Newest Member: faithfulMan911

I Can Relate :
Emotional Affairs

Topic is Sleeping.
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reallylost ( Member #18185) posted at 6:07 PM on Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

I have been so blown away by the magnitude of the pain I have felt from this experience...I in some ways feel like I just woke up from a dream...my life was just coasting by until 12/26/07..forever my life will be...my life before and my life afterwards....I often felt before this that my H was better than me, I totally trusted him with my everything!! Where do you go after that? I blamed myself at first..what was wrong with me, sure I'm not perfect...that is no excuse!!Have you heard about the book, "Not Just Friends", I recommend it highly, for you and for your spouse. This is a process, somedays I didn't think I would survive it. But, I did and you will too..get support...read here, so many have experienced the same thing..and if you need meds, take them..I am still considering it. Stay Strong!!

Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

posts: 166   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2008   ·   location: KY
id 2943711
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capri ( Member #14940) posted at 7:36 PM on Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

Maybe your home computer has the information you need to access his work e-mail

No. He changed the password, doesn't log on, EVER from home for fear of me getting the pw, and tells me that their e-mail system isn't even accessible outside of his work computer. According to my computer expert acquaintance, that might actually be true (what? truth coming out of his mouth?) but even if it isn't, it's no longer worth the effort to me. I know that he and she discussed his fear of me seeing anything and how he'd just instantly delete anything to or from her. It would be a fool's game trying to find anything, even if they e-mail every day. I'd have to spend 24/7 on the computer, and frankly, if he wants to convince me he's now an honest man, HE needs to start doing the work.

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

posts: 4486   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2007
id 2943929
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Lucky ( Member #6864) posted at 9:54 PM on Thursday, April 17th, 2008

how many of you have to endure that your spouse still works with the op?

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.... for 18 long months after d-day.

She finally stormed out

and can NEVER be re-hired... yippeeeeee

I wrote an article in the Healing Library in BS FAQ'S about working w/ OP.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ3

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥



posts: 36162   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2005
id 2950154
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Lucky ( Member #6864) posted at 9:56 PM on Thursday, April 17th, 2008

Although kissing is intimate I don't consider that to be a PA.

Mainly because I think it disrespects the members here who's WS had a sexual affair.

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥



posts: 36162   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2005
id 2950160
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tormentedsoul ( Member #16989) posted at 6:17 AM on Friday, April 18th, 2008

I think kissing does make an PA, actually, I guess it depends on the kiss... a romantic kiss or a peck, like kissing the bride at a wedding... the friendly peck (ie kissing on the cheeks like in France) would be ok... but a romantic emotional kiss does constitute a PA. I also think a PA is easier to deal with on some levels... at least the WS knows they've crossed a clear line... An EA can keep a WS in denial for way to long

EA's - they really suck!

posts: 178   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2007   ·   location: Lost in the woods
id 2951410
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trustagain ( Member #16921) posted at 3:02 PM on Friday, April 18th, 2008

tormentedsoul - I couldn't agree with you more. My WH so far has only admitted to a kiss. Since then, I can't even kiss him. That is intimate enough.

I know with my first H - I found out early in our relationship that he got a BJ from a lap dance when he and a bunch of guys went to a bachelor party. All the guys did. I stayed with him, and even forgave him. One time thing. Then 18 years later he had a "real" A and we divorced. I couldn't and wouldn't forgive that.

But with my current H it was flirting through emails - 100's of texts, a secret cell phone, etc. I am trying to R, but I honestly don't know if I can. I feel like I am doing all the work, all the worrying.

I think part of me not leaving as I did with my first H is that I sold my home, moved my sons to a new area and I really would hate to uproot them again. I want it to work - I do love him - we have only been married 1 year.

I just truly feel that he is still in contact with her and just further underground.

WH - 55
BS (me) - 57
Son - 31
Son - 24
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Dday Again - 13 years later....

posts: 4478   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2007
id 2951922
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Lucky ( Member #6864) posted at 10:11 PM on Friday, April 18th, 2008

I understand what your saying about the kissing.

For *me* I don't consider it that because Mr Lucky never initiated it, she literally climbed in his lap and started attacking his face.

As far as a kiss, it was pretty freaking lame. Her attacking and him pulling away and turning his face away.

It doesn't hurt any-less though.

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥



posts: 36162   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2005
id 2953337
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dayatatime ( Member #17090) posted at 10:47 PM on Friday, April 18th, 2008

Have you guys ever wondered why EA did not turn to PA.

I can't figure out sometimes how anyone can get SOOO emotionally involved with someone without the physical component. How can you "luuuvvv" someone without as much as a kiss?

(I can verify that WH's A was EA only because I hacked into his email where he admitted to her how tempted he was to go to PA.)

WH and OW shared multiple ILYs, 100s of texts/emails/phone calls/time alone at work.

OW tried to take it to a physical level, but WH went into IC and blew the whistle on the A. He said he didn't want to lose his M. I appreciate this but it still hurts like hell sometimes.

He said he loved the adoration and the way she made him feel but did not love her. When the EA threatened to go to a PA he realized this.

Still there was SO MUCH fog - he was feeling so bad because of MLC, FOO, etc. the he needed her constant stroking.

I still don't get it sometimes.

BS 47

WH 49

son 7

Dday 9/25/07

[This message edited by dayatatime at 4:48 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

BS 56
WH 59
son 17
EA 2007, S.A. recovery since 2011

posts: 864   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2007
id 2953422
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Lucky ( Member #6864) posted at 11:25 PM on Friday, April 18th, 2008

Well she offered, he said no, he wouldn't cross THAT line.

Thank god, huh?

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥



posts: 36162   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2005
id 2953515
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2yrsinthedark ( Member #16278) posted at 4:41 AM on Sunday, April 20th, 2008

No PA because she is 600 miles away. Im sure they would have if she had been in town.

"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8

posts: 378   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2007   ·   location: TX
id 2956149
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capri ( Member #14940) posted at 4:49 AM on Sunday, April 20th, 2008

An EA can keep a WS in denial for way to long

Exactly. And one of the reasons we're stuck. Either he's lying to me that none of them became pa, or they really didn't and he's really got himself convinced that years of secret female friends and lies isn't that serious because, hey, he didn't SLEEP with them.

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

posts: 4486   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2007
id 2956160
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tormentedsoul ( Member #16989) posted at 3:18 PM on Monday, April 21st, 2008

Capri,

to this day, I don't think my ww thinks she really did anything wrong, but she understands my feelings at least she has had no known contact in 6+ months

EA's - they really suck!

posts: 178   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2007   ·   location: Lost in the woods
id 2958369
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capri ( Member #14940) posted at 3:36 PM on Monday, April 21st, 2008

tormentedsoul,

How does that leave you feeling? How do you deal with that attitude?

I suppose I could look at it as grateful that he has (supposedly) ended contact despite not understanding. But the way I see it is, he had his intimate conversations with her about our marriage and other things. He still doesn't have any conversations with me deeper than kids, work, and weather. He has said he's not afraid of her looking down on him, and that's why he could talk with her about his feelings.

Well, I'm flattered, but it doesn't solve anything.

Sooner or later, he's going to want to have some emotional connection with another human being again, and since he refuses to have it with me, I have no doubt whatsoever this is going to happen again.

I also feel his refusal to see a problem with lies, secrets, and discussing my faults and deepest secrets with another woman is disingenuous, a refusal to take responsibility. His attitude is, I'm not contacting her anymore, so why can't we just disagree (about how serious it was)?

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

posts: 4486   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2007
id 2958414
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2yrsinthedark ( Member #16278) posted at 3:42 AM on Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

Hi fellow EAs, I had a question for you. I hope Im not breaking any SI rules, Im sure I'll find out soon enough.

Anyway, I was wondering if maybe we can all make a date and meet up on Yahoo (any of the others) to chat sometime. Some support time, or vent time or whatever. Let me know what you think.

"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8

posts: 378   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2007   ·   location: TX
id 2960115
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capri ( Member #14940) posted at 3:59 AM on Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

I'd be all for it.

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

posts: 4486   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2007
id 2960152
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wasfooled2 ( Member #13783) posted at 5:32 AM on Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

Have you guys ever wondered why EA did not turn to PA.

My H's didn't because I caught him while we was planning his trip to turn it into a PA. The trip never happened.

(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick

posts: 5584   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2007   ·   location: Chicago Suburbs
id 2960300
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tormentedsoul ( Member #16989) posted at 3:11 PM on Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

Capri

How does that leave you feeling? How do you deal with that attitude?

It's kind of the elephant in the room that no one talks about. We seem to be doing well, I just can't seem to let it go in my mind. Constantly thinking when will she contact him again or go to far with someone else.. until it happens (if it happens) it's just wait and see

EA's - they really suck!

posts: 178   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2007   ·   location: Lost in the woods
id 2960917
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capri ( Member #14940) posted at 3:24 PM on Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

It's kind of the elephant in the room that no one talks about. We seem to be doing well, I just can't seem to let it go in my mind. Constantly thinking when will she contact him again or go to far with someone else.. until it happens (if it happens) it's just wait and see

Exactly what's going on here. And if I do ask questions, he yells and gets angry. When I point out that I don't yell and shout if he asks questions about my friends who really are just friends, I don't feel any anger. He has a way of blaming me for that, too, saying he's angry because I keep asking and asking.

Actually, there are two problems with his answer. One is that he's gotten angry from the very start. The first time I saw the secret e-mail account, I genuinely felt NOTHING except surprise. He got angry at me! The second is that I actually have given him plenty of time 'off' from being asked.

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

posts: 4486   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2007
id 2960974
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tormentedsoul ( Member #16989) posted at 3:26 AM on Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008

Capri,

he's angry because I keep asking and asking.

He probably just doesn't understand why you don't trust him anymore. He can't see that when he lied, he lost all credibility and only by talking and answer questions can he even start to build that up again.

For me, like I said, it's the white elephant in the room. We don't talk about and I don't bring it up. I do check cell records and e-mail every chance I get.. nothing on those fronts so I've started to worry less. Hopefully, one day, trust will be fully regained

EA's - they really suck!

posts: 178   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2007   ·   location: Lost in the woods
id 2962929
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capri ( Member #14940) posted at 3:35 AM on Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008

No, he doesn't seem to really grasp how badly he's destroyed his credibility. He explains to me that I can feel reassured it's over because he said so. It would be funny if it weren't so serious. There have been dozens of times when he's 'said so,' and it turned out to be a lie, even in front of two mc's.

And we mostly don't talk about it anymore, either. So for us, it's also an elephant under the rug.

Unfortunately, in my case, he's shown himself so adept at thinking up new ways to trick me, that I just can't let myself trust anymore. If I found a dozen secret e-mails of both his and hers and had access to everyone, and checked each ten times a day, I'd wonder if they each had a thirteenth that I hadn't yet found, that they were using. That's where his lies have left me. I really don't know if the damage can ever be undone.

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

posts: 4486   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2007
id 2962957
Topic is Sleeping.
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