SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m so lost. We closed on our dream home 1 week ago after surviving major financial infidelity 3 years ago. I had plenty of reason to divorce him then but my kids were young and I didn’t work.
Anyway a secret credit card came out in the closing process for the house. I found 2-4 instances of visiting massage parlors per year since 2022. He claims just HJ but the charges are $50 and $100 tip. Idk what else was happening in there. It also seems he hasn’t done it in over a year unless he paid cash. I can’t find any recent atm withdrawals though.

Anyway my point here is that I’m in the middle of moving into a home I can’t afford without his income. There are so many things with moving that are difficult and I do want his help with. So I’m letting him stick around until me and the kids are settled. We didn’t ask to be in the middle of moving chaos on our own. Then he’ll move in with his parents for hopefully a month. He doesn’t want to but I’m insisting he be uncomfortable.

I have told my bestie in NY but I haven’t told anyone in person. My therapist advised me not to "detonate anything yet". But I feel so fake when everyone asks if we’re excited about the move. I also feel so alone and want support of friends. But if I tell them and then we reconcile, it will be weird. It also might make him less agreeable in the divorce process.

How do you deal with this urge to lean on friends when you can’t yet?

I am not entirely sure if I got it right.

You are not speaking about financial infidelity now, but about your husband betraying you with prostitutes right?

Full blown adultery if that’s the case, no matter how minimizing the cheater is with "it’s just a…"

It’s just nothing. It doesn’t matter what sex act or emotional act is involved, once you cross that boundary is infidelity and it’s all the same.

The just thingy is a justification the cheater tells himself to deny they are a PoS and still a good person, if they can gaslight you into forgiveness by "accepting the is just a… new boundary".

And this guy also betrayed you financially before.

He doesn’t care about you, and for sure you deserve better.

Now you need to tell because the weight of feeling alone is crushing you.
Here you can freely get it off your chest and finding people who will hear you, understand you and advise you.

Anonymously so there’s also that protection.

Now friends and others.
They could be helpful or it could backfire.

People who have not been hit by infidelity tend to react differently than what you need because it is a very uncomfortable topic to discuss.

Best case you get stupid platitudes that help you nothing and make you feel stuck.
Worst case it gets out of control and you can’t get it back once it is out.

Therapist suggestion to wait has merits, you will share with friends (make sure the right kind of friend) when you have regained your center at least in part and have more clarity.

Not because friends are bad, betrayal trauma can only be healed by yourself, when you talk to friends what you do is talking to a mirror and the friend will somewhat mirror your own clarity engaging with it. This very moment they can only engage with trauma and that is not what you want to see reflected back. Not now at least.

Unless you have someone who went through betrayal already, in that case they can help you.

Here you also have a lot of people of that kind.
You have been heard and you will survive this.

How do you deal with this urge to lean on friends when you can’t yet?

Posting here sure helped me a lot. I've only told 1 of my friends about it, and no one in my family for reasons similar to yours.

Having a safe space like this with the support and wisdom from others who have been in our shoes has helped me so much. Just typing it out and getting feedback meant a lot to me.

I think you're right to be careful who you tell. If there's any chance at reconciliation it could go smoother if the whole world doesn't know about it. Your friends and family love you, and it's because of that you might get advice that's counter to your goal, and can make things harder to deal with.

If you end up choosing divorce, then I'd say all bets are off and you tell whoever you want to tell.

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:17 PM, Monday, April 20th]