I belong here.... I found out 28 years after my H started his As... But, right from the start, on some level, I always knew things were not right... I had the 'gut' feelings, the signs were there, the flags were everywhere, people would even make 'innuendo' remarks to me... But, I refused to see, and I refused to hear that my husband would cheat on me... HE WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON ME.
My first D-day came in 1978, around 8 years after his A's started and 2 years after he says he stopped???... But, at that time (1978), he denied, denied, denied and there it sat for 28 years. I ended up thinking I was the crazy one and I lived in denial. We were two people living in the same house, but separate. I built walls to keep him out and he built walls to keep his secrets... but, he lived those 28 years thinking I didn't know anything for sure; so, therefore I let it go and he was in the clear... and he was happy and continued to live with no regrets as though his As was just that... HIS, they belonged only to him. He lived by his rules where he never had to answer for anything... in his world there was no guilt.
Then Jan, 2007, I brought it up again… 28 years later. Only then, did I start to learn the rest of the story... OMG, I was in shock at the things I learned he was capable of doing. I was horrified at the extent he went to in order to be with OW (I knew her) I found out there were over 8 OW... one long term and several ONS. I knew three of the OW. I started learning that I never knew the man I married… I lived with a stranger for close to 40 years.
This overwhelming feeling would wash over me, and I would think "who is this man?... What happened to my world I had been living in all these years?"
It has been horrible, gut wrenching, painful, agonizing and hating him every other minute. I became so obsessed in researching the timeline, the who's, when, where, why, etc. And the doubting and second guessing is still painful, daily triggers and thoughts still happening.
I wished I had dealt with the hurt and agony at that time. Trying to piece together 30 years of history and now, I'm always wondering what else has been a lie. What else have I missed. I'm constantly asking myself... 'So, this is how it is... My husband supposedly one day, or one year, he just woke up and realized that I was the one he wanted to be with?'
Even though I had him take a polygraph (he passed) I still have a hard time believing everything he says.
It's been over 3 years now and I am still at times find myself on that roller coaster. I have finally accepted what my marriage was... We are together. I'm learning about this man that calls himself my husband. He is trying and sometimes, I'm happy and then sometimes I'm just sad. Stuff still goes through my head and I sometimes wonder if I'm just 'settling' for what is left in my life... or, is he settling for what left? I guess what I'm saying is I do have good days, but I still have bad days, too.
So for actually close to 38 years, I lived an illusion. My world was not my world at all.. And, that is the hardest part to deal with even though the As were so long ago. It feels like I lost the most precious and pure thing I have ever had, my love for my husband. My husband died.
I think finding out years later is so, so much worse... because it feels like my H kept his A's alive for an additional 28 years and that was his choice. His As still belonged to only him... his choice to keep me in the dark... And that was the way he wanted it... his rules. The extra 28 years just adds lies to the lies... makes your whole life a lie.
This has changed me profoundly... no other way to put it. I will never have the kind of love I had for my H that I had before his A's... there will never be that precious and pure love again... I think the pain will always be there. I love him, but it's different which sometimes I don't understand myself... I just want to make the most of what is left of my life!!
[This message edited by Bobbie at 2:25 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]