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So I thought today was bad. I discovered that my wife had started smoking and had been lying to me about it. I was so hurt about the deception it made me start to question other things. I so wish I hadn't. I logged into her facebook account and found a chat between her and her best friend describing my wife's affair. I confronted her and she lied to me about it at first and then admitted to it. My best friend. I am in the military and we were doing some training. I allowed him to stay with us on the weekends because he really had nowhere else to go or so I thought. She had sex with him 4 times and unprotected. I am not making much sense right now because I am still shaking from the shock. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. She says it was a mistake and she is very sorry, that it is over and will never happen again. How can I believe her. We have two children.

confusedhusband,

My heart goes out to you and your two kids.

I went through something very similar as my WW has an A with my friend which happens to be her BFF's H... so believe me, I understand and it makes me so sad you are going through this right now.

You will find incredible support here in SI, you will hear from some true veterans that will make easier for you to understand your feelings... Sundays are a bit slow, so give them some time.

[This message edited by surviving101 at 8:30 PM, November 13th (Sunday)]

((((ch))))

Most of us understand your shock.

Read the healing library. Lots of helpful stuff there.

Best advice I ever got was that I didn't have to make any decisions until I was ready.

Just try to take care of yourself until you feel balanced enough to tackle this.

Everyone seems to be on a different time table with this but it seems most go through heavy mood swings from despair to anger. All you can do is ride it out. Your spouse has done a terrible thing to you that cannot be undone.

I know this is the most painful and difficult thing I've ever been through. You are not alone. Lots of really good folks that have felt your pain on here. It helps. Keep posting.

thank you. i haven't eaten anything all day. i know i should eat but i can't bring myself. i don't feel hungry. all i am doing right now is fighting the urge to get up and bolt. my life is over.

i agreed to talk to her after the kids go to bed. i am going to ask her to tell me everything and without the i can't remember or i don't know. i won't make any decisions. this hurts so bad... i would never have done this to her. worst of all, her friend and her were sharing stories about their affairs. now i have this weight of knowing there is some other guy out there being cheated on and i feel like i am obligated to do something about it.

Confusedhusband:

You are in shock obviously and we all feel for you. My stbxh also cheated with my friend and neighbour, it is like a double death all in one hit.

Your life isn't over, so please don't think that. You have had a grenade thrown at you and you are understandably trying to decide which way to run from it. Try not to make any rash decisions right now. Get out of the house and go to a friends for a few hours so you can get your thought processes in order if you feel completely overwhelmed.

Your WW has got a lot of explaining to do and will need to be showing you a great deal of remorse from now on.

Just try to breathe for now and check out the Healing Library. Keep posting, it doesn't matter what comes out just keep on ranting on here. You will find great support here.

Hugs to you.

Ellejay

Confusedhusband,

Even though you are feeling this right now, I PROMISE you your life is NOT over--you will get through this!

I, too, had the shock and disgust at finding out that my husband of 15 years had been sleeping with one of my best friends--it's a horrible, sick, kicked in the gut feeling

You're going to go through so many emotions in the next few weeks--it's good to keep reading on here about others who have gone through this and to keep writing on here to get support and understanding from those who have been in your shoes.

Make sure, if nothing else, that you are drinking water to stay hydrated. You will get dehydrated easily from the stress. Try to sleep if you can. The mind games/movies may keep you awake, so don't feel bad if you need to take something to help you sleep.

You will get through this....

((hugs))

No. It seems like it is over now but now is when you pull up your boots, soldier!

You will survive, if only for the sake of your kids. You can set a great example of strength and character for them because they obviously aren't gonna get it from their momma.

Breathe, drink lots of water, eat even though you are not hungry. I got some tranquilizers from my doc so I could sleep and eat the first week.

Do what you have to do to get through these early days. It will get better. I promise

thank you all for replying so quickly. i have no one else to talk to except you all. of course my W (i am going to try with the abbreviations) will talk to me but i am not sure we can really communicate right now. i just keep thinking about the number. 4 times! how can that be a mistake?

this is a stupid question but should i go to work tomorrow? i am not sure how i can function.

it's not a mistake..its a cold, calculated decision...she's trying the old tactic of minimizing what she did.

Go to the "Healing Library" and read the BS FAQ's section along with the articles on there. It will be a life saver for you.

SusanR makes a good point.

Now as I look back over the past 12 months I realise that everything I did in those first few weeks, the way I behaved, the integrity I still kept - my kids have learnt from that. There were times when I could have become totally unhinged and done and said things I may be regretting now, but I kept on posting on here and I kept talking it out.

One small step at a time, eat something anything, drink, get tablets if you need them short-term to help you sleep. Function on some level but don't ask too much of yourself.

Ellejay

It probably would be good for you to take a day off. You are not super human afterall.

alright. the kids are going to bed. I am going out to talk to my W. I will check in on the boards a little later. Thank you for all the advice.

..you are in shock..

..please see your doc for some meds that will let you sleep..

..try to eat something and stay hydrated.. and don't use alcohol to ease your pain.

..you will now begin a journey on a raod you never thought you'd have to travel..

..take it slow ..and be good to yourself and stay strong for your 2 kids..

..your trust and your reality have been shattered.. and you can't just make it come back, ..it's too early to decide anything like R,S or D..

..when i learned of my W's nearly 20 year betrayal with my bf of 25 years, i wanted to find him and kill him..

..that wouldn't have solved anything other than give me satisfaction and a life in prison..

..i'll have to let God take revenge on him..

..it sounds like your WW may want a second chance.. how do you feel about that?

..tell her, she must tell you everything now, no holding back.. mine lied to me for more than 20 years, i didn't know what TT..trickle truth meant back then.. i do now

..read from the healing Library and talk to someone you can really express your feeling to..

..vent here on SI whenever and however you want.. you can't say anything here that hasn't been said or heard before.. i've been here nearly 2 years and it is an amazing wealth of information and support..

..double betrayal is a soul killer, i know and can feel your pain..

..there is also a 'Double Betrayal' thread available in the I Can Relate forum..

..i'll be watching for your continuing posts and try to help if i can..

stay strong

smy

The mistake is that they did something wrong and stupid for some thrill or validation or whatever......and in the end they know it wasn't worth it.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Be strong. Read and post here every day. The advice and various threads are so helpful. Read every thread in the healing library. Get your rest. Try to eat. Do you have one trusted friend who won't judge you or tell you what to do you can lean on for help and support? (I'm a BW, and my BFF was one also, so she understood. Maybe another BH will post here and be more helpful than me with advice aligning the right support for you.) Family members are not always the best, so be careful. There is hope for your marriage if it's what you want.

so i am going to work tomorrow. the messages saying that it will get better give me hope. i need to find a way to care about anything right now, and i am not sure how. i hope i can put on a good show at work.

As others have pointed out it wasn't a mistake. Each time she made a concious decision to be unfaithful and show you the ultimate in disrespect.

That said, it doesn't necessarily mean your marriage cannot survive this. The absolute absolute key though is her willingness to take 100% accountability for her actions and not to blame you in the least for what she she did.

You did not deserve this and whatever you do do not let her try and put any of this on you. Stay strong...you will get through this.

My first Dday was on a Wednesday so, I took Thursday and Friday off. We had a family reunion with about 40 people at our home that Saturday and I don't think I could have made it through without the tranquilizers.

Dday 2 was in the wee hors before Easter Sunday. I was more "in control" of myself, more pissed than despondent after Dday 2 so, I didn't have trouble going to work on tat Monday.

Best wishes to you CH. Proud of you for bucking up but please don't forget to take care of your needs, too. Can you get into counselling?