SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"The blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."

I'm sorry you have lost this here.

Me too.

-D

You can't lose it, D- you can only give it away.

If you are speaking the truth, you have nothing to fear.

Eranda, in principle that is true. And I would agree.

However, I've lost enough.

I want to know that I can discuss things related to my Post-D relationship, my ex, the fallout from infidelity. The challenges I face, and to get the incredible advice I always get from the members of SI.

In a place where I would be free from a microscope, and from being followed and watched.

Unfortunately, my ex discovered my ID here many years ago. For a while, she followed everything I wrote. Then, she seemed to not bother anymore.

Today however, that all changed. In a very big way, and not a pleasant one.

My SO knows of this site because I told her about it. When we were friends, she confided that she had been cheated on in a previous long-term relationship, and I told this was a great place to get support for that.

I can still respond to other members, and help out where I can. And I can share other things, and my photos.

I just cannot talk frankly and openly about any of the issues affecting either my ex or my SO here, again.

-D

[This message edited by Defiance at 3:57 PM, September 4th (Saturday)]

I'm sorry that you feel like your safe place has been taken from you. Tiptoeing very gently here...

This seems like the same pattern of one extreme to another drama as before. Am I understanding right that your ex *and* your SO are reading here now?

If so, I can understand why you'd choose to keep to yourself information pertaining to future plans/any legal action you decide to undertake in reference to your ex. But your SO is, at this point (at least as far as I can tell) barely an SO. At the beginning of the thread you were totally done. If you guys can't come to a legitimate agreement about you using this site and her agreeing not to read in your safe place, is this someone you want to be with?

She can't take this from you, Defiance, unless you choose to let her.

Did you see my question about whether I'm remembering right that you're the child of an alcoholic? Because I think it's very pertinent if you are.

Apologies if I'm misunderstanding what's going on.

(((D)))

I so wish I had some magical words of wisdom to share. I do know that you received some very good advice on this thread.

I wish you every happiness and have faith that one day it will come to you when you least expect it.

Huge hugs my friend.

Alimony - this topic is an oldie but a goodie for D. I did a quick google search and found this - on a NJ site; seems to me that D, you CLEARLY qualify:

The Lepis holding is the major case that the family courts use to analyze alimony reduction applications. These types of hearings are often called Lepis cases. The court in Lepis v. Lepis, 83 N.J. 139 (1980), listed the following as some of the changed circumstances that courts have recognized as grounds to reduce alimony;

f) Unemployment by the payor/husband.

To further help, here's a website with free legal aid in the state of New Jersey. Perhaps you could have a conversation with someone to find out how YOU can file for alimony changes due to obvious and documented life circumstances. I'm not sure you realize that you have the power to make these things happen. Don't wait another day. That is, unless the drama is more addicting than the resolution.

http://www.usattorneylegalservices.com/free-legal-aid-New-Jersey.html

[This message edited by mefirst at 4:20 PM, September 4th (Saturday)]

This seems like the same pattern of one extreme to another drama as before. Am I understanding right that your ex *and* your SO are reading here now?

It's not drama. It's knowing when to lay down the sword and surrender.

Yes, my mother was an alcoholic. I have been to Al-Anon, I've lived with that my whole life. I've been to counseling. I understand more about the effects of living with an alcoholic as much as anyone. I'm pretty aware of those effects.

However, my mom was the sensitive one. She was the one who stood beside and behind me until she breathed her last. Never wavering. Never faltering. Always there for me, even as her life faded away. She is the only one, ever, in my life, who never forsook me for convenience, for expedience, for something more. She was my staunchest ally. The woman who showed me what caring for and appreciating the creatures of this Earth are all about. Compassion and sensitivity were what she was made of.

She could not handle horrible things that happened to her in her life. She turned to the bottle. She was never able to climb out of it.

I cannot bear more turmoil, more intense fighting, more emotional wrangling. More threats (ex-wife), more battles, more wars to fight. I have to be smart enough to know when I should keep my mouth shut.

I have had tremendous wisdom and insight given to me in this thread and recent ones. Lessons that will not be lost on me, I assure you.

I can't discuss alimony and lawyers and actions I may take in this thread or on this site any longer. I am happy to talk in PMs if anyone cares to.

To do so publicly is like arming my enemy.

As for my SO.

The words I wrote here and those she read in this thread hurt her terribly. I did not want that.

What I wanted and needed, I got. Tremendous support, great insight, good advice. And I treasure that. It has helped me. A great deal.

But I can't talk openly here, and anonymously. I just can't do it anymore.

No matter how I may wish for it, the people who I am involved with, in one way or another, can read here and know who I am.

Even my kids know. (from my ex, I never told them of this).

They have read here, and clued my ex-wife into what I was talking about. Or, directed comments to me after reading here.

No, I am pulling the plug on public posting about my relationship, or my ex-wife. At least until I am in a place where it no longer matters.

Right now, it is like me throwing gasoline on a raging fire.

-Defiance

I'm really sorry it has to be this way, Defiance.

I can understand though. But you can't let anyone control you in this way.

I can understand your SO was hurt. But your intent was to say that you wished she would do something to prove her love to you.

I am certain she realizes this.

As for your ex wife, she can just move on with her life. In my opinion, she has nothing to do with what you write on a forum. She should be LONG GONE.

And that's about it.

It never ceases to amaze me how people will work to follow so closely what I say. How years later, they want to know everything I am thinking. To be ready to attack me and defeat me. Threaten me. Malign me.

Years later. I am still the enigma they cannot and will not forget.

My ex-wife will not stop doing this until I am dead and buried. I am convinced of it.

No matter how many boyfriends she has, no matter what she has in her life. I will be the one she deems necessary to punish, to go after, to crush.

My SO can't deal with my words here in an open forum. So, I will have those discussions directly with her, as I have indicated.

I am GLAD I posted this in many ways, however. If I had not, I would not have gotten some of the advice and insight, and wake-up calls that I desperately needed.

For that I am grateful.

But as usual, anything I post here that has real ramifications regarding my life, my relationships, or my former marriage has turned into a nightmare.

Another lesson not lost on me.

So, there will be no more.

I will find the things I need in counseling, in one on one friendships, and through private means, without the light of day, and the eyes of those who can use what I say to bring me harm.

-Defiance

This is no reason to give up hope from this experience - I got into a relationship with an SO shortly after my D, who at 30 lived at home with his mom--that alone is no reason to judge, but during the course of a year-long relationship, it became clear that there were far deeper issues.

We broke up in May, and I feel like that is when my healing was able to truly begin. I'm better off for it, and can't imagine what took me so long to end things with him. This is nothing against him, just what he wanted and what I wanted out of life were sorely incompatible, and I wasn't going to "wait around" any more.

As far as your SO or others having access to you on this site... I'm sorry for the situation that you are in; I would hope that at some point this would return to being a place that you feel safe to post...

[This message edited by thisistough at 6:45 PM, September 4th (Saturday)]

At this point, me posting here about either my ex, or my SO is fruitless and fraught with peril.

If I have any issues to raise about my SO, I need to do that directly.

As for my ex, less said, the better.

-D

No words of wisdom, Defiance, others say things far better than I ever could. Just huge, HUGE hugs for you.

((((((((((((((((((((((((Defiance)))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks, redvixen.

Big hugs back at you.

-D

Yes, my mother was an alcoholic. I have been to Al-Anon, I've lived with that my whole life. I've been to counseling. I understand more about the effects of living with an alcoholic as much as anyone. I'm pretty aware of those effects.

However, my mom was the sensitive one. She was the one who stood beside and behind me until she breathed her last. Never wavering. Never faltering. Always there for me, even as her life faded away. She is the only one, ever, in my life, who never forsook me for convenience, for expedience, for something more. She was my staunchest ally. The woman who showed me what caring for and appreciating the creatures of this Earth are all about. Compassion and sensitivity were what she was made of.

She could not handle horrible things that happened to her in her life. She turned to the bottle. She was never able to climb out of it.

I hope I didn't upset you, Defiance. And I wasn't for a second implying that your mother was anything other than an amazing person. Being an alcoholic doesn't in any way lessen a person's worth. But it *does* (if the children were children during the time they were an active alcoholic) pretty unquestionably leave their children with a difficult legacy.

I'm glad you've been to al-anon and counselling, but I see so many possible links between being an ACoA and some of the things that are happening now and have happened in your adult life. I really think it would be incredibly helpful to continue to explore (or go back to exploring) those links.

I know you know this, but common characteristics for adult children of alcoholics are:

Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures.

ifficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.

Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.

Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.

Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim.

An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties.

Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.

An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors.

A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of.

Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings.

Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical.

Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment.

Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.

Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others.

A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others.

Obviously not all of these will fit (no one could accuse you of being a chameleon). But the ones that do might be having a very real bearing on your life.

Full disclosure-- my mother is an adult child of an alcoholic and is a psychologist specializing in those issues.

I'll step out of this thread now, but big hugs ((((Defiance))). I hope things improve.

Brooke

edited for grammar

[This message edited by brooke4 at 5:59 AM, September 5th (Sunday)]