SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just a reminder, this is still a protected forum and the description asks that all post respectfully.

Please stay within the guidelines of this forum.

Skurd

You have crossed the line. Stop now before you destroy whats left of your M.

Only you can define your own self worth. It doesn't matter how many "friends" you or anyone has. Some people will accept anyone as a friend.

Some people do it out of necessity to network and some for a silly childish desire to see who has more. It doesn't mean they are actually "friends".

Curiosity means interest and interest means OM is still in your life and in your M.

NC means no contact whatsoever!!!

Skurd;

Just happened to be looking at old threads and opps, look at what I found posted on the WS side on September 21. 2009.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=316535

RemorsefulOne - If you work on creating a little "fabulous" in your own life, I guarantee that you won't be thinking about how "fabulous" the xOM's life is. You will be so happy with yourself, you won't have time to think about him!

Skurd - I have been trying to create my own "fabulousness"... But it hasn't been working. Part of the thing is, he is a lawyer - and I wanted to be a lawyer but didn't get into law school :( That alone makes him one level up from me. I have a menial job, although I try hard to make friends, I still don't have any. And I agree, the grass is always greener on the other side. However, he certainly has more green grass than I do, and I know that for a fact. My marriage is in shambles, and he has a hot new serious gf. I just want him to contact me some way, just so I can see his vulnerability. GOSH! Someone else please tell me I'm not completely nuts... or am I??

And now today, we find that the “fabulousness” is being measurred by checking to see who has more FB friends. Hmmm.

Hmmm, no indifference here, just a whole lot of coulda, shoulda, woulda as Beach would say.

I think it you own it to yourself to ask the question, where is this need to measure yourself against him come from?

What insecurities do you have that you have not addressed?

What FOO issues are not yet resolved that feed into this need?

Just some thoughts.

Skurd, you are having trouble right now seeing the slope you are most definately on.

The first step away from the edge is telling your H you looked.

Secrets breed in the dark.

Turn on the light and walk away from the edge.

skurd - here's what I think concerns me the most with what you have shared:

Wanted to see what kind of company he keeps these days. Mostly also to see if I have more friends with him, which I did, and that made me very happy. Because I feel that that means I have progressed socially, where as he may not have.

I kinda did it to see if I would still have a rush of emotions. But I didn't, and not feeling that rush made me feel great! It made me feel like I was back in control again. I have no inkling to peek again. In fact, I feel like I've moved on way more than him. So I'm good.

I always hope I'm better off than her.

Secondly, I wanted to see who had more friends. The person with more friends is considered "cooler" in society since they know more people.

What this all tells me, no, shouts at me, is your need for external validation. You are defining your sense of worth based on how people view and interact with you versus how they view and interact with others you feel have "wronged" you.

You've gone further to convince yourself that you are out of the A because you don't feel tempted to immediately break NC with the OP.

You have a terminal illness building inside you, but because you took a pill that took away the pain you feel ok. You treated the symptoms, but never faced the root cause.

It is not ok to gauge how we are doing by wanting and hoping for others around us to "suffer more". It is not healthy to use how others choose to form friendships and support networks as the basis for deciding whether or not we are good people.

There is one standard we need to live up to. The best we as individuals are capable of being. And the only one who knows that for sure is ourselves.

IC would be a great place to explore this remaining flaw in your character. Finding answers to key questions always puts us in a better place afterward, even if the effort is a struggle to get there. Among the questions I would have to find answers to if this were my view would be:

Why does is matter who remains friends with your ex-BFF (the ultimate in oxymorons, because if they are an ex they were never a best friend forever!) or your OP?

You wish that others who you feel have wronged you end up worse off socially than you perceive yourself to be. Why does this matter?

If you and OP both went on to have terrific remaining lives, why is this a bad thing?

If you are truly over the A, why do you still find yourself committing time and energy to keep contact alive with the OP, even if it's "just passive"?

If only my family remained with me today and all others left me "friendless", would I still consider that bad and define my life as worse off than others?

and the big one:

Why am I giving the choices of others so much power over my own happiness?

Why am I giving the choices of others so much power over my own happiness?

*applauds*

Thanks for the comments, but I think its only natural to be curiuos. After containing my curiousity for 1.5 years, I felt like I deserved to just see if we had any more mutual friends, rather than surprisingly running into him again. I really feel good knowing that I no longer get the rush of emotions which I once dreaded.

And yes, I definitely have external validation issues. I still think about my ex bff all the time and hope my life is better than hers. Same with xOM. I want to know that I have succeeded more in life. I guess its my version of revenge for screwing me over.

You were married the OM didn't screw you over, you screwed yourself over by poor choices.

This still boils down to what would your BH say if he knew/does he know that you looked?

Skurd,

You really need to tell your husband and get this out in the open. You know what happens when you hide things, it's not pretty. Do you think your husband would be ok with you checking Myspace? I don't think you ever answered that question.

I agree with runoverbytruck, I think you are on the slope and you can't see it.

Thanks for the comments, but...

See you down the hill.

Skurd,

Precisely how were YOU screwed over??? I think you came here with this post possibly expecting some pats on the back, but instead you are getting some very honest thwacks upside the head (from both sides)...that you are totally disregarding.

I'm just going to ask this point blank...does it even matter to you how viewing the OM's page would make your BH feel? Please, know...I'm not saying that in a hateful manner either...I'm really curious, you have managed to side-step each and every one of us who have asked you how you think he would feel about this....are you able to put yourself in his shoes to see this from his perspective?

DS or any other mods...let me know if I'm overstepping here. I really am just curious to hear her answer.

[This message edited by greeneyedlass at 4:16 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]

My ex bff screwed me over by just deciding to not be my friend anymore without any reason. I will always hate her for that. She could've come to me and talked to me. I have analyzed every possible outlet and cannot think of any reason she would not want to continue our friendship. This happened 5 years ago and thinking about how she just left me there in the cold without any explanation still makes my blood boil.

I have this type of feeling toward xOM too. I feel like I thought he was my friend, but then took advantage of me. I will share the blame, however. Although I feel like he was kinda like a drug dealer giving me a hit, then I was hooked.

Skurd,

you haven't answered my question...

Are you and your H still long distance?

What are you going to do about your M?

[This message edited by beach at 4:49 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]

I am a BS and I don't want to come across as angry so I am going to keep it short - My question is why is he still a friend on your page. If he wasn't still a friend then how many "Mutual friends" you had would have shown up without you going to his page. Same with Facebook.

Although I feel like he was kinda like a drug dealer giving me a hit, then I was hooked

This analogy doesn't work in your case, but I'll bite anyway. Drug dealers only supply addicts who come calling. They don't seek their customers out. They make their product available and if the addict CHOOSES to seek them out, then they are there with product in hand. It's time to get really honest with yourself Skurd... In fact, it's overdue...

[This message edited by MissesJai at 5:50 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]

Thanks for the comments, but I think its only natural to be curiuos. After containing my curiousity for 1.5 years, I felt like I deserved to just see if we had any more mutual friends, rather than surprisingly running into him again. I really feel good knowing that I no longer get the rush of emotions which I once dreaded.

After 10 years of NC WW decided it was safe to contact OM again. They were "friends" before the PA began. She wanted to re connect. She was curious about he life and he M.

Contact thru FB led to meeting in person.

Do I need to say more? Can you guess how this worked out?

I ask only that you think care fully. And consider the consequences.

For the record, we are not Myspace friends. I found his pictures tagged with another mutual friend of ours. In this small town, I'm afraid we have more mutual friends than we know about. I don't wanna accidentally run into him.

BH and I have discussed this, so he knows. Just like he knows I check my ex bffs Myspace too. He tells me not to dwell about it. He says I dwell too much about things in the past, and yes, I agree with him. We are doing quite well in our marriage. He has accepted what has happened and knows he can't change anything from the past.

Skurd, you posted this on 11/14:

I've been in NC for over 1.5 years now. I'm doing okay I suppose, but the reality is, I still really miss xOM.

You posted this on 10/12:

Has anyone ever given another try with BH only to have it fail, then go back to xOP? I'm starting to consider it... I've been in NC officially for 1.5 years now. However, BH and I are having problems not related to the A. I've been thinking of breaking it off with BH and seeing if xOM is still available.

This is how we know that checking his MySpace page wasn't as innocent as you claim.

How do you explain the contradiction?

skurd, you just said,

We are doing quite well in our marriage.

BUT as Hope just pulled from your 10/12 post

BH and I are having problems not related to the A. I've been thinking of breaking it off with BH and seeing if xOM is still available

Please don't Bull $hit us, and don't fool yourself.

The beginning of October was horrible for me and BH. We were fighting a lot due to financial reasons. This economy is really taken a toll on our relationship. Things have worked out now, and instantly things are much better between us.