Probably not.
Successful relationships are built on a few governing principles around the fundamentals of mutual and self respect. Affairs are based on a foundation that eventually turns on the affair partners themselves as the relationship is destroyed by the same flaws that made it possible to begin with. What drives an affair is the excitement of instant gratification, not commitment and investment, and once the excitement wanes, there is nothing left to restore the passion.
Affairs are built around the emotional fallout of a marriage. The wayward partners bond over the perceived problems of the betrayed spouses and set up an “us vs. them” dynamic. Most of the affair is built up around resentment of the betrayed spouse. Often, once the betrayed spouse says “Toodles! Have fun with that” there is very little left to sustain the affair. This element of the affair is all about looking at things in relative terms and not on the absolute value and merit of it, in its own respect. The other person can no longer compete with the betrayed spouse, and without that method in mind, they settle back into their true selves as old patterns and behaviours emerge. Little focus was put into building the relationship and more was put into destroying those around them. They can’t move forward constructively because they are encumbered by the destroying the past.
Further to this, this sets up a template for victimisation of themselves. All their problems are blamed on others, and their happiness is placed in their partner’s hands. This precludes one from acting with personal responsibility and empowerment and reinforces patterns of escape from dealing constructively with issues and taking ownership. A focus on the negative, sets into motion those same dynamics that will affect one. Little forward thought is present on how to nurture and grow.
Successful relationships are built around an intricate balance of giving and taking. Affairs are all about taking. To sustain a relationship one must be willing to have their emotional needs met, and to meet the needs of the partner. When a wayward partner falls in love with their affair partner they are only looking to meet their own needs. They do not fall in love with their partner, in the proper sense, but fall in love with how they feel from the extra validation and ego stroking and how see themselves reflected back. Often, they are relieving their own feelings of inadequacy and insecurity by bonding with one who has significant personal issues (and really, how wonderful can a person be, that would sleep with a married person?) and they are thus able to feel a sense of superiority. They may feel better temporarily, but those same issues are still there, and they have included more that are hidden and festering away.
Additionally, to protect those emotional investments that are made, a successful relationship requires proper boundaries, honesty, thoughtfulness and empathy for others and a willingness to make decisions mutually. Affairs require broken boundaries, deceit, and betrayal making unilateral decisions. There is no respect of the wayward partner (how can you respect someone and put them in such a destructive position?) or respect of yourself (in the same regard). Leaving the marriage for the affair reinforces these destructive habits and instead of feeling like meeting the other’s needs, giving them undivided attention, and working on the relationship, it sets up patterns for resistance, avoidance, and resentment. This not only leaves the relationship vulnerable, but actively destroys the feelings of love.
A marriage, in the simplest of terms, is the output of two people. If it’s broken beyond repair, then the implication is that one of the partners is broken. They can run from the marriage, but they’re only running away from themselves. And if you run from yourself wherever you go, are you ever really there?
That all being said, there are still a few hard truths to deal with. Sometimes when the affair breaks, the wayward partner will not return to the marriage out of not wanting to face their shame, unerasable devaluation, and taking the path of least perceived resistance. Sometimes, the affair will continue out of pride and a need to justify that what they were doing was right. In both cases, they’ll often enter a downward spiral of making poor choices in effort to prove something to themselves, which perpetuates a cycle of self destruction. They may very well continue their behaviour until the end of their days and be left scratching their heads wondering what the common link to all of their problems are. However, there are a few that will face themselves, learn to take responsibility, and ensure that they begin taking positive and constructive steps forward to commit to their emotional balance and health. Afterall, they are in charge of their own destiny and happiness. Character is destiny. We build that character with every decision we make and that, ultimately, is what guides us through life. We cannot escape the consequences of the decions we make or that others make - but even against all odds we can always rise above adversity. Every person is responsible for his or her character and qualities and has the capacity to gain new qualities and extend our influence. You included.
[This message edited by SerJR at 7:52 AM, March 27th (Friday)]
