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Skurd,

I think, we had been patient. It would be understandable that if you were newly ended foggy WSs, but you joined here 2 years ago and are still stuck and thinking irrationally.....

From your post, I didn't sense that you even thought or feel afterwards that checking his myspace was bad thing, and that itself tells us that you weren't remorseful and didn't learn a lesson.

[This message edited by beach at 3:24 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

Skurd, I don't think anyone has been disrespectful towards you...perhaps we've swung a few 2x4's in an attempt to get you to see what all of us are seeing (BS & WS alike)...and yes, it's frustrating to watch someone justify these actions...but I haven't seen any disrespect. In fact, IMPO some people have bowed out of this thread rather than turn disrespectful and obey the forum rules.

I for one am glad to hear that you are back in NC. I hope you work on your own issues for external validation though...learn to be happy with who YOU are regardless of what other people have or don't have. I think if you continue to look for external validation you are always going to find yourself coming up short in some way and THAT will always remain a problem.

Best of luck!!!

GEL

We all want you to succeed, you were having what appeared to be a weak moment, you broke your NC and it looked like you might actually make contact. You were so close to failing. We readers all became very concerned for you and your husband. It didn't appear that you were listning, you kept justifing your actions. Are you going to tell your husband that you broke your NC?

Changing old unhealthy behavior patterns is HARD... very very hard.

Giving up trying to understand others' odd behavior is hard too - and holding grudges, etc...

Let it all go. If you love your husband, put all that energy into him and your marriage. Then you won't need to feel validated by having more internet friends...

I respect what everyone wrote. I really do, and I've taken it to heart. Yes, I have severe external validation issues. I compare myself to others all the time. Once again, I want to thank everyone for caring. I defintely did show weakness. I'll be the first to admit that.

Beach wrote:

"I think, we had been patient. It would be understandable that if you were newly ended foggy WSs, but you joined here 2 years ago and are still stuck and thinking irrationally..... "

(BTW, how do I cut/paste like everyone else does where it shows up a diff color?)

Trust me, its been 2 years and I'm still completely fed up by this "fog". What do I do? Why am I still foggy? I was so good for 1.5 years. I wonder why I checked this now??

Trust me, its been 2 years and I'm still completely fed up by this "fog". What do I do? Why am I still foggy? I was so good for 1.5 years. I wonder why I checked this now??

First, to get things bold or italic or in the quote box, you copy & paste into the reply area then highlight before hitting the right button to the left of the reply box.

Second, the best thing to do is to work on the identifying & addressing the issues that are the driving force for your harmful actions in every way you can. That can be a combo of IC, books, workbooks, support groups, etc. Just find every resource available to you in order to create a healthier happier life & marriage for you. Of course I do agree your BS should be told the whole truth as well.

Right now I am reading a book by Keith Ablow called "Living the Truth: Transform Your Life Through the Power of Insight & Honesty". That might be a great start for you?

Why now would be difficult for us to answer, but you may want to think of any stressors or triggers which have made you more vulnerable now than before as a starting place too. Sometimes we're not totally aware of triggers consciously but they still work to zap us...

I agree that you may have given up the acting out affair wise but not totally the desire for it or the attraction it has for you in significant ways, so it's been kinda kept in a special box in your mind to pull out in an unhealthy way for you. From there it was one simple step to check out his myspace page which has been pointed out, is only one step away from letting yourself keep going down the slippery slope again. If the affair was a bottle of poison to you, it's doubtful you would want to keep handling the bottle or take the top off to take a quick sniff the way it seems you are doing with OM. You'd just want to stay the hell away, period.

[This message edited by unicornsearcher at 5:06 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

(BTW, how do I cut/paste like everyone else does where it shows up a diff color?)

Like this? LOL - it's easy. All you do is highlight the text and click the "quote" button to the left of the text box.

What do I do?

Get into IC as soon as you can.....

Trust me, its been 2 years and I'm still completely fed up by this "fog". What do I do? Why am I still foggy? I was so good for 1.5 years. I wonder why I checked this now??

I think you kept the affair alive in your mind all this time. You never let it go. You were physically NC, but remained mentally in the affair.

skurd -- another possibility is that this may be a hormonal thing, you may want to check yourself along physical and bodily desire lines, that are causing you to reach out into the wrong places.

Just testing, lol.

Yes, I agree, perhaps I have been in physical NC, but not mental. But even being in physical NC has helped control mental. I'm trying to figure out what it was that triggered me. I think it might have been that I hung out with some friends of his this weekend (who were actually my friends first). I don't know how close they are cuz I don't ever wanna even mention his name to them. I don't know if they know what happened, but I definitely don't wanna open a can of worms. Instead, I went on his Myspace to see if they were Myspace friends.

[This message edited by Skurd at 8:02 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

I have to admit that reading through this whole thread had me wondering at times about your true motivation....

There are fantastic FWS here who do give a shit about helping struggling WS to get to "FWS" status.

They have the hard-earned right and wisdom to issue 2x4's (within the guidelines)to WS posters who exhibit foggy thinking and actions.

They have offered you darn near a manifesto on this thread for preserving NC. I can only hope you can hear it and apply it.

However, something else stuck out in your mention of your ex BFF....

I have analyzed every possible outlet and cannot think of any reason she would not want to continue our friendship. This happened 5 years ago and thinking about how she just left me there in the cold without any explanation still makes my blood boil.

Five years of festering blood boiling??

That's a long-term resentment, wouldn't you agree?

Have you considered any IC for that issue? Resolving that could ultimately help you to release obsession about the exMM and refocus on your M.

If....that is really what you want.

I've been in IC for my ex bff issue. They told me that if it bothered me so much after so long, I should contact her again. So I did, and the bitch never responded!

"But the bitch never responded" comes across loud and clear. You never had a clue as to the issue?

Wow Skurd... right now you are the poster child for why you have to seek self closure. There used to be an excellent post here about how to get closure without breaking NC.

Frankly, your IC's advice sucked. In the case of an ex-BFF is ok to make contact. In this case she didn't respond, fences couldn't be mended so you have to closure yourself it's something you have to create. Same with xOM, closure doesn't come about by how many friends he has... geez the next test 1.5 years from now is what kind of car does he drive, how big is his house.

When your exBFF didn't respond, what did your IC say/do? Or was the matter just dropped?

Peeking is a bad idea.

Are you still married?

If so, does your spouse know you "just looked at" a former lover's pages.. just to see what they're up to?

If I caught my H doing that I would walk out the door.

I think its only natural to be curiuos

curiosity killed the cat

I agree with what beach has said. very good points and ideas about where to look.

If your bff doesn't want to be friends, then find new ones. When friends leave, nomatter what the reason.. we let them go. They will find a way back when they need us and we can choose to respond at that time.

I know I thought of talking to an x during the first part of our M. Had I "just checked" up on him I would have been sunk.

I am just not that strong. It's how I was created.

If you are in this place it sounds to me like you don't feel strong enough either. Don't tempt yourself! You'll get into hot water again. When you have the inclination to checkup- I would consult an IC..

Or your spouse!! If you still have one.

Skurd, were you by any chance looking to see if OM is with another person who in your opinion doesn't come close to being what you are? Perhaps at some subconscious level you still held out hope that some bit of what you had still survived. If so, you should focus more attention on the hit your husband took to his self-esteem by rejecting him for other man. Don't act on anything that has to do with other man except run.

Skurd,

Again...

Is it possible that you have unresolved abandonment issue (FOO - family of origin) from childhood?? and that could be a major part of your root cause.

Please look into that seriously.

Normally, you would go through the SWIRL process to let go, but you seems like you are stuck in the withdrawal, internalizing and rage stage (feeling toward the abandoner).

Your goal should be indifferent toward the xOM/xfbb. That is more powerful.

I would recommend you the book "journey from abandonment to healing" by Susan Anderson.

Stage Four: Rage

Rage heralds the beginning of recovery. This fourth stage is when you begin to reverse the rejection, take back your power and take on the challenges of the outside world.

1. Rage doesn't mean you have to get revenge against your ex. Remember, the best revenge is success.

2. Watch your moves. Anger spurts out of control during this turbulent time. As agitated and impatient as you feel, be careful not to take your rage out on innocent bystanders (including friends who, in their own imperfect way, are only trying to help).

3. Start turning it around. Invest your aggressive energy into turning this difficult time into one of personal triumph. Commit to positive change.

4. Take back control. Don't put your life on hold waiting for your ex to come back or change. It's time to will yourself to move forward.

5. Get ready to forgive. If you're still feeling "wronged," you might not be ready to make the leap all the way to complete forgiveness. Here's a twist: Imagine asking your ex to forgive you for using him/her to abuse yourself.

6. Don't suppress your rage -- channel it positively. Properly directed rage can mobilize action, fuel new projects, help you change old routines and explore new avenues to wellness. Use your rage to go after your old self-defeating patterns with a vengeance and revamp your life.

7. Identify your relationship patterns. Vow to break the patterns that have kept you on the outside of love in previous relationships.

8. Conquer new territory. Take a trip to a new environment that will support the new you, free from all of the old reminders. Use this time to regroup and establish new goals.

9. Reclaim old territory. Reclaim some of the territory lost in the breakup. Re-experience some of your sacred places with a new friend or by yourself to discover your ability to celebrate life without your ex.

10. Create your own closure for the relationship. Write your ex a letter, expressing all of your feelings, stating your own reasons for choosing to separate. Then decide whether or not to send it. Either way, set firm boundaries with your ex, bringing an end to the relationship on your terms. (It will be at your own risk.)

Stage Five: Lifting

"Lifting" is when you rise back into life and get ready to love again. The external changes you've been making in your hairstyle, car, clothes and weight signal to the world that you're making even more significant changes on the inside. During lifting, these changes pay off. To promote the new you:

1. Step outside of your life. Discover new interests, capabilities and aspects of your personality beyond your usual circle of friends and activities.

2. Think of your previous relationship as boot camp. You've learned its lessons. Now you're finally ready to ...

3. Get back out there. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but put the word out that you're ready to go public as a single person. Take advantage of every opportunity that surrounds you with people.

4. Reach out to at least 10 new people. Include those who might share some of your interests as well as those whose interests extend your own.

5. Do not dismiss new connections to whom you're not attracted. Your goal in this step is not to fall in love. It is to discover your emerging new interests and strengths through meeting and getting to know a variety of people.

6. Do not clamp onto any one person. Your intense emotional needs at this time alter your judgment about who is right for you. There's a temptation to get attached to the first person who takes your aloneness away. Yet sometimes that first person turns out to be the wrong one. Committing yourself to seeing a variety of people will allow you to stay connected without having to attach to any one person.

7. Share your true feelings with at least three new connections. People who can listen and understand without judgement do exist. If you think there's no one out there you can trust, you haven't looked in the right places. Your job is to go find them.

8. Be rigorously honest. Come clean about how you have contributed to the problems in your relationship. When you admit your own culpability, you are cleansing your abandonment wound by discovering that people still love and accept you. Breaking the shame barrier redeems your self-esteem and deepens your healing.

9. Surrender to your losses of the past. Make a conscious effort to be in the moment, fully present with others.

10. Become your "higher self." Make deeper connections with those who bring out the best in you, motivate you to reach your goals, support your convictions, share your highest values and make you feel good about who you are becoming.