SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Things have worked out now, and instantly things are much better between us.

Really? You're lying to yourself if you think things are better. All that's different is that you got a hit of your drug and you're riding the high.

You continue to justify your wrong actions. It's ridiculous that people here have given of their time to help you and you basically sit there saying "la la la la! I'm not listening."

I'm outta this thread.

[This message edited by Fallen at 11:56 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]

Hey skurd----you jumped into shark infested waters. Your october posts speak about wanting desperately to restart your A.---You can make any excuse you want, but that is what they say. Now here today everyone here is trying to pull you out of the water, and you throw down excuse after excuse to justify what you are doing. IMHO you are mentally back in an A, the only thing missing is the AP.

Things have worked out now, and instantly things are much better between us.

Things are "instantly" better after you considered leaving your BH a month ago for the OM and now you're checking his MySpace page.

You don't see the connection? Really?

I have to agree with many others here skurd. You are getting critical feedback, but seem to want to gloss over it and attempt to blameshift and bypass the core issues you are facing.

Trouble is - we've all been in that position. If one were to write an article on foggy thinking, this thread would serve as a great illustration of it.

Thanks for the comments, but

Remember that the word "but" negates whatever words are expressed before it. So you are repeatedly saying thanks for the feedback, but I think I'll take a pass on seriously considering it.

I felt like I deserved to just see if we had any more mutual friends, rather than surprisingly running into him again.

So rather than maintain NC on the possibility it might be broken, you reached out and guaranteed it would be broken. Can you see how this logic fails to work out?

I don't wanna accidentally run into him.

So you deliberately ran into him via MySpace.

He says I dwell too much about things in the past, and yes, I agree with him.

Yet you are doing nothing to fix the problem.

knows he can't change anything from the past.

Apparently including you or the weaknesses you have that lead to potential A's. You have to be willing to do the hard work on yourself to fix those flaws and change from the person you allowed yourself to become. You give every indication you are not willing to do that.

The beginning of October was horrible for me and BH. We were fighting a lot due to financial reasons. This economy is really taken a toll on our relationship. Things have worked out now, and instantly things are much better between us.

Here's a little piece of information that those who do the hard work in R eventually learn. Live has huge ups and downs. If times of financial difficulty, relationship issues and other challenges are enough to send a WS out to look for their OP or another A to fill the gap, the WS has proven they are still in a state of emotional immaturity. I received this very feedback from an MC and I got really upset by it when it was given. In hindsight, it was one of the most accurate descriptions that could have been given to me. Reality happens. You need to learn the skills necessary to deal with it or you are doomed to failure in the long term.

We have an expression we use repeatedly in our household (not new and paraphased from prior quotes). "Those who do not learn from their past mistakes are doomed to repeat them". Until you allow yourself to break from your fog and see the work you have to do on yourself clearly, nothing will change for the better in the long term.

It's pretty clear this is feedback you neither desire nor are willing to take into account. So like Fallen, I need to step out of this thread before I cross the line beyond accountability and become too disrespectful.

Skurd...what were you hoping for when you began this thread?

I'm going to have to discontinue posting in this thread as well. I wish you the best of luck Skurd.

I've been thinking of breaking it off with BH and seeing if xOM is still available

Things have worked out now, and instantly things are much better between us.

Is this for real?

If you hadn't been here as long as you have, I'd swear you were trolling for reactions.

Your poor BH doesn't know what's about to hit him. Again.

I'm outta here too.

One thing that bothers me is comparing a bff to the AP.??? You CANNOT compare a friend to the AP. Your trying to validate that peeking at your bff and the AP Facebook as being the samething.

I'm not here to judge you, but I think you need to wake up and smell the coffee, and see what your doing is far from being okay.

Read all the post's from people, and think about it. Its your choice, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. If your not happy in your M, get out. Don't put your BS through hell again..

If you (general term) cannot post without snarky/snide comments, then stay off this thread.

Seriously.

Skurd; a hard core alcoholic hit rock bottom a long time ago...this person struggled to become better...and proudly, eventually did.

Some time later he/she decides one day to have a sip of white wine that is in your cabinet (not the triple burbons he/she once pounded down rather just a little sip of harmless wine)...would you hand that person a glass?

"I'm going to have to discontinue posting in this thread as well. I wish you the best of luck Skurd"

Ditto... Good Luck.

Skurd, I don't know your story, but it sounds like the OM dumped you (like your BFF did) and that has you all kinds of ticked off.

You compared him to a drug dealer getting a new client addicted and then just dropping them. I'm sorry, but that reeks of victimization! Honey, you willing went into the affair. Whether this lawyer guy was charming, flirty, everything you ever dreamed of, and wore you down day after day with propositions...hey, you still gave in and WILLING let him use you.

That hurts, doesn't it? It hurts to think that he used you. It hurts that he lied about loving you/wanting you. It hurts that he bailed on you.

Don't let that jerk continue to mess up your life. Don't give him the power to continue to hurt you! Block his Myspace--deal with the "mutual friends" if and when they pop up.

Take all that energy you're wasting playing Internet Detective and go out with friends (or your H) instead. Let go of the past, let go of your bitterness, and learn to be content with the life you are making RIGHT NOW.

Good luck to you, hun.

Wow..Skurd,

You have been hit with so many 2x4's in this thread I probably could build a shed in my back yard with them.

The main thing is you should take a look out of this fog you are in and really look at what people are saying to you.

People are not validated by how many friends they have, they are validated by the content of their character and how that character affects others. Most of all you should be happy with yourself and consider yourself valid.

You don't feel very good about yourself..that is obvious. We can give you advice until we are 100 years old, but until you change your perspective about yourself..it will be of no use.

Justifications and clarifications for doing something wrong is moot. it is like a drunk saying he would not have purchased alcohol if the liquor store wasn't open.

This was not a good thing to do. We as WS's know that. Hopefully you will come to realize that too. Deep down..I know you do.

Good luck.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 12:18 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

Skurd,

My ex bff screwed me over by just deciding to not be my friend anymore without any reason. I will always hate her for that. She could've come to me and talked to me. I have analyzed every possible outlet and cannot think of any reason she would not want to continue our friendship. This happened 5 years ago and thinking about how she just left me there in the cold without any explanation still makes my blood boil.

Is it possible that you have unresolved abandonment issue (FOO - family of origin) from childhood?? and that could be a major part of your root cause.

Please look into that seriously.

Normally, you would go through the SWIRL process to let go, but you seems like you are stuck in the withdrawal, internalizing and rage stage (feeling toward the abandoner).

Your goal should be indifferent toward the xOM/xfbb. That is more powerful.

I would recommend you the book "journey from abandonment to healing" by Susan Anderson.

[This message edited by beach at 12:35 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

Skurd----NC means just that in all ways, shapes, and forms----Looking at a website of your XOM is breaking NC----You must stay NC---Out of sight Out of mind-----This whole thing may be very hard to deal with especially if you have moments of weakness, but you must remember one thing, you never had any hardcore reality with XOM, it was all goody goody fantasy with him. Reality is living life everyday with its problems, and dealing with those problems with your chosen mate your H. You have put the 2 of you thru one hell, do you want to do it all over again. You need to delete XOM website, and get him out of your mind, and stop making excuses for what you are doing. If you can't do this then save the both of you a lot of future grief, and just tell your H. he is 2nd best, and you want to get a D., and move on to pursue whoever you wish.

Goodness Gracious! I've been polite on every thread and thanked everyone for their comments. I am reading every single one of them. And I've learned how nothing gets by you all. You're right. My comments from October really do set me up for what I did. I'm back in NC, just for the record. I've already been through a lot. I wish people would be a little respectful. We've all been there, we all know how tough it is. I really don't know what I was thinking when I posted this message. I subconsciously probably did need to hear all this, however.

Skurd---no one here is being nasty or disrespectful to you----they see a situation where lives may be torn apart again, and they are trying to help. If you could go outside your body and brain and look at this the way everyone here is looking at it, the comments and your answers, you will see that everyone's comment to help you is being met by an excuse by you, those excuses are excuses in which you are justifying your commencement of contact. Believe me looking at your XOM's website is a commencement of new contact. They are trying to get you to see what you are doing. Don't shut off the pipeline that has saved thousands before you. Listen and learn.

Skurd...

I think people are frustrated that you keep justifying your action/s. Although, I must admit, I think showing you more patience would have been more helpful then just giving up on helping you.

"I wish people would be a little respectful."

This is just tough love Skurd. That so many people responded to you = so many here care.

You clearly hear the consensus...the time is now to do the right thing for you and your M.

Don't fool yourself...be strong...beat back your demons...and move on with the life that you choose.

'Nuf said now...get going.

showing you more patience would have been more helpful then just giving up on helping you

I agree with this, DS and I for one, apologize if it seems I've given up on you, Skurd. Yes, we've all been there and we all know how hard it is, which is why we're so passionate about what we're saying.

I subconsciously probably did need to hear all this, however

You did. That's why you posted the thread. All I ask, and I think others would agree, is that you PLEASE take the time to get REALLY HONEST with yourself about yourself. I gave you this same advice when you posted about hoping to run into xOM and wanting him to want you. Remember that? The advice still applies. Are you in IC? I really think it's time to dig deep and find out what motivates you to do what you do. It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do because you're going to have to face your demons head on before you can conquer them. However, in the end, you will be thankful you did - everyone stands to benefit from your transformation.

As always, I wish you well...