It’s been a month since I found out. This man I fell in love with, he’s kind and intelligent while being so handsome, I truly felt like the luckiest girl knowing he was mine. I never doubted him. I feel like a fool. Found out by accident, was not looking for it, so you can imagine how devastated and shocked I am.
I write this note as I reflect on my therapist saying that I am very lonely. And I don’t mind loneliness but I have been feeling so alone in this particular situation, and it bothers me. My intentions are clear : I need community, I need to relate, I need to know I’m gonna be ok, I need to know there’s hope for this relationship somehow. And if there’s only hope for me, for my future, that moving on is not scary if I want to consider it.
But right now, I’m not moving on, I want to make things better, I’m trying to rebuild. I’m not ready to let go.
(I’m not a native English speaker, so sorry if any of my writing sounds off, I also have a hard time with abbreviations)
I’m 27yo (F), have been in this relationship for 9 years, yes, almost a decade. My significant other (M) just turned 30.
48 hours before his birthday celebration on Valentine’s Day, I found out he was cheating on me and booking escorts on his lunch break. Saw texts about price list and he went multiple times in the last 4 months, he says he only just started the physical affair (did he really? Can I trust that’s the truth?). I wish I searched further (because looking back I now know it was bigger than I expected), but I was so shocked I confronted him immediately.
He didn’t deny, he was and he’s still remorseful and ashamed. He can’t stop saying he’s sorry. I wanted to know everything but he would not tell, so I searched through everything I could find, and the evidence I found starts in January 2023 (escort message on Snapchat), which makes me believe it has started 2022 or 2021 at least. He was on many different dating apps, one of which is branded for cheaters… he spent +700$ just on the apps subscription and add on options in 1.5 years. Told me he spent about 500$ on 3 escorts in the past 4 months (which starts just before Christmas).
Since then he’s not letting his phone or tablet near me (but would give access if I asked) it makes me so triggered that he’s still potentially hiding stuff, I can understand that knowing I went through it, is triggering for him, but he has to understand he chose this. He has not admitted to many things on his own, I have been clear that I need to know everything, that transparency is important for me. I asked many questions that were answered without details. He probably feels he can’t admit now that it has been a month, he says he doesn’t remember when he started using the apps, or about how many women he contacted, but that’s convenient isn’t it ? He could have told me it started years ago, but I had to find that out on my own.
We moved away from our families and friends for his career in Oct 2023, so I now know he was cheating (on apps at least) before asking me to make this big commitment for him. I feel betrayed beyond words knowing that.
He says it’s not about me at all, but I don’t know how can you cheat for this long without thinking about your significant other and the possibility of it ending things. I heard they all say this but I can’t wrap my head around it.
We’re one month in, I went to therapy (told him he’s gonna pay for my therapy and he agrees) and took care of myself, got an STI check (came back negative, we only have been intimate once in the physical cheating timeline he provided, this once we were protected so I knew there was almost no possibility of getting STI on my end), and at my demand he went to therapy too (it took him 3 weeks to book the appointment), he did not get the STI check yet but it’s a non-negotiable on my end that he share results with me. He told me he would like to donate to a charity for women, it surprised me but in truth he knows how I feel about men seeking prostitutes and the precariousness of women and maybe he feels terrible and it is a way to repay his selfish choice.
He told me he wanted to buy me gifts and flowers, or writing me a letter multiples times but was afraid to actually do it, which makes me sad and I see he’s trying really hard, he’s probably thinking he spent so much on his cheating while not actually spending money or time with me for something that was as thoughtful and pricey as I did for both Christmas and his birthday. Because yes, I went through his birthday celebration with friends and faked that everything was fine, baked the cake and still gifted the big 30th gift I bought for him instead of returning it to the store. I told him that he could wear this gift when he thinks he deserves it, for now it lays on his bedside table.
It’s hard for me to be mad at him, I know he’s struggling with a past of sexual abuse as a child, an alcoholic dad and he obviously struggles with himself because he feels ugly , not enough and not wanted by me somehow. I also know I’m his first everything, and with my consent I could have agreed to him experiencing something outside of our relationship (but still on my terms), but that option is not on the table anymore. I have always been an open minded girlfriend, trusting, never judging but with this happening, I know that ship has sailed, I need to put strict boundaries to be able to rebuild this.
I’m curious what people ask of their cheating partner to get trust back, what boundaries, what things are now a non-negotiable ? What were the first steps you took after finding out ? Is there hope that he will never do it again ?
I know I’m young, but I know he’s the love of my life. If it doesn’t work out, I just don’t think I will be able to open up to someone else, I feel like I would prefer to spend my life alone than to get this low again. I wish for this pain to stop, I’m miserable, and I feel dumb that I still need him. I used to be the girl that would end a relationship if she found out about cheating and here I am, not doing it.
[This message edited by WaterLillies at 2:55 PM, Tuesday, March 17th]
