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Oh, I'm so angry FOR you. She is acting terribly.

I hope you know this, but it cannot be repeated enough; she is trying to blame YOU for her betrayal. She is villanizing (sp?) you to justify her affairs.

If she was not happy with the state of the marriage, she had every opportunity to work on it, or to leave.

If I had a nickel for every time I brought up the affair, he retorted with the "fact" (bullshit) I hadn't treated him well the first 13 years of our marriage, I'd be on a cruise in Tahiti.

After IC, and time, my FWH gets that his choice to cheat was his fault, and his alone.

He also finally gets that villanizing me to justify his affair was another way of justifying it. Absolute crap. And that no, I wasn't an ogre or bitch the first x amount of years we were married, just like you were not controlling or whatever she called you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and assure you better days are ahead.

Attention!!! This is not ur fault!! U didn't push her into an affair.

Something is broken in her.

That is the way she chose to deal with it.

The rush they get helps them temporarily escape their issues. She should be begging for you to forgive her, doing whatever u require to feel safe.

You truly need to get the OM wife on board asap.

Her crappy friend is probaly the middle man getting messages to him.

Your wife is blame shifting you, in a effort to try and make u feel guilty.don't buy into it and stand firm in ur demands.

Sounds like ur prepared if she walks.

I'm not sure she will though. I've watched several friends go through this- they were the WW and they all secured a possible place to run to invade their BS decided to tell them to leave.

So I think her looking for a place may just be her way of making sure she has a place to go if she needs too.

But I will say that it also shows she is wavering on whether or not she is committed on trying to make things work with you.

Right now just take care of u and ur kids because her actions are completely out of ur control.

IMHO

You need to tell the other spouse immediately. Your WW is now re-writing your marital history to fit her reality. You need to break this fog as soon as possible, and the easiest way to do that is to expose their tawdry little secret to his spouse and send him running for cover trying to save his own ass.

Your WW is going to have a hard time staying in the fog after OM throws her under the bus...which he is very likely to do after exposure.

Good luck!

She's aready gone mentally and emotionally. TOTAL fantasyland.A 27 yr old "model" pursueing a 35 yr old wife and mother. AND, a personal trainer ALSO showing interest! (A heck of an ego trip!) Pull the plug on this thing. Tell OM's spouse and watch the fantasy swirl down the drain.

Blah, blah, blah...they ALL say the same thing. Rinse wash repeat.

Don't be mean, stay very calm, "so sorry YOU feel that way" is your phrase for right now.

I wouldn't call it kicking her out...I would just ask her to leave as you cannot live this way with someone who is cheating on you behind your back. Since this is the life she wants she should go and get it.

Even though you are screaming inside, you present calm and very sure of how you feel and you just ask her to leave. That you 2 need time apart, that you cannot be a part of her choice.

Remember she has been planning and scheming behind your back for months, maybe longer in your marriage. Don't give up your sources and do not tell her or give away what you are doing. She has to see you moving on without her.

YOU did not cause this...I hate WS who pull this crap. Since you are so bad and the marriage is so rotten for her then tell her she should leave, she can't have both.

She swears there has been no o e else!!! Ever!!!!

Also she said she has no problem with the NC either!!! She tried to break it off when him in Oct but since they work together sometimes she found herself wanting him again. She said it was like a drug all the attention from him! She said it was more about the thrill of being presued by him....she said she did want to have her cake and eat it too. She said she loved my attention at home and his attention at work. She said it truly was a double life!

The affair started when she was weak and we were having problems and it was an escape for her. Then she found the strength to really tell me she wasn't happy(oct 2010)... Then I changed and she was happy but he was still there in the background and she knew she was living a lie and couldn't fully like him go.

She said she regrets that the last 5 months has been in vainl and she wishes she could have came clean then and we could have fixed things instead of more lies.

This is really twisted....your thoughts?

Goose,

You are at a huge advantage with her leaving. Just let her go! It will work out way better for you in D proceedings.

No matter how tempting it may be, please resist any urge to beg her. All it will do is cause her to lose further respect for you. In the long run begging never works. She has a lot of nerve to complain that you will never trust her again. Trust is earned and she is not at all worthy given what she is capable of.

STAY STRONG!

The thrill of being persued? Ummmm...wasn't she the one that texted, "Do you have time for a quickie?" Don't buy into any of it. If she is moving out, it's only to keep her affair going. This isn't your fault! You can claim 50% of the problems in your marriage, but the affair is 100% hers.

How's the search or situation with OMW?

she said she did want to have her cake and eat it too. She said she loved my attention at home and his attention at work. She said it truly was a double life!

She completely contradicted herself. Having you at home and him on the side is exactly having her cake and eating it too!!!!!!!

She is deep in the fog. If it were all about him persuing her then he could have persued her until the cows came home but she didn't have to submit to it.

Dude just let her go!!!!!! I get the feeling she will just bring you more and more heartache either with this one having gone deep underground or another one next week or next month or next year...

ETA: DID YOU GET IN TOUCH WITH THE OTHER BS??

[This message edited by seriouslylostit at 8:01 AM, March 3rd (Thursday)]

Just a thought. Is she talking to a friend (the bitch or someone else) about moving out. Or MAYBE she feels that you are so hurt from this and that you are going to kick her out (like you have said) and she's just getting something set up in case that happens?

I've been following your story..and just wish I could give you a big hug! So sorry youre going through this!

Goose,

First you have been doing such a wonderfull job right out of the gate. Your streagnth is commendable and inspiring!!!

She swears there has been no o e else!!! Ever!!!!

Goose, I know that you want to believe this but right now you can't believe anything that is coming out of your wife's mouth. And I know that is so hard to do. I know that you want to believe the words.

Im sure there is a inner stuggle in you right now in wanting to believe the words. Please please don't. Believe in the actions. The old addage actions speak louder than words has never been more true than it is in your life RIGHT NOW!!!

2 months after my DDay#2 (and I have had now 6)I had to fly 3000 miles away to my sister's to find out from my brother in law that my WS has had others.

They WILL LIE to save themeselves!!!! My WS has never came clean unless I had him backed into a corner. And this was from a remorsefull WS.

Stand your ground and let her go!!! You know your conditions! The bitch friend needs to go and YOU need to contact the other BS.

Stay strong for yourself and for your daughters. Remember there is a special place in heaven for a Dad of two daughters.

You can do this!!!!!! Hang on and hang tight!!!

We are ALL here for you Goose

ETA: ALWAYS ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT!!! If something doesn't feel right, stories don't make sense. You can sense your WS is holding something back its because THEY ARE!!!!!!! TRUST YOUR GUT!!!

[This message edited by Heartbroken1993 at 8:21 AM, March 3rd (Thursday)]

goose-em, this looks like the "I Fell Out of Love...And Just Love Being in Love" type affair outlined by Dr. Robert Huizenga.

http://www.infidelity.com/index.cfm/event/article/class/Trouble-Suspicion/articleId/335.html

According to him:

"The person who was driven to find “that loving feeling” (reminds me of a song…) usually experiences a high degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is often married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on the right path.

This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being “in love” is the panacea for my emptiness.

This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is

Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become, again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc.

This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially vulnerable for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence. (There are good reasons for this, from a family systems perspective, but I won’t get into that here.)

Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later."

[This message edited by lordmayhem at 8:22 AM, March 3rd (Thursday)]

I know alot of people will disagree with what I am about to say, however I think it is important.

On D-day my H did not show remorse, he showed regret, he said those same words, it was the thrill, the high , the being persued ect...

This may be the beginning of her journey to self awareness, it may not be.

There are many avenues you can explore, I do not think you have said this is an absolute deal breaker, You are like many on here wavering and so confused as to what is the "right" thing to do. Only you can answer that, but again who say's you have to make that all or nothing decision right now.

The first thing is to understand YOUR requirements.Request she do them then, if she agrees to them then watch if she does.

If she refuses to do them, then you have your answer!!!

As I think you have said

1. NC

2. NC with other "friend"

3. access to all passwords, emails, phones ect

4.Individual counseling

5. Complete transparency,

6. No working in that environment until she shores up her boundries.

Is she willing to do these things? if she is then why do you need to make a decision right now?

I had a long list of requirements on d-day I was firm in those requirements, if at any time my H was not willing or able to adhere to them then I would have walked.

I stayed on a day to day basis, I did not promise anything except I would try as long as he was doing his part.

Stay strong!!!!

(((((goose-em)))))

at this point, try to take the view that if her lips are moving, she is lying

you are going to get a whole barrage of EXCUSES from your ww as to why she felt okay blowing up your life, it is a process of demonizing the spouse and re-writing the marital history to justify a ws's crappy choices.... and it's all garbage

bottom line - what normal, emotionally healthy person uses lies and betrayal to deal with their problems?

there were plenty of other choices available to your ww should she have felt so hard done by and none of them included a boyfriend on the side

and as you can see from her statements last night, she is irrational and contradictory

she says NC won't be a problem but, she already tried that, didn't she?

She tried to break it off when him in Oct but since they work together sometimes she found herself wanting him again.

and then the whole line of bullshit about how it was your fault for being such a shitty husband? that falls apart because you addressed your issues and worked on yourself, went to MC and she still wanted all that attention and still betrayed you

basically your ww is an attention whore and will always be vulnerable to it unless she gets real honest with herself and gets into some counselling

we often use a broken cup analogy to help show how the BS is not at all responsible for an affair - think of your wife as a cup that has some cracks and holes, think of the love and attention you give her as water

now in a normal, 'unbroken' cup, you can pour the water in and it holds it, it keeps it but with a broken cup what do see happening as we pour that water in? it starts to leak, you notice water coming from the base, you try to fill the cup faster, perhaps you can fill it if you just pour faster, but yet the cup empties, you try to pour more and for a short time, the water holds, but alas, it's leaking again

you can never fill a broken cup enough, no matter how much water you pour in, it will always leak away

until you examine the cup, find the cracks and holes and repair them, it will only ever be a cup that sucks the water out of anyone who will pour

you were both in the same marriage, yet you didn't cheat - if it was the 'marriage's fault' then why are you so special? how did you manage to withstand the all-powerful and totally manipulative forces of 'the marriage' ? are you a jedi?

so yeah, long story short, when she starts blathering away about how it was you and the omnipotent Marriage that made her do all these things remember you are a jedi and your ww's mind tricks don't work on you

eyta - that should have said, Short story Long - lol sorry to be wind baggy!!

[This message edited by A Woman Scorned at 9:30 AM, March 3rd (Thursday)]

I want Everyone to know how thankful I'm am to all your advice!! It is literally saving my life!!! You are so awesome and I could never thank you enough...and once I get through some of this hell, I'm looking forward to helping others. Thank you!!!!!!

You need to tell the other spouse immediately. Your WW is now re-writing your marital history to fit her reality. You need to break this fog as soon as possible, and the easiest way to do that is to expose their tawdry little secret to his spouse and send him running for cover trying to save his own ass.

Goose.....dude....have you told the other BS?

I have a 2X4 for ya....no, make that a 4X4 - you are NOT doing everything possible to end your wifes affair or to get her outta her fog....

Are you afraid that if you "out the affair to the other BS" you are pushing them together??? NEWSFLASH!!! "they are together now"!!!!

You cannot control your wifes affair...you didnt cause it and you cant fix it......it simply is NOT your fault...

There is a common idea among several responses on this thread...."tell the other BS"...dont worry about "pushing them together" - thats already happening, sorry.... .

I have been pushing this concept now for about 2 and a half years...seen it over and over...affairs die with exposure..

Dont keep their dirty little secret.....or "your goose is cooked"...(bad joke)...sorry.

Also..at this point in my FWWs affair - i didnt believe anything she said - cheaters lie...rewrite maritial history, etc....

Get her out of her fog - or put on your hipwaders - the bullshit is gonna get deeper....

Bufffalo

She has pretty much already said she won't leave her friend!!

She "claims her friend knew up to OCT" then she didn't tell anyone after October.....sounds like bs to me.

Big time BS.

Best friend knew. You can be sure of that. MY WW has one just like her. Her best friend was also cheating on her husband. They did it together!! how cute!!!

Toxic friends are a huge impediment to R.

But not to get sidetracked:

EXPOSE THE A TO THE OTHER BS.

Dont' worry about the crap your WW is spewing out of her moth right now. Give it a week or so AFTER you've exposed the A before you even consider anything out of her mouth to be anything more than self serving Bullshit!! As always, actions speak louder than her words.

Sorry to say, you have your answer

What she is saying is "my friend is more important than you or our children"

I am so sorry, this is one of YOUR REQUIRMENTS, it is a valid, realistic requirement.

Now all I can say is be true to you, stick to your guns, absolutely no negotiations, she will try like hell to convince you you are asking for the unreasonable. YOU ARE NOT!!!!

Goose I am sorry, As much as it hurts, you do have your answer, she will not respect or honor you. This does not mean you have an issue all it means is she is not honorable enough to deserve to stay in your life.

Bless you , stay strong

She has pretty much already said she won't leave her friend!!

This tells me that she is choosing her friend/other life over you.

180. Expose to OMW. Hold on tight and don't forget to breathe and drink water.

This sucks so bad, and I know you are hoping but right now she really does not get it. She is not ready to R. Maybe at some point in the future she will be, but certainly not now.

I'm so so sorry you are going through this.

((((goose))))