SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I also worry I am teaching my daughter who is 9 that cheating is okay or to accept cheating. I also worry what kind of message I am sending to my step-daughter who is 15 now but 13 at the time when her parents starting having an affair. I know I shouldn't worry about my actions affecting my step-daughter considering the actions of her parents were WAY worse. But when the exW/OW told step-daughter about the affair and that the newborn twin sisters were actually full sisters, her 1st concern was about me & her dad's marriage. She told us it was "her law were not allowed to get divorced". Now keep in mind her mom & step-dad had already separated months earlier and she didn't say anything of this nature to them. She actually told me over Christmas break while she was here, she thinks I am a better mom then her mom ! I talk to my girls (I think of my step-daughter as my own) all the time since d-day about not letting any boy treat them bad and to move on if they do. I also explain to them it takes a lot of hard work for me & their dad to stay together after everything.

Although the OC should not feel bad I can not imagine that they would feel good about either parent. I know a few and the secrets and lies told to cover things up are just so damaging. How do you trust or have faith in people when the two that concieved you are basically dishonest people. I have no idea how you get married???? Neither parent recognized or respected the vows of marriage. I worry about this with my children. How do they recognize a good man/spouse? Worse what if they just think cheating is normal and become WS. I have so much work do to teach them to be wonderful women who respect themselves and others. Also this is what makes me want to leave. I worry I am teaching them that this is ok and you just take it.

I agree with ALL of this. I feel like I could have written it myself.

Full - your step daughter sounds awesome :)

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:40 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

My fiance showed back up late last night. He said he was not going to celebrate Christmas with them.

Sorry for the kids, but I feel glad for his choice. Hopefully by this time next year we will have a custody arrangement sorted. He decided to take on extra work to make more money towards that.

bumping for new member

So here’s how my fWH’s court case went:

OW: I think fWH should pay me support because he can work; he chooses not to.

Judge: Ms. OW – he has a documented disability preventing him from doing the line of work he’s trained for.

OW: But his wife works as well; and they live in a house and have 3 cars (Idk what this looney broad is talking about - we have 1 car)

fWH: Your honour, I have other children with my wife – I cannot afford to support another. I know I created this situation but I cannot afford it.

Judge: Mr. Stronger you have a responsibility to pay support however, since you’re not receiving a working income I cannot recommend you pay any financial support. However, can you spend time with your son?

fWH: I tried your honour; but she’ll only allow it without my wife and at her apartment

Judge: Ms. OW I am granting Mr. Stronger access – your son deserves to know his father and extended family. And the visits need to take place in a public place – OW – you cannot make Mr. Stronger spend time at your apartment. However, Mr. Stronger, the first few visits need to be you and your son alone. Until he’s comfortable with the idea of your wife. (the idea of ME??? HELLO!!! THIS BITCH CAME BETWEEN ME AND MY H, BUT EVERYONE ACTS LIKE I BROKE THEM UP!!!!)

fWH: Judge – I don't want access.

Judge: I will put this provision in – it’s up to you whether you exercise it.

The court pretty much ended and OW left (with her idiot friends and boyfriend) saying, “what a loser – he can’t even afford to pay support!”

And we’re done (with her anyway – our marriage is a separate issue).

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:09 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

To make a very long story short. I am trying to cope that my husband(then fiancé) cheated on me with a one night stand and a child was conceived. My husband was living abroad at the time. We soon married and immediately started working on a family shortly after he arrived.. My husband didn't have children (I have two from a previous relationship). We are in our 30's thus why the urgency to start a family. Up until "D-Day", we had what one would consider picture perfect. We built excellent communication and rarely had arguments or felt upset with one another.

D-Day...11/12/13

About a week after I found out we were pregnant. I saw durin my B-day weekend he had a FB app on his phone. So my intuition lead me to search for him.. I mean if he had an account I should be his friend. Well when I found his page I saw he had a picture of a newborn as his profile and wall. I clicked on pictures and saw liked by a woman. Went to her

Page and saw picture on her profile of them together. He

Confessed it all. He said they hung out while she was vacationing and only had sex the last night which happened to be his birthday. He said he was intoxicated and was stupid for sleeping with her. (i test regularly and so far negative). I found out about the baby when she was 3 weeks old. A month after d-day we found out we are carrying twins.

I could move past the infidelity but this OC makes it seem impossible. He said at first and until after she was born he denied the baby and wanted nothing to do with the OC. He said the entire time he had hoped someone else could've been the father.

The OC is now three months old an I am four months pregnant with twins. I find it so unfair to have to cope with his child. He says he will take he DNA but he know it's his

Because she looks like him as a child. I tried reaching out to the OW when I discovered this all but she never replied. Since I discovered this all pictures of him and her were taken offline. She has even changed her FB profile not realizing I can still see her. She wants him to meet the baby and asks him if he doesn't because of me. He now says he loves the baby an wants to be in her life. I am so devastated. I scarificed myself by having more children. I don't know how to cope or move past this. He wants to be with me and just wants to be in the childs life. I get so mad because I am no longer a priority . Had I been the only mother then no one else could make demands. I don't think the OW should have any benefit. The baby don't know if he is there or not. The OW shoulldnt feel whole while I feel incomplete . I don't think the OW deserves any bond with my husband. If it were up to me I would prefer little to no contact until this baby can talk for herself. Until then what's the point. Why should she save face and my dignity is destroyed. How does someone work through this?

I so badly want to contact the OW and tell her to back off! The baby does not know my husband exist. They live in Canada we are in US. He will be there for the OC when it matters. Is this too much to ask for?

I realy would like opinions on those who have dealth with OW and OC. Our situation lives in Canada so I don't believe there are any legal rights. My H has decided to be involved in the child's life, ie. picture and maybe a visit 1-2x per year. OW has asked my H if he doesn't see the baby because of me. I only found out 2 months ago and the baby is 3 months. I told my H, baby don't even know you exist. I told him any visits will be with me and our kids. I have read I can make demands its within my right. I jsut really want to contact that OW because I know she thinks she has some kind of right here. How do you manage these whores!

Yes Camp you do have rights - but it's up to H to respect and enforce them. The OW in my situation acts like I broke up her family and stole her sons father away (not sure how that's possible considering I've been with my H for over 10 years and they have an 8 year old - you know?) Anyway - my advice - if you keep your H away and he wants C (contact) he will resent you...even though you have EVERY right to be pissed about the situation. I don't care if it's a baby - this situation is unfair on all levels. If he insists on contact you need to make the rules

1. No conversation with OW that's not in your presence (including email, social media etc)

2. No visits without you - the OW's seem to be famous for trying to get visits alone.

She will try to make you look like the villian - like you're keeping her child's father away. Your H needs to DEFEND you always. No matter how silly he thinks your requests are - you deserve to be treated like a queen and all requests honoured and what you're asking for is not unreasonable.

I'm sad their are SO MANY selfish people out there willing to sacrifice their family and carelessly bring a child into this world conceived into lies. It's a shame. Are all children a blessing? Yes. But let's not be idealistic - not every situation they're conceived in is a blessing.

(((CAMP))) I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

OH and don't bother contact the OW - they're usually smug, self righteous and don't care (like I said...they'll make YOU the bad guy).

Camp, I would have beat your WH a$$ like a gong for what he did on facebook. Seriously?

And probably I am not all that sympathetic to these men today.

Today, I found my WW fiance misled me about his "working" while he was staying at mommiies house ignoring me. On new Years eve he went over to his ex wife/ow apartment and spent the new years evening and night with her, his daughter and OC.

Apparantly I forgot to ask the exact right question, becasue he insists he did not hide it from me. He actually texted me happy new year and the SOB was at HER house and I am supposed to be all understanding of it because it doesnt happen on a "regular basis". FFS every 2 weeks is a REGULAR BASIS.

and he is playing coy and says I need to CONVINCE him not to be doing it instead of DEMANDING.

If ya'll hear someone got kilt over by the bayou, it was ME who did it.

and he is playing coy and says I need to CONVINCE him not to be doing it instead of DEMANDING.

Um...he should be abiding by your DEMANDS. No questions asked. Jackass.

stronger~ I am glad to see that "Ms. OW" won't be getting a red cent from your H....so Yay for that! I am shaking my head at the decision to order visits between your H and OW without your presence though. Where we are, custody/visitation and support are two separate orders and very rarely have anything to do with each other. It sounds like your H doesn't intend on visiting though....are there any kind of legal ramifications if he simply doesn't visit? I would hope not.

Camp~ welcome to the thread. I hope, for you and the babies' sakes, that you are able to get as much help as possible. I know how much it sucks to be pregnant and dealing with this kind of stress at the same time. *hugs* The choice of C or NC is a difficult one, and it takes a lot of communication between you and your H. We have had C with the OC and OW, and it has been very rough, to say the least. It sounds like there would be quite a distance as far as visiting the OC in your situation.

Kalli~ I'm sorry to hear your H is being such a jerk to you. Have you read the article on here about going 180?

Things are rough here for the time being....in about a month now is the custody modification hearing, both H and I are worried about that. What sucks even more is that it will be a heavy trigger period for me, as that is right around the time H and OW first had sex, right before I gave birth to our second daughter This time of year had been easier to deal with in recent years (especially last year, when I got to go on a fun trip with some friends), but now we're going to be directly dealing with more shit from OW.

We just recently started paying medical insurance again, more than what we were paying before, so that's a big chunk out of H's pay in addition to support. H went to file for a support appeal to the Superior court, but he was told it would cost more than $1,000 up front! Yet OW filed for the custody hearing with the Superior court in her state, so did she have to pay that much too? So we have to file with the general support office, again, and this time we're waiting until we have enough money for another lawyer. But for now, we're scraping by on a bare-bones budget and I hate it.

I hope everyone else is doing well. Any word on the adoption, Want2?

Thank you "stronger by the day" "Kallio..." and "Sparkle"

Kallio i'm sorry your fiance is treating this way and trying to undermind your intelligence. This is just such a horrible situation we all find ourselves in.

Well, to report my H at first was resistent to me saying contact needs to be minimal as OC is 3 months old and has no idea of his exisitence. He thought I was being jealous of the baby and trying to control him -its a cultural thing for him. I agrued with him telling him its about OW and how she needs to know her place. She is not his baby mother, she is the mother to OC. I told him this is more about her trying to create a parenting bond between the two of them. He has no kids and this is OW's first. This OC is his first (well pending DNA confirmation) and I'm having his first experience. I told him she doesn't need contact with him. If she wanted to share pictures/videos she could do it via email - our shared email account. He has already agreed I will be there with him during visits and since OC is so young no need in going now when she won't even know. I told him we can plan the first visit for her first birthday so when she see's pictures she can see he was there. I mean as OC grows up and is old enough to decide how she feels about her father, pictures when she is 3 months old won't matter. If he is there with calls, visits for important events (i.e graduations/birthdays/marriage) and he is successful at establishing a father daughter bond, then it won't matter if there is a picture of the two of them when she is an infant. Let OW figure that out. It's not up to my H when they didn't have a relationship. Again, this OW is confusing things as if she has rights because she spit out a child from her vag. In my eyes she is just a hoe (cuz I'm sorry I don't spread my legs randomly, and if I did you damn sure I would protect myself. If condom broke I would run to the nearest clinic whatever and swallow plan b. She was on a resort, ding dong they have plan B on the shelf just for this reason.) OW has asked if he doesn't see the OC because of me is a clue she is trying to make me out to be the bad guy.

OW doesn't have his phone number and only had his FB account. I told him the relationship will exists between him and the OC not a shared relationship between the three. Its unfortunate for the child but let her mother explain to her why she brought a child into a world where OC couldn't experience being raised by parents (together or separated) I do it with my previous relationship - long distance too. My ex is two hours away and we meet up every two weeks to exchange. The difference is we were in a relationship for 10 years. This OW and my H had no relationship.

Well he deleted her on Wednesday and last night I get an inbox message from OW asking my husband "contact her about his daughter...thank you". I wanted so badly to reply, but I gave him my phone and told him to handle her. He did . He called her and told her to not message me ever again. He told her her shit is causing riff in a happy home - my clue H gets my point that she is not just sharing but trying to create a relationship between the two of them. She said the baby was hospitalized. He didn't seem to concerned so I'm sure its nothing life threatening.... if I was the mother I would not be concerned with telling the son of bitch father who hadn't met my child or was with me my entire pregnancy that the OC is in the hospital. My ass would be in the hospital with my baby or if home I would be more concerned with trying to make her comfortable. What does she expect, its not like he could run over there. I knew she was trying to manipulate him again. It was his birthday yesterday. She probably went onto FB to say Happy Birthday and realized she was deleted and got sour about it so thought she could use the baby as a way to manipulate the situation. Baby probably had RSV virus as infants commonly get and needed an updraft and given her age they kept her for observation. She used it as a way to make it seem she needs direct contact, oh well try again.

Anyway, he did DEFEND me. He said she will need to contact via our shared email. My husband seems willing to make sure I am happy and comply now. He wants things to work out with us and wants the drama to end. He says he is more interested in building our life together and will be there for this OC when she needs him. He says he regrets what he did because he never wanted to have children with someone other than who he married. My husband is a very attractive man (I'm gorgeous too so not like I would have trouble). But in the entire 31 years this man walked the earth this OW is the one to get pregnant and keep a baby from a one night stand. It was suggested she was hunting to get impregnated. My husband had always said his impression was she really wanted a baby. He knows he's an idiot for thinking with his penis and has said over and over again he regrets that night. He says he feels terrible for the pain and turmoil he has caused me and would give anything to go back to that night. So for me, she shouldn't get the previliage to make her wrong into a right either. Too bad OW if you wanted to share parenting you should've chosen wiser too.

[This message edited by Camp12 at 4:06 PM, January 17th (Friday)]

Advice Please.

I was reading a bit about child custody laws in Canada.I am looking to see if my H had a shot in the legal system there to get Visitations documented. Other than writing up an informal agreement, he has no shot at getting granted visitation. My fear is if the DNA is positive then this jerk OW will try to turn things around and be a bitch about letting him see or visit with daughter or even share pictures. I mean she will turn this around I'm sure, and my fear is he will resent me.

He laid the conditions down that she must use email as communication. No longer can she is FB. All day today the whore has been posting pictures of herself. If her kid was so sick then why care about updating your profile pictures on social media? I can already see this is going to be an uphill battle with her trying to drive a wedge between us.

How do I manage this? Any strategies anyone could suggest?

Camp~ I don't know about the laws there, but usually the courts grant at least some kind of visitation with the father, unless he has a history of abuse or bad record. It might not be standard visitation for awhile, but once the child is older, your H could file for modifications to increase custody. Unfortunately, you can almost count on OW making things as difficult as possible. That's one of the biggest cons to having contact. My H doesn't resent me for OW's behavior~ it makes him resent her and himself, for putting us in this position. Limiting contact to just e-mail was smart. Just be aware that OW might abuse that, too. Set parameters for the use of e-mail, and if OW keeps crossing the lines then report her for harassment.

Thank you Sparkle. You are right it is up to my H with regard to OWs behavior. The email is a shared account so it will be transparent when she tries to get out of line. I just wouldn't want her to abandon his chances of getting to know this OC as a form of retaliation. Eventually she will as she see the limitation imposed ad try to manipulate her way out of it.. But that will be her choice. I feel better now and look forward towards preparing for the arrival of my babies.

From reading your post I guess this journey will not only cost grief but lots of money too. I hate this. I often tell my H, i know if I did this you wouldn't give me the same courtesy. He just gives me a blank stare. It is such a sacrifice we woman go through to remain dutiful wives and to keep our families. There is a reason infidelity is a sin, because of the anguish and pain that it brings. I wish you the best of luck with your journey I hope in the end we all find blissful happiness and love.

Ughhh so quickly the battle begins. This weekend was definitely eventful. So my H had told me he was going for a weekend with friends he hadn't seen all at once in years. It was about 8 hours away. Ok lots of insecurities boiled up, but I thought hey I like my weekends out and he had been stuck at home for a couple of months. Well I was up yesterday morning to a FB message from the OW. When I opened it I see pictures of my husband holding the OC and with pictures of the three. A message reading " this was where he has been". My heart began to race! The message sent at 4 am. He messages me at 2:30 saying he was still out at the club, he missed and loved me and couldn't wait to come home. I messaged OW to tell him to answer to me. His cell was off she replied all coy and shit but did say she dropped him off at his hotel.. I then went into our wireless account and found his last calls. He called his friend and asked him to pick him up. I asked his friend for the number he called from.

Imagine my H surprise when he heard my voice when he picked up the phone in the room. Well he was upset and then proceed to tell me he was sorry for lying. He just needed to find out if OC was his. He said he did it because I was crying and upset all the time and he knew OW wouldn't comply if I was around. He bought a home DNAloot and was looking for the opportunity to swab the baby. He said the results were negative and it was all over now. He said he told OW off and that was why she sent the pictures. He said he took the pictures and played along because he wanted to get that opportunity to swab the OC. He said he wanted to stop the pain he had caused.

I called him an idiot and said he could have handled things as a married couple would.I explained the flood gate of drama, pain, and mistrust he has caused. Well this OW shows up at the Hotel. We were on the phone while OW sat there and stared at him.

Prior to me calling him I messaged OW and gave her the opportunity to give me the context of the weekend from her point of view. She never replied. All she did was show him the message I sent.

Well OW shows up at the hotel room while he and I were on te phone. She just sat there and stared at him. The hotel was in her name. Based on the hotel room she sent pictures of and the location of the hotel he was in I knew he wasn't with her. I knew he was just a fucking Macho Moran thinking like a child would instead of a man. Believe me I told him. Well while he and I were on the phone I would try to call the room but she kept disconntcting texting saying he's not answering the phone because she was there. Her dumb as stayed there for about an hour until finally He got her to leave.

After six hours I get a FB message from her saying "I don't believe you". Then two hours later she post a profile pic of the baby but you can see she cropped my husband out just enough where you can see a small portion of his face. I never responded. I wasn't going to engage her. She was seething because my H told her he wanted nothing to do with her or OC. He believed it wasn't his child. He offered her to provide a sample of the DNA she refused. (I told him it was impossible to test paternity without a sample of all three and an analysis.) he threw the DNA box away and didn't have it. I cared less not my problem. My kids know who their father is.

Well to sum it up, OW returned home. My H train was leaving in the morning. I spent the day trying to be calm for the sale

of my babies. This OW didnt get I am the wife. In his mind OC is not his and he had nothing to do or care to say to her. She failed to realize if she played my way he would have done a legitimate test, and probably she could have had a bit of clout because I had imposed the restriction of communication through email.

My H is a whole other issue. He is on the train home. A 10 hour trip. I never responded to FB messages, blocked her ass, and he has washed his hands. She may have felt victory for 24 hours but who is home withering in tears - not knowing what to do about a father for her 3 month old. Not Me! I knew her thoughts, she was bitter because he has always chosen me. When she told my H she was pregnant he told her to get an abortion he wanted nothing to do with her. He then said he would never claim the child. She was a One Night Stand. She may have enjoyed the last two months posting pictures, sending him videos, messages about the baby.

I know it's too soon to celebrate. We still have to go get that legitimate DNA. But the bonus is now, my bonehead H sees this has never been about OC, it has been OW trying to get revenge, and destroying our relationship would have given her the most pleasure. Well she lost this battle and now knows the only way this OC and my H interact is through my conditions. Not hers. She in my eyes is out the picture long enough for me to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy.

@camp

Firstly- Really happy for you if the OC turns out to not be your WH's- keeping my fingers crossed for the legal paternity test and getting the crazy OW out of your life for good!

What a horrible woman showing her true colors. She is using every last pitiful weak thing in her arsenal to try and trap your WH (and you) into being in her life. How pathetic to have to try and manipulate people into being in your life.

However, how utterly horrible the way he went about trying to figure it out. Sending hugs and good thoughts hoping he will treat you the way you deserve and you can get past this.

Hope everyone here is surviving and thriving!

Camp:

He said the results were negative and it was all over now. He said he told OW off and that was why she sent the pictures.

This isn't even possible. All dna tests must be sent to a lab, period. I am sorry, but I would not trust a thing your husband has told you. He constructed a huge lie and went to see OW & OC, behind you back. If I were in your position I would not be anticipating a celebration, I'd be changing my locks. PERIOD.

Sorry to see more people joining this "club", but at least you've come to the right place.

As for our situation, apparently DHS is very backlogged and the adoption will likely not be finalized until this summer. Also, OW has not turned in the paperwork that our attorney sent her SIX WEEKS AGO. It's not holding the adoption up at this time, but it could potentially if she doesn't fill it out by the time the adoption is ready to be finalized.

OW thinks she's hot shit, but she's borderline illiterate. The emails she has sent me are pages long yet lack any punctuation whatsoever, not even a period. After the way she botched the notary signature I feel like we need someone to hold her skank hand while she fills this out, or better yet, a ghostwriter. She is just SO stupid.

It makes me laugh to recall that shortly after giving birth to our COM (after almost 2 years of NC), OW wrote me to ask me if I'm afraid FWH still wants her "sexy, intiligent, over acheiving ass" (yes, she misspelled those words). Yes, I live in constant, paralyzing fear that my FWH prefers an ass-wiping trailer park whore with a high school education to his wife, a woman of class and standing (on her way to her doctorate, I must add).

Want - sorry this adoption is being held up (but think positively - summers not THAT far away!)

OW thinks she's hot shit, but she's borderline illiterate. The emails she has sent me are pages long yet lack any punctuation whatsoever, not even a period. After the way she botched the notary signature I feel like we need someone to hold her skank hand while she fills this out, or better yet, a ghostwriter. She is just SO stupid.

It makes me laugh to recall that shortly after giving birth to our COM (after almost 2 years of NC), OW wrote me to ask me if I'm afraid FWH still wants her "sexy, intiligent, over acheiving ass" (yes, she misspelled those words). Yes, I live in constant, paralyzing fear that my FWH prefers an ass-wiping trailer park whore with a high school education to his wife, a woman of class and standing (on her way to her doctorate, I must add).

That was too funny! fWH's OW is the same - she thinks she's the hottest shit around and irresistable (I guess thats why 4 out of 4 of her children's fathers DON'T want to even be around her...hmmm...doesn't say irresistable to me!)

Sparkle - where we live (CANADA) the judge makes ALL the orders (support/access) in the same meeting. She's issued a final order for no support so, unless fWH starts working, he doesn't have to pay support or visit. My question to OW would be: and the point of all this was? Her life is exactly the same as it has been. No support or communication from my H. The only difference? Now her son KNOWS what a trifling bitch his mom is and wonders why no man wants to be his daddy. I'm sad for OC. His mom's a lying idiot, treats him like a friend and tells him EVERYTHING that's going on. Psychologically, how must this be damaging him?

Anyhoo... before we left court she stopped us and she was bragging that she graduated from a career college and said we're jealous of her success and that OC doesn't need us anyway(it's one of those colleges that has to advertise on tv - I'm not knocking those who've gone that route but jealous? Come on!). Want2help - I laughed at your comment because - I too am a college grad and on my way to getting my LLB (to become a lawyer) soooooooo.....why am I jealous of her? LOL.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:12 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

prowoman. thank you for the hugs and well wishes.

Want2Help perhaps I did not correctly convey myself with my post. I know a proper DNA requires a lab analysis. I told this to my H. You are right, at the end of the day he went behind my back to meet this OC. It was stupid of him and hurtful. But do not judge my situation by saying changing locks because I have made the decision to try to rebuild. This is based on our circumstances. This OC is a product of a one night stand while my H (then fiance) was living aboard. The OW lives in Canada and we are in the Northeast. The positive I took out of this is he now see's my suspicions about OW are true. Since finding out two months ago I have said its about OW and not OC. He now see's OW was more interested in sending me pictures and creating a wedge betweem me and H rather that her child building a relationship with her father. OW was so stupid to think it wouldn't backfire. Now my H has said that anything to do with OC will follow my terms - which I thought was the best way to handle an OW.

I also commented that I knew not to celebrate, because we need to do a legitimate DNA. I know deep down its his. But now I have clout to say all communication must be through email and visits will be in my presence. Let her have to swallow me not the other way around.