SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you Island.

FWH called the CS department. Evidently the "fee" is for the paternity test, and it must be added to the paperwork, but they "can't charge either parties for it". What?! Charge OW! It SHOULD be her burden to prove who the father of her child is, since she was an unwed/uncommitted mother. Just my opinion.

My biggest fear is that OW ignores the paperwork. If that happens, I will most likely email her (or attempt contact somehow) to call her bluff. And what a HUGE bluff it has been, when she had her wedding she had a "family joining ceremony" with OC and her new husband (the relationship with whom began as yet ANOTHER affair, it is worth mentioning). She made a "wedding website" where she mentioned on every page that "(new baby daddy) will be adopting (OC) immediately after the wedding". Plus, her telling FWH that he wouldn't have to pay CS if he would "let" her new babydaddy/H adopt OC really pissed us both off to know end. My FWH told her "send the paperwork. I'll sign. Just send the paperwork." She doesn't have our address (everything is under our PO Box, and we have filed papers with the courts and CS agency to keep our address from her), so we are making the first move.

It is a double edged sword. While I am so glad OW now has someone to occupy her time, she also gets to be a happy newlywed, which pisses me off. But, she has even more drama now, as her new H had a pregnant fiance when she met him (and got pregnant with her latest OC), so at least I know it's not all rainbows and unicorns. But, it pisses me off to no end that her "have a baby, keep the man" ploy finally worked on someone! Even if we do benefit from it (less OW attention/contact), that tactic should never, ever work in an affair, and it finally did for her, and it makes me sick!!

We hope to be getting a consult this weekend or the next. Can't find one that does free consults here (not for adoption, anyway), but we're trying to keep it cheap.

Wish us luck!

Sage, we got a certified letter with the paternity results.

Ray; good luck in the entangled web of family court. we are still getting screwed at every turn. OW went bsck to work and the court ordered CS increased by 30%.

Island has been giving great advice. Thanks.

Now on to my current issue.

We have regular visitation with OC. He is 2 andhas a delay in his speech. Lately on his visiations he has begun to call me "mama".

I understand as a mother that this hurts. But the OW is taking her anger out on FWH and myself.

So I guess my question is for those who have contact with OC what do they call you? I should note that I have always addressed myself by my first name and never actively encouraged OC to call mne anything else. My daughter is the only one around who calls me mom. Grandson calls me grandma, and FWH calls me honey or by my name. so... what should I do about OC. I haven't really shown any reaction but I am concerned.

Thanks for your input.

Hugs to all

[This message edited by feeling bi polar at 11:16 PM, April 9th (Monday)]

Thank you Island. You are such a weath of information and source of support. We will check into those things. Every time I read the posts here I am struck by what strong and wonderful women we are. Here is to us today!

FBP

IMO the OC is so young and looks at you as a mother figure so if it doesn't bother you then I would let him call you mama. You are a mama to him. I plan to let OC call me Mama if she wants to.I realize the OC's have another mother but when the OW slept with our partners and had OC they chose us to be co-parents.

So I haven't posted in awhile. WH and I moved back in together. It is nice to have my family back in one place. I am also almost 4 months pregnant. That was a huge shock. WH is very excited.

He has had two appts. scheduled with the CS office and the Whore has canceled both. He has another one at the end of the month. We are hoping to get this done and out of the way. Paternity and visitation will be determined. We believe this is why she keeps RS so we don't get any visitation. She wants complete control. Sorry not gonna happen.

Hope everyone had a Blessed Easter. Hugs to you all

[This message edited by tryingtosmile at 11:02 AM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

Thank you. I guess he really did get the results. So much has happened in just a matter of weeks. He's been going to see his child and her. He says he doesn't know what he wants, really who he wants. After 6 years, our memories, building a life, having a beautiful daughter, and me forgiving the cheating this trashy older woman who is unemployed, divorced w/ 3 kids living at her parents.. he doesn't know who to choose? It breaks my heart and I have given him a deadline to choose and his answer was I still don't know. I'm not going to do this to myself. I'm wonderful and my daughter is all that I care about now. They can go live happliy ever after, I'll wait a month or two and know he will regret his decision and it will make me happy. I hate them both for the pain they've caused me and my daughter. I'm sorry to ramble.. it's so nice to vent since I have no one to talk to. I wanted such a happy life for me and my daughter and him and he ruined it all... I was soo good to him..

OC has C and it does make me uncomfortable for OC to call me mama. OC calls BIL daddy and H "Daddy H's name". It makes H sad, but as BIL is not that good a dad and as OC grows up he will know the difference itputs things in perspective. OC calls me "Jen-Jen" (Name changed to protect the innocent"

OW has said repeatedly that OC has only 1 mama and OC will NOT call altered mama. She insists on the daddy according to BIL even though OW said she does not. Although at Christmas dinner, H was holding OC was pointing at different people and H said where's mana and OC pointed at me

OC will know when they get older who treated them like their children and who treated them like a meal ticket, bargaining chip and burden.

CS sucks and we pay out about 272 a month to OW. H has a 2nd job but CS is not coming out yet. However OW had H buy diapers or clothes when they are broke. Unemployed sorry #@!*!

Altered, my fwh pays that per WEEK. OH I would love for him to pay much less! It has taken a huge toll on us, and

feelingbipolar, we live in a combined income state, and I had gotten on my fwh to research if the cOW is working to get the CS lowered. He's afraid to rock the boat in case she is and his obligation increases. Although I ran some numbers and it looks like it would decrease, albeit not by very much. But hey I'll take $10 extra a week! I highly highly doubt she's working--she hasn't since 2008 why would she start up now? But remod is going to have me very stressed. Plus he pays off the arrears at the beginning of next year and we know the cOW is going to freak because the $ will decrease (he's paying arrears plus CS, to the tune of $300+ a week... ). She originally wanted $450 a week (HAHAHA)!!! Good thing is that that will virtually NEVER happen unless my fwh gets an insane promotion, which the chances of that are zero! I had to pick up extra work because at least this way we know my income is safe (although she tried 3X to get mine added).

(((sage))) so very sorry you're going thru this right now. We are here for you to help you out.

And thanks for the kind words y'all! I just refuse...REFUSE to see BS's get screwed anymore than they do with the system, which is not set up for this type of situation. I have read my state's guidelines up and down, to the point I considered changing career paths because I'm also reading case law as well! I got so much support and love here when I first started, I'm more than happy to help out as much as I can.

We are DEFINITELY a great group of folks who have been through a lot. WE will come out on top in the long run, remember that!

[This message edited by IslandWahine at 9:43 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)]

((Island))

Where can I find legal information, case law, etc. from the state I need to? I am not a lawyer but I can prepare myself through knowlege.

I started with the state's website with the guidelines. Every state (to my knowledge) has the guidelines available online. I then typed up "child support case law" and the state. I also checked out legal sites like avvo for info also. I made my fwh call lawyers for a free consultation. I spent hours upon hours just googling searching and reading! I also read the comments sections of articles that have to do with CS in our state--people post some real stuff in those comments that helped me do more research. Armed and ready is the best.

I'm Madge. I've been with my husband off-and-on for almost twenty years. When we got married, we decided to put off having kids for a while because he was still a pre-med student and would soon enter medical school. Eventually we moved across the country so he could participate in a prestigious medical program. Eventually he was offered an internship at a hospital in the same city, and that's where he met the OW.

I met the OW, a resident and another doctor, at several work parties/functions. She was always cool to me and, it seemed, her colleagues and their spouses. I mentioned it to my WH, and he said she didn't get along with many people. Well, it took about six months and then the two of them were getting along very well in a particular department.

I was absolutely shocked when I discovered them together on D-Day. I had gone out of town to my sister-in-law's bridal shower. I'm best friends with WH's sister, which is how the two of us met. I really missed my WH, so my SIL/BFF told me I should see if I could get on a standby flight and go home early. I decided to surprise him by getting home early and making dinner. But when I walked into our apartment, his coat was hanging on the coat rack. I will never forget what I saw on a small table we keep in the entry hallway: this square ugly black leather purse with a cheap looking silver buckle. Not my purse for sure. And I remember thinking, 'Why would a strange purse be here? Did he buy it for me? Is it a surprise? Did SIL tell him I was coming home early, and he bought me this purse? Because it couldn't possibly be another woman's purse because WHY WOULD ANOTHER WOMAN'S PURSE BE IN OUR APARTMENT WHEN I'M NOT HERE AND HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK?' And then my WH came into the hallway, and he was covering himself with a towel, because he was naked, and I thought of the part of the bible where God goes into the garden of eden and he knows Adam and Eve have sinned because they're wearing clothes. They have something to be ashamed of, just like my WH did. Because since we first slept together we've never felt the need to cover up our nakedness to one another. I thought I was going to faint because I could just not understand what my mind was trying to tell me: he's not alone in here, there's a strange purse in your apartment, he's naked, why why why why what is going on? And then the OW came out. She was naked too, but she's almost 40, and before I started crying and screaming I had this brief moment when I was happy because my boobs are bigger and perkier and I look better naked. I took her fucking purse and I cried and screamed at her to get the fuck out. I pretty much lost it. She grabbed her clothes and I let her stay long enough to put them on and then I spilled the contents of her purse in the hallway and slammed the door in her face.

If my WH hadn't come clean with me immediately, if he had TT me, I would have been on the next flight back home. I couldn't be in our apartment - I still have trouble being in it, so we're trying to find a new place, which is of course DELIGHTFUL - so we went for a long walk in the park. I was still crying very hard, but we live in a city where strangers don't pay you much attention, so I don't think anybody stared. He answered a lot of my questions and begged for my forgiveness and said it was only a PA and he's been under a lot of pressure at work. I'm a writer, and I'd like to get my first novel published, but so far I've received rejection notices. I've taken them hard, and he said he had trouble handling my bouts of unhappiness. I asked him, why her? Because she was available and willing. Do you love her? God no. But you screwed her? Yes, because she was available and willing. We walked and talked for several hours, and at the end of our talk we decided to go for reconciliation. WH's actions since D-Day make me want to believe that it was just a PA. He's been sweet and remorseful. I'm not a furious BW, I haven't been as enraged as I was on D-Day since then. I'm more depressed. My WH's very handsome and has this to-die-for accent and I guess I've always thought I was lucky that he loved me when I didn't feel anywhere near as attractive as he does. I don't know what I'd do if the OW was a Angelina Jolie type: older and wickedly sexy. That's something I'm trying to work out in IC.

He went NC with the OW except on work matters, and she staid away. I told him I don't think she's capable of love. She seems like a robot to me. She's very reserved and austere. Then she contacted him a few days ago to tell him she's pregnant. I never thought she liked kids, much less wanted them. She told my WH she's keeping the baby because this is probably her "last chance" to have a child.

When my WH told me about the baby, I broke down again. I sobbed until I thought I would throw up. I feel like my world's caving in. I won't bear my WH's first child, which kills me and breaks my heart every waking moment. My WH told me he needed to be an active part of his child's life and if we staid together that I needed to welcome his child into our home. He told me over and over how much he loved me, and how sorry he was, but that this was the way he would become honorable again. It made me want to scratch something's eyes out at the time, but after talking with my IC I decided I personally couldn't have staid married to him if he would abandon his child. I mean that as no disrespect to couples who have gone the NC route. It's still what I wish I could do. But I would always wonder, if he could abandon that child, could he abandon ours? And me?

I still don't know how we'll handle this. Part of me hopes she's lying or the baby isn't his, but I've always been a prepare-for-the-worst type of person. I have been looking for books, but many of them only devote a few pages or paragraphs to OC. I have decided the only way for me to handle this is to be a third parent, meaning I'm not a stepmother, I'm another mother. I can't stay in this marriage if my WH and the OW have this co-parenting bond. Does anyone (if you're still reading this novel of a post, that is) think that can work? I'm not sure how the OW will feel about me becoming more than a stepmom or her child's dad's wife. But I'm not going to let her sideline me.

Another huge issue is telling our family. We haven't told anyone yet. The person I most want to tell is my SIL/BFF. I know she'd go postal on my WH if she found out he cheated on me. And I don't know what to tell my parents. How/when did you tell family members?

I'm exhausted. So I'll stop now. This was harder to write than I thought it would be. Advice and wisdom from those who have gone before me much appreciated.

[This message edited by madge13 at 12:23 AM, April 13th (Friday)]

Madge,

Welcome to the group although I am very sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. Let me start by saying that no one in here judges your decision on what to do concerning the OC situation. Everyone in here has a to make a decision that may not be popular, but it must be one that YOU can live with. If you go back to Pg. 3 of this thread you will see the OC Handbook that I reposted for people going thru this. It has a few suggestions from members who have been thru this to help you sort out a course of action. First thing, make sure there is a baby. And you and your H have to be a united front in this situation. I am going to tell you that he will probably change his feelings about this situation several times. That is why you need to be proactive. It is up to you about telling others, you may be to emotional raw to share this with anyone IRL, make sure you are ready.

Although I am giving custody of the OC up to my STBX and OW, they are still a part of my family and I still relate to the OC situation. Please feel free to lean on us for support. Hugs to you.

ETA: Quite frankly I don't think it is evil of you to feel like you do. If you do have children with your husband, they will be conceived in love, not like the OW who more than likely planned a pregnancy.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:09 AM, April 13th (Friday)]

(((Madge))). BMC is a total wealth of knowledge! We are all in our own individual struggles, so no judgment here. Although we are NC with the OC, I do not feel offended at all by what you said. I know I personally have felt guilt about NC, and so does my fwh because he is an amazing father to our COM--but everyone's situation is so incredibly different. We are dealing with a psychopath on our hands so the NC is for our family's safety and sanity. I was so fearful of other judging me/us for the decisions we have made--I stand by those 100%--but I was so worried. Turns out that those who I have told have been so incredibly supportive, and this site--while no one wants to have this reason to be here--this site is an absolute life saver where you will not be judged. So first things first--decide what YOU can handle and deal with. Make your own decisions from your heart and mind.

This section here is an incredible source of support.

The OW in our sitch is absolutely impossible to coparent with. However, if we had to it would be with me 100% involved every step of the way. The OW has to remember that she messed with a MARRIED man, therefore you 2 are a package deal. Make firm boundaries for your H, your marriage, and fully agree on how to approach and deal with this. Talk about CS with your H--you can play with the state calculator in your state to determine how much it will cost. Good to know now, read over the state's guidelines, GET A LAWYER. I know I sound like I'm jumping the gun--after all the OW could totally be lying about being pregnant and trust me we are all rooting for you that she is not--but I'm also a die-hard planner and I do not like surprises!

Do NOT EVER give the OW money unless it has been court ordered. Don't try to be "friendly" and handle this without the courts involvement from paternity to child support and custody/visitation. The court sytem doesn't really seem to know how to really deal with an OC situation to be honest--but without court intervention a bad situation can become worse.

Read the handbook BMC talked about if you get a moment--so much helpful info. Take what you want, leave the rest behind. It's more of a compilation of experiences vs. a textbook read.

We are here to help you. The weekends tend to be a little slow--I try to make a point to log on at least once an evening but I will be away for the weekend because we have family coming up. I will try to check in though.

This is such a supportive place to be in a situation that none of us ever could have imagined being in. I am fairly new here and have already received a lot of great information and support. One thing that I have decided is that because all of us have such different situation, are very unique people who are in unique relationships there is no "right" way to handle this. Island gives great advice on how to navigate through and protect yourself and family. In my situation I struggle terribly about the NC vs. C issue. OW and OC live several states away so C means fwh traveling there. I have gone a few times and being there and not being there are both hard. I am torn between feeling H should have some type of relationship with the OC and also not wanting him to because so far it is so hard on me. I will say that one piece of advice in the handbook that I wish we had followed (I hadn't found SI at the time) is that it is best to have NC until you have worked on repairing your marriage. It is too hard to repair a marriage with constant contact with OW and OC. That has definately proven true in my case. We have now gone several months with NC and for the first time in two years I am feeling somewhat normal. I am not obsessing so much and feel happier. Good luck and hugs to you.

Thank you everyone for the advice and support. The OC Handbook has been very helpful to me. I told WH we need to get an attorney and have our attorney handle the interactions between us and the OW. We're going to begin looking on Monday.

Right now we're trying to give ourselves goals to work towards, because in times of turmoil it always helps me to have structure. Right now we're focusing on finding a lawyer, then contacting the OW through him/her to establish that there is an OC and that the OC is my husband's. The good news is that if she agrees to a prenatal paternity test we could do it pretty soon.

If and when we've received confirmation of the OC and paternity, we'll work on creating a legally binding parenting plan. Or something that lays out in finite detail how we'll manage to raise the child together. Once that's sorted, which might take several months, we'll tell our families. I think we should tell them sooner, because I could really use the support. But WH panics whenever we talk about it. He's worried our families will now hate him. His anxiety fed into my fear that he's only pursuing R because he believes divorcing me would invite too much of his sister's enmity.

Have a happy weekend everyone. And I agree that everyone's situation is unique. I do sometimes wish my WH would let me decide how we'd handle the OC. I feel like him giving me an ultimatum about "accept the OC or we have to divorce" was another way in which I've had no say in how my life turns out.

Madge, I am by no means an expert at this. But, unfortunately, I do have some experience. I would like to share a bit of my personal experience with you. Before OC was born I felt so confident about everything. I kept telling myself that I was a good and kind person and I have spent my professional life working with children of all ages. I figured, I could welcome this child into my heart becuase he was an innocent victim like me. It just didn't work out that way for me. Everytime a visit would take place it was a huge trigger. I had nothing against the little one and enjoyed him but his existence deeply hurt(s) me. So, every visit, my PTSD would kick in big time and I would go very far back in my healing. This has gotten to be exhausting. We are taking a break from visits now and it feels wonderful. I haven't felt this normal almost 2 years (DD was 6/10). This may not happen in your case, I just wanted to share my experience.

Hey all,

Hope I can get some help. I was on this thread 3 years ago when I found out about the A and the OW was pregnant. She claimed it was her H's and WH verified timeline. She had already had a positive pregnancy test before WH and OW had intercourse. I had to take his word on it.

Now, my worst fear is coming true. OW and her H are divorcing. From the internet trolling I find the following regarding paternity in their divorce case...does anyone know what this means?

"Motion for Default Judgment for Paternity." Her H is the Plaintiff and OW is the defendant. Then later in the document is "Motion to modify TO"

It does also show where he has taken parenting classes. He is also on the registered sex offender list for sex with a minor. My H can pick them right?

Does any of this mean that there is a question of paternity?

Thanks for any help you can provide.

This sucks....d-day antiversary is next week. I hate this.

Hello. Don't quote me on this, but I would *guess* that it means that there may be a question of paternity (especially if the H is the plantiff--perhaps in the divorce the CS is high?), but for most states a child born within a marriage is automatically her husband's, unless he fights it within a specific time frame (varies greatly amongst states). The "default" paternity tells me that the H is automatically the father. A TO is usually a temporary order, like a temporary order of child support or something like that.

So to me it sounds like HE is questioning the paternity, and there is a temporary order in place which he wants changed.

I'm only guessing--hopefully someone else can stop by and give you a better answer?

(((fleury)))

Thanks Island, that gave me another avenue for internet searching. Looks like in our state if they sign the birth certificate, they have a year to question. It has been more than a year.

I think he has a minimum wage job so I could understand where the TO might be excessive to start. Although he filed, so maybe she has to pay him? I am thinking she makes more money than he does, but she has 2 other kids by 2 other guys so......she has been down this road before. The hearing is on the 1st, guess I will be cyberstalking a few days after that to see what is happening.

Thanks for the info.

Take care,

fleury

The TO is almost always higher than the actual calculated amount. They make it high on purpose from what I've been told. Then it gets adjusted after that. My fwh's TO was over $300 higher than what the actual support ended up being.

Some states it's as little as 60 days and as long as 2 years to contest paternity within a marriage. The courts don't want to "bastardize" (I read that in case law hence the quotes) the child, therefore that's why a man is on the hook for a child that's not his that was conceived in a marriage, even if the wife cheated. It's unfair to the BH because he has to pay CS until the child is 18 (21-23 in some states). He may be out of luck if he has gone past the time of contesting. Although I have heard in some states more and more cases have been able to go past the time limit (my state is one of them).

Hope that helps!

Read a thread in another forum that was from a ww/ow perspective. I normally can be supportive and offer positive comments but realized I still can't be compassionate to an ow with an oc situation.

On the wrong day I still feel like telling anyone involved - ow and wh - what post they e