(sorry I don't know the abbreviations)
I extracted a confession by forcing his hand. I knew he was cheating, gut feeling, the way he was acting, being suss with his phone and the crap he was saying. And after sneaking his phone I could tell.
He got a message while we were in the car. Phone was on silent but I felt the vibration. I asked who was it he said he didn't know the number. I put my foot down and said we'll ring it when we get home.
He said sit down.... And disclosed to me portions. Of which I know is a normal response for two reasons. To lighten the blow and worm his way out of the full extent.
Turns out it was about six months seeing the Muppet (I never refer to people as a gender or by their name when I have reason. That's been very few people).
Found out a few days before Christmas I was instantly angry that's turning to sadness now. Going through stages of grief I suppose.
Anyway I guess he admitted it because he was done with it. Muppet immediately said it's pregnant. He has one child and always wanted more. Turns out it wasn't the case, faked pregnancy faked a miscarriage (I struggle to write details as I'm embarrassed and angry and want to stop the hurt I think but I'm forcing myself. Giving him nowhere to hide and facing it honestly and head on!).
Initially he was drawn to the idea of having a kid but thought about it and tried to convince it to abort.
I went through the motions of worst case scenario wondering if I could endure a child. I decided to work through it before the fake pregnancy. So I went through an emotional rollercoaster thinking about the reality of it and weighing the decision again should I leave. Is already been through that it pissed me off that I had to do that again.
Initially he showed remorse, didn't blame me and admitted he was wrong, still does. Simulatiously he went cold again. He returned to contemplating this child. He spent two nights with it too convince her to abort apparently. Slept in the same bed but denied shagging it.
I didn't believe him but now do as I brought it up to it and the Muppet didn't touch the topic because I chose to bait it by belittling it I got no response which means I was right. Otherwise this thing would have tried to make me angry. It didn't attempt it because with all the lies I can read what's true and what's not.
It's been messaging me flat out on messenger. I didn't respond for ages until I felt able to. I began with addressing all the issues if it did have a kid. Such as me and my children being involved in it's life etc..
I did that for two reasons firstly to piss it off. Secondly I thought that the thought of what I was saying would make it decide to abort.
Anyway, I've tried to handle this logically. I guess only time will tell. But I'm triggered by everything. I have a mental response to everything he says now. From I've had a big day at work. To going to the gym, that was his excuse to get out.
I have explored things to try help retain the relationship. I want to talk about it all the time. But agreed on two days per week. Trying to stop myself overthinking and give him a break because it's not healthy harping on about it.
I don't know why I'm writing all of this I guess I need a safe place to express.
Mostly I want to know if I'm being realistic about working through this. I wonder if I've got attachment issues and why am I wanting to work this out.
I've left relationships before by just suspecting infidelity without 'proof' because I respect myself and my kids not to be in a toxic relationship.
I just don't know if I'm an idiot or not!
