SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yeah, just one thought: don't send. Writing this stuff is cathartic and is great as a journaling activity. But reaching out to OM is an equine of variant hue.

You already know he's an immature jerk who won't engage you in a mature way. Do you really want to give someone like that the satisfaction of knowing just how much power he has? No matter how many f-words you salt them with, letters like this are 100% impotent fury unless they specify conditions or consequences you are capable of enforcing.

You have no leverage here, as you can't do squat to this OM unless you wish to attempt R from a jail cell. Whatever leverage you have governs yourself and possibly your W, and that is where you must focus. In all your outward doings and words, OM should be an afterthought.

LostDad:

Just remember, revenge is a dish best served cold. You'll have plenty of time in the future, if you still feel it is necessary, to deal with this ridiculous excuse for a man.

Right now, however, you have to deal with your wife. This other asshole didn't make a vow with you--your wife did. The OM owes you nothing, unlike your wife.

Your wife caused these problems. The OM could have been any Tom, Dick or Harry. They are a dime a dozen. They are out there. Fuck 'em.

Your wife betrayed you and disrespected you enormously, and she didn't do this simply because you, as you say, tend to "catastrophize" small situations. Jesus, so you have a few faults? Big deal? Who doesn't? I'll bet your wife has a number of faults too, huh? That's a reason to work on the marriage, but never a reason for infidelity. Please don't fall into this trap--it's so boring and right out of the cheater's handbook.

Do not get involved in a pissing contest with the OM--not yet, anyway. Don't send him this--it won't have the desired effect.

If and when your wife is totally "on board" (which may take a very long time, I warn you), then you can decide to give this asshole a piece of your mind. Before then, involving him at all is counterproductive.

Pay attention to your wife, not this OM. She is your problem, LostDad. Seriously. OM could have been almost anybody--he just happened to be there. As one poster put it so eloquently in the past, the OM is not worth the "sweat under your balls."

Silencio is spot on.

Don't do it. Although everything you wrote in that letter is true, there is no benefit from sending it. Even if it feels good at the moment, it will come haunting back.

If he doesn't respond back, then you will never know if he received it, read it, or had the effect you wanted it to have on him.

If he does respond and proves to be confrontational, then it could escalate to the next level. I have often wanted to put OM in a pine box with my bare hands, but I know it wouldn't do me any good. There was even some jackass from an adult website my WW was on that she bantered with back an forth(I saw a picture of his penis on her cell phone--ugh), and when I texted him to leave her the f@#k alone(of course the POS didn't answer when I called), he sent an instigating text back about how lucky I was to be 1500 miles away.

I seriously almost bought a plane ticket to Baton Rouge at that moment. I know now that if I followed through I would have minimally wound up in jail.

Like Silencio stated, keep it for the journals; use it as therapy if it helps you. But you have taken the high moral road to this point, don't lower yourself. Stay strong, friend.

Silencio, FatherFirst, jb3199:

Thanks, guys. You really put it into perspective for me. I will not send it. I did feel good to write it and get it off my chest. I guess I just wanted to let this guy know I am not a pansy. I don't know why I give such a shit about what he thinks, but I want him to be truely jealous of my life and what I have - and he doesn't. Start with new MC in a few hours. Maybe I'll talk about that. Thanks again for the support, guys. I really appreciate your honesty.

We're happy with our new MC. Re-hashed a lot of old issues, but its a fresh start that will hopefully end better than the last one. The last one NEVER let me talk about the A. She addressed it and then dismissed it. Is that normal?

Feeling bummed this week. Noticed the impromptu hugs from WW have stopped. Seems like she just wants to forget things ever happened. To me, she should remind herself everyday that she put me through a lot of shit. And remind me everyday that she's remourseful. Not seeing that lately. Not sure why. Was it something I said in MC?

F me! Everytime I think we're making progress, something else goes wrong. This just sucks.

[This message edited by mousemom75 at 5:14 PM, September 14th (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by LostDad1974 at 5:28 PM, September 14th (Tuesday)]

The doctor prescribed me Lexapro today for my depression and anxiety. Anyone had any success with it?

Also, been struggling to get my W to understand what's going on in my head. I sent her Joseph's Letter from the Healing Library. It seemed to open her eyes to a few things. Has anyone else found this helpful in getting their WS to share details about the A?

Your story is very familiar to me.

She would have had a pa.

Take that doubt out of your mind right now.

I have been through an ea and pa. Both are just as painful. One involves sex the other doesnt. The rest is the same. Its not worth trying to decide if she would have had an pa or leave it at a ea.

The text she send to OM. Unbelievable but i have had some of that. I was never called a girl, but i was made out a terrible husband. Even abusive.

Lies. It hurts.

You need MC and she needs to work extremly hard at showing her remorse or you need to prepare yourself to walk.

Oh and the fact she lies to you about NC and then tells the OM you made her do it. Big red flag.

M wife cried in my arms a few days after i found out. We talked and cried for a few hours.

She wanted counseling etc etc. She was going to end it.

She suggested i would go to my parents for a few days to recover and we would begin in the new year.

An hour later she made plans with OM to celebrate christmas with him via email. "i just have to drop the husband of at the airport and then we can lay in bed together"

Trust me when i say you should not trust her for months until you have no doubt left in your gut. You will know when that time comes.

WW's can be extremely brutal and you wont believe how good a liars they are. It still blows my mind.

I cant even keep my ww's birthday gift a secret but she can have entire alternate lives without a sweat.

I am not saying this is what is going on with you. But it sure sounds familiar!

virtualv:

You are correct. It hurts like hell. I don't want to walk. Not yet. I have set boundaries and I think she knows what will happen if she crosses the line.

We're both reading "Not Just Friends" right now. We're on our second MC. We're communicating a little better. We've moved onto the approach of wriiten conversation because she is more inclined to be open and honest when I am not in her face, aggressively pursuing the answers.

Baby steps. But keeping my guard up.

Thanks for reaching out. Sorry you find yourself here. Be well.

Huge breakthrough! R is possible! (I was beginning to wonder for awhile)

She finally admits it was an A. She wrote me the whole account: how she was feeling, why she did what she did and what the conversations were like.

It hurt to hear some of the things, but she really came clean and I could tell she was being honest. There's a lot of pain and hurt that will be there for a long time, but this was a huge step and shows her committment to making the M work. Fingers crossed!!

My husband had an EA. We are about a month from D-day. Recovery is very possible once they admitt that it is an A. Our marriage has become wonderful. Something I could only have wished for. I hope this happens for you.

Our MC told us when we went in that some couple come out of this so much better than they went in.

((((LostDad))) It took my FWH a while to realize that his EA was actually an A!

It's a long rollercoaster ride because the only difference between an EA and PA is the fact that there was no physical contact. EA's can be harder to get over because it invovles "emotions" that should NOT have left the marriage.

FWH and I are nearly to our anti-versary and he has an up coming trip so I'm triggering all over the place. BUT we continue to talk and had a long talk last night. He states that he is soo ashamed of himself over what he did and he admits that he too is scared about this upcoming trip. He knows I'm going to be a basketcase so he worries about that....The message I got out of it was that he's going to be thinking of ME and that is a good thing

Man hugs <<<<LostDad>>>>.

Hi...does look hard. I'm dealing with a lot of the same shit as u know. My wife loves OM but he doesn't love her. She insists she still loves me and doesn't want to lose the family...I don't know what I want anymore we fight all the time she attacks me about problems in our marriage (which until 6 weeks ago I believed was solid) gets angry defensive and aggresive, and I'm in so much pain myself I just can't deal with it. Anyway going to grab a copy of not just friends and try to find a way forward. I feel your pain, I'm there too...

You will need to understand---that no matter what---your wife is going to continue to have thoughts of the other guy----

He is just ingrained on her consciousness, and he won't go away----hopefully with time--they will come less and less---but believe me---no matter what she says---he is still there with her

That is something you need to deal with, and probably it best be done in IC

Good luck

LostDad1974

Sorry to see you here.

So many similarities with my situation.

In time I am sure you will manage to come to terms with the situation in which you find yourself.

I am still a newbie on the site, so cannot really offer much advice, but I can say the help and support from others has been outstanding.

In my situation I had to come to a decision in order for me to heal. Hurts like hell to have made it, but it is what I needed to do.

All the best to you

Kindest regards