SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Quick review. He cheated in our first year of M. (7th yr together) Confessed 42 yrs later. We have been together for 49 years.

Pre confession- Hard worker, financially responsible, serious, perfectionist, overly critical of himself and others, angry at times, impatient, discontent, emotionally distant at times, generous, trusting (ha!), worrier, mildly affectionate......

Post- Hard worker, financially responsible, lighthearted, perfectionist, less critical (catches himself), rarely angry, much more patient, content, emotionally tuned in, generous, still trusting, humble, less worried, passionate......

I am just floored at his transformation. Going on year 3 since confession and there has not been a blip in his behavior. It's like Jekyll/Hyde but in a good way!

His A was a gal he met in a bar while working away from home. He swears it was one night of sex and he "instantly knew" he f'd up. So, I've asked him if he had truly loved me like he claims he did, why didn't his behavior change from that point on? Why didn't he become the ideal H after that? Why did it take him 42 yrs and a confession before he could love and respect me like he should? The best he can come up with is that he was immature, selfish and he was disgusted with himself. Oh, and scared. I'm sure that was the case in his 20's and 30's, but what about his 40's, 50's and 60's?

Our circumstance is unique on this site, but I'm interested if there are others who have experienced something like this. It's almost like he had to confess and be held accountable before he would/could change. I'm holding a tad bit of resentment against him (which I'm working on). I feel like he robbed of us years of joy. I'm trying to focus on the present because it's really good now.

Not sure if I am making any sense, but this has puzzled me for 3 yrs now. Thanks

Mine is a much shorter and different kind of timeline, but there was a significant shift in his behavior after the final set of disclosures compared to the affair years and the preceding 10 months (it was 10 months between dday1 and dday4). Dday4 revealed a second AP and an EA from 11 years ago, and that also explained some subtle changes in our relationship during the following years. I attributed that to being in peak-child raising mode, but now I think it was also residual guilt and knowing that there were others "out there" with whom he could emotionally engage and physically desire.

I think your WS is right in his assessment of "why" - it comes down to guilt and shame. He did his best while hiding an essential truth because he was afraid to lose his marriage, but in keeping that secret, he always had his guard up. That is tiring to maintain, and it affected his relationship with you and his own ability to relax. Now that the truth is out, he can let down those walls.

People often talk about privacy and secrets as if they're the same thing, but I believe that privacy is maintained for personal safety, and secrets are toxic because they're born of shame/embarrassment. Your WS has finally purged himself of his toxic secret.

Why did it take him 42 yrs and a confession before he could love and respect me like he should?

Here I have this confession timeline:

- 10 Years
- 15 years
- 17 Years
- 20 Years

And I still know about at least one more she did not confess yet.

There might be more.

However I noticed too when they confess they get more respectful of you (or maybe they confess because they became more respectful?)

When the A kept a secret — they are literally hedging their bets — one foot in and one foot out of the door.

Why?

Because they aren’t certain that when the truth finally arrives, that they will still be accepted.

My wife, to her credit, did make SOME positive changes prior to her confession (18-years after it was over) but not nearly enough.

Ironically, our M was doing better, or at least had a chance to survive the truth when she finally told me.

With a full accounting, she was able to change more and be her best self.

At the core of it, I find most humans simply want to be loved for who they really are, flaws and all.

When there is a secret kept from a partner in life, they can’t really know the answer to that.