SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

tell them they can buy you out.

i don't really want them too...it would be much harder to argue for custody if they owned the only home the children had ever known...see?...this is tricky...

riseandshine

I know...I realized it about a year too late, but I know.

These are great questions for your lawyer.

How did you pick your lawyer? Did you meet with more than one? You may want to meet with a couple of others until you find one that you believe will do the best job in your case.

Proceed as though you are getting a D. It sounds like in your state you have to be separated for a certain amount of time before you D. Get that timer started. If she removes her head from her ass you can always stop the D, but if she doesn't it saves you that extra agony.

I am sorry, but if my marriage was in trouble there is no way in hell I would leave for 10 days with 3 males. If my WH had done that, he would have come home to his bags packed (and we are trying to R, so I am not anti-second chances). To me it shows her thought that you will always be there no matter what she does so she can do whatever and whomever she wants.

Feb 8, 2011 is offline.

He has gone to a doctor's appt, rushed home for his kids, cooked dinner, taken one son to a birthday party, run an errand or two, picked up son from party, returned home, cleaned up a bit, put kids to bed...

Please leave your name, your 2 x 4 and he will get back to you sometime after 9 pm.

Thanks.

Love that you can have a sense of humor during all your pain. (((feb)))

I'll say it again, in case you forget, you are a good man and a great Daddy!

it would be much harder to argue for custody if they owned the only home the children had ever known...see?...this is tricky

It's not tricky. It's just that you're still too close to the forest to be able to see the trees. That's REALLY normal.

If your wife allows the separation to move into a divorce, you're still not going to be able to use the house as leverage for maintaining custody. This will be especially true if your wife tells the judge that she and MIL can buy you out and provide a home for the kids. Forget about the house as an excuse.

I realized it about a year too late, but I know

You didn't realize it too late. Too late would imply that the situation is hopeless. That she'll never see you as a man rather than her parent.

The farther you step away from the role as her parent, the closer you get to blowing her skirt up again.

I'm a woman. I know how this works

how about a "superdad" sign instead of a 2x4

Dude.....it is going to be ok.

Can someone send Feb a bandage...I am sure he has gotten to be bleeding something fierce from the concrete 2x4s....

Hey Feb,

No 2x4's.

Could your MIL move in with you and your wife move into her apartment during the in-house seperation?

Just a thought.

Tahiti

Hey, I am in a really dark place right now and Feb-your post brought the first smile to my face today. It tells a lot about a person if he can keep his humor intact through such a situation.

Good Luck

So many times a BS hears advice from all the old timers here (me included when I was new) and all they hear thru their sad and in denial heads is DIVORCE...they see the very worse case scenario. Home gone, kids gone, money gone, marriage gone. What do I do? What do I do?

And we all go into panic mode.

The advice here many many many times is to get tough and get real because it will more then likely SAVE your marriage. But because it is so new the first response of a BS is to try to take the blame, be nicer, somehow think that if we show them what they are missing they will "want" to come back.

Sadly it rarely if ever works. We have seen it over and over and over on here where it did not work. A BS cannot save a marriage all on their own.

But until a BS gets to a point where they are strong enough to do some of the things that are suggested here then they will many times float in a marriage that drips blood every day like water torture until there is nothing left.

Being strong, standing up for what is right, telling someone no, not being treated like a doormat, setting up boundries are all GOOD things. But it is not uncommon to see many new BS's not prepared to take the strong stand to save themselves and their marriage.

That is why we say if they are going to leave, then they are going to do it anyway. Nothing you do or say is going to change that.

realitybites..

Yes yes and yes!

Quick check in as dinner is on and kids are playing nicely...

She e-mailed me back this morning...I am not sure how to properly respond...

you said you werent' giving up...sounds like you are

please, i want to be home with you and the kids right now...you know that....things were just so negative and the trip was already planned and i was going to race so it seemed like a little space was a good thing.

You and the kids are my world....i am not lying or justifying....just confused and disappointed by some parts of our relationship as now you are too...

help...please

I know, no apologies, no I Love Yous, etc. just I want...

I don't want to slam the door in her face, but I don't want to open it and invite her in either....

Back in a few hours...

My instinct is to write something like this...

If you are not lying or justifying, then we can't have a real marriage..that is the sad conclusion that you forced me to come to. I know you love our kids, I'm not sure how you really feel about me.

I'm not giving up, I'm just giving you the opportunity to decide what it is you want and need. I don't think you can figure that out the way we are now...or maybe that is what you want and need, but its unhealthy and unfair (to put it mildly) for me

Feb: I wasn't trying to swing 2x4's. I really really felt my heart breaking for you. You want to be and ARE such a great dad, and want the best for your family and your wife is just not on the same page as you. It hurts me to see you getting walked all over. I also remember being in your shoes (or atleast some similar) and I know that my R did not happen until I started to get tough. I am not saying I am. I still feel fragile and insecure. But, the more secure I get and the more I lay down Boundaries the better my marriage.

I wanted to say something to you about the kids. I totally understand you there. My DD is 12 now. Her best friend/boy friend at school is the OW's son. When I got the call from OW's BS, he was at a friends. I had to go pick up copies of emails. Their 2 kids were there, OW's 2 kids were there and my kids. We kept them outside. BUT, they knew something was going on. Before I knew what was happening, the kids had all come inside for a drink and OW's BS was ranting and my DD put 2 and 2 together. I had to go home and explain to my DD what was going on. I was honest. I didn't know. Daddy made some bad decisions and I had to figure out what to do. I had to figure out if daddy was going to stop making bad choices. The next day, my DD looked her father in the eye and told him she was ashamed of him and didn't know why he didn't love mommy and us anymore. She wanted her daddy to be her daddy and be a good daddy. I truly believe that this is part of what woke up my husband.

Over the summer, we had ups and downs, same this fall and winter. I have been honest with my DD as she knew too much. My son 8 knows a little, just that mommy and daddy had some things to figure out and we didn't agree on some things.

Kids know. No matter the age, they know something is going on. I can tell you that you don't want to put them through the chaos of same house sep. and the affairs, fights, craziness that will entail.

You asked how to kick her ass out?? You pack a few bags, boxes of things she may need and you sit her down when she comes home and tell her that unless she agrees to 1. go no contact

2. give al passwords to all accounts

3. no more rides/trips with OM (affair partners or NOT)

4. work on the marriage

5. any other conditions you have

that she leave. She is free to have her open marriage, and be an adult, but not in the home YOU are raising your children in. At the very least she leave for a few days. Make it clear that your money is going towards raising the kids, she needs to support herself as you are not supporting her whoring around. If she refuses to leave, I honestly think I would go find an apartment and move with the kids.

I am so sorry you are facing this. I don't mean 2x4s. It is so hard to see it when you are in the middle of it.

Unless something happens, honey, she isn't going to change. She is self absorbed right now. I am so sorry.

I don't want to slam the door in her face

No, you don't because you'd like to R which is good and fine.

But you don't have to answer everything, do you? I mean, not everything deserves a reply. Because everytime you reply to her texts you reaffirm her sense of having the upper hand. As long as she knows she can engage you, she doesn't have to feel remorse or offer apologies or think about why she should offer apologies.

This is a game of chess and I know that you don't want to play it.

The rest of your moves should all be moves that convince her that you're detaching...even if you have to fake it!! I know it's going to feel counterintuitive to R but it's what you have to do to acheive R.

help...please

If you must reply to her then IMO it should be limited to this:

"I'm tired of helping you."

Nothing more and nothing less.

Make her uncomfortable.

you said you werent' giving up...sounds like you are

please, i want to be home with you and the kids right now...you know that....things were just so negative and the trip was already planned and i was going to race so it seemed like a little space was a good thing.

You and the kids are my world....i am not lying or justifying....just confused and disappointed by some parts of our relationship as now you are too...

help...please

Horseshit!!! I almost threw up when I read her response. IMO, you should go dark....no more emails, phone calls, etc.

Stop being Mr. Nice guy!!! She has zero respect for you as a MAN!!

I know you love our kids, I'm not sure how you really feel about me.

You know that she loves her kids?

When she was fucking OM and jeopardizing the emotional wellbeing and stability of your children, was she loving them??

Do parents have a love button for their children that they feel entitled to turn on and off at will??

I DIDN'T have an A BECAUSE I love my children.

I didn't have an A because I love my children so much that I'd do anything to protect them.

When my WH and his MOW pointed a gun at my children and pulled the trigger, I stood in front of them and took the bullet by agreeing to let him come home...because I love my children.

Even if you think she loves her children it's certainly not at a level that they deserve. It would be a big mistake to let her think otherwise.

[This message edited by Rise And Shine at 3:31 PM, March 28th (Monday)]

At the very least, don't answer right now. Make her stew and think about it. IF you must, go with the answer that RiseandShine gave you. Short and to the point. She DEF. needs IC. I would make a list of must's. I don't think she will agree to them and if she does, I don't think she will follow them. But if you are determined to try to R, then you need to type our your list of requirements to not file. and state it like that. My list of Requirements to not file for Divorce are:

1. NC

2. IC

3. etc... like I gave in the other post. and others have given. She agrees if she wants to try. If she refuses ANY of the points, she is not willing to save or try for her marriage.

I am sorry.

This is a game of chess and I know that you don't want to play it.

I agree, Feb......

She "checked".....your move...(checkmate???).

Bufffalo