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She is a smart girl. 180 right back at me.

and no compliance with the boundaries we agreed on.

she is backtracking and reneging on the one or two things we agreed on in MC this morning:

1) Definitive No Contact Letter-this-was-a -wrong-affair letter to the OM.

She now says she has to act out of love, not out of fear, so she can't write it, yet.

2) She already contacted a former boyfriend three times to wish him Happy Birthday.

Although we specifically discussed this, because these birthday calls to all of her many exes are her specialty, she went ahead and did it anyway.

then she acted like she didn't know why I was making a big deal about it.

ok, now what do I do?

and where is a sample NC letter to OM for me to model, in case she changes her and writes it. I gave her until sundown tomorrow to write it.

Strong girl.

[This message edited by naftali at 1:19 PM, February 10th (Thursday)]

As she is not observing the boundaries for R, lawyer up and file for D. In other words, Shock therapy!

You don't necessarily have to go through with it. But, maybe if she suddenly sees what she will be losing, it might cause her to de-fog. If not, continue to 180 for YOU, not her.

Maybe someone else will come along with a better suggestion.

Isa

naft....

When you set your liimitations....what was your limits to your wife NOT conforming to your demands???

When you "drew that line in the dirt"....what would your response be IF she ignored your stance?

You canNOT control her cheating...you can ONLY control your responses to her adverse behavior!!!

Bufffalo

naftali,

She is not doing a 180. She is attempting to ride all over you. Because there have been no consequences in the past she has no reason to believe that there will be any now.

When you work on the 180 you stop focusing on her (well eventually) and you start focusing on you. You find the good things inside you and you stop looking for validation from others. Perhaps most importantly you start to realize that her actions define her and do not define you.

I personally got to the point where I was ready to walkaway because I realized that I deserved better treatment than what I was getting. When I got there my WW was ready to put work into the marriage and for the first time in 3 years was able to say that she really DID want to be married to me.

This is website that found and sent to fWH to write his NC letter.

http://www.marriageforlife.biz/no_contact_letter.html

He emailed OW from an email account that our MC had set up and copied me on it so that she knew that I was aware as well.

I feel your pain

I don't think she is doing a 180 - she's taking the piss.

Sorry to hear you're still getting this pain.

This is a test. She wants to see if she can push the line. Any woman who claims that writing a NC letter is too difficult is still in an A.

So, you can bend to her will, or you can call her bluff. I predict that the latter course is the one that will help you on your journey.

I think when you truly 180, you need to let go of what she's doing, who she's messaging, whether she's writing a NC letter or not. You will KNOW when she's ready to really reconcile. And when she is, you won't be the one looking for a good NC letter sample. You won't have to convince her that she shouldn't be contacting old boyfriends. She knows you are still hanging on. She's playing you. She knows you aren't done if you are still so concerned with what she's doing. She doesn't fear losing you. I remember feeling afraid when I was 180'ing and WH seemed like he was moving on with life. It would make me feel like I was losing the upper hand and make me want to grab back on. That only made things worse. You 180'ing could make her choose her other life. But you hanging on will not make her choose you.

Not much else to say that has not already been said. Just know that we will be here for you when the inevitable happens. I'll say it again, inevitable. When an A has no consequences, the A goes on, at least at the mental EA level. Sorry.

Strong girl.

I beg to differ. Infidelity is a sign of weakness, and it is normally accompanied by blameshifting, justification, avoidance, denial, etc., all of which are also signs of weakness.

If she were strong, she would acknowledge the obvious atrociousness of her behavior. She would accept responsibility for her behavior instead of implying that you had anything to do with her choice to cheat. In short, she would look in the mirror and be disgusted with who she has become, and face it head on, exactly as she would expect YOU to do if the tables had been turned.

What you've described is miles from strength. She's just being stubborn...and childish. And is certainly still in contact.

Actions speak louder than words.

She either thinks you won't do anything about it or is pushing you to make the move towards D (that way she can say you did it not her).

I think *she* is lawyering up.

I got so angry in MC today. I should have stayed calmer and listened to her. I was reading aloud from all I her romantic emails to all of these men, past lovers, current affair, and she just kept saying i would never get over this and I was psychotic and she cried hysterically and I basically ignored it. I think I seemed callous.

She is now ignoring/ 180-ing me back.

She is a cake eater. And you are being the baker.

I agree with all the previous posters. When you do the 180, you choose to not give a damn about what your WS does, or is planning on doing. You worry about you, and that is all.

If she doesn't want to write the NC letter, fine. If she wants to call all of her exes, fine. You worry about you. Get your ducks in a row and prepare yourself to leave and divorce (assuming that her continuing this despicable behavior is a deal breaker for you). Like a pp said, you don't have to actually complete the divorce, if she turns herself around.

You need to worry about YOU! Forget her for the time being, do not worry about her activities, and do not talk to her unless he asks you a direct question...then answer it in a short and simple way, no details, just the facts. Then continue doing what you need to do for you.

If and when she finally gets the hint, she will come to you and say that she wants to fix the marriage, it is at that point you lay down your conditions for R. Plainly, simply, without emotion. You say "Well, if you want R, I need you to do A, B, C, and D, without exception. If you do not do these things I am proceeding with the divorce"

180 her, and sit and wait. If she never comes around, then you will already be miles ahead in your healing process by the time the D is final.

Work on YOU! Please...

Man, I'm so sorry. If she's lawyering up, you definitely need to - even if she isn't.

Just talking with one will help you - it really will empower you to have knowledge.

Her tears are not for you, did you notice? Instead, they were manufactured to create an outcome:

to minimize the consequences to her.

It's manipulation.

No remorse, therefore the hotter the tears the colder the heart.

Stick with your 180.

See a L.

Unstring your Stradivarius.

So I file now? See lawyer (again?)

The registered letter to OM's wife should arrive there in 2 days. That should stir things up a bit.

I have to see her family tonight. Including her full-of-himself doodya brother who lost the whole family's fortune but no one's allowed to talk about it.

Sigh. She said she was crying today because she realized that there was no way for us to be together.

My special needs son is coming apart at the seams.

My lawyer wants to intervene to help him. Don't know what to do.

So I file now? See lawyer (again?)

YES and YES!!!

I have to see her family tonight. Including her full-of-himself doodya brother who lost the whole family's fortune but no one's allowed to talk about it.

No you don't have to go see her family. 180 and do something either by yourself or with your child or work on getting your ducks in a row at home.

Really? Cancel at the last minute? That seems weird. But I could. I sort of insisted she include me/us because she was excluding me. I am all over the place.

Really? Cancel at the last minute? That seems weird. But I could. I sort of insisted she include me/us because she was excluding me. I am all over the place.

She's totally ignoring everything you've asked her to do. Why should you spend time with her/her family? Who cares if they think it's weird?

I am all over the place.

We've all been there.And so what? You aren't allowed to have a change of heart?