left me for another man, if she was ever "with" me to start with, and never came back.

Maybe I should have left her, way back then. Probably should have. The day after DD, I desperately wanted to load her in the car, drive her to his place, dump her on the front lawn, ring the doorbell and tell him he could have her. If my son came to me with exactly my story, with his wife, that’s what I’d tell him to do. But I didn’t.

And now, she’s a trigger. At the least sign of disrespect, or contempt, or unkindness, I am reminded of her lack of feelings for me, and the disappointment hits me.

Oh well, we have lived charmed lives in most respects, and I try to be grateful for the life I have had.

Best wishes.

Thanks, everyone. I don't hold onto the thoughts. I don't ruminate about them. I try to acknowledge them and let them pass. I try to think about the good things in my life and am grateful. We live a quite privileged life. I guess it seems to me that daily thoughts should be gone by now.

My H is committed to our M and our family. He is a decent guy except for the infidelity.

Their presence it's a daily reminder...

One of the reasons I divorced my exww was because she was a trigger. I really hated that. I hated that anytime we had a disagreement, however minor or major, I found the anger over what she did would resurface, every time. I couldn't live like that. I didn't want to divorce her. I didn't want to live with her. I wanted to find peace. And I did.

Today, even while reading here, I'm rarely triggered. Very rarely. I'm at peace with the past.

I also think his issues, which you've recently described, are also holding you back from finding your own peace.

I'm really sorry you're still struggling with all of this, my friend.