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hurtbs. youre a lot nicer than I am. I told my h his mother isn't allowed in my home nor near my children. (Not just because her acceptance of a certain someone else but bc of how she behaved four years ago...it was horrendous).

Personally, I believe they should be told to come on some other weekend as you have family plans already. If not, head to the spa.

And I DOagree with another poster, your h needs to grow a pair.

Im one of those people who do not believe blood makes family. I don't believe the grandparents have to have access to the kids. But I see where you're trying your best to keep the peace. I have a friend who was horribly mistreated by her xil's (and via their then eight yr old granddaughter when they left messages on the girls phone that her mother was a slut and a whore), so I sort of understand how you feel.

If you cannot prevent them from coming, then I say go to the spa...and possibly arrange for the kids to be out of the house, too. If they're talking bad about you to your h, the kids will probably will hear it.

SPA...energize yourself for the upcoming work week,

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 6:41 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

I really, truly get where you're coming from. I think in the past you and I have briefly chatted about the in-law situation.

Hurtbs, I stopped going to my regular church because I cannot in good conscience take Communion next to my FIL. This nearly destroyed my entire faith. I still cannot go, but I'm not the possessor of that issue any longer. I've said my piece, done what I could, and let it go. I went "the third way." It's helped and, frankly, gained me the respect I deserve.

My advice is to be absent. It's Jekyll's issue: don't make it yours. He can lie, or not, about your whereabouts, but it's all on him. I like Jekyll -- I really do, somewhat for his own sake and definitely for yours. But I can't candy-coat the fact that his refusal to set firm boundaries with his family is JUST AS DIVISIVE as his affair. He is destroying his marriage and your trust in him just as surely as if he were involved with another woman, again.

He knows this, I think. I believe this is why he's coming up with alternatives like "Go to your brother's so I don't have to lie."

How about the truth? You know, just to be a little bit radical. How about "Mom, Dad, I'm always happy to see you but you're now causing a wedge in my marriage and I cannot condone it. You may stay in a hotel and I will make plans to see you while you're in town, but I will not allow you stay in my home. Your treatment of hurtbs is unfair, unjust, and wholly without consideration to MY ROLE IN THE MARRIAGE."

He'll have to say it more than once. You'll probably have more than one spa weekend, even with them in a hotel.

And that's okay. Because each time he stands up to them, it'll get easier for him. Each time he tells them the truth, his own insecurities will be alleviated. Each time you make him face the consequence of poor boundaries, he'll realize that they *are* poor boundaries.

I second the reading of Toxic In-Laws. It helped me determine what, exactly, my role in all this should be.

(((hurtbs))) Kinda jealous about the spa thing. Wish I could do that every Sunday.

[This message edited by Threnody at 6:56 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

Ditto Thren.

Jekyll may have confronted his parents but as long as his actions don't follow his words, they are meaningless. He needs to make clear that while they are his family of birth, you are his family of choice.

Pressing you to spend time with them when he knows that each time you do it's more damage to you is wrong. It's putting them above you. I know you're not 'church people', but IMO, Christian or not- when someone chooses a life partner, that person should be above all the other adult relationships in their lives.

My ILs have not been as overtly attacking, but I still refuse to spend time with them any longer. Nearly 18yrs was my limit. If you saw my recent thread in OT, then you know it's a struggle in our M too. MrH will lie rather than have to tell the ILs what sh!ts they are to me. In fact, the last big fight before this recent one was b/c I was trying to get him to understand why I don't accept their treatment any more. He got angry and told me to stand up for myself. I shouldn't HAVE to stand up for myself. If they don't treat me like family, or at least like a welcomed guest *he* should be stepping in on my behalf.

Outside of that, just take yourself wherever you want and let him lie or not lie. It comes down to how much he wants to man up to his parents.

ETA- based on our last two fights, MrH and I are far more likely to D from IL issues than fallout of the A.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 9:43 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

Weighing in again...

I haven't read your whole story, but I've been thinking about how destructive unhealthy boundaries with ILs can be, probably because of the extreme situation with FWH's family.

My ILs hate me- not just FWH's parents but two of his brothers and one SIL as well. Over the years, their behavior slowly escalated from subtle passive aggressive acts to outright cruel and emotionally abusive behavior toward me and our DS. All of it was because on a very superficial level, I am not THEIR version of what a wife should be. Because of FWH's poor boundaries with them, our M almost ended. Circumstances with the ILs had reached a crisis point at the time the A began (i.e., I finally made a declaration that I would no longer have ANY contact with them). I don't blame them for the A (well, yeah, a little bit), but FWH was so unable to deal with the situation that he made VERY unhealthy decisions as a way of avoiding confrontation with them and the anxiety he felt.

I hear all the time that IL problems aren't really that big of a deal because everyone has them. That may be true if it's just regular-run-of-the-mill problems. But certain situations are truly toxic and they poison the marriage well. I think yours is one of them. Mine certainly was.

In the last few months, FWH has worked hard in IC to deal with his FOO issues, and it has greatly improved our marriage. It's also helped to put a barrier up so that my ILs toxic behavior doesn't seep into our relationship.

I really hope you read the book I mentioned. It was a huge eye-opener for me.

Sorry you're going through this.

No, you are not unreasonable.

Can you both go visit your brother?

This way you show a united front, get away for a few days, and neither of you has to experience the stress?

I have been dealing with unreasonable ILs for 17 years. I won't give advice but I will say we talked about this in MC last night.

Your H should tell them to piss off or be polite, but I understand the boundary issues with parents. FWW is starting to work on those.

After 17 years I, personally, am done with polite and accommodating. I know it is going to come to drama in the religion department, but I am beyond caring.

In short I think you're being incredibly patient. I was there myself but ran out of gas. I hope you don't hit the wall of Fuck You MIL that I am at.

If your in laws aren't on your team, they aren't on the marriage's team. Which means they should not be welcome.

You're not being unreasonable at all. And when he says he doesn't want you being chased out of the house? What he really means is he doesn't want to have to pay for your nice weekend and he doesn't have the balls to explain your absence to his parents. He thinks a trip to your brother's is cheaper and a reason for you being away that his parents might more readily accept. Book them a room in town so they can visit him and the museum exhibit without living in your house for the weekend, or go away as planned.

Life is far too short to endure toxic people, especially in your home. IMHO, it is time to draw the line at your front door and do not let them past it. It is your house, your sanctuary and they should not be allowed to foul it. Screw them. Look at it this way. Could they possibly think any worse of you than they do now? Ban em from your home!

My MIL is quite passive aggressive. She is very manipulative in this way. It works for everyone except with me. She also hides behind church and all her activities and thinks that means she is better than me, so I completely understand. My husband and I have talked about this alot and have agreed that we will discuss this and come up with solution in MC. (He has other things to deal with first and I agree).

However, my thought on this is this. I, too, believe in the bible and christiantiy. No, I won't go into all that. However, the bible also says that the man wil leave his mother and father and become one flesh with his wife and they are a new family. Yes, he is to repsect them still, but only after you. That is biblical. It is also very clear on adultery and that it is a broken commandment. No where in there does it say that is a sin of the wife. There may be issues in a marriage that are between the HUSBAND AND THE WIFE, not the in laws, but no where does the bible lay blame to the wife for adultery. It also says not to judge others, lest you be judged, and it also tells christian women that they are to be gentle help for yournger wives. (Not nag and complain and criticize).

If you ever are in a situation that you HAVE to deal with her and it gets into something, this may be an argument to at the least shut her down. I would also discuss this with your husband. It is your home and your marriage. YOu need to have boundaries and there should be expectations set by your husband as to their respect and behaviour. If they choose to not abide by his decisions and boundaries, they are not welcome in the home. Period. At no time should a wife be expected to go and visit at a hotel with people who are rude, dismissive and disrespectful. I would not go. As a matter of fact, your husband should not go. If he would stand up for himself and for you a couple times, you would see a dramamtic change.

I feel for you. Mine is about to get a wake up call. It is a little harder for us to deal with, or at least figure out how, as his father died about a year ago and she is really good at manipulating you when she feels you putting the boundaries out there. She goes into her "I am all alone" speal. Funny how she only feels that way when we establish rules and boundaries as to her treatment of us and our children.

Good Luck

Next time she says shit about the waffle iron, take it and say "Show me how to clean it." Then do this same shit with EVERY SINGLE CRITICISM SHE HAS, . I guarantee that she will STOP if she is constantly "showing" you the right way to do things! Plus you get the added bonus of watching her and saying, "Can you show me again, I didn't quite get that one part." Rinse, lather, repeat.

Just sayin'....

As a matter of fact, your husband should not go. If he would stand up for himself and for you a couple times, you would see a dramamtic change.

Um, I wouldn't bet on that.

My FOO is dysfunctional, with untreated borderline personality disorder as the issue.

My FOO are nearing retirement age, and their behavior has suited them for 40+ years. We don't have a relationship at this point, because my FOO do not like my boundaries. (And for clarification, my boundary is not accepting verbal abuse.) This has been going on for three years now.

Heck, I've been married for a decade, and they STILL think that my primary role is to be their obedient daughter that they should be able to control and punish me as they see fit.

I'm just offering there is a good chance his parents won't change.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 10:05 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

Also, while not quite the same..

My husband is a recovering SA. And I was not a good wife.

By the end of my husband's first year of therapy, my husband's CSAT was coaching my husband on how to set boundaries with me..

I would think that boundary work (in any situation)would be part of your husband's recovery work.

Infact, it was dealing with my husband's SA issues that led me to begin working on my boundaries with my FOO.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 10:11 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

Just adding my two cents here. No, I don't think you're being unreasonable when it comes to your ILs. They're disrespecting you majorly by just walking all over you and assuming you won't mind.

If Jekyll won't stand up to them firmly then tell all of them (your H and your ILs), no bones about it, you will NOT stand for this treatment. That you will go out of your way to avoid them if necessary.

As for me, I was perfectly willing to go complete NC with one of my own sisters because she disrespected my H and implied she had the right to decide if I stayed with him after he went to prison.

Fortunately, one of my other sisters (I have four) who's cell she was using went dead else I would have fried it telling her what she could do.

I've talked to this sister ONCE in the last twenty plus years.

IF you have to go complete NC with them for your own sanity then do it and tell them in no certain terms why you're doing so.

No you are not unreasonable. I believe that a person has to make as much effort as possible Re ILs but when they go out of their ways to be obnoxious assholes....you don't owe them anything.

Some years ago, my MIL gave me some nasty attitude regarding Christmas dinner. I didn't say anything but did mention it to Noclue when he came home. He didn't say anything at the moment but took the phone, called his mom and told her that if she couldn't respect me, she wouldn't see me, him or the baby for a long time.

You wouldn't allow a stranger to come into your house and insult you- why do you allow family to?

Tell jeckyll they are not allowed till they treat you right.

So this visit, I think that I'm going to go and have a spa weekend - stay at a nice hotel, get some relaxing spa treatments and not have to deal with their shit.

Jekyll's response is that he 'doesn't want me chased out of the house' he would rather have me go and visit my brother.

Chased into a Spa for the weekend. Sign me up!!

Haven't read all the posts, but I'd rather get chased to a spa than my brother's any day of the week.

I have read your posts over the past couple of years. Sometimes it can't be worked out with the ILs so take care of yourself and have a good time.

[This message edited by ktm250mx at 7:00 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

Well, I think I would check myself into a spa, enjoy a relaxing weekend, do you have a girlfrind you can go with?

Me!!!!!!!

Actually Punky, Jekyll said I should ask you if you wanted to do spa stuff with me! I'll talk to you about it Sunday!

True Blood finale!!

hurt, I swear we share IL's! Mine are the exact same as yours...but, I digress.

Being in a very similar situation, I would totally do the spa weekend thing. You need to not be stressed by them. They are Jekyll's parents and he isn't standing up for you (believe me, I understand that b/c my h is the same way). Let him deal with the situation by explaining that you just need some girl time and that it just happened to fall on the same weekend they are going to be there for the visit. UGH! Sorry you have to deal with the same crap

I don't think you're being unreasonable. But you're also talkin' about a woman who has set boundaries for the ILs and stuck by them.

1. Step MIL - evil bitch from hell who is no doubt either NPD or plain sociopathic - we will never share words. I don't have anything to say to her. FWH is fine with this since he detests her too.

2. SIL is not allowed in my house nor I will share space with her. Apparently BIL likes his woman the same way FIL does...crazy and evil.

3. MIL is allowed to visit but she can't just drop in and we force her to pin down a time when she comes over. She is still a hard learner and tries the "I'm in town this weekend can I come over" line. Nope.

FWH is perfectly okay with enforcing these boundaries. It has taken us time to flesh out these boundaries but we've done it and we follow through with it. FWH was a real momma's boy so it was hard for to say no to her for a while. As a part of our R, I required that he follow the boundaries I believed we needed.

I don't feel bad at all about setting these boundaries and requiring that they be followed. The boundaries were set because all of the above people were without boundaries or respect.

Step-MIL blamed me for FWH affair.

SIL brought my name into some verbal fight she was having with MIL and only did it to imply things that were not true. She wanted to cut my relationship with MIL. That is just bitchy and cruel to MIL.

MIL has a good heart but she is inconsiderate in an ignorant sort of way. She doesn't mean to step all over you, she simply doesn't know better. We try to help her with the boundaries.