SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello my SI friends,

I thought I’d come here and type my thoughts, hoping for some feedback or words of wisdom.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads. My H really has done a 180, he really has, he can reflect and open up to me in a way I never thought possible and because of this I understand him more than I ever have and he understands himself a lot better too. I know that if he could go back in time and change what he did he would, in a heartbeat, I know he deeply regrets and is sorry for what he has done, I see his pain.

Myself on the other hand, I feel that I’m at a place where I’m no longer consumed by my H’s betrayals, though I still trigger I see just how very pathetic they were. I’m also fully aware of risks and choices.

I know that I can have a good life with my H and I would really like to grow old with him, the authentic him and he’s actually quite awesome but, and there’s always a but, I don’t want to always bring the betrayals up, I don’t want to throw them in his face, I don’t want to hold on to them, I don’t want to be full of bitterness and resentment, I know I have a stinking temper you’ve all seen a watered down version of it but it’s not me, I want to be able to enjoy life. What happened happened and after all of this, everything we’ve been through, I don’t want my H to suffer, I don’t want to suffer either.

I feel like something is missing, what kept you stuck longer than necessary and what finally freed you?

Surrender.

Simple as that.
Accepting what it was and what it is.

If what it is is different than what it was you can probably move on, today, not yesterday.
It will come up sometimes, but is the past, a scar you chose to bear.

Unfortunately the wound is deep so the memories will be painful but they are just that, memories of a harsh trauma.

The crossroad is also simple, though brutal:

- You can forget and leave the pain behind, but you need to say goodbye to your husband for the rest of the life. Complete healing, a new life.
- Live in the present, with the new you, your new husband, and file the past under memories. It was a terrible past, it might be a decent future, but what is important is the present, live it to its fullest.

Unfortunately is the tradeoff, you have been betrayed, that is not a "mistake" it was a very damaging choice.
Hard things like this live in the memory forever, it does not preclude to you happiness if you choose so.

Follow your feeling, if it keeps coming up and you can't live with it, the path is separate from the person who hurt you.
You love him, he seems to finally love you. That might overcome the old wounds.

Feel it, only you can find the answer

I feel like something is missing,

Healing. That may be what's holding you back, keeping you from deciding which road to take.

This feeling that you've come to a crossroad and have to make a decision is both understandable and fairly common. I think we all want to find our way forward as quickly as possible, to make a decision and stick to it. Unfortunately, I don't think it's so easy.

Healing is going to take years. You might want to discuss the infidelity tomorrow, next week, or twenty years from now. This is the price of reconciliation. This shit never goes away.

It might help to view it not as a crossroads, with a singular choice to be made immediately, but rather as a long highway with plenty of rest stops and exit ramps.

My ten cents is this:

It’s ok to be angry.

It’s not okay to let it consume you.

If you stop yourself from re-living the past, you would be surprised how easy it is to live in the present.

I’m not saying it’s easy to avoid replaying things. But if you do, you should try to not let it consume you and push you over the edge towards rage and/or explosions.

My position is that every second I think of the affair, the OW wins. She wants me to be miserable, unhappy, etc.

So I’m the opposite.

I put myself first. I live my best life. I laugh often and spend my days doing things I love. It gets harder as you get older as your friends move away, people get ill and lifestyles change unfortunately.

Life is short. Put your happiness front and center.