SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry things turned out the way they did CO.

I wanted to touch on something I mentioned way earlier in the thread now that you know your wife is/has been cheating on you.

Trust is a choice. Love is a choice. It's a gift given to someone who has earned it. But it's not about them, it's about you...giving it.

You need to think long and hard about whether or not you will ever be able to TRULY give these gifts back to your wife. Regardless of polygraph tests, tearful confession, etc.

You need to understand the difficulty you are going to have in ever trusting your wife again. This will be your hardest challenge now and even years down the road.

Life and marriage can go on without trust, it's replaced with an "understanding". But consider to yourself right now, when do you plan to stop the surveillance? When do you put the microscope away? When are you prepared to let your wife have her life back to live on her own terms and not yours?

When will enough information be enough? When will you stop being her warden and become her husband again?

This is important for you to think about because believe me you have begun a journey along the razor's edge of a very powerful emotion called...resentment. And that door can swing both ways in an instant.

Do what you have to do to get through these months of initial shock and discovery, but please try to keep in mind and prepare yourself for the internal challenge you will be facing for a long time to come.

Chopping Onions - I'm only about 1/5 of the way through this thread, but I really appreciate your willingness to share your journey. I'm so sorry for all you are going through and my heart goes out to you and your little one.

Shadowboxer - that last post was a great reminder for someone like me who's wounds are very fresh. I feel like there will be some little bit of evidence that will set my mind at ease or kill the pain all together, but you're right - eventually letting go will have to come from inside myself.

Thanks to you both!

CO, wondering how you are doing and how the mc went. I will be going to our first mc appt next week and want to compare notes.

Also wanted to bump for other newbie benefit.

Shadowboxer has given me a lot to think about, and i am curious for your response to that too.

Hang in there. You are doing so well.

First MC session was yesterday. I think it went well, no big surprises. I told my story, and WW then added in her perspective, which in total took most of the hour. A few tears from WW. MC mostly listened (a good thing), offered a few starting suggestions (like getting a babysitter and spending more time with just each other -- something we almost never do), and recommended IC for the both of us. Obviously, rebuilding trust is going to be the major focal point (I hear ya, Shadowboxer).

We both felt this was a positive first step. We're going to continue MC weekly for now.

Thankfully, I think she never had any significant emotional attachment to any of these OM. I think it's going to make R much easier than if it had been otherwise. I do read a lot here, and I know how bad it can get.

Shadowboxer, I appreciate your follow-up comments. You have a lot of good points. Time will tell. Trust will certainly be the biggest issue, and she knows this in spades. She's working very hard to earn it, but it's not going come very easily to me. I can see how resentment could come into the picture for some, although I don't see it as a big issue for us at this point (barring any new bombshells that I'm not aware of). My gut tells me that I've got a pretty good idea the extent of her past waywardness. Hopefully the polygraph will support that.

She continues to be open, which is no less that what I can ask for. As long as that openness remains, I hopefully will come to the point where I don't have to keep tabs on everything.

(((CO)))

That blind trust is hard at this point I know. Hopefully she has not left anything out there that should of been disclosed.

Glad all is going well doll.

It can work and yes I think the lack of Emotional connection is a plus..

bump for the newbies that need help in confronting

How's it going CO?

Have the STD testing and Poly been done?

Our house has been a revolving door of visitors this summer, so I haven't had much time to post.

Things are going pretty well, I'd say. She's been very open about her activities, rare work related interactions with OM#1 (strictly business), and so on.

We've had two MC sessions so far, which were very productive.

I still have my down days, wishing this never occurred. That's expected, I guess. She's pretty good at sensing it and she gives me my space, and she gives me a break on the parenting side of things. I'm working on getting back to employed life.

I still want the poly for my peace of mind. The problem is finding the time between her schedule and the revolving door of relatives lately.

Thanks everyone again for the great support here.

CO

Good CO

Nice to see she is being sensitive to you, however;

I still want the poly for my peace of mind. The problem is finding the time between her schedule and the revolving door of relatives lately.

Given that during her A she would have put a lot of effort into being with OM, don't you think she should put MORE effort into helping you?

If she really wanted to she could make time to see the poly examiner.

If you make an appt for late next week and tell her now then that is plenty of advance notice to work around this urgent matter.

All schedules can be altered if it is important enough. .

After all, her marriage and YOU are more important to her aren't they?

If you had a sick child, would she alter her schedule then? Or not? What do you think her priorities should be here?

I know what I think CO, her schedule and work rank near the bottom mate.

Be interesting for you to see what priority you are to her.

PR

CO - I am glad things are going well enough, but I have to say that I am disappointed each time I check this thread and you say you still want the poly, but haven't found the time. If you still want it, GET IT DONE. I worry that you have let her lull you into a sense of security and that she hopes you are going to forego the poly so as not to rock the boat. This is important, you and she should be making it a priority.

CO,

I'm going to throw a 2 x 4 at you. Sorry.

You were a model of investigation and no doubt you did things "in your own time." But there is no legitimate reason for you to have not done this polygraph yet except that you just aren't ready for it. I'm sorry but I don't buy that you dont have time for it. I totally GET that it is the ultimately showdown between you and your wife. Maybe subconsciously you are afraid of what it will mean or what she will say. Maybe in the end, you just can't face it. I totally get that because reconciliation is going so well in your mind. But... that you don't have time? sorry.

If your wife had cancer? You would have time to go to the Dr. Infidelity is a cancer in your marriage and your life. Finding the truth is the "treatment" you ultimately need to heal. If you want to get better, you need to make time.

Spoken with affection

Spirit

CO, I didn't want to do so, but, I too am casting a 2x4 your way...

After the original Dday, WH was extremely remorseful for some time, did everything right, went to MC religiously for several months, etc. Life was seeming to return to normal (our normal is extremely busy with three kids), then he began to seek ways to get out of MC, and just as I thought we were turning a good corner, BAM!!! Dday #2. Turns out he had fallen back into communicating with OW and I had NO IDEA.

I just want you to know that many (certainly not all) WS are not in any hurry to divulge the truth and will, in fact, try and go about life as usual to either move on...or move the affair further underground. It is ASTOUNDING what they are capable of (EVEN when we think we have every avenue under constant surveillance).

Be careful, be wary, keep checking and get the poly.

I think you and I are in the same boat with the Poly. We have a fresh and bright new start with our fWWs. Sub-conciously we fear that the poly will open that door again. What if there is more...what if is too much to take. Can we live with the unknown if we have the woman of our dreams for life?

Co, i hope you are hanging in there and i wish you well. You have been an inspiration for me. I have a keylogger, a var, and phone logging in place now and it gives me great peace of mind. I wish i had it in place before and after confrontation, but it is what it is.

I have to agree, if the poly is that important to you she should have taken the initiative on that. My wh has jumped through hoops - std tests, mc, sa evaluation, compiling all the financials, agreeing to a post nup, etc without hesitation. He said he would do a poly if i wanted, but i think it is too expensive and not reliable enough to use on a potential sa who may be convinced something is the truth.

I just dont want to see you get further hurt. You and I, with repeat offending wandering spouses, are at very great risk at being betrayed again. Are you continuing survelliance? Is she actively showing remorse daily? Is she otherwise making you feel like repairing the marriage is a priority?

I hope she is. She has been given a great gift in a second chance.

bumping for newbies

This is my first post. My EA D-Day was Aug-3-2010. On Feb-5-11 I found out it was a PA and that it had been going on sinse sometime in 2007. The typical "I can't remember exactly when it started" ww response. We have been working on R, but as you can probably tell by my screen name, I don't believe that I have the whole truth. Long story but very, very similar to yours. You have been a trmendous resource and help to my situation.

I am considering a poly so that I can have peace of mind and start to truly heal. I was wondering if you have completed your polygraph as of yet and your thoughts about the process/results.

Thank you for your posting your story. I hope all is well.

twt

How's it going CO? Hope all is well.

bumping

My God... STD tests, semen tests, VARs. Polygraphs, etc.. you spent a lot of time and effort on this to what end though? I would assume the answer is to confirm her cheating and save your marriage somehow.

I also spent time and effort on confirming what I already knew inside about my WW's cheating both to me and her but once I did, I was out. I found out more after the fact and im sure there's a lot more ill never find out but at this point I dont need to. Its over.

But this whole ordeal and the lengths you went to get to this point will always be on your mind. How healthy do you think your marriage can ever be after something like this? She will eventually resent you for putting her on "lock-down" if she doesn't already.

I received the standard crap line from her during the marriage (while she was involved in affairs btw) about how she felt I was acting like her father just because I was questioning her about what I was seeing. Well maybe that was because she was behaving like a 37 year old teenager!

[This message edited by heartbrkn0209 at 12:25 AM, August 26th (Friday)]

Just checking in. I've been away longer than I thought, it seems. Thanks all for the comments, advice, and PM's of encouragement.

Not a whole lot to report event-wise, although the overall picture continues to be one of improvement in terms of our marriage. We've had several MC sessions so far, which have been quite productive for both me and, in particular, her. It seems with the day-to-day grind of life, she had somehow convinced herself that the grass was greener elsewhere. She's also realized that having gotten too far fixated in the "corporate culture", that much of her recent behavior seemed to be related more to a "power/control/impressing other men" fantasy rather than a desire for an outside relationship. After my discovery of her activities, and the subsequent fall-out when I nearly kicked her out, she realized what she was risking. We've had many great discussions, a couple of them tense, but the end-result of these has been quite positive for our relationship. Obviously, my biggest issue going forward is going to be trust, but I do think she's doing all she can to try to earn that.

We have discussed the poly on several occasions. She continues to be very willing (as she has been with all of my requests). There's hardly been a day this summer when we haven't had relatives in the house, so it's simply going to have to wait until things are back to our normal routine. While unlikely, I certainly don't want to chance having any confrontation while outside family is residing here (remember, my Dad was here the last time, and that made dealing with our marriage at the time infinitely more difficult).

At this point, I haven't seen her happier in a long time. She looks forward to coming home and having events with just the family (or just the two of us). She spends very little time away, compared to pre-confrontation. I've kept up my watchful eye, but happily there's nothing to report.

Nothing's ever perfect, but at this point things have definitely come out better than I would have ever expected back in May/June. I think our marriage is stronger now than it's been in a long time.