SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How are you feeling? Just don't bury your pain. It'll rear its ugly head.

Yeah, I get those days. She noticed the other night. We talked about it. She knows to give me some space when it happens. As much as it hurts sometimes, I'm comforted that I seem to have the version of the wife I knew before back in the house.

It could have been SOOOO much worse, and I'm so glad it's not.

I am sooo happy you are having good days!!! I hope you have many to come!

CO you are doing very well considering all that you are going through. I don't want to rain on your parade. Her past behavior is certainly indicative of some sex addiction tendencies. If that IS the case, regular IC and MC won't help. I'm not saying she is a SA. But my fWH and I went to MC for a long time and it was futile. Until the SA realization. Now that he/we are getting specialized care the healing is real.

SA has more to do with the inability to be truly "intimate" with one's spouse or partner and instead they live in a series of fantasy lives. They need this external validation because of brokenness from within...whatever you decide, SI has assistance and advice for all of us. As I see you are offering help to others. Good for you!

I have nothing to offer, I just wanted to post on this mega-thread.

Just wanted to say hang in CO, sounds like things are going better, crossing fingers for you.

These good days are really so important...it gives you something to hold on to when you start having roller coaster days...

I'm happy for you Onions....

Stay the course..

So true about the good days! I wish I had done what you did CO as I might have avoided a lot of hurt from things my WH said when he came home on DD after I confronted him on the phone. I should have waited till he got home for confrontation. I hope this thread is bumped up for future BS who need the advice before DD. I was very much where you are now with reconciliation initially, but then the TT started and he destroyed any little bit of trust I had left. TT seems to be more damaging then the original betrayal as the WS is offered a chance at reconciliation and the BS takes a huge leap of faith going on information they believe to be correct, only to later find out that their WS was still lying to them. I just don't understand the psyche of the WS, which is why I have been doing a lot more reading on the Wayward side. Trying to get that understanding which is what many of us need. However, I even doubt some of what the (some) WS write on the forum is even 100% truthful in the beginning. I know my WS wrote some on here even while still lying to me. I also know he even lied to his therapist. I mean how does he expect to get better if he is lying to his therapist? It boggles my mind.

With that said, I am hopeful that your WW is being 100% truthful right now and that there will be no TT. I remember coming on here and posting my story and getting some feedback that WH was likely not telling me it all. I was scoffing at that originally, thinking I knew best and sure enough it came true. Just went to show me that the BS that have been here for a long time or have gone before the newcomers really know their stuff and really know what the WS's are capable of doing in their need to protect themselves. I don't understand why they would continue to lie or cheat and expect to heal their marriages and themselves, but they do it. I would love to understand that part of it.

So, I am really, really hoping your WW is not like so many who have gone before her. I hope you are going to post about the results of the polygraph. I am still considering one for WH. He set one up for himself to prove to me he is now being 100% honest, but I am so worry that he might fail it and that it isn't because he is lying, but because the test isn't 100% accurate. I told him we were done if he fails. I can't handle a possible failure right now so I am waiting for a bit before I ask him to go forward with it.

You are handling this so well. What I loved about this thread is you listened to everyone's input and used what you needed to use. You listened to your gut most of all but took all advice under advisement. Sounds like you guys may be on the way to recovery. Regardless you are going to be fine!

Hey CO,

Was just wondering how things are going. I hope things are going as well as possible and you're moving forward.

Things are going pretty well, considering. We've been close. We put off talking about A-related things for a few days due to some things in our schedule, but we talked last night again. Tears again. She continues to show remorse and major regret for having done what she did. She's not hiding anything that I can tell from her activities. We went on a date without DD yesterday, which was very nice.

Still have the poly in the plans, not having much luck finding time in our schedule though.

Moving forward feels good.

Hugs, CO.

Here's hoping that you and your wife are on your way to an easy R. So far it sounds good. Most bs's will ride a roller coaster of emotions and SI is the place to get the anti-nausea meds.

It sounds like things are going well. I'm happy for you, and it looks like you're in position to have a successful R.

Don't be too quick to forgive, though. Continue to push for MC, and demand total transparency for as long as it takes for you to reestablish that trust.

Bumping for newbies

This is an amazing thread. I hope all continues to improve for you CO. You definitely have your eyes open.

Thanks for the comments. It's hard to believe that this thread has ballooned into what it is, looking back on things. I guess it's a pretty good chronicle of my experience with infidelity to date.

WW has found a MC for us. She looks promising. First appt. is at the end of the week.

Things are otherwise about the same, although there was one troubling issue I found. Earlier this week, she used her phone to do an online search asking "h*w to tell if y*ur c*mputer has been ha*ked" (sorry for the asterisks, but I don't want this thread to turn up on a search engine if she searches for that phrase again! Countermeasures, countermeasures!).

Maybe she's just curious about my surveillance tactics (or perhaps having computer trouble at work), but obviously it's a bit of a red flag. Going to keep my eye on things, as usual.

Other than that, she seems to be on the straight and narrow. Working on the poly. Was going to try to have it done this week, but the first MC session is going to tie up the free slot. It's going to happen.

CO - I would be very leery of her search.

Shortly after DD- when my H was remorseful, promising it was over, etc. - I found him searching the sames kinds of things regarding phones.

well - as it turned out - they were still talking to each other.

Just a heads up - don't trust her..yet

Good to hear from you, CO.

I hope this keeps moving in a positive direction.

I know all the surveillance and counter-surveillance can be exhausting, but you have to keep yourself as "safe" as you see fit. I hope the poly adds another level of reassurance.

Keep us posted. Like you stated, this is a very educational thread for new members to read. I am assuming that you didn't start out with the intent of being a professor, but that is how many look at you now.

CO, I am so sorry this happened to you. But I am glad you chose to share your story. It has provided me and many other newbies valuable insight and advice. Our circumstances are different but our stories have many parallels, and i am just a few steps behind you, so I am paying close attention so I can learn from you. Good luck with your healing and r for you both.

Yes CO, it’s a redflag of sorts. Might be benign, or might be malignant. My WW did this sort of thing too. She wanted to know how I knew what I knew. It bothered her getting caught. I did make the mistake of telling her how.

So, she learned to avoid using those ways for any privacy both “ok” and “not ok”. (Something she still swears isn’t the case). The ok ones were talking to her support people (uncle and her best friend) and venting about me and my crazies. She didn’t want to rock the boat and set me off. Not good stuff, but understandable and not adulterous. Bothers me that she didn’t tell them why I might be acting insane, just my actions without explanation.... So she got bad advice and used it further damaging the marriage.

The “not ok” is later during the R (like starting 6 months after DD), she had an overwhelming need to “find closure” and talk with her EA partner “who understands me and could let me escape from thinking about my crappy marriage”. So, she broke NC and found new methods to communicate securely with him without my knowledge. Then I caught her.

So, my only real warning is to keep your methods quiet. She’s going to need some time to work on herself, and until she gets sorted out, she’ll have those same weaknesses and is dealing with a much worse marriage than she imagined before that excused her affairs in her mind.

wow man. ive been reading this bohemith thread for like 2 hours just wishing I had shown some of the strength that you did. I think the view of infidelity is different between the sexes and as a man, whom has reluctantly joined the ranks of men reduced to rubble by a selfish woman, I agreed with almost every move you were making. ( please no one misunderstand my words as though im a woman hater or something, I know men are often worse offenders when it comes to selfish behavior. I was sitting here thinking of how much better my "reconciliation" would be going if I had shown your strength. I know it mustn't have been easy to be near her knowing about these lies. You.....sir..... have my respect.