SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

C: your secret is killing me.

This is starting to sound like a come on to me.

C: your secret is killing me.

This is starting to sound like a come on to me.

-the nighty is not new, I've seen it before but extremely rarely. She usually wears sweats to bed at home, 99.9%. It's somewhat see-through throughout, and basically transparent over the cleavage/top of the breast area. The last I saw it on her was when we were trying to conceive years ago, I think.

OMG! CO, you certainly have more patience than me. My wife is also strictly a sweats woman. There can be no explanation for bringing the special Let's-make-love see thru nighty on a BUSINESS trip!!! There's no way she can say that she wore it for you that's for sure. I would have been raging!

This coupled with the steamy emails, geez. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....

Please lawyer up before confrontation.

Onions - I would have to say that you already have concrete evidence of a PA. This is it. NOBODY writes an email like that to a friend, even flirtatiously. They both sound as if they are trying very hard to be coy in their writings to each other, being very careful not to explicitly say what they want/plan/have already done to each other.

Sadly, despite its sexually charged subject, it's not concrete evidence of a PA. It's evidence of an EA at the least. Yes, their emails are always coy, and skirt around the blatant.

Okay, these latest revelations of past emails have MY blood boiling, I can just imagine what your's is doing. And your patience is incredible, believe me. I, on the other hand, tend to work off of emotion and then evaluate, not the greatest attribute but it's mine.

Yeah, if I ever had a need to feel really sad, all I would have to do is go and read this crap. I really try not to. It's betrayal sine qua non. My patience does wear thin, often. Many of you think I'm full of fortitude, patience, and restraint, but in truth I'm broken. Stuck between wanting to confront with circumstantial evidence (and the negative consequences of that) and waiting it out for a breakthrough. Sometimes I think about these messages when I'm around her and I have to stop myself from blurting out a quote from these. She would probably turn white.

My question is this: If this situation goes south fast are you ready for the consequences?

Well, I do have some ducks to get in a row, in case of "the worst case". When the time comes, the hammer is going to come down hard on WW and OM (and sadly, OM's BW). It will very hopefully happen at the time of my choosing when I'm über-prepared for it. I don't think things are likely to go south fast, unless I make it happen. I'm starting to think that she's much less aware of what's going on behind the scenes, and that she feels her secret is relatively safe. If she's suspicious, she probably only thinks I suspect about recent things, like since her trip, none of which is very incriminating. I very much doubt she knows I have a ton of interactions between them.

C: your secret is killing me.

This is starting to sound like a come on to me.

Not sure I understand you.

I'm trying to think of any possible situation where it would be appropriate to give your boss a sexually-charged DVD for Christmas. And then send him an e-mail that says "Many kisses for a wonderful Holiday season. XXX" And he says he will bring it to her "next time" so she can see the whole thing? I'm also trying to think of a reason to bring a sexy nightie on a business trip when sweats are the norm at home.

Sorry - I've got nothing.

I think the poster means that your wife is encouraging this!!

OMG! CO, you certainly have more patience than me. My wife is also strictly a sweats woman. There can be no explanation for bringing the special Let's-make-love see thru nighty on a BUSINESS trip!!! There's no way she can say that she wore it for you that's for sure. I would have been raging!

This coupled with the steamy emails, geez. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....

Yea, quack quack. Believe me, I am raging. Even without the lab test or other logistical details, I'm highly suspicious that something went on during that trip. I'm so pissed at myself for not tracking her luggage and other trip details before.

Please lawyer up before confrontation.

On my list. Thank you.

I'm trying to think of any possible situation where it would be appropriate to give your boss a sexually-charged DVD for Christmas. And then send him an e-mail that says "Many kisses for a wonderful Holiday season. XXX" And he says he will bring it to her "next time" so she can see the whole thing? I'm also trying to think of a reason to bring a sexy nightie on a business trip when sweats are the norm at home.

Sorry - I've got nothing.

FWIW, he's not her boss, not directly, but no matter. I've got nothing either. I can't wait to hear her answer for that one. Thanks for your input.

Bigger wrote:

I know that suggesting this on SI is akin to posting a pork recipe on a kosher food site but I learned as a cop that SOMETIMES the reason you don’t find what you are looking for can be because you are not looking for the right thing.

WW: True..But I have gone through phases of changing tastes..Haven't you? Inhibitions are tough..It would be wonderful to leave them all behind.

OM: And what have been your tastes? And current ones?

WW: Ok I'll tell you one main change..it used to be strictly boys but lately it has been girls too..

Girls too???? I think Bigger is on to something......about not looking "in the right place". Maybe OW??? It would explain alot.....don't you think?

Toby...nail, meet hammer. That's a whole new can of worms. I don't have any emails suggestive of inappropriate behavior with an OW, but it sure throws a wrench into things (sorry for the hardware tool references) as far as snooping goes. I've been keeping my eye on that, but it's far easier to cheat with a same sex person and get away with it.

but it's far easier to cheat with a same sex person and get away with it.

I agree.....no semen, no condoms, etc......maybe some blood/discharge because of some rough "toy play".

Question.....Did your WW take any pictures during these business trips?

Videos?

Even if you never get concrete proof of a PA,the nightie that she hasn't worn for you in years,yet took on a BUSINESS trip proves intent.

I don't know how you're maintaining your cool. You have my complete admiration.

Okay....just read the last few posts and something jumped out at me.

"girls" Could it be OW disguised as OM?

I found my OW under a man's name in his phone contacts.

BIGGER....Just might be on to something after all...

If all is not what it seems, maybe it is something else!!

Oh my..well, in any case, hold yourself together, give yourself a break. Just when you stop and take a break, you will see, hear, stumble on something. It will come to you!!

Palerider,

"The cuckolding of Mr.Mom" is one of the recurrent themes here. Also in the general media and among those who study so-called "evolutionary psychology." Sorry about that, but it's all pretty textbook."

Is this also true about what is done to SAHM? My husband supposedly never had an affair before this one and it coincidentally happens now that I am a SAHM! This thought has occurred to me before. I haven't read anything saying that affairs happen more often in marriages where the wife stays home. I asked my husband whether or not he thought I was just going to put up with an affair because I don't work anymore. He said no, he never thought that for one minute. It makes me wonder though.

Onions,

It's starting to sound to me like you can probably put a tail on your wife on any trip she takes away from home and hit paydirt of some sort.

As far as her new interest in girls, I try to keep up with the literature and the last numbers I saw said women were over twice as likely as men to have same sex over the course of a lifetime. The exact opposite of what Kinsey claimed in his reports 50 years ago. Also, a hefty percentage of women seem to move back and forth on a bisexual scale. Google NYTimes "what do women want" for a reasonable current review of the research.

Disclaimer: The views expressed below are those of the poster (me) and are made without any real evidence only gut feelings after reading all of your posts. There are also not based on actual events that may or may not have taken place.

Okay now that I got that out of the way. Please correct me if I’m wrong or out of line here but I think you’re in denial. I think you’re afraid to face the reality that your wife may have broken her vows and your life as you know it may change forever. You seem to be avoiding the confrontation altogether and are looking for a way to make it seem like the things she has done are explainable in one way or another. I hope I’m wrong but after reading the conversations you posted between her and the OM I would have all my ducks lined up and ready to do battle.

Best of luck to you. I hope you can find a happy ending to all of this. I really mean that. I have been through hell the past 6 months and wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Chopping: I admire your patience. It will pay off to wait, watch, and get clear, irrefutable evidence. I couldn't do it myself, but it is absolutely to your advantage if you have that kind of patience and restraint.

I don't think you're in denial at all, unlike the previous post suggests. I get the impression you are incredibly smart and strategic, and it will serve you very well when all the facts rise to the surface.

Many of us jump the gun in our anger and pain, confront the wayward in our confusion and disbelief, and then spend months and years trying to piece together fragments of truth into something that makes sense. If you can bide your time and have clear, undeniable proof of the truth before the atomic bomb of confrontation takes place, you are well ahead of the game. And frankly, I think it improves your chances of reconciliation, if that is your wish, because you circumvent the months and years of searching and pleading for the truth.

Well done and take care of yourself...

The previous poster is right that confronting without rock-solid proof may well lead to a long time piecing together details. But in the meantime you know what's going on and you're doing nothing to stop it. And I suspect that, at least in my case, my suspicion made me less than a great husband, further fueling her own justification for her infidelity. Indeed at one point she told her OM that our marriage was essentially over, giving them both the justification they needed to keep it going.

I also think you have enough that it's undeniable, not that she won't deny anyway. But even if you catch her, she'll deny everything else she can anyway. You'll still likely be stuck with trickle truth. The only way to stop it is to confront it. The subsequent rollercoaster sucks, horribly, but how long can you keep up with what you're doing now?

Just some thoughts. I don't pretend to know what I'm doing. I just know that, for me, stopping the affair was preferable to letting it contnue just so I could catch her with better proof.

The only problem I see with this approach is that your life is on hold now. You just lost one month of your live where you couldn't be as intimate as possible with your W. Also, you are delaying the start of R.

Of course, it's a tough situation. Maybe you would have TT instead of real R which would suck more.