SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I did not JUST find out, but it hurts as if I did. I thought I'd re-post my story in hopes that others can help with my issues - and I can empathize with others....

My W and I have been married for 11 years – together for 6 years prior to that. We have been through a lot together: financial issues, a child with special needs and the death of her mother last year.

In April, we spent a week at the beach for her sister’s wedding. Throughout the week I started to see a different side of her. It almost seemed like she did not want me around. She wanted to send me to get the kids to bed so she could party with other friends – would not dance with me at the reception – you know, little things. I expressed to her how much this hurt me, and she did say that she did not realize she was doing it and it was never her intention to hurt me.

When we returned from the beach, the odd behavior started. Her cell phone was on her hip like a holster. She’d sleep with it and hide it when she would take a shower. She would often slam her laptop shut whenever I walked by. Her email and Facebook passwords were changed. Before I started to dig deep, I approached her and told her that I was scared that something was going on - that I knew things between us weren’t great – and that I wanted to change that. I questioned her about the odd behavior and she said it was because I was being over-bearing and she didn’t feel like she had any privacy. I didn’t think I was, but took her word for it. In a sense, I actually felt guilty for accusing her of something. She said I was crazy.

I made a strong effort to spend more time together – having a date night and spending time alone away from the kids. Sexual relations between us is very rare – she never seems to be interested. But when it does happen, it is pretty good. Unfortunately, the odd behavior did not end. So I felt it was time to dig deep. I am pretty savvy with computers and was able to install a program on her computer to monitor her use.

I found out that she had a private email account she was using for a profile she set up on an adult chat website. Oddly enough, I did not freak out right away. The profile was not an accurate account of who she was and where she lived, so I chalked it up to her having fantasy chat with random men across the country. What I did find that disturbed me, were private chat sessions she was having with the best friend – and also Best Man – of my BIL. She was the Maid of Honor at the wedding I spoke about above. Convenient, huh? The chat I found was somewhat innocent, talking about random stuff. I still gave her the benefit of the doubt – and figured I’d do some more investigating.

D-day started like any other day. I worked, we ate dinner and decided we would have physical relations – which was great! Less than an hour after that, I was working in my office and felt compelled to log onto her Facebook account. She was in the midst of a chat session with the best friend of my BIL. I was sickened by what I saw: a heated sexual conversation about how they wish they could be together. Not only that, she brought ME into the mix – stating that they didn’t want to get caught – not because it was wrong – but because “my husband is a girl and is overly-dramatic.” Two floors upstairs, less than an hour after having sex with her husband, and here she was saying all of the these things to this POS!! I flipped. I called her downstairs, told her I knew what was going on, that I was sick about the whole thing. And, yes, I was a bit dramatic – but who wouldn’t be?

At first, she was defensive because she knew she was caught and I invaded her privacy. She said it was purely fantasy and nothing did – and nothing would - ever happen physically. I told her I didn’t believe her and she has two options – end it and let’s fix our situation, or let me walk away. She said it meant nothing and she would end it. By the way, did I mention this was Father’s Day weekend?? Happy Father’s Day! I even started to chat with him THAT NIGHT and told him to stop being a HW and stop talking to my wife. He told me to man up. That didn't help my anger - so in retrospect, I should not have reached out to him. But my emotions took over and I was fuming!

The next day, we talked more. I told her that if she really wants a chance at working things out, she should take him off of Facebook, send him a message that it is over and, for God’s sake, tell this guy I am a good husband, hard worker and good father – not the girl she made me out to believe. But don’t do it because I am holding a gun to your head – do it because YOU feel it is the right thing to do. Don’t do it to appease me. I told her that I did not believe her that it would not have turned into a PA, because the guy is local and the chat logs tell a different story – that if they could have, they would have. She insisted it was still fantasy. She said she did find him attractive, but she was not in love with him and that he just made her feel attractive. I asked her if she texted him via cell phone. She said sometimes. I asked her how she kept it from me. She said it was under one of her girlfriend’s names. She showed me her phone and said I could check all of her contacts to ensure he was gone from her phone. Stupid me.

The next night (Father’s Day) her phone received a text late at night. She refused to let me see who it was and erased the message before either of us could see it. She said it was a friend from work. I knew who it was. To confirm, I got online and checked our bill – and sure enough – it was the POS Best Man. All she did was changed his name in the contacts from one friend to another. And the amount of texts between the two of them in this 2 month period was almost 900 texts!! Some full days worth – from the time I left for work to the time I got home. Texting and chatting was even going on with me in her presense!

The next morning, I told her I was leaving. I am not going to stay around and get hurt anymore. I took off my wedding ring and started packing my suitcase. She said she did not want me to go. That she was writing a letter that morning to send to the OG . Which she did. It was a actually really well-written. Stating she knows she was wrong, wanted to fix her marriage and that it was over between them. It almost kept me from leaving – until I went back on her computer and found that she had written him a second letter stating that I forced her to write the letter – that I am forcing her to delete him from Facebook – that I was forcing her to tell him I am not a girl. She told him to ignore it and cool off on the texting for awhile because I am checking it. That was enough for me. She was called every name in the book. I was sickened. Like I was living someone else’s life. I could not believe that after all of these years, it was like I didn’t even know who she was anymore.

That night, I left. Driving around aimlessly, not knowing what to do or where to go. Thinking that my life was over. My family is my life. All I would have left is my job. But what good is that if I have no one to share it with? She begged me to come home, so I did. When I got home, it was the first time throughout the weekend that I saw true emotions from her. Not this zombie that acted like she did nothing wrong. I told her I am really contemplating a divorce. She said she didn’t want that. I wasn’t, and am still not sure, if she wants to stay together for the kid’s sake and our financial sake – or if it’s because she still loves me. I still get the feeling I was in love with her more than she was with me. That I was attracted to her more than she was with me. To this date, I still don’t know.

It has been roughly a month and a half since D-Day. We are currently in the early stages of couple therapy and we are trying to work it out. It seems like a breakthrough for her because she doesn’t believe in therapy – but it was her idea. I still suffer every day. I am still in a very overly-obsessive state of mind. Wanting to know every detail. I find myself wanting to harm the POS OG – and I am not a violent person. I know these things are not good for the healing process, but it is how I feel.

I find myself extremely jealous, wanting the all day texts to be with me - wanting the online fun to be with me - trying to fill that void in her life. But it hasn't happened yet, which is making it hard for me to heal. She wanted it with him and not with me? WTF?

Based on her conversations with the OG, I know they did not meet … yet. I am not sure if this would have stayed an EA or would have turned into a PA. Either way, it hurts like hell. I still love her deeply. She is a good mother and I know it has been a rough year. I really hope and pray that we will come through this stronger, but it is going to be a long, hard process. My heart goes out to anyone in this position and hope I can find some support here from those in similar situations.

Hi and welcome LostDad

Sorry for the reason you're here, but glad you found us.

From reading your story I can tell you that you really well in dealing with her. I know that doesn't really mean much, but you took action and that action helped to wake her up. Good job

One other thing. The emotions you describe are very normal. Again, I know it's small comfort, but what you're feeling is "normal"

Finally I want to give you an assurance, two actually. First, you are not to blame for her cheating. Nothing you did or didn't do caused her to do this. Second, you are going to survive this. It's going to take time, but you will get through the healing process

Hang in there. It will be OK

wifehad5:

Thank you so much for your response. I read your story and it sounds like I am in the early stages of what you've been through. I am happy to hear things are going well and the possibility of a repaired marriage after an affair is possible.

I know the death of her mother really changed her. She is also an ACOA, so hopefully we'll explore that. We did start MC, but unfortunately neither of us are comfortable with her, so we're back to looking for a new one. My biggest issues are the constant obsession about wanting to know every detail about the affair - even though I know it will hurt me. I think about harming this creep that infiltrated my world. LOL. Sounds a little dramatic, but its hard to hide those feelings.

She has admitted that she doesn't understand why it hurt me so much and does not think it is as severe as I think - or even that is was an "A" - because there was no nor never would be physical contact. We'll never know.

Anyway, best wishes to you and your marriage.

Thanks for the kind words

It seems that the death of a parent is a common theme in infidelity for some reason.

We tried a couple MCs. The first one was usless. With the second one we did some shopping and found a great one. It was well worth the time and money

If she's willing, it would probably be helpful for her to read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It is a very good book.

Sorry for your pain

I too caught my boyfriend cheating as your wife did.

I didn't see any of their chats, but I caught some txt on his cell.

He gave me only partial info, but that was enough for me. He also claimed there was nothing physical going on and he ended it before I found out. Which was true cause he showed me the emails the day I caught him.

But I left him anyway. I don't live with him and have kids with him, so I had a little more freedom to leave.

He was really sorry, but said he will take this time to heal himself.

Not sure we will get back together, but for me, leaving was the only way I could say "You cannot shit on me like this. I deserve respect"

There are going to be a lot of emotions the next few months. Keep posting

What your wife doesn't understand is that she gave her heart to another man, and put him in a place that only belonged to you, based on sacred vows

She gave secrets to him that belonged to no one but the two of you

She has no idea of the pain, cuz she has not had to endure it----To many a EA is much more damaging than a PA

Do the best you can, but you do need to lay in some boundaries, and you should work on getting rid of your wife's attitude that you are a girl, your wife needs to view you in a different light, and until that happens, there will be little or no respect for you

Be vary wary that this EA, is not continuing deep underground----An EA such as she allegedly just came out of, just does not end, cold turkey----there are way too many raw emotions, that are just not ended, "just like that".

One other thing the OM in the EA, does he have a wife---if so contact her and let her know that her H. is cheating on her

Good luck and stand tall

jnj express:

Thanks for your thoughts. The OM does not have a wife. In fact, he has two illiegitimate children, does not have as good a job as me and still lives with his mother. I told my wife if that is what she desires, go get it. She said absolutley not. It was meaningless. The part about quitting cold turkey - she says she did. Whether I believe her or not is another story. I'm now pretty good at spying (not that I ever wanted to be), so I am 95% sure there has been no communication.

I wish I could make her understand that the EA is more damaging than the PA.

trying2getby:

Thanks to you for reaching out and sending positive thoughts.

ditto to what jnj said

I can really empathize with your situation.

It's true you will never know if that EA would have become a PA ... but I don't think there are many people on this website that would bet against it.

I went back on her computer and found that she had written him a second letter stating that I forced her to write the letter

This is like a miniature false reconciliation.

This, and a few other things in your story, make me want to suggest that you visit an attorney for a consultation. I know you don't want a divorce ... but I think there is more than a small chance there is one in your future and it can't hurt to be well informed.

Your post really triggered me, as one of my wife's EAs started at a wedding, too...

EAs hurt -- that's all there is to it. It sounds to me like you handled the situation VERY well; please do not beat yourself up for feeling angry or even violent toward this POS "best" OM: as long as it's only a (very normal) part of grief and not acted upon, you are just going through this awful mess and should be proud of yourself. I'm a year out from my wife's EAs, and I still get the urge to smash those guys' faces in!

Keep looking for a great MC -- they are out there and will make ALL the difference to a couple that is doing the work to make things right! We were discouraged with our first MC, too, but we found an excellent therapist that is the perfect fit for us and our issues. Keep looking!

DEFINITELY read Not Just Friends -- both of you!

wifehad5: I had not heard that losing one's parent was a common theme: My wife lost her mother young (years before we met), so... Interesting.

Boundaries and respect: You DESERVE for your wife to acknowledge and internalize BOTH!

Best of luck, LostDad1974. ALL affairs suck; no one should ever have to deal with them, but you sound STRONG and POSITIVE. You will be OK.

Take care.

Your wife didn't just have an EA--she called you a "girl" with this asshole, and then he had the nerve to tell you to "man up." None of that was necessary at all--it speaks to your WW's ENORMOUS lack of respect for you and her own role as your wife and the mother of your child.

And don't kid yourself--a PA is, for most guys, much worse than an EA. And the reason for this is, in my opinion, an EA is just a PA that hasn't happened yet. You are very lucky that you caught your wife in the fairly early stages of this.

For your wife to claim that all of this was only fantasy is ridiculous--she was actively cheating and hiding things from you--even after she got caught. She threw her deception in your face when she asked you to check the cellphone, knowing she had changed the contact names, and also by writing an alleged NC letter to the POSOM and then IMMEDIATELY writing him the letter to say it was all bullshit.

These are very bad signs. 180 immediately and make moves to protect yourself. Your wife doesn't respect you, and is minimizing her extremely serious betrayal.

Save ALL of the evidence you have gathered and, if possible, do NOT reveal your sources or any program you have to monitor her internet usage. She deserves no privacy at this point.

Get to work and take good care of yourself physically. You will get through the worst of this. If it were me, your wife would have very little time left to begin to make this right. She isn't even close to being there. Don't enable her one bit, or you will regret it even more later, I promise.

There are many things worse than separation or divorce.

If she hides it from you and can't do it in front of you or let you read the replies, she is cheating. She had or is in an affair. A betrayal is a betrayal. She gave another man intimacy that belongs to you.

So sorry you you have to be here with us BS. I find some comfort when I am feeling hurt that there are others all around who are feeling exactly the same as me. I am so glad to have found SI. If you check the Healing Library up above you will see lots of great articles to help you through this. Especially the 180 rules - it sounds like you are already implementing some of them. Take care of yourself and your kids and keep coming back and checking in. Even though it's still extremely hurtful, she's only just in the beginning of an EA and you caught it early on. However it seems she is in a thick fog and doesn't intend to snap out of it. Read, read, and do more reading and good luck.

[This message edited by punkdagain at 4:42 PM, August 29th (Sunday)]

((LostDad)). I agree with FatherFirst.

What bothered me immensely about this post is that to your face she was very apologetic, etc., but then she went behind your back moments (okay, maybe not moments) and cut you down. Understand, Im coming from a situation of being lied to about the end of the affair for the last two years (the first year it was out in the open), so her comments to her then to OM raise huge red flags for me.

Your feelings of anger toward om is normal. Its part of the process. The steps we go through. I just have to beg you, not to follow through. Why? You have kids. She can use any form of phyisicality from you (toward om) as a reason to keep you from your kids. Court aren't always full of reason and fairness. Courts can be full of bullshit, too. So, if you feel the need to strike out physically, go hit a punching bag or put your hands in your pockets.

To me, from some of the guys I know, this pos om is using the affair for his own ego stroke. Look, he doesn't have a job, or a good job, he lives with mama...to me, he seems like an angry male without self-esteem. He's getting his fix from your wife. Look, I can fuck another man's wife. Look, she says he's a "girl", I can take him down. Its an false ego boost for him. For that reason alone, think of him like a piece of dog crap on the side walk. Disgusting and make sure to walk around it.

More than that, I do wish you well in your MC. Though I see many red flags, I do wish and hope she is truely wanting to be on the straight and narrow. Just keep your eyes open as you go through your healing process. And do look at your process as well as you do the process as a couple.

Thanks again to all those who have reached out to support. It's amazing how many of us are out there - especially husbands.

paulb:

I really want to believe her when she says it would not have turned physical. But I have to think - what if I hadn't caught her? What if she was more slick about covering her tracks? In all honesty, she was so clumsy that it's like sub-consciously she wanted to get caught. MY BIL knew EVERYTHING the entire time. (Kinda shitty he never told me – but that is his best friend – which is bullshit) As far as the attorney, I am really not ready to take it to that extreme. I’m a pretty analytical person and I’m trying to see the big picture. Remaining optimistic. Thanks again and for empathizing.

Rob027:

What is it about weddings?? LOL. Thanks for the words of confidence. As I said above, I can see the big picture. It still hurts but when you know someone for 17 years and realize they’re not the same – maybe crying for help – you have a better shot at reconciliation. Will update you on the MC. Best wishes to you.

FatherFirst:

I took your words to heart. I agree I need to be quick and not give up. Sometimes I wish she would initiate conversation, but it is always me. Guess I can’t wait around.

You are also right about the pretty harmful things she said and did that weekend. I felt like a punching bag and I couldn’t get up.

Day 1 :Discovery

Day 2: The Cell Phone

Day 3: The 2nd Letter

Be well.

Aliveagain:

I know. That intimacy should have been mine. I hope it can be again. Thanks.

Punkdagain:

SI was a great find for me, too. We have also started reading the book His Needs, Her Needs. I try to get her to read more stuff on the subject, but she doesn’t do it unless I hound her. How can I get her to want to do it on her own? Time will tell.

Sullymeishadomi:

I guess you can see why it’s affected me to this extent and for this long.

I know I would not do anything harsh. I certainly do not want a run-in with the law. Plus, what good would it do? But to be honest, if something real bad happened to him, I would not care.

You are right. This POS was stroking his ego. Here is how dumb he was – he was seeing a girl and told her the married bride’s maid from the wedding was into him. Must have told her more, so she dumped him. What a douche.

Thanks for your words of advice and empathy. Take care.

[This message edited by LostDad1974 at 7:16 PM, August 29th (Sunday)]

This is kind of similar to what I went through. The fantasy aspect is crap. If you read here in SI they all say it's fantasy, no matter how far they go. As I used to tell my FWW: *YOU* crossed the line, but *I* am the one who says how far :)

Her privacy should be over now. If you want to R you need access to all her accounts, including work account. I gave my FWW an ultimatum: if I find ou anything we are through. It's valid to this day. She knows that if I find a secrect e-mail account I won't even bother in reading the e-mails. I guess that was the 180 but at that time I did not know about it :)

Anyway, you should fight for your W and everything is fair game now. You should not let her get away with anything. As you have seen, she reverted everyhting she did when you said you would divorce her. Now she has to understand that she did something terrible wrong; she should not minimize, she should not blame you.

Good luck and welcome to the club nobody wanted to be part of.

UPDATE!

I need some support. Feeling real low today.

I approached my wife about how I am confused as to why I am the only one who initiates conversation. Whether its to discuss the A or do do a chapter in His Needs, Her Needs, etc. I told her I have a wish-list of things I wish she would do. Do the research about the A. Get support. Research being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I seem to be the only one who does these things.

We started to talk more about the EA. I started from Day One when she first felt something for this guy. I asked her if she had any resentment towards me about anything that I said or did over the past few years that led her to want to do start things with the OM. She recalled a time where I insulted her in front of my parents. In all honesty, I don't remember doing it - but I don't doubt it. However, this happened 2 years ago - and she let it fester this long rather than talking about the issue. She clams up and lets it bother her. I was glad that she was honest - yes, it hurt - but I made a commitment to change.

She also said that my anger issues are always a problem. Indeed, I do have major anxiety issues which I need to deal with - most likely with medication.

Finally, I told her that part of my wish-list is that she defines what she had as an A. She said she can't do that because she does not believe it was an A. I even tabbed a book called "Affairs" (just a few pages that would have taken her 10 minutes to read) But she never read it because the title of the book was called "Affairs" which she feels she didn't have.

I told her if she did half the research that I did, she would indeed accept the fact that it is an EA. Basically, like always, she said, "Fine! It was an A." ...just to shut me up.

I replayed the entire scenario for her (the time she spent chatting/texting him, the context of those conversations, and how she dragged me into it. Then tried to cover it up and continue to lie to me.)

She says it has been over, she doesn't miss it and she was getting bored with it anyway. I said the chat logs tell a different story. I told her that to me, technically it was not over for the fact that she sent him another letter after the NC letter. She still left the door wide open.

So, she left for work, very pissed off at me - saying that I am relentless when it comes to getting her to see things my way. Am I crazy or does it really take the WS a long time to accept what she did and label it as an A? She knows I'm hurting, understands why I am hurting, sayd she sorry - but just won't say, "I had an affair and cheated on my husband."

I said some pretty hurtful things - I told her to just go back to her old ways. I told her that she only ended it because I found out and she probably resents me for forcing her to end it. I'm just beside myself because I feel now that within that half an hour we broke down all that we had built over the past 2 months.

She also said she never felt that I respected her for who she is - a hard working mom, dealing with a child with special needs. I'm sure I don't feel (or felt) that way, but I'm sure some of my actions led her to believe otherwise. So, did she dis-respect me to retaliate?

Damn it! I wish I didn't start this convo today.

Have you seen an MC? From what you describe, you're almost talking in circles. You say something hurts you, she counters with something you did 2 years ago. You say she has an affair, she says it's not. Right now you're not getting anywhere.

A good MC can help you break this cycle and actually get somewhere

Consider her taking a polygraph a condition of staying M. The truth will come out pretty quick.

wifehad5:

Thanks for reaching out again.

We did start MC, but we're not comfortable with her. Too much lecturing like a college professor. I want to talk about the issues NOW!! So, we start with a new one next Friday. Fingers crossed.

If she does not see it as an affair or that it was wrong chances are (1) it is still happening or (2) it'll happen again.

And now the 1 million dollar questions: (1) what would she think if roles were reversed? (2) Is she ok if you do the same thing with other W?