SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, D-Day of my wife's affair was 4 days ago, and I am totally overwhelmed with the situation and also the question - what should I do now? I have been married for 14 years, have 2 wonderful children (10 & 13). Our marriage over the last 5-6 years has not been the greatest. We both admit our biggest mistake was not focusing on each other and solidifying the marital foundation we need to deal with the stresses of life and the challenges they present. We did what we thought was best when raising our kids, in that we tried to do it on my income alone and she stayed at home with the kids. Extremely tough to do these days, but I still think it was the best decision for the kids. I admit that I was not the best communicator earlier in our marriage, and did not express my appreciation for her staying at home and raising the kids. I was not mean or malicious by any stretch, I just didn't make her feel appreciated enough. However, I have made changes to make myself a better communicator and showing her more appreciation, complimenting her, etc on a regular basis. From the communication perspective, when we were in disagreements, I tended to just let her do most of the talking, and I would just kinda sit back and listen (I guess I am a very analytical person), adding my tidbits to the discussion when I had something to contribute. I am not one to talk for the sake of talking, and arguing is not a real strength of my personality.

Anyways, the walls between us started to grow over the last 6 years. Early on in that point she said she needed more from the relationship, basically she was waiting for me to give her more. I'm a fairly intelligent guy, but I guess I was fairly dumb on this matter. Looking back, I feel so stupid that I didn't pull the brakes on the train and totally refocus on fixing the relationship and fulfilling her needs earlier on in this timeframe.

Anyways, I had an intuition that something has been going on the last little while. She had been on a big health kick, exercising a ton, doing the nails and toes with French manicures, "trimming" certain body hair, and about 2 weeks ago got a minor lip-job. My suspicion of an A was very high.

I checked internet and cell usage and didn't really find anything out of the ordinary. There was one number called a little more fequently, but I knew who that number belonged to and didn't think much of it. They were casual friends of ours, and the wives were actually pretty good friends. However, upon making the discovery of the A, that marriage broke up over the last 6 months or so. I was not aware of that.

I checked her phone the night of the discovery and there was a strange number on it. She did a pretty good job disguising it, but I was able to get the actual phone number. I then phoned the number and when it went to voicemail, I had my confirmation. I hung up the phone in sheer disbelief when I heard the name. I then accessed my wife's voicemail and there was a message from earlier in the night. The message was from the OM, and was a simple "I love you, good night". I don't wish the pain I felt at that moment against the worst person in the world. I woke her up right after to let her know I have discovered her affair. She knew she was caught, and her initial reaction was to say she was leaving. She stormed out of the house and started to walk away. It was about 2:00 AM at this point, so I wasn't about to let something dreadful happen to her outside so I got in the car and went and picked her up.

She expressed her sorrow and humiliation for the A. However, she seems to rationlize the affair, saying she has her reasons for how she got to the point of having an A.

So I guess I got what I deserved for not dealing with the situation sooner? What should be my next step? She is all over the place saying she wants to leave me and then backing off that stance. I don't want my family to be destroyed. I admit my own faults in the marriage, I really do, but my morality would never lead me to an A. I am having trouble figuring out what I should do.

((hugs))

I'm sorry you're here, but welcome. Check out the Healing Library for some great info.

From reading your post, I just have one piece of advice. Stop blaming yourself! The first thing you need to understand is that although you are 50% responsible for your marriage, you are 0% responsible for HER affair. She chose to go elsewhere. It was a choice. She chose.

As you start this journey, tell yourself this over and over. You are responsible for half of the problems in your marriage, and you will accept your sh** and make better what you can, but don't let her make you feel responsible for cheating. She is an adult and made a choice.

I hope you find hope and healing. This forum has certainly helped me a lot.

msk99… You are in shock. It is all so overwhelming. I'm sure you are in great fear. You are about to go through some hell but you are going to be ok in a couple years. It happens slowly. This is going to be one of the biggest battles you will face in life. This is a battle with your own mind and brain. So treat yourself kindly. You will make mistakes. It is ok. I can see you already are starting to blame yourself… EVERY marriage has issues but not every person commits infidelity in that situation. As for her having a reason… It always boils down to her selfishness and greed. She is in denial.. she has betrayed God, you and her own family. She lost the understanding of what marriage is all about. It’s about commitment under both good and bad.

It will be up to you both first to decide if you want to Separate or try an Reconcile. If she is uncertain, my advice is just to go ahead and Separate. My advice today… I would go find a good friend that you can trust and vent. Maybe find someone that has been through a divorce is good. Don’t share this with anyone on your side of the family. You should also go visit a counselor. Go get some books about infidelity.. read them.

If you decide to R.. know that you can. It takes great strenght. I have a better Marriage today.

My prayers are with you.

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:40 PM, August 11th (Wednesday)]

Overwhelmed, Sorry you're here but glad you found us. NO ONE deserves a spouse's A no matter what the circumstances. The WS could leave the marriage and then play around. That's the honorable if you want to call it that, way to do things. WS's are either too foggy or too self-centered to see it that way. Hopefully you and she can work things out, but only if she is willing to commit 100% to you and your marriage. Keep reading and posting, and be prepared for the rollercoaster ride of your life. I wish you peace.

Sorry pal, none of this is your fault. You didn't push her into his arms, she did that all by herself, without you or the children. She needs to go no contact immediately, a letter to that effect approved by you needs to be sent to him immediately. Expose the affaire, tell his wife or girlfriend, they need to know. No unprotected sex with her until she takes both a STD and pregnancy test, it happens friend. Talk to your lawyer, you need to know your rights as you still don't know how this will turn out. Get her and yourself into counselling, she needs to find out why she allowed herself permission to sabotage her family. She needs to be completely transparent, access to all cell phone, email, facebook passwords. She needs to be truthful and tell you eveything, no secrets. Any secret they keep from you is a form of protection for OM, she still chooses him. Sorry for your pain friend, no one deserves this kind of betrayl but most of us have gone through it too. Decide what it is you need from her to stay in the relationship, you are strongest at the time of confrontation don't be shy.

Thanks to you all so very much for your thoughts. I have scheduled a counselling session for tonight.

We had been at a funeral this past weekend for my grandmother (I found out about the affair the night before leaving - talk about adversity), so we have been out of town until late last night. I talked to her about an hour ago, and pointblank asked if she talked to the OM. She hesitated for about 5 seconds (seemed like 10 minutes), and then admitted she talked to him on the phone this morning. After writing this, I wonder if she hesitated because they maybe met face to face. She said it was a "quick call", and when she told him the A was discovered, he said "Holy Sh!t".

The one disturbing or troubling thing is she seems somewhat hesitant to cut it off right now. I told her that the A has to be cut off immediately and all contact with him has to be cut off. She didn't respond with anything along the line that she will do it. She said she understands it cannot go on, but my sense or perception is that she will not cut it off immediately. She went on to start saying it wasn't his fault for the A, basically trying to defend him. Typical? She also avoided using the words affair or relationship, instead she called it a friendship. This is a confirmed physical affair, not my definition of friendship!!!

Then she went on the typical rant on how it was me who led her to this place by not being connected with her. She said it is going to be up to the counsellor to salvage this relationship and break down the walls. I really appreciate this resource and thoughts from the people who have been put through hell by a cheating spouse.

Also, what are your thoughts on exposing the A to friends and family? From what I have been able to read so far, some say to absolutely do it, while others say it does more harm than good.

She said this would get "real ugly" if I was to disclose this info to others. She says this is something that should stay between the two of us.

She says this is something that should stay between the two of us.

Excuse me but isnt she the one who brought a third party into this ? The hell with that. Expose if you feel you need to. Nothing kills an a like exposure. dont let her threaten you. She hasd already walked away from the marriage the minute she slept with this asshole. You owe her nothing. She should be begging you for forgiveness. Not making demands. Do what you need to do my man. Sorry you find yourself here.

(((((msk99)))))

Accountability is NUMBER ONE for the WS... Secrecy and lies breed opportunity and right now all you can do is require Accountability for HER actions...

YOU ARE WORTH THIS AND SO ARE YOUR CHILDREN!!!!

READ, READ, READ the healing library and HUFI PUFI's post in the Wayword Forum on what bs's are going through... helped me AND my WH soooo much those first few days!

So sorry you are here.

First and foremost take care of yourself. Know that this is not a good time to make any permanent decisions that will affect the rest of your life. The next few months may be the most painful and toughest of your life, but it does get better. You will emerge out of this emotional shock to think clearly again and know the path that's best for you.

You did nothing wrong. All of us have issues in our M, but not all of us cheat. Many of us stick it out and do not look outside the M for comfort, approval, sex, whatever.

Go to the healing library and read, read, read. There is so much helpful information.

Your WW will have to do an No Contact letter that you see. Do not accept any excuse. The A is either over, or it's not. If she refuses, do the 180 which you can read about in the Healing Library. If you decide for you that she must leave, do it for you. It is about your needs now, not hers.

Good luck - keep posting and take good care of yourself. There are many here who have been this road and can help you.

msk99... Do not tell your side of the family, for now. My IC said that it can cause problems if you decide to R. They will only get in the way. Find a friend to listen... Come here. At some point in time, everyone will likely know anyway but stuff is so raw for you now. So you know, I cried everyday for 90 days. I felt like less of a man.. today, I am a better man.. It takes a long time and you will need to fight hard for any happiness. Try and take a position of the glass is half full.

You need to call OM wife and let her know. Your W will be very angry about it but if OM is married, he is abusing his W by making her believe a false reality. I did this and today, my W and I are doing very well. It is very hard to leave a lover. I know you are in shock right now, but someday, either with or without your wife, you will accept this.

I would also go to the doctor.. maybe look at getting a sleeping aid.. maybe discuss an anti-depressant. You should discuss with your IC tonight. Start a journal to write your feelings. Doing a good job at our work is at risk right now. The distractions will be hard to deal with. Depression is coming.

It sounds like you are leaning toward saving your family and reconciling. It’s up to your W to decide too. Let me be very clear from all that I know, if she is foggy, follow those 180 rules.. For me, I go straight to lawyer and file a S if she says, "I don't know...". I'm sure you are a great father, husband and man. If your W makes the decision to take a different path in life.. well, that is out of your control. You will be ok.. That’s my thoughts. Peace Brother..

Good luck tonight at IC..

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:35 PM, August 11th (Wednesday)]

Where do I find those 180 rules, I took a look through the articles and such, but couldn't find any article by that name....

Friend she is blame shifting, it's right out of the cheaters hand book. Call her on it, it was her decision to give herself to him. It was her decision to make you the third wheel in your own marriage. Expose them to his wife, she deserves to know. Expose to anyone that has influence over her and is a friend to the marriage. Talk to a lawyer, you need to be prepared for the worst. She needs to be tested for STD's, I promise you that they always lie about using protection, you may be at risk and the same goes for his wife. Get her passwords, if she refuses than she is protecting him and they are a lot more emotionally involved. You have to be strong, she needs to know that you are prepared to loose her if she continues contact.

So here's the list: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:44 PM, August 11th (Wednesday)]

Dear MSK99,

I am sorry you are here, we all know your pain very well.

"She has her reasons for how she got to the point of having an A."

Please do not believe this. As you said in your post, you would never have an A. So there is some other reason why she decided to cheat. It has to do with her own heart and mind, regardless of anything else in your relationship.

The first step is to ensure that the A is over. She needs to go no contact with OM, immediately and in a way that you are able to supervise. It likely will be a difficult step for her, my FWH broke no contact for 46 days before he finally completely went NC.

Likely you will have emotions all over the place, which is entirely normal. Just try to take care of yourself and your children, and hang on through this painful journey. It does get better, one way or the other. Good luck.

to be honest.. the 180's were nearly impossible for me to follow... I pray for you to have the stenght..

What a list! Wish I would have seen it sooner, as I have done some of the things I guess I should not have done - according to the list.

msk99,

Be very clear on one point. You have equal responsibility in what was wrong with your marriage before the affair, but you have NO RESPONSIBILITY for her choosing to have an affair. It is common for the wondering spouse to say that it is your fault for driving them away and ignoring them. My wife said this. It is not true. Your wife is the only person responsible for bringing a third person into your marriage and hurting you in this way. You in no way deserved this betrayal or caused it.

I am so sorry that you find yourself here. Don't make any rash decisions, but I do encourage you to contact the OM's wife (ex?) to trade information as she may be your best source of information right now. Good luck.

As far as exposing the OM to his family, does it make a difference that the OM and his wife are now separated? Should I tell her anyways?

My WS said that is what kinda brought her and the OM together, the fact that they are both in a low point in their married lives. Sickening thing is that I basically opened the door for the A, as I suggested the 2 of them should drive out together to where I already was, as our child and a child of the OM were on the same team in a tournament. I had to go a day earlier, so instead of my WS driving out by herself, I helped arrange the car pooling. So it was a 5 hour drive by themselves to "kick things off". I feel like throwing up. Of course I didn't know that the OM was separated from his wife at that point.

Sorry you are here msk99. About doing things on the list you shouldn't have done, don't beat yourself up. I think I did about everything that I shouldn't have done, including letting my FWW continue the A for 10 weeks after DDay and promising not to tell OM's BW (she eventually found out on her own, which led to the end of the A).

Stay strong.