SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A month ago, my partner came to me telling me he wanted to see a Dominatrix, that he was unhappy in our sex life.

He had admitted to getting only fans videos during corona and continued to get videos while I was with him.

I said I'm willing to try new stuff.

Our sex life was stagnating because he could not get it up for quite some time. I thought it may have been stress/ depression- I did know he watched porn but I just compartmentalised it a bit- The sex was not enjoyable for some time. It became rougher and I started to feel dehumanised on occasion so truthfully, I was relived to see some respite.

But we started to talk I told him I didn't enjoy the very long sessions but wanted to satisfy him. He asked for some things- I tried to offer it to him but he didn't really respond. He needed to masturbate but eventually managed to come.

I asked him to park this conversation about visiting a dominatrix until we worked things out and got our sex life back. I felt

Anyway, fast forward to a week ago, he told me he had a video call with a dom... he said 'fuck it she doesn't want to talk, I'll do it anyway'.I asked him to leave for a couple of days. He left a big note saying 'you are what I want - I completely retract what I have asked of you- I acted entitled'.

He has been seeking lots of help since I asked him to leave: 12 steps/ therapist and does feel he has a porn addiction...

He added more information that he had been messaging this dom at christmas while we stayed with my family...He decided to add this new information- I felt I couldn't trust him anymore. I asked him if he could show me the conversations...I said I wanted to see the receipts to see what was true...He said it may cause me to relapse...

I went away alone on A holiday we were both meant to go on...I asked him not to go...I asked him to show me some self control while I was away and not masturbate to show me he could do it. He caved on day 4...

I have moved out but today just before I left, I looked at his emails (On day 4 : Wrong I know...) to see if I could find something and one to email to a doctor said 'This dom makes me feel so submissive in way I didn't think possible'...I used to feel satisfied with my gf (me) but now, I am not. I don't know if this relationship is right for me...I feel like the rug has been taken out from under me. I thought I was in control and I thought he would fight to get be back...He also said he'd been looking at videos of her for years (He had withheld that info from me)

He asked if we could talk on the phone everyday when I left..I sort of feel that he is just consumed with guilt rather than coming from a place of wanting to try...

Kids?

No kids...Thankfully. I feel all over the place

Read on Psychology Today about "submissive" men, and their kinks, and where this might go. You may or may not want to go there with him.

Will it go there? Who knows.

But if that looks like a rough road to you, maybe it’s time to cut your losses.

Best wishes.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. We always say this and we feel it, but I really really am sorry for what you're going through as I don't see a way out of this. If I were you, if this were happening to me, and I had a clear mind, I'd just pack it up and get a divorce. Or end it (not clear if you're legally married.)

This is a serious, serious, serious problem, and it's a problem that's emerged with a lot of guys because of the nature of porn now. The process of getting porn is different because...it's right there on the computer or phone, it's so easy to get, there's so much of it and I think just the nature of consuming it is different than perhaps it was before when there were magazines or videos or maybe a TV channel or two. It might have even been communal at some points in the past or something you shared with a partner but the physical nature of availability I think interacts with the brain in a different way now. Like social media does in general. Maybe someone else here who is more familiar with this specific topic can weigh in, but I think this has become a SERIOUS ADDICTION for a lot of guys. And a hard one to kick as sex is innate, and not like a drug that...we're not born taking drugs, it's external to us, there's no natural drive for it. Gambling is external, drinking is external. But sex is innate, it's a part of our biology. The drive is there for most of us.

I tend to think porn now, involves and creates CONDITIONING to certain types of sex. And the sex has gotten more and more extreme and often violent. Choking has become a real problem, even among young men who because of the porn they just casually see, they think this is a normal part of sex. And...of course it isn't. Some people can frighten, injure or even kill a partner with choking, in particular....but you would be surprised at how many young people think this is something to do. I have even come across this in fan fiction about animes (I'm an anime fan - some people write romances about their faves). I was surprised to see this practice coming up as a thing.

I think the Dom stuff is like this...maybe your man has some kind of natural submissive tendency, but whatever he has been watching has conditioned him to think of this AS SEX. This IS what sex has become to him. This is why he can't get off with you - or probably with another "normal" woman. This is why he masturbates - when he does that, he can think of these practices. That's why he's obsessed with this person, it's not her, it's the practice. He's become conditioned to think of this AS SEX. Once someone becomes conditioned to something AS SEX, like maybe a foot fetish? it's very hard to get rid of that. It's very hard to deprogram.

I don't doubt that he loves you but this is going to ruin your life and right now he's not available to you in very real, basic ways. And this include finances too because this WILL cost money. This woman and other Doms are probably not doing this as a charity. He needs to find someone who specializes in de-programming this kind of porn induced sexual conditioning and get back to a point where he doesn't NEED this to function or imagine (for masturbation). I don't know how many of these kind of counselors are out there. Maybe one of our other folks here has some ideas about de-conditioning because if he keeps pursuing this, he's going to ruin his own life, IMO, but you can't help that.

If I were you, I would end this. Not only on the grounds of infidelity because he actually has tried to be somewhat honest and open with you, but this is not normal sexuality and it's going to get worse and make you miserable. You can't have a relationship where the sex is all based on something or someone else and not you or your needs. This has become a compulsion. I'm sorry, you can still care for him, but I don't think this is livable, and I'm not sure how it can be salvaged.

I hope we can find others with some good ideas here, but I would get out of this and stop interacting - just by interacting we keep them in the fantasy - they have to have a reason strong enough to kick any addiction or compulsion. Don't go along with this.

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 8:29 PM, Thursday, February 26th]

I feel hurt that I can't fulfil him - He doesn't really seem to want me to try- he said 'She isn't the dominant type'..Honestly, I tried some stuff...I hit him in the face and he said it was sore - too low...I think he has a porn addiction, he admits the digital world is consuming him and wants to try the physical stuff. I am williing to allow him a trip to visit the domme but I feel afraid...One, he will get addicted to that.... Two, right now with his compuslion to porn/ cheating...Will this exacerbate everything...He says I want a sex life with you and you are 95% what I want...Feels shitty...I moved out so maybe he is in crisis mode and not thinking straight

Thanks Bond Jane- for your really considered response. I feel foggy and finding it hard to think- He has really justified the whole thing in his head...I've been with him for years and it does feel hard to decide...I know there is a truth to what you said...I feel all messages around him are saying, it's nothing to be ashamed of...He wants to do couples counselling...He is also sort of controlling in our daily life..He watches me clean and complains how I do it...Won't let me load the dishwasher.. etc ...I've gotten so used to it...It's all about control for him and as is this Dom stuff...I keep telling him to look behind what the dom represents..We have something loving too- He is very affectionate and loves to cuddle. He is extremely nice to my family/ friends like him too...Even now, he keeps saying, I'll drive you to therapy etc but I'm so confused and feel like shit. I feel like I've had years of being ghosted/ discarded by men and I just don't have the energy anymore..

[This message edited by Ihopeyouaresomewhere at 8:42 PM, Thursday, February 26th]

Honey, you need to end this. Do you really want a sex life based on hitting someone in the face - the right way? I'll come over and give him a few slaps, LOLOLOL!!!! But this is not mutual sex. Because of his porn watching habits this has become a COMPULSION to him, like an obsession....I don't think he can get off without it and I don't think he can have normal sex at this point. Normal sex would be where you and he interact and each of you has pleasure and fulfillment. Not smacking each other in the face. Unless you like that stuff....which you don't.

You can't make this right, he's not focused on your pleasure, he's focused on getting these abusive things done to him. Maybe it's beyond porn too, maybe he has something in his background that makes him feel less than and he has a need to be abused and this got tied up into this violent porn. This is degrading and it is not something you want to be involved with. Nor do you want him going to doms instead of YOU, what do you get out of that. And he's gonna be wasting a lot of money....and believe me...I've seen a lot of shit in my life and what I've seen is when people go down these strange roads.....they keep going. They get deeper and deeper in. It gets more and more extreme and in this case, to me, degrading. You don't want to know about this, I don't even want to tell you. But I will tell you.....you can't stay in this relationship, this is going to really really hurt you. And I don't know if there's a positive end to this - you might stay and years later....you wake up and say...WHY DID I DO THIS? WHY DID I STAY?
And don't have kids with this man whatever you do.

So the best advice I have is to get out. He needs help, I think you need clarity in telling him that, this behavior is only going to get worse, these people need more and more extreme stimuli to get off as time goes on. This is what I've seen in people I've personally known (and no, I don't do this stuff myself but for some reason people tell me everything, lol). He needs to understand why he is doing this, de-condition himself from escalating and compulsive behavior, and re-learn how to to be sexual without abuse of self or others. But he has to start this. You can perhaps - perhaps - help him find someone to counsel him, but again, I don't know what resources there are out there now. I hope someone else does. I would just recognize that this is his battle, it's his to fight if he wants to, if he doesn't, that is his CHOICE, and I'd get out. Find a healthy man who can fulfill you too.

I'll take a look around - if I can find any books or whatever about de-conditioning from porn, I'll post it here, there are resources on this site, I'm not really familiar with them, but maybe others are, or can find stuff too.
But really....back away from the edge of the cliff. This is his battle unless he wants to spend his life with Doms getting hit upside the head.

Years ago I read a book by a psychiatrist who said males sexual interests are formed at puberty and never change. I have no idea if that is true. I co worker borrowed it and I never got it back and can’t remember his name or the title.
All this to say you need to be realistic about him. Nothing has worked. Don’t give up your life hoping for something that is not going to happen. You cannot change another person. Ever.

He is currently seeking help. Last week, I told him to join a Sex addicts group, see a therapist and tell his sister..He has been educating himself...He is a sadist. I am going to meet with him next week and ask him what he wants... He is going to try to give up masturbating for a while and he has not watched any digital content for a week. I just need to know if it is to please me or if he is serious in getting help. I think he struggles with OCD but is failing to get help...I don't know where his trauma stems from if he has it

I'm almost 40 and have been putting up with this for 10 years...I moved country for him...I feel dumb.
He said Covid was when he started watching Only Fans...

What I find frustrating is...everyone around (therapists etc) him seems to say 'There is nothing shameful in what you want ' ...I grew up in a fairly patriarchal household. My dad is a big drinker and my mother does everything for him. I was also strangled on my doorstep when I was 21 and I think I have learned to accept stuff that is not right. He is kind, generous and listens to everything I say so I guess I put up with some of his kinks... I don't want to kink shame either but I feel sad to be excluded form this part of his world

I feel sad that he is so entrenched in my life...my friends and family know him very well...

[This message edited by Ihopeyouaresomewhere at 9:03 PM, Thursday, February 26th]

A part of me feels like just letting him try it in person- I think once the fantasy bursts off the screen, he will not enjoy it or maybe he'll enjoy it too much...I said it would be like giving heroine...

I think he is naive..In his email to the pysch he wrote that this Dom was getting off with his humiliation...He paid 500 euro for the video call...Of course she would say that...I just want to shake him...So stupid...Apartently if he doesn't masturbate for 90 days, his head can reset so I am asking him to try that at miniumum...When I see your replies folks, I feel dumb for staying in this...It;s giving me some strength... I have a friend who is a dom who I confided in her for advice...Probably cause I wanted the softest response. I haven't told anyone else just due to the baggage of it all...It feels exhausting to think about

[This message edited by Ihopeyouaresomewhere at 9:23 PM, Thursday, February 26th]