SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The world revolves around her. In that circumstance she is not R worthy.

I am sorry 180 time.

IMHO she is playing you and using your guilt and feelings against you.

She know your buttons and uses them.

Let me flip this for a second. take your guys history and all of that out.

If this was NOT your wife but a new girl how would you act.

Me myself I would 180.

Your input has cleared my mind. I accept my part in the marriage problems. I do not accept any part in her LTA. I am willing to work on the marriage. I expect her to put in equal work. Also..

1. She must acknowledge that the LTA was her (bad) choice and that I played no part in her stepping out of our marriage.

2. She must acknowledge that I had the "right" to try and stop the LTA and that I will not accept her being angry with me because of this.

3. She must acknowledge that her being faithful and also transparent is not an offer. It is an absolut minimum to stay married.

4. She must acknowledge that love is an important part of any marriage. Also that I do not wish to be in a loveless marriage.

5. She must acknowledge that we need a plan and dialogue when moving forward and she need to do a read up on how to improve marriage, avoid or fix problems.

6. She must acknowledge that rugsweeping solves nothing and that I will seek advice and help outside of marriage if this is beneficial to me.

7. She must acknowledge that I won't accept any contact with OM except an absolute min. professional contact. I will end our marriage if she does not respect this.

8. She must acknowledge that her living double life for 5 years, her lies, gaslighting and false R is hard to cope with for me. OM being work mate, neighbor, teacher of our daughter for 3 years of the affair and now teacher of our son for the next 3 years give me triggers all the time.

First off, do not believe that part about 15 years she did not love you. WW's especially are prone to rewriting the whole marriage history to justify their affairs. She has had 5 years to convince herself of whatever bullshit makes her feel better.

As far as OM being your sons teacher, that sounds like a serious ethical breach. Not sure about the laws in Norway, but I bet that would never be allowed to happen here. Look into it, it may be a way to get him to move on professionally.

She is trying desperately to justify what she did in order to preserve some (false) sense of integrity. Do not expect any real improvement until she faces this fact herself.

I am sorry Norseman. She sounds like she is filled up with FOG. Save yourself. Start learning the 180 IMMEDIATELY...otherwise you may find yourself accidentally rewarding her bad behavior and continued rewriting of marital history.

Spot on agree!!

Norsemen, you are a prime candidate for needing to 180. Get your back up.

@ aesir: She has been trying to rewrite our history, yes. When asked why she wanted a third child at a time (she now says) she did not love me her reply is that our son needed a playmate and being out of love with me did not mean I was a bad father.

I do not know if the affair is an ethical breach, but it is even more complicated as my wife is also the teacher of the OM's son. Our son and his son have been classmates since first grade, but they are no longer close friends. Triggers are everywhere, but I can handle that part.

@RKT429SS: I have no problem getting and keeping my back up, presenting her side of the affair and our marriage does not mean that I have accepted her version as the only truth. I needed input from the SI community to get my mind straight.

LTA = long term recovery. We have a forum in I Can Relate and what you will see there are BS's still reeling 4 and 5 years later. The norm for even just feeling a tiny bit better is about one year *after* the WS starts really working on the R. maybe 2 years to feel like the R is really going well. And this is with the WS's who threw their OP's under the bus; not those who did a false R.

Is that what you want?

I have every sympathy for you. You could be the BH of my WH's OP. I was in a very similar situation and it's really just sickening.