SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Those of you have followed my regular in-law rants... I won't bother to repeat. You all know that they and I do not get along (that's the short version), there's a much longer version.

Well, they want to come to town to 'see a museum exhibit' on Columbus Day Weekend (a holiday weekend). It irritates me that they can't even say that they want to see their son - they come on the pretense of a museum exhibit... whatever.

In the past, I have alwys made myself scarce - work, volunteer activities, etc. Still, I was always forced to spend *some* time with them - usually a meal in which I'm subjected to a list of their 'concerns' - concerns that Jekyll does too much house work/cooking (he does NONE), their concerns that if I wanted the full time job I was up for that I needed to start going to church (didn't go to church, still got the job - they know that I'm agnostic), their 'concerns' that we 'eat out too much,' (they would have no idea to know how much we eat out." "Gift" subscriptions "for no reason,' "on nutrition and healthy eating.' - I've been reading labels since I was 8, I can cook healthy with a blind fold, and if I'm eating crap, I know it - neither Jekyll nor I are overweight.

It's stressfull, they're insulting, and I spend the entire time that they're here completely stressed out - i.e. the snarky comments that I don't iron my sheets, or how it's 'not that hard to clean out a waffle iron' (one that doesn't come apart by the way).

So this visit, I think that I'm going to go and have a spa weekend - stay at a nice hotel, get some relaxing spa treatments and not have to deal with their shit.

Jekyll's response is that he 'doesn't want me chased out of the house' he would rather have me go and visit my brother. He says then it would be me 'going to visit my brother,' and not being 'chased out.' The thing is, my brother lives 4 hours away and I would be taking my car that needs three new tires and is not the most reliable (he can't give me his, as he can't drive mine - its' a stick shift). His other concern is the cost (a couple of hundred for the weekend).

So, am I being unreasonable? Just I just sit around and let them insult make, make their insinuations, clean my house top to bottom for them to make snide comments, and just 'deal with it?' I feel like I've done that for four years now, and I'm tired of being mistreated by them. If they want to see their son, see their son. But I don't wnat anything more to do with them unless I *have* to.

PS: We don't have children.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 10:11 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

Have you confronted them or even better has jekyll?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I don't think this is a long term solution either.

I have been in a similar situation, which was allowed to drag on for years until it led to a huge blow up between H and his parents and they haven't spoke for about 14years. Which is also isn't a solution.

[This message edited by neverendinghurt at 10:11 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

Yes, I've confronted them many times, as has jekyll.

Basically, they believe that I'm an unstable, paranoid, vindictive, drug-addled liar and their son can do no wrong. They know about the infidelity, but clearly I drove him to it or lied about it. They have never apologized for their treatment of me, only asserted that that they were sorry that I'm 'too sensitive.' It progressively gets worse every visit. Quite honestly, if I had nothing to do with them ever agian, I would be thrilled.

His mother makes up stories about me and calls me names, i.e. she claimed that I destroyed a family heirloom out of spite after DDay. NEVER did that (in fact, we didn't have this said heirloom, his brother did). Jekyll pointed out the error, and she just changed the topic to something else I supposedly did wrong (like violated their son's privacy). They have asserted that I need to work hard to re-earn their trust.

Well, I think I would check myself into a spa, enjoy a relaxing weekend, do you have a girlfrind you can go with?

it sounds as though you have put up with more than enough from them.

Maybe Jekyll needs to suggest to them that they would be much more comfortable if they stayed in a motel. He can visit them at their hotel room

Angel -

That wouldn't change the fact that I would be forced to come along on visits and that they would be coming over here for 'visits.'

And honestly, this is Jekyll's home as well, I feel like if he wants to host his parents here, that is fine - he's entitled to do that. However, I no longer feel the obligation to 'play hostess.'

If your husband didn't want you chased out of the house he'd tell his parents that they weren't welcome until they could treat you decently.

Confronting is all well in good, but someone isn't good with boundaries.

Because if y'all had good boundaries and followed up with them, this wouldn't be happening.

It doesn't matter what you do or don't do. Your ILs have access to their son, your husband. That's all that matters to them.

And honestly, this is Jekyll's home as well, I feel like if he wants to host his parents here, that is fine - he's entitled to do that.

Yes, it IS Jekyll's home.

But, aren't you his immediate family now?

he'd tell his parents that they weren't welcome until they could treat you decently.

You're right, he should, but he won't. He has terrible boundaries with his parents and always has. Actually, they've gotten a little better over the years - as hard as it is to believe...

I can't really enforce boundaries with his parents (other than what I'm doing) as they're not *my* parents. I've done the best I could, tried confronting, talking, etc. So now, I'm just not going to be present. Because I refuse (in addition to what ever else I am in that family) 'be the reason' that 'they can't see their son.'

i refuse to 're-earn' their trust when I did abso-fucking-lutely nothign wrong. I didn't lie, cheat, seek revenge, I certainly wasn't a drug addict (or abuser), I didn't abuse their son. Yet, you talk to them, and it's like I"m the one that cheated. I just refuse to be subjected to it anymore. Removing myself when they're here is the only way I know how. He has had ample opportunity to enforce boundaries with them and he hasn't, so I'm enforcing the only ones that I can.

ETA: I think that he wants me to make the 4 hour drive to my brother's so that he can tell them that I'm 'visiting family,' instead of 'she went to a hotel for the weekend and to get a massage because you treat her like shit.'

HOnestl, what I'm really wanting to know here is if I"m being unreasonable for not wanting to be around them EVER. I'm not withholding grand-children from them or anything - nor am I prohibiting from them from seeing their son. I am just taking myself out of the equation when they visit. Weddings and funerals (hopefully theirs), that's all I'm doing with these people.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 10:33 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would go to the spa.

Your husband doesn't need to disclose your location. He can practice "My spouse went away for the weekend. So, what do you think of (insert local sports team here)?" There a month, that if he practiced role playing every day for 5 minutes, it might help him.

As a t/j, I don't get this notion where grandparents are entitled to their grandkids, simply because they are grandparents.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 10:40 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

Jekyll's response is that he 'doesn't want me chased out of the house'

Well... he could like, grow a pair and stand up to his parents...

But since that's not an option. I'd go for the spa weekend. EVERY TIME they come visit.

Sorry, that first one should have read 'meals'. I don't want to spend five or six times that trip turning down meals, dealing with my poor boundaries husband "They just really want to see you! You're not giving them time to get to know you." and then the 'surprise' visits to the house while I'm there.

If I'm gone for the weekend, I'm gone. I don't have to get bombarded with that or the 'surprise' visits to the house by his parents (welcomed by him I'm sure). I feel like the least-stress version is the spa weekend.

I'm also a little miffed that they picked a three fucking day holiday weekend. Yay... that will be a relaxing return to work.

I vote for a spa weekend!!

I wish I had better advise. I have a SIL who is very judgemental If you do nto live the life that she does then you are stupid and she will lecture you. Mind you, her son dropped out of HS, her other son does not have a job, she drinks, and smokes pot with her kids. OH, and she is borderine OCD

But she lectures one of my brothers because he is a picky eater and eats almost no fruits or veggies. And she lecture my other brother because she thinks he drinks too much (he drinks about the same as me, her husband (my other brother) and BOTH of her kids!!)

She used to lecture me, until I called her a hypocrit. I did not see her face when I said that becaause I was in the front of the car and she was in the back. But she probably came close to hyperventilating.

Oh yeah, And after I broke up with X she tole me that he was a racist... we were a mixed race couple and while my X was many bad things, he is not a racist. That time I hung up on her.

Anyway, the point of my story is coming. My brother (not the one M to her) asked me this weekend if she lectured me about drinking, because she will not get off his case and is constantly making snide remarks. I said no. He wondered why. And I told him that she knows that I won't take shit from anyone anymore (since dday and the shit that X tried to shovel my way -- someone tried to do that to me I shovel it right back!). And I think that the couple of times that I shut her down she was so befuddled because her family really kneels to her Highness. I don;t.

So, you either need to take a spa vacation and avoid them completely, tell them (finally) to eat shit and die because you do not put up with crap anymore, or bow to their Highness.

As I said, I vote for the spa vacation!

But seriously, I am sorry you have to deal with their shit. It is not fair to you.

(((hugs)))

My IC recommended a book to me, and it has helped me DEAL with the insults (I think we have the same IL's, BTW). It's also given me some helpful strategies to use. Really practical advice that actually works without a lot of jargon and theory.

It's "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward.

I think that he wants me to make the 4 hour drive to my brother's so that he can tell them that I'm 'visiting family,' instead of 'she went to a hotel for the weekend and to get a massage because you treat her like shit.'

Fuck that! They are his parents and THEY are the ones who are out of line. You do not need to model your commitment to your own sanity to help him save face with his parents.

Maybe you should leave them a sympathy note "Sorry I was not hear to entertain you, but you treat me like a leper. So I though you would enjoy my hospitality much more if I were gone. Please have an enjoyable weekend with your son."

Assholes!!!

I've read your posts; I lived with my toxic in-laws (mostly MIL) for 11 years; I say RUN to the spa!!!

Totally. Spa. Weekend.

He can do whatever he wants to do with them. Your only job is to care for YOURself, emotionally, physically, spiritually, psychologically.

Bring your laptop, some delicious books, art supplies, or whatever makes you feel happy and free. And ENJOY yourself so that when you come back, all refreshed and revitalized, you can help Jekyll through any trauma he might have experienced through their selfish thoughtlessness.

Take care of you, for reals.

Spa weekend. If he's incapable of making the tiniest little peep in defense of you, he can decide for himself if he'd like to lie to them about your location.

To be honest, I do this all the time. My MIL is rather toxic, and while she isn't the same as yours, *my* bounderies tell me that I should not be around her for my well being.

I frequently have things come up when we have long expanses of time to spend together. Or tasks that need to be done that cannot wait until later.

That said, I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to leave for the whole weekend. I'd get pissed that I felt like I was running away from the situation - on a 3 day weekend! In MY house.

But at this point in your/his relationship with his inlaws, is it even possible to enforce some kind of boundary? It doesn't sound like it - even if it was something as simple as setting up times to do something together rather than the weekend of spontaneous visits.

Oh, and waffle irons can be a real bitch to clean.