SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I'm about 95% sure my wife of 5 years cheated or is cheating on me.I have phone records of her texting two diferent guys over 4 months. And I knew it in my gut things were not right. I have a GPS unit in hand..and will know the truth in a few days. I have a few questions.

1.Is there anything I can do right now to prepare myself for when I really find out?(I've already been through hell the past 4 days). I've read the healing page(great stuff)

2. What is the best way to have this all go down with the kids? I have a step daughter is that is 12(from her first marriage) And a 4 year old.I'm planning on kicking my wife out of the house and she will probally take her step dautgher with her.

3. Also is it bad to kick her out if I want to work things out later?

4. Why would I want to know all the details, whouldn't that just make the mental movie worse for in the future? I will have the movie in my head even if we decide not to work on the relationship?

5. Is it weird that I haven't told her yet?

What next?

Wow.

You might not be able to kick her out of the house. You better consult a lawyer on that.

There is nothing that will truly prepare you for what you're going to face. Read everything in The Healing Library, particularly the BS Faqs.

Expect to be gaslighted and have the blame shifted. Maybe practice what you're going to say when she has a fit.

Hugs to you, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Hi goose-em. Love your name.

Im still only 6 months out and Im not dealing very well,so I dont have alot of advice.

But,the "need to know" all the details is up to the BS. In my situation,I needed to know everything. I cant move forward if I dont know everything Im moving forward from. How can I heal if I dont know everything? Every BS is different. Do what's best for you.

It's not weird that you havent told her yet. It's great. You're in the process of gathering evidence. If you had already told her you know,she will start covering her tracks,deleting email accounts,changing passwords,warning the OM,etc.

Good luck. Take it slow and easy. Be kind to yourself.

((((((goose-em)))))

So I can't legally kick her out? Ouch that might be a problem. Maybe I should check that out first?

It's not weird that you haven't told her yet. Nope not at all.

What you get to do in this little sunshine window you have is protect yourself in all ways.

Depending on state you live in, and grounds for divorce, etc...it advantages you to check up on your rights...

Protect yourself first.

In time, your spouse might have remorse - which is blubbering sorrow for your pain - without it, and you can't make it be there - you got bupkis...you can't fix what's not there...

protect yourself first. This is a Golden opportunity. (though it sux mightily!)

Yeah...get a free consult with a lawyer.

Just texting or calls too? If calls put a VAR in the car. Check for signs she is chatting or emailing on the computer

I honestly wish I had not told him I knew when I found out. Imagine the great stuff I could have gathered while he continued to dig his hole!

I would have much rather had the time to prepare with an attorney and devise a course of action instead of becoming a blubbering pile of mush for days. Better to negotiate from a stronger position.

It's really tough not to let your emotions take over but, if you can pull it off, I'd say get your ducks in a row before you let her know you know or even suspect anything.

She has been texting two male "friends" at work...they text each other 30-40 times a day. One of the guys the texting has died down. But they text right before she leaves for "girls night"...and at weird hours. But most during the day. And she has never mentioned these guy friends" ever.

Anyway. She has a "job" for thursday night that came up out of the blue from 5pm-10pm. I'm hoping to have the GPS in her car...so then I'll know the truth. I also have a i-phone spy stick to extract her texts(even the deleted ones) from her phone.

I want to wait as long as I can so I can get ready for the pain.

I've already booked a therapy session. I found this website. I've been trying to eat well(I lost 5-8 lbs from stress already). So I have been trying to force myself to eat..and stay busy at work. I've been taking Nyquill at night so I can Sleep.

I just know that a frieght train is coming and I'm very scared to find out the truth and go through all this crap.

One of the guys is a model..the other is a personal trainer...*sigh*

we got your back...just hang on!

Close to the vest protects you.

I am only on day 9....so I am no expert.

As for kicking her out....I dunno....I kicked my WH out. He has been home a few times to get some items and to see our kids. I wouldn't withhold our kids....he is still their Daddy.

But I kicked him out the night I found out. He stayed at a hotel the first night, and has been on the couch at a friend's since.

goose-em,

I used a PI. Not cheap but definitive. Given her apparent tracks, it shouldn't take much to get photos, videos, eyewitness accounts and GPS tracks. i found out more that I really didn't want to know than you can imagine.

I knew everything for a week before I confronted her. I was away for some of that and it was difficult.

Most of your other questions are matters for your heart. I got my now XW out pretty quickly and never had a shot at reconciliation.

My kids are the most important thing to me. I would not have them think a marriage with 3 people in it was okay. I have them most of the time.

I do know this. What you want now - the standrds, values and expectations you have and how well you live them will drive your quality of life, with her or without her.

Good advice so far... The one thing I can think to add is, be ready for the shock of seeing WW transform into a cold, withdrawn, hostile stranger right in front of you. If she's been keeping up appearances, or just has always maintained some basic level of affection toward you through it all, the cornered animal response can really throw you. Unfortunately, it's the polar opposite of the remorse and forthrightness one might hope for when confronting with airtight evidence...

I didn't tell when I first found the hundreds of texts either. I was in shock and was really hoping to find an explanation proving that FWH wasn't cheating.

I waited to confront till I had the actual text messages not just the detailed usage online.

The texts told the ugly truth. He didn't deny it.

I didn't want details, still do not. It would have made my mind movies worse, but that it just me. You have to decide for yourself what you need.

I wish all the time that I could have kept my emotions together and thought things through like you are doing. I go over it and over it in my head constantly. I wish I would have waited to confront him and catch them in the act, the shocked look on his face would have been priceless. It makes me sick that people think they are so slick fooling us and getting away with disgusting behavior. I am almost 5 months out, I can tell you that you are in for alot of heartache, but if you feel like she's worth giving another chance and you still have love for her, you should try. MC is a must and there are alot of good books that help. As far as what you should ask/know, only you could know that. I am a very detail oriented person, so naturally I wanted to know alot. I felt that the mind movies were probably worse than reality, so i wanted the truth. Only you could know what is right for you, take your time, as you digest stuff you may find that you know enough or you may want more. I wish you luck, know that you are not alone in this.

Thank you all for the help. It's very nice to know that I'm not the only person that is living through this. I never even knew a site like this existed 4 days ago.

goose-em....

Do you know who she is texting? Names?? Are they married?

Remember that cheaters lie...at this point in my FWWs A, i did not believe anything she said...

good luck, bro....

Keep us posted...

Bufffalo

I am sorry you found us because you need us, but we are here. Like others have said, be ready for the change in your bride. She is likely in the fog. She has probably rewritten your life together, making it nothing like the one you thought you were living. And as for the "thrill" of catching them in the act and seeing it on their faces...my experience of catching and confronting my ws both in bars with the ow and in bed with her were not at all exilarating. They were actually nauseating and sent hot awful sensations up my back. It is a terrible feeling.

Gather the facts. Have emotional backup waiting. Tape the conversation if you can, and stand strong. It helped me to know that most everything he said was from a state of non-reality. And in the end, whether you work it out or not, reality sets back in and she will have to face her choices. (((you)))

File for divorce before you confront her. You can ask for temporary custody and a kick-out order. Her infidelity has destroyed the family unit. Her promiscuity is a bad influence on your child. You can use almost any reason to file. It's more like the first one to file gets everything they ask for. Judges look at it like everything will sort itself out in family court so they are willing to give the filing party almost everything they ask for. Don't have the divorce papers served until you know everything you need to know. If it turns out to be what you suspect, you'll be sitting in the driver's seat. If she refuses to leave call the cops. When the cop gets there he/she can serve her with the divorce papers and enforce the kick-out order.

As for wanting to know the details. I wanted to know everything because I needed to know how deep her betrayal was. If we were going to reconcile I needed to know everything before I decided to try for reconciliation. Having said that I still don't know everything and probably never will.

Good luck Bro. You did well to control your feelings when you first became suspicious. She played you for a fool. You can show her how big a mistake that was. Be strong, if R is in the future this will only strengthen your position.