SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Stronger:

(it's one of those colleges that has to advertise on tv - I'm not knocking those who've gone that route but jealous? Come on!)

This is hilarious because OW JUST started one of those colleges here! The kind that they play the commercials for on late night tv, during talk shows! She is paying over $30,00 for ONE YEAR (my tuition and most of my cost of attendance are paid), and she won't even have an actual degree, just a certificate that allows her to sit for a nursing exam. I have many nurse friends here who have told me (without me telling them WHY I was asking) that there is absolutely no demand for the position this certificate allows you to have. Not to mention the credits are not transferable to even a community college!

I told FWH that if I end up having to contact her and tell her to fill out the damned paperwork, I know she's going to be all "Oh, I'm just so busy with COLLEGE." And I will not be able to keep myself from telling her "Oh, I know, I'm taking 16 credits a term at a REAL COLLEGE." (No offense to anyone at those colleges, of course!).

Oh, these OWs. It almost feels like they all crawl out from under the same rock, doesn't it?

Camp:

I was not judging "your situation". Never did I say that YOU should change your locks, I try to keep from telling people what to do in their own situations, just what I would do if I were in their place.

However, I still stand by what I said. If my FWH had constructed a huge lie to meet OW and OC without my knowledge, for me that would end my reconciliation. I personally feel that would be the ultimate betrayal on top of conceiving a child with another woman.

Any contact with OW behind my back, once in R, would be reason to end my marriage. If my FWH went to meet OW and OC behind my back, and conspired with OW to arrange this, for me there is no coming back from that.

The plus side is that OW went out of her way to cause an even greater rift in your marriage, and in doing so threw your FWH under the bus. This kind of behavior from my fWH's Ow is what made my FWH hate OW. For over 2 years she never bothered to contact FWH, just made it her mission in life to harass me, and try to (in her words) "ruin my life". This showed my FWH what kind of a person she truly was.

I will be hoping that the OC in NOT your husband's. I know biologically how possible it is when intercourse occurs at the right time, but I know how much we had to try to conceive our COM, so a conception during a one night stand is much slimmer (compared to my FWH, who was evidently boinking his sow on a regular basis).

Be well!

ETA: If your husband is still claiming he did any kind of a dna test, he is still lying. I have a medical/science background, and dna extraction is a complicated process. No test in the world could accomplish it without a skilled laboratory employee. So, take that as you will.

[This message edited by Want2help at 9:04 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

I've never used any kind of site like this before - by that I mean forum not infidelity specifically. Ever find that trying to formulate the words can be the most gruelling part?

So my story. I gave birth to a baby boy - a beautiful perfect baby boy - at 24 weeks gestation. He weighed 1lb 7oz and lit up my life the second I met him. Children had been my WS's idea. I wanted a family of course but he decided the time was right for him so we had our son. My ex-husband (not current WS!) had given me an STI from an affair and the result of delayed treatment was an incompetent cervix hence my baby's early arrival. He passed away aged 7 weeks. We fell pregnant pretty soon after and another bouncing boy was born. Perfectly at 38 weeks.

He will be 2 shortly and is just under a year younger than his older brother. I found out last January my WS had been texting a woman he had met in his daily commute. He advised me nothing in it an she had asked him out which he refused. I was hurt he said it was over we moved on.

Our son turned 1 :). I found out in oct they were still texting. I was hurt he moved to his parents for a while. In nov I found out it was a full blown affair but that it was over. He advised he never had unprotected sex (my fear of which is shown above). He stayed at his parents. I grieved and cried. I wanted my family. I vowed to try. I found out yesterday she gave birth to a baby girl in dec. None of this I have learnt through my WS it just seems this information falls to me! I haven't told my family or friends as I have no idea what I feel or want.

The OW wants nothing to do with him. She has told him he will never see the baby girl. I still have no idea where that leaves me and my son. I don't feel it is the child's fault but i also have no interest in being dragged through paternity tests

Lost and confused :(

Can I ask the opinion on paternity testing? We have a son and the OW just gave birth to a girl. Neither of them advised me of the child but I now know if her existence. OW is not allowing contact and WH says he does not wish to know her. I'm amazed at how many of you have contact or custody. Should we/I purse him to do the right thing by this OC? Should we ensure paternity test carried out? Or does that all open a new bigger can of worms?? Can't believe this is my life!

Mamabears, sorry to see you here, but you've come to the right place.

First of all, is she claiming that this is your H's child? Do the dates match up? When did she inform him of the pregnancy?

Secondly, no, you should not force your H to "do what is right by the OC". What you SHOULD do is consider long and hard what is right for YOU and your COM (Children Of Marriage). Can you live with a man who knows that he has a child out there, and yet does not have contact with that child? I for one, CAN. My FWH has never met OC, and has no desire to, as he has no emotional attachment to OC and does not foresee himself being able to bond with OC (nor does he have the desire to try).

This is an unpopular stance among people who knew that OW was having his child, they said "How can he not see OC?!" However, when a woman aborts a child, particularly an OC, or giving it up for adoption, few, if anyone, question her judgement. She is not called a "deadbeat". My FWH is forced by court order to pay Child Support (CS). His name was added to the birth certificate without his permission (by the courts, after the paternity test proved that he was the biological father). My FWH considers No Contact (NC) to be the only choice he has had in the matter.

If you have a paternity test done by the state, they will likely begin child support proceedings, particularly if OW is on any kind of government assistance, even medical assistance. There are "at home" kits, in which the mother, child, and potential father are swabbed, and the swabs are sent to a lab. All parties must consent. These kits can be bought at most pharmacies.

Also, if no paternity is established, OW may, in the future, either go on assistance and name your FWH as the father (they evidently ask when a mother goes on assistance), or decide on her own to pursue child support. In this case, she will likely be awarded "arrears", which will be the monthly amount she is awarded x the amount of months since OC's birth. I know someone whose fiancé had this happen to him with a child who no one even knew existed. The child was 16 when the mother decided to sue for support, and by that time the "alleged father" was tens of thousands in arrears, in which case your license can be suspended, your passport revoked, etc.

I hope this answers your questions, feel free to fill us in on the details of how you found out about this child, and ask any questions you have. If you need to private message someone, you can message me. I will keep checking back.

Thanks for the advice. It's an unpopular viewpoint and I want to be a good person but I too feel if he has no feeling for the OC or the OW and if she has no interest in him then I would rather not pursue it. My concern is for my son when in 16 years some girl comes looking for her daddy

He found out about august time she was over 20 weeks pregnant he hadn't seen her since conception and so had not known she was pregnant. She handed the OC's birth certificate into my place of work to claim assistance for housing and maternity payments. Hence today I have been looking into how to secure my sons financial position and extradite myself from WS financially. She says she does not want his money but I'm aware someone who's moral compass evidently does not point due north leaves little in them to be trusted.

I guess I just want to know I'm not some spiteful human being for hating that this child exists. I won't be pursuing any paternity testing unless the OW approaches us and by then I hope to have our finances resolved in a way that safeguards my children.

I'm only about 36 hours from dday so I can't say whether I can continue with my WS but I know that if we do not manage to pull through it won't be over access to his OC and NC will always be my preference.

wow, the sheer drama of everyone's stories. It's like it's never ending. Wears me out.

My fiance has decided he will see his children a couple of times a month. And if he wants he WILL stay overnight.

I decided he is being a POS to stay over night. He is staying at his mother's. AGAIN. I have no idea exactly, because I AM 180 him. I can't even talk to him without getting upset. I may have lost perspective, ask me in another week when I am more detached.

I have the strongest impression he partly thinks what he is doing is ok because he was once married to OW. Bad boundries and I need a break from it.

Kalli, I have been following your posts and seriously wonder: Why in the world are you still with your WF?

Dec15, this board is strictly for those of us dealing with the OC situation. It is NOT for "following" people's posts and questioning why they are attempting to R with their SO.

I would imagine that Kalli, like the rest of the BSs here who are attempting R, is still with her FWF because she loves him, has time invested in their relationship, and wants to make it work. She has no evidence that he is actually cheating.

The Mods have posted on this thread before warning members that this thread is ONLY for those dealing with OW&OC situations, so if you are not included in that statement, I will not hesitate to notify the Mods again. We deserve to feel safe in the one thread dedicated to us.

Kalli:

Good for you. 180 him. He is crossing major boundaries, and I think he knows it.

Mamabear:

I definitely was not able to make any concrete decisions for months after finding out OW was pregnant. The most anyone can expect for you is to live day-by-day. You are fortunate to have found this board so quickly after Dday, I didn't find it for over a year and did many things wrong, including acting like a doormat to OW when she called my phone to harass me.

As for money, OW brought the U/S picture she had taken that day of OC when she announced her pregnancy, and fully expected FWH to get back together with her right then and there. When he told her he still didn't want her, and still wanted to try to work things out with me, she yelled that she would take him for every penny, and "Let's see if Want2help wants you now! I can't wait to see the look on Want2help's face when you tell her, let's see if she loves you NOW!" She has been equally intent on hurting me our whole R. She is a spiteful, cruel, unremorseful OW.

Keep posting, we are all here for you.

[This message edited by Want2help at 11:46 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

Want2: Didn't know about that rule. Won't post here anymore.

Kalli: Sorry if I unwittingly violated your safe place.

Can you live with a man who knows that he has a child out there, and yet does not have contact with that child? I for one, CAN.

Want 2 – can I thank you for a moment? I felt like such a selfish bitch with the fact that I was ok with my H going NC with the OC. I thought, as a mother shouldn’t I insist he do right by OC? But thanks to a lot of advice on SI I realize this isn’t black and white and I have the right to do what’s comfortable and safe for my family (thinking of me and my children – since H obviously didn’t do that!). If OW was so worried about a father for her child PERHAPS she should have protected herself and/or not had sex with a random person!!! They were one of the rare cases where she got pregnant after one encounter.

And yes…I think all OW’s crawl out from under the same rock!!!

Mamabear – I agree with Want2 – if you can live with your H going NC with the OC then do it. However, if he decides he wants C and YOU are ok with it – legally (once paternity is acknowledged) he has rights and she cannot stop access or visitation IF it’s what you two truly want. But – don’t do it if you guys feel obligated – do it because it’s a relationship you want and can truly live with. I mean, what’s worse – growing up without a dad or growing up with one who resents you and considers you nothing but an obligation? It sounds mean but it’s true.

Kalli –

I decided he is being a POS to stay over night. He is staying at his mother's. AGAIN. I have no idea exactly, because I AM 180 him. I can't even talk to him without getting upset. I may have lost perspective, ask me in another week when I am more detached.

I’m proud of you for 180-ing him. He obviously doesn’t understand boundaries and the fact that OW is his ex-wife doesn’t make it better – is he delusional? I’m sorry you’re going through this. As Want2 has said, you’re in a safe place – please keep posting whenever you need advice or to just vent.

I’m sorry we’ve all ended up here.

Mamabears~ welcome to the thread. Since it sounds like OW in your situation is already saying that she will make contact a battle, I think NC is wise. We have contact, and I have regrets about that. My H was on the fence about it, and I would talk with him, saying that I thought having contact was the right thing to do (in my situation we already had contact with OC previously though, because I was there when OC was born, I took care of him the first few months, our daughters knew OW etc.). Paternity was also a waiting game for us, because OW went after support from another married man she was screwing around with. Even after he was excluded, she said that she "didn't know" what she wanted to do, but planned to have her 2nd husband adopt and take care of OC. A year after that, she suddenly calls up saying she is pursuing court ordered support against my H because "everyone" was telling her that she should. That was also around the time that she dropped any guise of civility towards us (me in particular). She asked to get arrears from the child's birthdate, but they would only grant it to the date she filed the order.

What I've learned is that having contact with a high-conflict personality is draining~ emotionally, mentally, physically. It puts a strain on reconciliation....it is still completely possible, but it brings a lot of triggers and potential arguments. Sometimes I feel that all of this crap that OW has put on us was not worth having contact with OC.

The fact that you said the OW sent paperwork to your place of employment bothers me, and seems to signal that she will seek compensation. I hope that the OC is not your H's child.

I think I'm in a bit of denial or hysteria - I'm not sure which. It just won't seem to sink in its so unreal.

Had my in laws through on sat for an overnight and they are aware if the situation but like their son are a bit of the stick your head in the sand type. Yesterday was Sunday dinner with all my family at my parents - none of whom know obviously. It's so awkward but at the same time felt totally natural as if nothing had changed. It's messing with my head!! I asked him how he got his head round it and he says he hasn't and he's had since august. How do I come to terms with it? I worry this is really unhealthy! I hate what they have done to me

This is my first post in this section. You can read my story in the "When the WS becomes pregnant" thread on Just Found Out. I'm about to face the OC scenario from the other side of the coin - as the (current) husband but not the father. There is probably some content in this thread from my perspective but I haven't had time to comb through the nearly 40 pages to find it. Regardless, what I have read brings the reality much closer to me. So far I've been dealing with conjecture and presumptions. I've likely been way too optimistic...but I still can't accept that there is no happy outcome that also includes my living with my kids full time. There is so much pain and heartache on this site. So many lives turned into a farce of a daytime talk show. Then it happens to you and there's nothing funny about it. I've been beating myself up as the world's biggest loser every day for the last month (D Day). Yet when I look around here I don't see any losers. I see survivors. People who have taken control of their lives. This gives me hope. I'm just not there, yet. :( Anyway, my WW and I keep trying to keep what is best for the kids at the center of our conversation. This thread is going to give me a lot of perspective from people who are actually living it. Peace and strength to you all.

Hello, and welcome, strangeasfiction.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been following your thread in JFO, and you are getting some good advice there. Seeking legal advice, even if it is just an initial consultation, is probably one of the first things you should really think about doing. I was able to have a consultation with a really good family lawyer for $200, in which I got a lot of my legal questions answered. Also, I was the only one who signed any papers at the lawyer's office, so if we had gone the route of D, I could have retained that top-notch lawyer, and my wife could not. It's always good to have options.

You seem like a helluva nice guy, and even entertaining the thought of raising another man's child in such a manner speaks volumes about your character.

My situation is a little bit different, in that I didn't find out until my son was almost seven years old, so there was already a huge bond there. Also, the OM suspected that my son was biologically his, but he didn't know for sure. During the NC call my wife told him that we weren't going to do a DNA test, and to stay away. He scurried into the shadows, and hasn't been seen since. I ended up taking the DNA test, and have no inclination of ever telling the OM.

Another fact: I cannot legally contest paternity, because in my state there is a statute of limitations for the presumed father (the guy on the birth certificate) to make such a claim, which is five years. The OM, my wife, or my son can all legally contest paternity until he is 18 years of age. It's laws like this, which vary from state to state that make it so important for you to seek legal advice and have knowledge of what you are facing.

There are a few of us guys here in this situation who can understand and empathize with what you are going through. The women here on this thread have some amazing advice as well, even though their situation is slightly different from ours.

Hang in there and keep posting. My heart is going out to you.

Sending you strength and peace.

Thanks, LFW. I've got a rough road ahead no matter what. And tough decisions to make. I'm not ready to face all of that yet. The good news is that I am indeed getting quality advice here. I'm looking up family law attorneys today.

I hope you never ever hear from the OM again. He should leave you and your family alone. Enough has already been done.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. It must be so very painful for you. I hope that you find support here.

My father always says you think you have troubles till you hear someone else's. I felt like my entire world had been ripped apart. I can't even begin to imagine how this is for you strangeasfiction. This thread has amazed me by how many of us are in the same situation. Take strength from the fact that you are not alone and whilst we might not all be familiar with your particular brand of heartache we are supporting you. I know I wouldn't have survived this week without it

This thread has amazed me by how many of us are in the same situation. Take strength from the fact that you are not alone and whilst we might not all be familiar with your particular brand of heartache we are supporting you. I know I wouldn't have survived this week without it.

I feel the same way. I've been leaning really heavily on a close friend whose marriage ended after her husband's affair. She's been great but I couldn't possibly expect her to give me all the support I need. I've found a lot here. Even from the people who rip me a new one in an attempt to break through all my defense mechanisms and willful blindness. You know what really gets me? Every time I come back to this site there's a new "newest member". Another relationship savaged. It's just so sad and most of us here probably never ever thought we'd be in this kind of situation.

strangeasfiction:

I commend you for even entraining the idea of co-parenting with both your wife AND the OM. While I could certainly see myself adopting OC is OW would agree to bow out, I have a difficult time seeing myself being able to stepparent with OW in the picture (and I was a stepparent before I was a parent, so I already have that experience under my belt and know I am more than capable).

FWH and I saw a MC directly after R, and he was recommended to us because he had helped a couple who were in a similar situation as yours, but without the complications (caucasian couple, caucasian AP, and AP was not involved with the child). The couple made their M work.

My biggest concern in the paternity test. You indicated that the child will be biracial. You didn't indicate what race, but I wanted to tell you a little story about my (white) cousin, who is married to a black man. They have two children together. The first looks exactly like the biracial baby you would expect to have as a biracial couple, and she has since birth. The second baby came out looking 100% caucasian. Like, people started asking questions when she was born (a few months ago). She has my cousin's straight red hair, she has very fair skin (like my cousin), everything. Now that she is a little older she is showing signs of having a broader nose, like her father (my cousin has a tiny, pointy nose). My cousin has never slept around on her husband, it is just how genetics work, I'm sure we all learned in biology class.

I'm telling you this because I would hate to see this baby born and come out looking more like your race (if that's possible, I don't know what race you or OM are, and it's not relevant), you get your hopes up even for a moment (let alone for how long it takes to get the paternity results), just to have them come crashing down around you.

Also, I wanted to tell you, my FWH and I were in a similar situation when our DD was born (years after his A). He worked out of town for months at a time, we barely saw him. I was going to college at the time and raising our infant daughter. Sometimes we would get to travel to where he was, if he was in a neighboring state and if I was off of school. We became very distant, and there was a strain on our relationship.

Do you know what I didn't do? I didn't have an affair. I did not have sex with another man. Instead, I remained faithful knowing that this was just a short time in the grand scheme of things (and it was). Every time my husband came home I told him that I appreciated him for working as hard as he was, sacrificing time with us, to make a better life for us. He told me how much he appreciated me for going back to school, sacrificing my SAHM position, so that our life wouldn't always be the way it was. (Eventually he was laid off and now has a job down the street, supporting us, and I am still pursuing my grad degree).

I am telling you this because I think you are owning too much of your wife's behavior. People all over travel, work too much, don't see enough of their families, etc., and their spouses don't have affairs.

I am so, so sorry that you find yourself here.

I'm telling you this because I would hate to see this baby born and come out looking more like your race (if that's possible, I don't know what race you or OM are, and it's not relevant), you get your hopes up even for a moment (let alone for how long it takes to get the paternity results), just to have them come crashing down around you.

I really have no reason to believe the child is mine. If my WW is comfortable with the procedure we plan to have paternity determined in utero. This is in part to avoid the moment you described but also just to make things cleaner legally. Of course, this could all change if the OM suddenly decides to cut and run. There are no signs at all that he'll do so although I'd be psyched if he did. Apparently he has told his parents...and they are happy for him? How did that convo go?

OM: Hi mom, great news. I'm going to be a dad!

Mom: What? I didn't even know you had a gf?

OM: Well, I kinda do. We've been keeping the whole thing secret.

Mom: Why?

OM: Because she's married!

Mom: Congratulations! I hope it's a girl!

Me: Huh? What kind of family is this?