SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One other thing. Pay close attention to the advice not to give up your sources. I did not hear this advice and it cost me nearly a year of playing catch up to each new way they chose to contact each other.

By this I mean that in the future if she continues contact call her on it immediately, but do not reveal for any reason how you know or she will simply find a new method. Set strong boundaries as quickly as you can about what you will accept and what you won't. I was scared and tried to win her back and reason with her and it cost me months more pain.

msk99.. I found this site 5 months after my dday. That first year for me was brutal... I came close to death. When you get to a point that you just cannot handle it anymore.. come here and make a post... So many wonderful folks will come to your aid. Try and avoid too much drinking too. And get you some running shoes... You can run this pain away... it is the same as taking an Antidepressant..

Do you notice many of us have things say things in common? We know.

You will likely go through these phases.. YOu will know when you hit rock bottom.

As for the OM already S and exposing his W... Discuss this with IC.

I would say yes.. The guy is a cheater too... others here may help with that Q.

Tell his wife, it may help her in her divorce and she may have information that may be benificial to you such as other affair information, or that it was his affair with your wife that caused the break up. In other words, it may have been going on longer than you were led to believe. Live the 180, memorize it.

I will see what happens at counselling tonight, but am fearing that she has made up her mind that she wants out. I can't believe the woman I married would want the hard work and effort put into our young family thrown away for good. She mentioned that she thinks the kids will be fine with separation/divorce. I find that repulsive, willing to risk the kids values, beliefs, feelings to "chance". Really unsettling to say the least. But I guess you cannot make someone stay with you. I can't believe how much this sucks!!!!

Don't beat yourself up over " putting them together". What if you had given her a car? Are you responsible if she choses to drink and then has an accident which kills several people? NO She would be the one who chose to drink and then chose to get behind the wheel and drive. SAME SITUATION

She said it is going to be up to the counsellor to salvage this relationship and break down the walls.

It's not. The counsellor is not in the relationship.

But we hope your session helps you move forward, in which ever direction you choose.

Talk to your lawyer, sometimes they have a change of opinion when they see real paper.

The OM's wife must be told about this affair - even if she and OM are separated.

Don't put too much stock into what she says one way or the other. In many ways her world as she knew it has crumbled too. She is trying to hold her world together just like you. Unfortunately, her current world rips yours apart. Still she may lie to you, threaten to leave you, insist you sweep it under the rug. These are attempts to keep the status quo. Unless she acts on it try to ignore what she says.

I think the quote in the 180 is believe 50% of what you see and none of what you are told.

[This message edited by Zerbe at 8:37 PM, August 11th (Wednesday)]

I don't think she has thought of anything beyond her own selfish outrage

Instead of forcing you to listen to her, to try to save the mge---she spread her legs----she has murdered the mge., and wrecked the lives of any children you have

To start out with cut off the intimacy----next she doesn't get to make demands---she cheated she has to work her way back into the family

You have read here enuff by now to know what she needs to do--

As to the future---you can really do nothing about her---she has to make the decision about her future, and what she will do

What you will do is point out to her, that you will not live one more day in a situation that involves a 3rd party in your mge., so if she doesn't want to of her own free will cut the contact with the other guy---then at this point she doesn't wanna be married any longer

You should dry up her resources, place all finances, in an acct. only you can access, cut off her CC's----take away her access to computer, and maybe even take away her cellphone---she has a landline if she has emergencies, or wants to call family or GF's---SHE DOES NOT CALL ANY MEN, period.

Take charge and lay down the law---she needs to know life with other guy was disneyland----does she wanna come back to reality or not

If there is a R., then the 2 of you can work on the mge.--Which obviously needs work---Take plenty of time in deciding what to do----

Do your prep. for the future, and see where everything goes---but do not cater to her, allow her any attempt to sweep this under the rug, nor does she get to demand anything----this game is played by your rules, and your rules only

Stand tall, and stay tuff

Hi msk99, so sorry this nightmare has become your reality.

Please hear and believe that things will not stay this way, you won't keep feeling the way you are right now. I know that seems unlikely from where you are at the moment. You will be told over and over that it gets better, and it does, not the same as before granted, everything will be different - but which ever path your relationship takes, it will be better than how you are feeling right now.

So, you wife is resorting to blame and justification for her disastrous choices, as you've been told already, despite what she says drove her to it, her affair is not your fault, not in any way, shape or form.

As for her AP having no share of the blame, well, he choose to have a relationship with a married woman, shame on him. Her comment just shows where her head is at at the moment, that and her comment that the kids would be ok with divorce, unfortunately her focus is more on him and her, rather than you, your family and your marriage.

It's not unusual at all for a WS to "hide" behind words, calling their affair a "friendship" is so disrespectful,I would call her on it every time if I was you. Don't let her hide, stick to reality and call like it is, especially seeing as she seems unwilling to commit to stopping contact with the AP.

Use the 180 to make yourself stronger, that's it's purpose, if it helps your WS to come out of the fantasy land she's in right now, great, if not, it will help you focus on what you need going forward. A hard version would be to talk about kids and finances only, let her feel a little of what life would be like without your support, hopefully she'll wake up very quickly and you won't need to go this far.

As for telling others, yes the AP's wife definitely, but if reconciliation is your goal, limit it to those who will be supportive of your marriage for now, once it's out there you can't control how far it goes.

Your wife is not the woman you knew right now, I hope she comes back, but you and the kids will be ok, regardless.

Take care, thinking of you.

Hi all. Had our first counselling session last night and basically laid out our situation to the counsellor. Same old story we've been bantering back and forth with each other for a while. She had a void in her life (due to me not fulfilling her emotionally and through communication)and is unable to forgive me for all the resentment she has inside her right now. She has acknowledged that I have tried to make positive changes in the relationship, but said that there is just a lot of water under the bridge already. She said she knows if she could somehow find a way to forgive, that things could probably be pretty good. Unable to forgive me is what is holding her back. Seems to me like that wall she has built up is made of concrete, not sticks. Again she was blaming me for putting her in a place where the A started. She said the A was not about the sex, it was about having a "friend" who has gone through the same situation and was a support figure for her. I told her that the A needs to stop immediately. She said that she would stop it if I stepped up and filled the void in her life. Believe me, I want to make this marriage work, and am truly committed to doing whatever I can to fill the void. At the end of the day, if this marriage doesn't work out I KNOW I will be a better, more complete man moving forward. I do want to have happiness within a marriage (whether it is my current marriage or in a future relationship), yet at this point I am so, so scared of the prospects of being alone.

Friend, it is better to be alone than in a marriage with infidelity. I too live in Western Canada, some of the most beautiful and faithfl women in the world live here, you won't be lonely long. If you are going to work on your marriage do it for the right reasons, not because you don't want to be alone. Quit accepting the blame for her fu*king some other guy, you had nothing to do with it, she didn't think about you or the kids while she was doing it. She would still be doing it if you adn't caught her. he said she will stop if you change, what kind of screwed up statement is that? She should stop because she is married and a mother, she should never have started. This is about you friend, don't be in relationship because of fear, stand up for yourself nd tellher how you feel about what she has done to your family, speak up for your kids.

I guess at this point, based on my sense of my WS, is that it is far more likely she is just going to walk as opposed to working on a R. Maybe it is a reality I am just trying to avoid or unwilling to accept at this point. Part of me just says how can I ever trust her again after this betrayal, and do I want to live the rest of my life suspicious and untrusting of the person I should be the closest to in the entire world? Trust is something that is just sooooo important to me.

So I just finished a talk with WS, and she informed me that she talked to OM (who is pissed at her after getting caught - likely doesn't bode good for a long term relationship??) and told her that they cannot be in contact anymore. She says things are 50/50 right now as far as R or the big D. She is going to be sleeping at her sister's house for the next little while as we try to stop the brutal cycle we are in.

Dear msk99,

What did the counselor say about her A?? Certainly a third person in the marriage is the biggest problem the two of you have. It sounds like your WW is blameshifting, and trying to distract from her misdeeds.

It is a good thing of OM is angry and has said he is done. Hopefully he means it, and your WW gets a chance to come back to reality. That stupid fantasy draws them in so intensely, I was amazed at how it transformed my husband.

Good luck to you, and I hope you can at least get yourself feeling a little better while she stays away.

So I just finished a talk with WS, and she informed me that she talked to OM (who is pissed at her after getting caught - likely doesn't bode good for a long term relationship??) and told her that they cannot be in contact anymore. She says things are 50/50 right now as far as R or the big D. She is going to be sleeping at her sister's house for the next little while as we try to stop the brutal cycle we are in.

Believe only half of what you see and none of what they say. This is textbook WS behavior. It may be true, but im betting its not. I'm betting shes trying to lull you into a false sense of security so she can continue the affair while still holding you as the back up.

Proceed with contacting AP wife, separated or not.

Hope for sunshine, but plan for rain. Speak to a lawyer and make sure you look after yourself.

If she's out of the house, go for the full court 180.

First, stop beating on yourself. Whether you did or did not communicate well is not an excuse for her to have an affair. Sometimes I think the horror of the situation is just not plain enough when we use a nice little polite word like "affair". She schemed, lied, planned, organized and snuck around both behind your back and, when necessary, to your face. All so that she could be alone in a bed in the arms of another man having sex and intimate talk. THAT CANNOT be justified by "you didn't talk to me enough". If she needed more talk, tell you. Get in your face and insist. And if you are too tired or too busy or just unwilling, then make friends with someone and just talk -- just talk. But when it goes beyond talking to touching and cuddling and sex, that is NOT an appropriate response to "you don't talk to me enough."

Yes, I am a bit rabid on this topic but you must come to understand that while you might have amends to make in the marriage, you are NOT responsible for the affair. It is HERS. And she needs to own it and stop blaming you for her own weakness and horrible choices.

I know you want to save the marriage. I hope for your sake and for the kids you can.

But it cannot be truly "saved" until she stops blaming you for the A, recognizes it for what it really is, acknowledges the devastation it has caused, and then starts working very hard on fixing that damage. And she isn't going to do that so long as you continue to accept blame for it.

Ask her this -- if she had for years been refusing to have sex with you as often as you felt a need - would that justify you having an A? If she is truthful her answer would be a firm NO. And so how is her action any different than the hypothetical? Perhaps she needs to think about that before she continues blaiming you. She has to get out of that mode before there can be any progress towards R. Good luck

First let me say how sorry I am to have met you under these circumstances... we are all a member of a club that no one wants to be in. This website has helped me heal and is such a soft place to fall. Stay on here!

I also believe that your WS is only telling you half truths.. dont buy it... check and verify everything that you can. Protect yourself and know that no one deserves this hell. My motto is trust your gut!

Best of luck to you..