SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I have been married for 3, been together for 6 years. We have an 8 month old baby girl. She has a high demand job and was recently awarded a time consuming project that had her working most nights and weekends. She works from home on these nights FYI so I know she is home. She works in the office 2 days per week.

Her project manager had a lot of contact with her, more than me via phone. He lives on the west coast in Cali we are in NC. They were talking to each other more and more via phone, email, chat. For the last month I have been really neglected. No time, no sex, cold shoulder. I had a feeling something was up. To make a long story short, I found some sexual text messages and voice messages.

She claims she has never seen the guy and that's it's purely emotional. Part of me believes it because she is at home very night and hasn't really gone anywhere except to work and back. She works home 2 days a week. She says she has feelings for this guy, but truly loves me and wants to stay married and work it out. She admits she is horrible and lied, but says it's made her move stronger going through this experience.

I honestly don't know what to think. Since I confronted her, there has been no contact with the PM via our phone records. I also called and threatened him when I found the messages.

I don't know what to do here at all. Some people tell me that I should move on because the trust is broken, but some say it might be worth to give it one more shot if she really hasn't physically cheated. But, to me cheating is cheating so even if she is imagining being with this guy and sending him sweet messages, it tears me up badly.

What should I do? Right now I have moved out and taken the baby to be with family. She is with her family right now as well. She keeps saying she wants to work it out that this incident was a big mistake and won't happen again. Do I trust her?

((Cheated123))

Welcome to SI, though sorry you have the need to come here.

First, go through the Healing Library - you can find the link to it in the yellow box up at the top left of this page.

Second, I would highly recommend "Not Just Friends" by S. Glass - it has helped both my FWH and I to understand how a friendship can turn into an EA.

Other than that, keep reading and posting on here - it is a great support and you will get lots of advice.

Good luck.

BTW - don't let anyone tell you that an EA isn't a "real" A - sex or no sex, the betrayal is just the same.

I guess your first step (if you haven't gotten to it already) is for her to tell you everything.

How it started, how it progressed, that sort of thing.

For me it's hard to rebuild when you don't even know the who/what/when/where/or whys of what went wrong.

How can you know it won't happen again if you don't even know how it happened in the first place?

That was my starting point, unfortunately I'm still stuck there at the moment, but I don't feel like there is any chance of rebuilding trust until I know everything.

Good luck to you and I wish you the best.

Hi cheated123, sorry you are here.

My husband's first affair was also an emotional affair only and we did not give it the importance as a legitimate affair that we should have.

The next one was a full-blown affair, to the extent that they were having sex, in love, and planning to get married.

Absolutely BOTH of you need to read, Not Just Friends by Glass.

I would be very cautious so long as she is still minimizing the affair because it was "purely emotional."

An emotional affair IS an affair.

Take care of your self.

[This message edited by sudra at 1:21 PM, November 19th (Friday)]

cheated123

I am so sorry for you loss and pain. But take some time, don't jump into any big decisions right off the bat.I know you are very hurt and angry. Read in the healing library and get the book Not Just Friends by Dr. S Glass.

I know how much it hurts, my husband is also been doing the same but will not admit to it even though I know the truth.

You've gotten great advise already. I suggest you consult a lawyer, have her tested for std's, and the main one....expose them to their employer! If the OM is married, tell the bs. This is not revenge...these are the consequences of her betrayal to you and your child.

My H also had an EA.

She needs to do the following before YOU can make decisions:

Be 100% honest and open and truthful

Give you full access to all email, IM, phone,everything

Go NC with the OM

Be willing to go to IC and MC to understand why she needed to do this.

Be willing to go the distance. It will take you 2-5 years to rebuild (I'm almost 1 year out).

180 if necessary for you.

She needs to read Not Just Friends both of you might want to read 5 Love Languages to understand how to assist with each other's rebuilding and connecting.

Good luck.

Cheated,

Definitely getting some good advice from here.

Everything is still fresh and raw, so don't make any rash long term decisions.

After you catch your breath and assess the damage, ask yourself this:

"I know I can't turn back the clock, so knowing what I know now--what do I want from this marriage, or is it not worth saving?"

That, my friend, is entirely up to you. Affairs are dealbreakers for many, and we certainly wouldn't blame you if you left.

But if you DO want to save your marriage, well, then, alot of that depends on your wife.

Set boundaries and stick to them; you will learn of many of those on this site.

Watch her actions--that is what this is about. A remorseful spouse will not only realize the damage they have done, but will go to extreme lengths to help heal you. You can't reconcile without remorse.

One other thing. You stated:

"She keeps saying she wants to work it out that this incident was a big mistake and won't happen again. Do I trust her?"

Remember, your forgiveness and trust are a GIFT. She has to earn them back from you. Do not just freely give it back.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 2:44 PM, November 19th (Friday)]

{{cheated123}}

My fWH had an OA and it completely blindsided me. It happened while we were on the verge of D but to know that he could simply step outside our M and exchange emails and pics with some stranger rather than come talk to me, it was devestating.

I also left for a couple of weeks to gather my thoughts and when I came back we had the most open and honest discussion we've ever had...and the most painful...but it got us back on track again.

We are working on R and some days are better than others.

I have found SI to be a great place of support. I wish you all the best.

Thank you for all the responses I am getting great advice here. Please keep them coming I am away from her now as I left. She keeps telling me she misses and loves me and keeps asking me if I feel the same. Phone records have shown no contact with the other guy since I found the messages on Wednesday morning. I told her I love and miss her too. Is that a mistake? I HAVE NOT told here I was coming back and I have not told here I have forgiven her.

cheated123

It is ok to express your feelings and emotions.I would be as honest as can be, making sure that you share not just the good but the bad too. Have you read up on the 180? I will see if I can locate the link for you.

Hang in there, my thoughts are with you,

Jeanne

123

My wife "had feelings for" her coworker, put in long hours at a "demanding" job, and later I found out the A was more than emotional.

You are handling things better than I did. My advice, if you allow her back into your life, is to verify. Don't trust until she has earned it. Spy and document until you can trust her

Part of me believes it because she is at home very night and hasn't really gone anywhere except to work and back.

Neither did mine. Bottom line if they want to cheat they will. You can't be with them 24/7. Since you have distance in your favor, maybe it isn't a physical affair yet. Only they know and it is common for cheaters to have a secret phone, call only from work, or find other ways to keep going behind your back. The main thing I wanted to say is that if you don't want to go down the infidelity path in the future, the worst thing you can do is sweep it under the rug. She would benefit from IC to figure out why she went down the path she did. Is it morals, lack of boundaries, brokenness, etc. Unfortunately you can't just count on her words that it won't happen again. Good for you for moving out, what needs to happen going forward in order for you to move back in? Give that some thought.

Just an update. She still calls and says she misses and loves me, etc. The other guy also called me yesterday and we had a long conversation. He says it was pure emotional and the work developed into feelings. He also said that it would end here as he doesn't want to be the guy who breaks up a family.

I am thinking on steps she needs to take to win me back. The first is quitting her job and finding another one. That will be a pain area for me moving forward no matter how long it takes to heal. The second is sending her to marriage counseling on her own.

If she doesn't agree to these steps, then I am through. I am just having problems stomaching this because deep down I know she is not going to quit her job for me. She cheated on me for god's sake, she doesn't truly love me.

She cheated on me for god's sake, she doesn't truly love me.

Not necessarily true. They are in a "fog", and aren't thinking clearly.

Cheated,

She cheated on me for god's sake, she doesn't truly love me.

You would think not by the fact she cheated on you.

But the truth is most waywards DO love their spouses during the time of their affair. But the problem is that they are so lost at this time, and there is only irrationality. You can't apply logic to their thought process, because there is none.

It is her job to convince you that she does love you. It is very difficult for many of the betrayed here to forgive(I am over a year out and still don't forgive my WW, although progress is being made), and that is entirely up to you.

Set your guidelines and go from there; only you know how much you will or will not tolerate.

Good luck, friend. Post often.

PS--Don't rule out a little counseling for yourself. I was one that would NEVER talk to a "shrink", but there can definitely be a benefit to getting advice from someone who specializes in infidelity.

Hey C123----1st don't be so quick to become intimate with her, if you do get back together---she needs to be accountable for what she did

As to counseling----Whether you wanna hear it or not, there was/is a problem with you, in your mge., that caused her to give her heart to another----SO if there is to be counseling, you both need to go, and find out WHY she needed to go outside her mge.

As to the job----I know the job caused the EA, but in this day and age, jobs are few, and far between, and if you need her income---then like it or not, you need to think, long and hard about her leaving a steady paying job-----a lack of money, will also cause major problems, so think carefully about this area,---- you can figure out a way for her NOT to be in contact with this other guy, and she needs to show you all her work contacts so you can moniter her---IF, you decide to let her stay on at her workplace.

If you do decide to reconcile, you need to set up boundaries, with dealbreaker consequences, that you will actually implement---actions on your part, not words--Also set up a POST--NUP, agreement, put in whatever conditons you need, but make sure there is a duress clause

Just remember one thing at this point whatever game is played---it is by your rules, and your rules only

I feel like I don't have much of a choice on the job. She is already giving me excuses about how she will have to talk to him at some point on this project and possibly others. My sanity will be in question if this goes on. We need a clean break. The income can come from somewhere else as she has all the qualifications she needs. If I allow her to go back to that job, it's sets up a future standard that this can and will happen again.

I think your boundaries of leaving her job and individual counseling for her are EXCELLENT.

Frankly, I respectfully disagree with the advice given by the poster who suggests keeping the job. It left me scratching my head...thinking that your WS owns 100% of giving her heart away, why a post nup with duress clause, this is not a game, etc….

I recommend reading 20/20 hindsight what I wish I’d known on this forum to get a sense of what others have set as their requirements or in hindsight wish they’d set as their requirements for reconciliation including things like remorse, transparency, no contact letter, no trickle truth,timelines for actions to happen etc….

You are doing great.

Alluring Illusion,

Thank you for the feedback. She is 100% accountable and will have to prove her love. If she chooses her job over me, then I move on, period.

I have already filed a legal complaint against her including a separation. It is under the table and hasn't been served. I have the option to serve it at some point if this doesn't work out. If for some odd reason she goes along with my rules, then I simply have the complaint dismissed.

I am hoping things work out, but preparing for the worse. Our marriage is going to go through a HUGE change if we move forward. She can't go back to her job.