SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My ex got new boobs, teeth straightened and whitened, started wearing thongs and shaved her cooter shortly after starting up the PA....

She changed so much I didn't even recognize her...

WB

I don't think anyone is arguing that there is a threshold by which everyone would cheat. We're just saying that each person has a threshold

WhiteCarrera, I perfectly get what you're saying and I still disagree.

To me I equate what your saying with:

"Everyone would rob a bank an possibly shoot a teller for not moving fast enough given the right circumstances. You've just not been put in that right one yet."

What I'm saying is that before I knew about my WW antics, before I ever dated her, I had a very strong moral fiber that wouldn't let me sleep around even when my own brother was doing it.

Even after my WW's antics when I felt I had a license to do it, I couldn't make myself do it.

It was never easier than after I found it to justify it. Before I ignored women because I was so into WW that I didn't realize they were even around.

After her antics I felt so disengaged from her because I could see her attitude for what it was really was. Even then I couldn't do the wrong thing.

But I'm sorry, before this ever happened there was "never" a threshold for me. After I found out about what she was up to the threshold still wasn't there.

I can say with confidence there will never be a situation where I would willingly have a relationship (EA or PA) with another woman while married.

Now if both of you are saying that you know you have a threshold, I applaud you for seeing that. But please stop generalizing others because you see that within yourselves.

The only exception would say to my statement about me not cheating would be if someone drugged me and I wasn't in control.

But I doubt that would count as it wouldn't be a conscious decision made by me.

[This message edited by JustSoTired2 at 11:41 AM, September 21st (Tuesday)]

I'll let someone else make the next post. My sarcastic responses to the obvious tend to get people riled up sometimes.

My Wh had lapband surgery 1 year prior to the start of his A. He felt that I was not interested in him and she was......

Taking one day at a time!

I can only speak for me, but I find it funny you would say "everyone" has a point where they would cheat, they've just not reached. There are some where it's so offensive that it would never be considered. I view it like I would stabbing someone. It is something that I would never be able to bring myself to do.

I also have to say I am a BS, and have been tried and offered many times before and after finding out about my WH's PA. I have had MANY opportunities and it is beyond my moral fiber to even consider an A. I was a virgin when I met my husband, and it was years before we became physical. While reading "Not Just Friends" it occured to me that I was the one that had every "reason" to cheat. The thought of another man with his hands on me makes me sick.

I've lived in an emotionally abusive marriage for 8 years.

My WH had an A, and then went back to OW after the first DD.

WH's A has caused me thousands of dollars and customers in a new business that I had started up last year.

The 180 has created lots of interest in me from my husband and my coworkers including offers of revenge A's.

My response was anger that these people do not know me better.

His A only reinforces my belief in my own personal moral fiber.

I TRULY BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE AN A.

On another note the OW did have one of the weight loss surguries. I know 4 other woman that have had similar surguries and their marriages are still ok.

I am the BS, I have implants and had upper and lower eyes and a jawline lift. I had it all done in one go two and a half years after d-day. I did it for me and to raise my self esteem. It didn’t really work from the self esteem pov. I went from a 34A (I was really skinny after d-day and lost all breast tissue) to a 34D. I was this sort of size when pregnant and feeding, but the implants are heavier than the real deal. And they are under the muscle as the surgeon said I was so “slender” (115lb-ish at the time, 5’6” I’m now 125lb)

FWH says I look great. But the damage is on the inside. I guess I’d say overall I’d rather be as I am now than I was before surgery. Was it the right thing to do? I’m not sure. Just make sure your wife does her research and gets a surgeon with a track record and all the right affiliations. I went to my GP first and then the hospital. I also checked him out on the internet and checked his qualifications.

Oh, I had my teeth whitened two months after d-day.

I have not cheated on my husband. I have no intention of cheating either. I did it for me.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:34 PM, September 21st (Tuesday)]

I think that people become more interested in looking good when they are wanting to attract the opposite sex. This may come from a dissatisfaction of their life and marriage, even if it is not a wholly conscious realization. Surgery gives them the confidence to look for another relationship.

Even though everything tells us to end one relationship before beginning another, a very large number of relationships start, at least at a basic level, before one has ended. I know of many second marriages where supposedly the relationship began after the first one ended, but it never seems to fail that once you get to know the people better, you always here about some kind of connection that was already in existence. And often you eventually find out that an affair was involved.

In our culture of divorce and 2nd, 3rd and even 4th marriages, it does make sense that many people have that option in the backs of their minds.

Cosmetic surgery, may often be the route to finding someone new. So, it is not the surgery itself that causes the problem, but the feelings of dissatisfaction that are there prior to the surgery.

I think that people become more interested in looking good when they are wanting to attract the opposite sex. This may come from a dissatisfaction of their life and marriage, even if it is not a wholly conscious realization. Surgery gives them the confidence to look for another relationship.

Are you really sure about that? I mean that's when they do it?

Remember everyone is different and has different motivations, just a point, while I don't believe I'm an attractive male (sorry I know I just don't have the facial features to qualify and I'm honest about it) I work out daily at the gym.

Currently I'm 245lbs. While that might be heavy for the average male at 5'10. I have a 56" chest, 21" arms, and a 34" waist. I've not ever measured my thighs and calves.

I've been weight training for years, used to box, and I used to be heavy in doing martial arts. I used to have a max bench of 420lbs. Its about 385lbs now.

I don't workout or keep in shape for anyone but me now.

I used to do it back when I wanted to make sure I worked hard to keep my WW interested and make sure she was happy she chose me over other possible candidates.

But now....now I could careless if she notices because I do it for me and not to attract other women as possible later romantic hookups.

I had years of having that opportunity, various offers, and I still didn't take anyone up on it

[This message edited by JustSoTired2 at 2:04 PM, September 21st (Tuesday)]

Watchdog,

Here's one:

http://jama.ama-assn.org/cgi/reprint/277/20/1612.pdf

[This message edited by palerider at 2:08 PM, September 21st (Tuesday)]

My STBXWW had the lap band procedure. I did some research on some of the lap band sites and there were posts that said some doctors reported that up to 85% of the people who got the proceedure and lost weight ended up in divorce.

For somone who is unhappy with themselves and their relationship the new found attention is hard to resist. As I understand it, you have to go through counseling before you are able to have the surgury. My WW wife never let me know she was considering it. I discovered she was scheduled for it by accident when I found a notebook hidden in our home. She had been denied coverage because she did not meet the standards. She appealed and then bought weights to strap on her body to increase her weight to meet the standards. She was then approved.

While her physical appearence improved, her emotional problems got worse. I am glad to be rid of her. She engages in unprotected sex with other guys and they are welcome to her and her "gifts".

Interesting study:

Percentage of women with implants who had 14 or more sexual partners was 38.1% --compared to 9.5% for those without implants.

Percentage of women with implants who drank 7 or more alcoholic drinks per week was 31.3% -- compared to 15.2% for those without implants.

Percentage of women with implants who were separated, divorced or widowed was 28.8% -- compared to 18.1% for those without implants.

No direct reference to infidelity that I can find, but not too hard to put these pieces together.

I don't think they are connected. People have affairs because something is broken IN them, not ON them.

BTW, I've been considering implants for at least a year. I breastfed, and several years ago I had a lumpectomy that left one breast shaped differently than the other. Add the impact of drastic weight loss from the Infidelity Diet, and the scales have tipped in favor of surgery. My clothes don't fit as well now, and I'm tired of having to careful about which swimsuits I wear, which dresses, etc.

I can assure you that if I go forward with the surgery, it will NOT result in an A.

My WW got implants about a year before we got M. She reveled in the attention it immediatly got her. Her boob flashing quadrupled. I hated it. Soon after she got them she had her first affair (we were BF/GF then) as she no doubt in my mind couldn't wait to try out her new "lures". They worked all right. After that crap and we got M, she has continued to use her "lures" as a means to get as much attention as possible. If someone comes along with bigger ones, she shuns that person. The whole thing just sucks. Other than my WW I have known many that have gotten new boobs and/or lipo that have not been able to contain trying them out as far as "lures". Even the women that have remained loyal as far as I know are very much women and their huge tits, rather than just women. They are like two, or three, intities in one. I must say I live in one of the most heavily fake boob infested places in the world, it is the norm here.

Interestingly, most of my friend who have big natural boobs are pretty self-conscious about them and hate when people stare at them. (not all, but most).

end t/j

I agree with that about the large natural boobed ones. It's seems this phenominon occures much much more often with the fake ones. It's like the peacock (though male) with the biggest prettiest tail. It's most always the fake ones.

My Stepdaughter's first husband had the lapband for health reasons. They were both extremely over weight (300 plus). They had been unhappy together for years and his surgery changed his life - i.e.: eating habits, exercise, ability to physically do things, energy level, and so on. In short they found they had even less in common than ever. So - no affairs but still divorced. IMHO it was the best thing to happen in her life for the whole 20 years they were together.

I would argue that, for those who get implants or go through some other major physical change (weight loss, etc...), instances of infidelity definitely increase (all else being equal). I wonder if there are any studies on this?

Yes, there are, in fact, studies related to weight loss related to bariatric surgery. Divorce rates are quite high. But they are not necessarily correlated with infidelity on the part of the person upon which surgery occurred.

One thing I haven't seen mentioned is that the partner of someone who has undergone a dramatic change may also feel threatened---and become more vulnerable to cheating.

That occurs, too.

As for studies related to infidelity post-cosmetic surgery, I haven't seen any. But I haven't looked hard (now I will! It's a big part of what I do, anyway..)

There ARE studies related to emotional problems (usually depression and anxiety) related to body image changes associated with cosmetic surgery. I suppose these changes might make some people more vulnerable to infidelity.

My FWW had gastric bypass some years before we met. She's still a big girl, obese even, but not in danger of not making it to age 30 (she's 34 now), as she was before.

What her newfound confidence gave her was the impetus to finally leave an abusive relationship. She didn't cheat to end it, she just finally said ENOUGH after several years of that crap.

Her surgery was obviously for health reasons. Obviously, she was pleased to finally get to a healthier weight. Her then-bf made sure there was plenty of ICE CREAM around the house after her surgery - it's very hard to learn to eat properly after bypass, but liquids will stay down. Ice cream was always my W's achilles heel, food-wise, and he knew it. He was deliberately trying to get her back to gaining weight. He was a real shit (he also sexually assaulted her while she was still recuperating from surgery.

So in FWW's case, I would *not* equate her bariatric surgery with cheating.

The one woman I've known who had a breast augmentation was already D before her surgery (her H ran off with OW). She has since M, they've been M 15 years, no cheating.

And I still say that the main difference between those that cheat and those that don't is HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.

Temptation has certainly come my way over the years, but I never took them up on it.

I know 2 women who have had face lifts & 1 who had a nose job. FWIW, none of them have cheated in the years since then.

So I don't know.

Probably I need to know more people who've had boob jobs (other than the 1 I know) to take a better statistical sample! LOL

Skanks and scumbags are skanks and scumbags no matter what their bra size/waist size is.

Word.

And I think deciding whether someone is more prone to cheat because they got a boob job is the same as saying someone is more prone to cheat because of his/her occupation.

Too simplistic. There are too many extenuating factors.

And as far as anyone could cheat if the circumstances were right, nope.

Over the years, my weight has gone up and down with each baby (50 to 60 lbs). It usually took about a year to get all the baby weight off and start looking really good again. Once I got my figure back, and I felt more confident about myself, I still never had any desire to cheat. Ever.

I've been thru many bad relationships, and have had more offers than I can count. And right now, I am in a complicated situation with a guy that has no long-term chance at all, he does not even call us in a relationship, but I happen to know he is exclusive, and I would not cheat on him either.

Everyone is different. But for some people, there are certain values that they will hold onto even to the death. If some people are willing to die for what they believe in, why is it so hard to believe that some people would never be swayed no matter what the circumstance?

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:45 PM, September 21st (Tuesday)]

Well, as a BS, this is what I have done post-DDay because I wanted to feel better about myself, not to have an affair:

I got my front teeth capped in order to close the gap I had there (that was done while we we still separated);

I get occasional laser for my face because I have mild Rosacea and the laser helps with the redness and also with wrinkles;

I consulted with a Plastic Surgeon for a breast augmentation and/or implants when I lost all of the post-infidelity weight which left me in a nice shape but with breasts that resembled bananas (luckily I did not go through with the surgery because the "girls" are nice now that I regained some of the weight).

As an RN who has worked in the insurance industry and has had to pre-certify certain procedures, many of these procedures demand that psychological evaluations be done prior to the authorization of the cosmetic procedures, especially gastric bypass.

Of course, except in the cases of breast cancer with subsequent breast reconstruction (in which you get TWO spanking brand new perty ta-tas to match, due to a Federal law!), many Docs now will send a potential PS patient to a Psych for an eval.

And, even with a good eval, as many people can interview good and turn out "bad" later, a lot of these people will ultimitely go bonkers with their new-found selves and have affairs, whatever.

I really don't think that the majority will have affairs, but there are certain personalities that will go nuts with themselves due to having a higher opinion of themselves and will lavish in the attention they receive from others (I would say usually from men, but that's my opinion ).

Truthfully, I am much thinner, better looking and more psychologically healthy after DDay that I was prior.

Of course, I went through the usual BS insecurity of whether I was good enough and should I have a RA to get even (but did not), and even though I do look younger and much better than my H, I have no intention of having an A because I am now more attractive.

I really think it's in the character of the person and not to be attributed to the cosmetic changes alone.

JMHO.