Norseman.
I will admit to not reading thru every thing here. but you initial post struck me because it seem like your WW is really NOT *all in* on making you M work.
First. IMHO you need to decide what you want. From what I read you choice is
1. A relationship that is more akin to a business partnership.
2. A marriage that consists of love and respect for each other.
IMHO you WW is offering you ONLY number 1.
In this offering the chance of another A is large. This because the tenets of your previous M are still in place - and these tenets supported her cheating. If the under laying structure of the M is not addressed, the M will remain fundamentally unchanged. Any *changes* will be of a surface nature only. And so the cheating will likely happen again.
If that is what you want. Then all you questions are answered and you need not read further.
If OTOH you want number 2. You and your WW have to be *all in* to make it work. By *all in* I suppose I mean totally committed. But more so.
Some time back I wrote about minimum and maximum people. I wish I knew the link to that thread as it would make explaining easier. But. Basically what I mean is that if you really want some thing - to really and truly succeed at it. You must do MORE than what is actually asked.
For example. In your studies at school.
If you faithfully did your assignments by following the instructions of your professor and doing JUST what was asked. You would probably attain a passing grade. This is what I call doing the minimum to get by. This is what I refer to as a minimum person.
OTOH. If you had engaged with the subject intellectually. Been deeply interested in it. And had a deep and true desire to under stand it fully. You would not only follow the instructions of you professor. You would go beyond them. You would surpass them. You would seek out new information not covered in lecture or in the text. You would research on your own. The knowledge you gain would integrate with your person and become a part of you. This is doing the maximum. This sort of person is what I refer to as a maximum person.
IMHO. For R to truly succeed. For you to attain the second choice listed above. Your WW must become a maximum person. She must go beyond what you ask - and others have said (NC, transparency, etc) She must pursue more changes. Explore her own inner workings. Make fundamental changes to her self. Integrate these changes into her personality. Not only follow the NEW TENETS of her self and the M when you are looking. But when out of your sight also. AND continue to pursue them for the rest of her life.
From what you wrote. I really dont see you WW doing this at all.
Listen. Too often we BS hear that the M was the source of the A. ALL M have problems tho. ALL OF THEM. So. If problem M is the source of cheating. Then it would happen in ALL M. (which it doesnt)
Too often we are told that the problems are 50-50. We BS own 50% of the M problems and the WS owns 50%. BUT when we ask a WS what their 50% is. We are often told such things as *WS did not communicate how unhappy they were with they BS* This bothers me because it is again laying all fault for the PROBLEMS on the BS and the only fault of the WS is not communicating effectively about it.
IMHO in most M the WS is at fault much more than they want to admit.
In this I only want to say that you M is NOT the cause of you WW cheating. So let go of that.
Second. I want to say that UNLESS you WW is willing to go *all in* and be a maximum person. That you will not have a true M - but only a sort of business relationship. And that you WW will likely cheat again. OR you may find you self cheating in that sort of relationship.
So decide what you want.
If your WW will not be a maximum person AND you do not want a business relationship with you WW. Then IMHO you are better off getting a D and moving on with you life.
Razor
