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First post on your thread, but I have been following your story. Your WW is likely to come back and blameshift, tell you she was going to reconcile, but now that you have exposed she has changed her mind etc. Prepare for a series of tantrums because she now has to deal with consequences of her actions. Ignore her. One of the things I learned from SI that helped me the most was to respond to her with "I'm sorry you feel that way". Put it in your arsenal as it tends to shut them down. Pulling for you and you've done good.

I'm expecting this. Luckily, I have reached a point where I can look her in the eye and say, "OK, we can get divorced." It's not what i want, but what I want may be impossible.

Deep down, I feel that R is still possible. Her fantasy world has been shattered, and she may come out of the fog. I don't expect it to start tomorrow though.

When I told the OBS, I said to him....if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't want to be the only one not in the know. Now it is out in the open.

Everyone is going to feel raw emotion right now. And that is ok. Just be gentle to yourself....it may not feel like you did the right thing because the aftermath is so intense....but you really did the right thing.

Both OBS and the S of OBS2 have thanked me for doing it, and told me that they knew how hard it was. The aftermath is intense. My W's world has really and truly been shattered, and I feel empty over that, no pleasure at all. I do feel that it is warranted, that she understand the implications of her actions, but I can tell she's feeling just as bad as i did in the days after D-Day, the difference being that there is hatred for her out there among people who used to lie and accept her.

No matter what happens to us, she still needs to be a good mommy. I'm not sure who she can turn to for help. I will suggest IC.

Squiffle: I am sorry that she is feeling that she has ruined her life. Her last e-mail to me was wrought with emotion about the 7 children involved...she gets it now, and is feeling like I imagine I would if I had done something so despicable...BUT I am not sorry that I told the OBS. i know the difference, don't worry

I believe that the trip is ending a day early. I have apologized to TP1 for that by email. Our van is sitting in the driveway of OBS's sister's house. WW may be coming home with someone else from the group...I thought I might get to make a 50km bike ride to go get the van on Sunday, but I think H of S of OBS will beat me to it, and drive our van to us and then ride home himself.

The only path to R'ing a M that's worth a damn is the path that holds your wife accountable for her actions.

No doubt. Rise and shine hits the nail on the head. The consequences are the only possible way to give the Wayward mind an opportunity to shake the FOG of asshattery.

I unlike most here would not dignify your wife with a response to any questions that start with or end with any statements about what YOU did. Have your list for R. Hand it to her so she can read it. Anything else is unnecessary. The “I am sorry you feel that way” thing is OK. But for me complete and total silence, with clear non-stop eye contact said all I needed to when the blame shift was in the room. After she realizes you’re not going to engage her in blame shifting she will sit down and have a conversation about HER and the future if there is one. She dropped an atomic bomb on her own life, anyone who would do this is very broken. You don’t have the ability to fix her brokenness, she does. Read the thread in wayward by Facing the light she says it all. Speaks right to the devastation right here:

Consequences... that's what we are suffering for our actions... we KNEW what we were doing was wrong... why was it so easy to do... why are these consequences so fucking hard to swallow??? It's not like I didn't know what I was doing was wrong on EVERY level, so why can't I just accept these consequences? I know they are necessary as a part of the healing and growing and I am completely resolved to do ANYTHING it takes to start anew, but it is so bitter and incredibly difficult to accept.

But the difference is here she is attempting to accept responsibility for her decisions not blameshift them to you. I hope your WW gets there, but that’s up to her. In the mean time keep up the detachment and prepare for the 5 year old infant that’s coming home to throw a tantrum. You just took her boy toy’s away, the only way she had to soothe herself from the hate and contempt she feels for herself and her brokenness.

You know the serenity prayer? I said it out loud hourly for three weeks. Accept the things you can not change. Prayers of peace and serenity to you Feb.

LHAP

?

I just have to ask... is the OM hated as well? Because he did this too!!!

OBS said she felt like punching him in the face when he came home and asked if I wanted to too.

I told her that I did, but that I might have a child custody battle in my future, and didn't need an assualt charge.

She was also livid when she found out that he had told me by email a month ago that he knew that he needed to tell her and that he would do so when the time was right. "what a f---g coward, making you do this."

I tell you, I was so impressed by her composure and strength...

OBS1 also is mad as hell at her H.

I'm not as angry as I used to be, but mine is equally shared among all the participants (actually, quite a bit less for OM1 than the other two)

Feb,

I am sorry that she is feeling that she has ruined her life.

Don't be sorry. This isn't about vengeance; it's about growth. The pain your WW is hopefully experiencing right now is the only thing that can possibly help her get healthy again. It is the direct consequence of her actions, which were horrendous. She has to suffer horrendous consequences in order to understand the magnitude of what she's done, to truly regret it, and to give her the motivation and stamina to work toward being a different kind of person.

This kind of suffering is a gift. WSs who have successfully reconciled know its value. Your WW may not appreciate it, but it's her only chance.

Don't be sorry. This isn't about vengeance; it's about growth. The pain your WW is hopefully experiencing right now is the only thing that can possibly help her get healthy again. It is the direct consequence of her actions, which were horrendous. She has to suffer horrendous consequences in order to understand the magnitude of what she's done, to truly regret it, and to give her the motivation and stamina to work toward being a different kind of person.

This kind of suffering is a gift. WSs who have successfully reconciled know its value. Your WW may not appreciate it, but it's her only chance.

Sherman couldn't be more on point with this.

Feb, I am sure that you want your WW to be a good person again in the future....married to you or not.

But she doesn't have a chance unless she reaches the bottom---and has to work her way back up to the top. It is just the way it is.

I hope she hits bottom sooner than later...for the good of all involved.

Feb, please please please do the following if you haven't already.

1) Let MIL know what is going on. At 79 and ill, she should not be blind here.

2) Forget the bike ride and go to the bank. Freeze your accounts. You only have today to do that.

3) Freeze your credit cards.

4) If you must stay home to be there when she comes rolling in (see below) then at least have the kids out of the house, with a relative for the weekend.

5) The better way would be for her to come home to an empty house. Leave a note saying that you and the kids are with your relatives. She will have a scenario all figured out about the way she is going to handle you (I can't say whether histrionics, accusations or what, but trust me she will have a plan worked out). Let her bubble burst and let her try to manipulate the 4 walls.

6) Get a VAR and be prepared to use it.

7) Make an appointment for her with an IC. She may not take advantage, but at least it shows you are doing the right thing.

8) Remove any implements of self destruction from the house - pills, booze, guns, whatever.

9) Have a type written list of your feelings about what she has done (use some of the posts here on this thread) and make sure she understands how you feel about her actions and statements. Go back to my snarky option H. Isn't that in the end the bottom line for you. Accompany that with a road map for her to find her way back if she chooses to take that role. Use the tips in the healing library.

10) Do not under any circumstances sympathize with her. If you ever have a time to go hard 180, this is it. Tell her you have no interest in hearing about her self pity.

11) Make sure she understands that D is definitely your plan and that she can earn her way back, but under no conditions will you accept an open marriage. She needs to understand that not only are you contemplating D, you are perfectly accepting that that is the most likely finish here.

12) If and when the blameshifting begins, tell her you are not going to listen. Refuse to go there. Tell her that you are not going to listen to a laundry list of your shortcomings. She needs to face reality.

13) In no way should you cover for her, intercept the wrath of others for her, or make what is going to happen easier. She needs a full on dose of reality.

14) When she tells you she thinks you only wanted to hurt her, tell her that you only wanted to save your self respect. You are reclaiming your life. If she does not want to be a part of it, so be it.

You have only one shot at this, so....

Endeavor to persevere!

longsadstory...

You mean telling the OBS was the easy part?

Thank you for that list. Hockey is over for this year, so there's no reason i couldn't take the kids to visit my mom for a day. I will read all 14 points again. (and again).

After all the events of the last 2-3 days, I was hoping to just relax, but i guess not...

Feb, you crack me up. Glad to see you can keep you sense of humor. you are gonna be alright.

Ditto what longsadstory1952 said.

but I can tell she's feeling just as bad as i did in the days after D-Day

You gotta not go there. No she doesn't feel as bad. Here's the difference, Feb. You are an INNOCENT. She betrayed you. She fucked over her family and played a dangerous game of chicken with everyone's well-being, including other families -- to get her rocks off and feel like SupersexomaticsuperfreakSupergirl.

No sympathy for her. NONE. As others have said, now is the time for detachment and hard 180. You don't throw yourself on her grenades. She pulled the pin, not you.

She will sniff out that sympathy -- your receptiveness to her poor, poor her routine. How she suffers. And she will PLAY you with it.

Your job is not to give her an in. Door shut. List of demands, if you want. But no owning her shit for her. No poor sausage theatrics.

Empathy is a good thing, but you can't afford to have any around a manipulator. And IMO your WW is a total remorseless manipulator until she's a long, long way into IC and some sort of spiritual overhaul.

Which, frankly, I don't think she is capable of. But I understand hope is hard to kill.

Hide that hope. Don't let her play you.

[This message edited by squiffle at 9:58 AM, April 1st (Friday)]

Hide that hope. Don't let her play you.

Yep.

She may be on the path to 'owning her shit' but she has in no way shape or form done anything yet. Don't give her credit until it is due. And even then keep your skepticism. She knows you love her and she will use that. Even now. Even as the thaw may be beginning in her.

Do not do the "fast forgive" and jump in to protect her.

Dear Feb,

Have been reading this post, and I agree with others. When she gets back, you need to be hard core. The last thing you want is for her to be a cake eater with false R. My FWH did this, and even after more than a year, I have such anguish, as it is a double betrayal (in my profile). He did find his way back and we are in R, but oh my God, the damage!

Sending you strength. The 180 is your friend until you see a drastic change in her. Swallow your empathy, I have had to do that too, and have not done that very well, but right now is the most crucial time. Show her that you will be just fine without her. You are doing great!

She's going to ask you about the timing.

Don't engage unless it's about kids, R or D/S. You have nothing to explain.

The news has travelled through the group like a tsunami, and she is now hated by many.

This reaction is directly related to HER actions, not your being the messenger. She needs to own that her behavior caused this.

Her last e-mail to me was wrought with emotion about the 7 children involved..

And why didn't she think of those 7 children and stop BEFORE initiating inappropriate behavior with these men? You need to turn this back on her. It is her behavior that is responsible. Your informing the OBS was not revenge but an act of consideration. We all deserve to know the truth.

Yes your wife may be embarrassed, she may feel like she is wearing the scarlet letter, but these are consequences of her actions. Until she owns that, she will never heal for herself or your family.

The ball is in her court. Stand strong, you are fighting for your marriage. She will either start to get that or she will be a lost cause.

I know you want to R, but now is not the time to minimize what she has done. You can't ease her pain and sweep it under the rug at your expense or you will be repeating this in your future.

[This message edited by momentintime at 11:05 AM, April 1st (Friday)]

....one more thing. Feb, I know you have empathy for her pain, but until she truly has empathy for YOUR pain you will be spinning your wheels on R.

This is one time you can not make it all better for her.

[This message edited by momentintime at 11:06 AM, April 1st (Friday)]

I really like longsadstory's list. I will be using many of them (a couple I will skip, and a few I have done or don't need to)..but 10-12, those are vital...I know.

Just a comment...I am telling you here on SI that I feel real pain and sympathy for the woman I have been married to for almost 11 years because I know I can't tell her. I do know that. Don't worry. I am a different and much stronger man than the one who was cheated on, or the one who didn't know what to do about it in the first few weeks. I can see that I would be fine without her if it comes to that.

I will be re-reading page 22 several times before she gets back...I think they are already on their way, that they have cut the trip short.

I think all four of them have cut the trip short as a result of this...that TP1 is now driving back on his own, adn will deliver our van later, and that my WW is now getting a ride back from the other two who will likely have to lengthen their return trip to accomodate dropping my WW off at "home". That's more people negatively affected who will not be pleased with her...

Feb,

I don‘t think a single veteran here on SI has advised against exposure.

I don’t recall a single poster telling you that exposure would be easy.

I don’t recall a single poster telling you to expect your WW to be happy about exposure.

I don’t think a single veteran here will tell you that your marriage will end because you exposed.

I only recall ONE SINGLE case over the years I have been here where the WS was calm and accepted the BS need to expose. It’s the same case as the SINGLE CASE where the WS didn’t threaten that exposure ruined the last chance of reconciliation.

If you don’t want to reconcile then her threats are empty words.

If exposure is really the straw that makes R impossible for her then I venture ANY attempt at reconciliation was doomed. Look at the scales: On one side you have her having sex with OM. On the other side you have Feb letting the OMW know. No way you can find any balance if that’s what tipped her over.

If you do want to reconcile then I can also tell you that of all the hundreds (if not thousands) of cases I have seen here on SI then IF you stand firm on your stance that reconciliation requires she adheres to the conditions you set then exposure greatly enhances any chance of R. Basically Feb this is simple negotiations: She wants that red Ferrari but you know that there is NO WAY you can afford it.

When she starts about how this was unnecessary and all that then stick to the script: “I am sorry you feel that way”. DO NOT feed the drama. Don’t justify, explain, rationalize… Simply say exposure had to be done and “I am sorry you feel that way”. And then stick to the simple logic:

Are you saying R isn’t possible because I exposed? Please answer with a yes or no.

If no then let’s get the divorce over ASAP. I want OUT of infidelity.

--------------------------

A short note on the future IF you reconcile: Feb – the break-up of the group is inevitable. Whatever “friends” she loses over this issue and whatever judgment people pass on her is really of no consequence in the long run. Some will detach, others will support. Hopefully no one will condone her actions. Just wait and see – for the next two weeks this will be the hot topic. Then whatever celebrity screws up, politician steals, neighbor beats his wife - whatever the new hot topic is – will replace your WW as the topic of choice. The long-lasting effects of exposure outside your marriage and a relatively small circle tends to be vastly overestimated

Bigger is very very wise.

I am a different and much stronger man than the one who was cheated on, or the one who didn't know what to do about it in the first few weeks. I can see that I would be fine without her if it comes to that.

Yes! you are! The fact that you no longer want to be married to your WW solves this issue Bigger articulates here

If you don’t want to reconcile then her threats are empty words.

If exposure is really the straw that makes R impossible for her then I venture ANY attempt at reconciliation was doomed. Look at the scales: On one side you have her having sex with OM. On the other side you have Feb letting the OMW know. No way you can find any balance if that’s what tipped her over.

Can I say I just love Bigger! He is such a big help to us all. I want to champion this comment here.

If you do want to reconcile then I can also tell you that of all the hundreds (if not thousands) of cases I have seen here on SI then IF you stand firm on your stance that reconciliation requires she adheres to the conditions you set then exposure greatly enhances any chance of R.

Yes this is why Gardenmom and I have started a few days ago bringing it up. Knowing the criteria you want her to meet and not wavering is important. You should outline the consequences for violations as well. I can say for me, it has lead to an opportunity at R. Only 10 months since DDay but she has meet every criteria I laid out in spades. She has demonstrated with her actions, not words she wants the marriage. It’s unfortunate they put us in the position of having to articulate our expectations so emphatically, but it’s the only way they get it.

Feb, you are a different man, you have no idea how much truth is in that statement. You will never be the same man again, but thats further down the road.

LHAP

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 11:48 AM, April 1st (Friday)]

Glad to see you on this thread again bigger.

If my exposure of her A kills R, then there wasn't really going to be a R in the first place. I know that. I'm also fully expectig her to say the opposite.

So many great posts to read and re-read before she gets back (whenever that is)

Feb.

man hug brother, with the back pat and all.

You did the right thing. Bigger is right. The rest of the world forgets infidelity beyond their own lives in a millisecond. Those friends who really matter to the marriage will still be around.

Get the voice activated recorder. I cannot stress this enough. GET A VAR. I know it may seem overkill or unlikely or whatever... but I can tell you it is not. Protect yourself and your relationship with the children. There is no telling what she will do now that the fantasy world has been exposed. Trust me on this.

Hold your head high. You have done an excellent service to the other betrayed spouses. And, although it doesn't feel like it so much now, a tremendous service to yourself and your own healing.

Be well, brother. Stay safe and protect yourself.

Q