SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I do have my answer! I'm calling the OMW today. And I think my WW needs to go. Reality has not hit her yet, maybe because I didn't kick her out and we are still "talking"!

Like I said before on some level I didn't want to see my youngest daughter see her mother leave! But I know we are going to cross that bridge anyway now...makes me said.

And I think my WW needs to go.

Not a good idea, bro.....dont even let your wife know that you are doing this, either......just do it!!

Bufffalo

You know, I've ben wondering why Goose's story has been so enthralling to everyone here. In essence, it's really not that different from any of our stories. The same stuff is happening here that has happened in our relationships.

Well, I think it comes down to hope.

Goose came here with suspicions, while most of us find ourselves here after the bomb has already fallen.

We all have regrets about the way we handled things from before we even got confirmation to everything we did shortly thereafter, depending on how long it was before you found SI.

I think we all wish we could do things over and hope that those small changes would have made a difference for the better.

I think Goose presents us with a unique opportunity to live all our hopes out through him and his journey. I think we all hope that if we give him the perfect advice and he follows it to a T, then he'll suffer the least amount possible and get the best result possible.

We've all become a little bit vested in his story and if it turns out great, then we all have a little bit of our hope and faith restored.

This is by no means a bad thing. I genuinely hope this all works out the best possible way for Goose, whether that meand R or D. I just find it strange how we've become drawn to this thread and this drama more so than most others.

Goose, you have the collective experience of dozens of SIers at your ready. We all want you to come out of this as best as you possibly can.

I think you've kind of become a test case in that we'd all like to see if doing all the "right" things from the beginning will save you from the pitfalls we've fallen into.

I don't mean to hijack the course of this thread. I just wanted to make this one small observation.

OH and Goose... Expose the A.

So Goose,

Have you thought of any creative ways to get the friend out of her life? Having a friend supporting her behavior is a huge impediment to not least of all, serving as any sort of role model to her daughters.

And what about the other BS? have you contacted? Has your WW talked you out of doing so? I will tell you that it is highly popular around here that if the WS has a sense that their BS will contact the other BS all of a sudden the other BS is either-

1) a gun owner

2) crazy as a loon and no way to predict what they'll do

3) "unstable" in a generic sense

4) some other home brewed excuse as to why it would be bad to do this

And it's all bullshit designed to keep you away from the other BS. They know that it will be harder to keep up the A if both BSs are onto them.

Can anybody else here contribute what bullshit excuse you got to not inform the other BS???

goose-em, do you have your script ready for the call?

perhaps getting a general rough draft of what you will say would be helpful?

you will want some piece of info which is damning and irrefutable so that the om BW will know you aren't just shit-talking her

also you know your ww is lying about what her whorehag does and doesn't know - you have all the proof from your investigations...

she is gonna throw anything and everything at you in the hopes that something will stick and give her something to run with to let her get back to fantasy island where you are wrong and she is right

be prepared for lashback from your ww after you make the call, especially if the OM throws her under the bus - she will be extremely angry with you and will blame you for destroying the fairy tale - oh and of course, the om's marriage

it is absolutely wretched

I think you're spot on, Victory.

goose-em, we've all got your back, but no pressure - you're not, in fact, our "re-do", it just feels like you are.

Goose...right now your WW is holding on to the one thing constant in her life.....her best friend validation. The only source of pressure is coming from you. This needs to change now if you want to save your M. The key is EXPOSURE!!! Not just the other bs, but her family and her employer need to know the truth!

This kills the affair fantasy in it's tracks.

Don't fall for the "you had no right to destroy their marriage" crap. You didn't do this to the OM's marriage, he did.

This is not about you, WW, OM or OMBW. This is about the truth and exposing the truth to the people who DESERVE it.

The key is EXPOSURE!!! Not just the other bs, but her family and her employer need to know the truth!

I would in all due respect, be careful about going all out and telling all her friends and work, espcially if you want to keep R as an open option down the road. You start burning bridges for her and she won't find her way back. She'll develope more resentlment for you setting fire to her entire world, giving her nothing to come back to. If you cause her to lose her job, she'll see herself as the victim of a crazed jealous husband who she needs protection from. She'll then feel like she's entittled to be unforgiving to you for what you've done to her.

I'm not saying that maybe it has it's place at some point in time, but I would say wait on setting fire to her entire world until you know you don't want to welcome her back into that world.

OMG Goose, I just had to reply...similar situation - exact same with the friend... My posts are called "What now?" and "Back to square one". Things are so Effed up right now that I don't know where we are going but there have been some positives. My wife has decided on her own that she can't be friends with this bitch anymore... the bitch is in an open marriage so doesn't even think my wife really did anyhting wrong - trying to justify doing something she really thinks is wrong. She went so far as to encouraged my wife to do it if it made her happy, supported her through it with no regard for me or our kids - our kids used to play together, not anymore. On top of that, when my wife finally realized what she had done, she told her not to be honest with me about everything - tried to cover her own ass, and begged her not to tell me that her and her husband live adultery as a lifestyle. She even knew my wife was suicidal - the only one who knew - and told no one. Fucking idiot. Again the wife didn't blame her choices on the friend but said if she is going to really make a go at this she can't be around people who think she shouldn't have been honest with me and would view our marriage as something cheap and worthless. If your wife isn't prepared to do whatever it takes to start healing she isn't really committed to it. As for the OMW absolutely - I actually made my wife call the OMW herself and confess... it was awful but I needed to know she would do anything to prove she is remorseful, I needed to know that from here on out she will do the right thing

One of the worst things is to have that toxic friend who is no friend of the marriage. I really don't understand these types of people. They are just as broken as the cheater. Even IF a marriage survives, this toxic friend will encourage the cheater in their next affair.

That's why NC has to extend to any people who are not friends of the marriage.

And I totally agree with Victory about the truth - this is NOT about protecting anyone - they chose to throw that responsibility out when they betrayed their spouses - they can't convienetly find it again when it serves to protect them. total bullshit - the OM tried this cap on my wife when she decided to fess up. Trid to make her feel that she would be ruining lives for nothing cause they had ended it and no one needed to know... told her that the best thing they can do is put it behind them and be better people going forward - make it up to us (me and the other BS) by being the best partners they can going forward... what a fucking jackass... trust me you are doing the right thing here.

I just tried the home number it's disconnected....Bummer. Maybe a Cert Rest. overnight letter to their house?? I bringing this shit to light...and ASAP.

Amen lordmayhem!!!

I do feal lucky that my wife figured this on her own but just because someone doesn't right away doesn't mean you should let this go... the bad friend has to go or the marriage won't survive... when she is with the bad frined it will make you not trust her the same way if she went out witha male friend for coffee at this point

And I'm totally cool with being the guinea pig for situation. If anyone has been their it's you guys.

It SO crazy..because everything you guys have said..SHE is doing. And the way you said I would feel is EXACTLY how I am feeling. Being able to have some guidance through this is very nice.

(((goose)))

I think I and others have mentioned believing only 50% or less of what your WS says while in the fog.

One thing to keep in mind is that in this state, even THEY can't trust themselves. They are not thinking clearly. Any plans your WW makes today are no more "real" than the fantasyland of the affair. She is freaking out, because the life she thought she had is crumbling and she caused it.

I'm mentioning this only because it is so hard to see what looks like a roadmap for your life that you didn't choose (including HER leaving, taking what she thinks she is entitled to, etc.) Truth is, until she is out of the fog she will be unpredictable. In other words, there is still lots of opportunity for you (both of you) to change your direction. It is one reason why people will tell you not to be too committed to any decision right now.

By all means, continue doing exactly what you are doing. It is the proven way to protect yourself and ensure YOU stay sane. But, know that, especially as the injured party, you are within your rights to change your mind if the situation warrants it, or not.

Take care, and I hope informing the other BS is as straightforward as possible for you.

Is Toxic Friend married? I would have a conversation with her husband, letting him know that his wife supported and facilitated your wife's affair.

So goose----- would this be an accurate statement---your wife is choosing her enabling girlfriend over her own kids---(forget about you for the moment)--and allegedly the A. is over

If that is a true statement your wife is seriously flawed

I've been here alot years....read it all....from my experiences......a full out exposure blitz is the quickest and most effective de-fogger there is!!!

-Toby