SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First of all I would like to say that I posted on another forum and although some of the posters there were very helpful, others made fun of me and accused of being a troll, I should have known better once I had lurked there for awhile looking for advice and if your story doesn't follow some posters script they will accuse of being a troll. Anyways I hope to find some help here, the long and sort of it is that my wife of 17 years started a pen pal relationship with an inmate for the last 6 months, this guy has a life sentence, I confronted her yesterday after confirming that she is indeed having an EA, she wants a divorce and is willing to give up kids custody.

The advice I'm looking for is about my children, I have 5 kids, ages between 16 and 2 years old, only my 16 year old knows about what is going on, What will I tell the younger ones about all this? How will I raise them alone without a mother?

Anyone went through this, being left by their spouse having 5 kids or more???

How do you cope?????

Thank you in advance!

Dear Dad,

Welcome. You'll get a better reception here.

Hold tight and someone with experiance in this area will be with you soon.

Sorry to see you here, but you are in a good place to be.

k9

Im so sorry to hear this.

Before you do anything regarding the kids. You need to figure out if you know what you want to do with the relationship. If you are unsure, shield the children from everything.

R would be much harder if everyone knows. And it being so recent, I would say wait. Don't decide anything hastily.

thats just my .02

I will say this forum is great- the people are very supportive. As for your situation, wow I can't even imagine how you feel. A woman being willing to give up her family for a man who she can never be with? Amazes me. I have not been a single parent with 5 kids- but I have been a single parent- and its hard- you can't control the other parent and I don't know how you feel but I felt guilty a lot- for choosing such a terrible person to have a child with, like somehow I was responsible. First of all- she's the broken one here- not you. Second there are a lot of programs you can get involved in- I had to take him to court for CS. As soon as she leaves do this- her personal decisions have nothing to do with your childrens well being- she should pay for them. I would also recommend the 180- do it like yesterday. I hope this helps and good luck.

I'm so sorry to hear that. It sounds like some crazy nightmare, but no one here is going to accuse you of trolling. We're very supportive - you will find people who can share their experience and help you through.

Since your story is very concise, my immediate advice is Marriage Counseling for you both, and Individual Counseling for her, as soon as possible.

((dad5)) Keep posting - there's lots of people here with great advice.

I am so sorry. ((Dad5))

generally i think that if you can wait a little while to tell the younger ones i would. this is still very fresh and you're likely to go through a lot of swings in both emotions and decisions for a little while.

when it comes to discussing things w/kids... i think generally an age appropriate truth is best. limit the information but don't lie. "mommy and daddy won't be living together anymore" is true but very different from "mommy, has lost her mind and is leaving daddy to spend time with a really bad guy who is prison"

((dad5))

dad)))

You take care of your kids by first,

taking care of yourself.

Eat, stay hydrated, start taking walks with them (exercise).

Read the healing library.

There are a ton of weird stories on here, but yours is one of the strangest I've read.

- she's in an EA with a guy in the clink for life

- she wants a D

- she wants to sign over custody

Part of me says take advantage of this brief time, It sounds like she's 'giving up'...not trying to string it out, torture you with lies and false shows of sorrow. That can be a good thing - for you -

it allows you to proceed with a D (Divorce) without punitive measures against you...aka, living hand-to-mouth due to child support payments.

This period of time is usually brief. In not too long of a time, the WS gets the "What the heck am I doing?" thought, (usually with coaching from AP's & others who are not friends of the M).

I say use this time to your advantage. Whatever benefits you, benefits the kids.

I have no idea what crazy alien life form inhabited your WS to make her decide to do it this way. Perhaps in time she'll come to her senses, and you can decide what to do from a position of power THEN.

You'll get tons of support here.

Stay strong dad)))

We got your back.

Welcome (((dad5)))) to the club that no one wants to join.

So sorry that you are facing this situation. Sending u strength for u and your kids. It will get better. Take care of you so you can be there for your kids.

Maybe in the I can relate forums you can find someone in a similar situation. Until then, there is someone here who will listen to you, and be your support. We look out for each other here. So post often. It helps.

[This message edited by openedupmyeyes at 6:01 AM, January 12th (Thursday)]

It's all support in these forums. I'm so sorry you had to come here, but it's a great place to be. Read up on the Healing Library, I've had a few articles really help me out in tough times like this. Take care!

Thank you so much everyone, I'm really touched by the warm welcome, I been in tears all day, don't know what happened to my marriage, my family, my life. I'm devastated and heart broken, I have not expose to anyone since I found for sure what is going on, not sure if I will or if is worth it, don't want more drama in my life than what I'm already dealing with.

Wife refuses MC/IC I offered to pay for it, she could choose the counselor, she doesn't want it and does want a divorce, among many other things I found on her computer searches for divorce, marrying an inmate, conjugal visits etc etc

I talked with two lawyers at the company I work for who advised me to take advantage of the fact she wants an amicable divorce and is willing to give up custody in my favor, she also wants the value of her half of the house, they told me is worth it and I can sign a strict deal with her regarding the kids, anyways this will take at least a few weeks and in the meantime I have to deal with her weekly visits to this guy in jail.

My head is spinning and I just want to protect my kids from all this, I'm also concern with the danger she might be putting ourselves in, I'm scared for my children.

Thank you for listen and the warm welcome.

Hi Dad5,

I'm so sorry to hear your story, like everyone else has said - here you will get plenty of support and advice. I agree with waiting though - she may wake up and decide that this isn't what she wants.

As a mother of 2 I cannot imagine giving up my children for anything!!! Who knows what this guy is telling her, he has obviously brainwashed her in thinking that he is the one for her... She is living a fantasy life at the moment... Her bubble needs to be popped!

She definitely need some help - IC is the way to go. Even if it doesn't work out between you two at least you were able to say you tried.

With the kids I do not recommend them being told quite yet. If need be just say that mum and dad are working on things at the moment and regardless of how you feel towards each other you will always love them.

I'm sorry I cannot give much advice as my situation is not the same, but stay strong and be there for your children as best as you can. Look after yourself and try staying positive.

Lots of love and hugs to you.

(((hugs)))

I agree take advantage of getting custody as it sounds like she has lost her mind right now and there is no telling if she will find it again.

As far as the kids, I agree again with hexed, tell them what is age appropriate. The 16 year old can know a lot of it, the 2 year old and younger ones, "mommy and daddy are not going to live together anymore, but we still both love you very much. The reason that mommy and daddy can't live together is because we have some things going on between me and her that make it impossible for us to live together anymore and it has nothing to do with you children." The two most important things kids need to know in a divorce is that 1. It is not their fault. 2. They are still loved and will be taken care of. As far as your wife giving up custody and maybe not seeing them much, again, let them know she loves them (it is never healthy to tell a child otherwise), but she is having some illness problems that is making it hard for her to be a good mom right now so she is letting you take care of them for now.

I would also be somewhat concerned about protecting them....you have a right to know who your wife is bringing into your children's lives if they could be a potential danger. So you will need to talk with your lawyer about who she is allowed to bring around the children. It is possible to have things written into the divorce contract limiting overnight visits or contact with other people she may bring home, such as people with substance abuse problems, and I would also imagine certain prisoners/inmates.

I'm so sorry, I know you are reeling right now. Hang in there. It will be okay but it will be rough for a while....

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:05 PM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

OMG dad! I am so very sorry.

Personally, with a woman this cuckoo, I believe I would take advantage of her offer to give up parental rights, simply to protect the kids in the future from a woman nutty enough to be involved with a convict.

Hell, give her house, give her anything, just get those kids away from her.

Listen to the advice of the lawyers you have spoken to.

i am so sorry. take care of yourself and your children. this is a wonderful site and i hope you find peace and healing in the coming months.

Oh dad5, I am sorry your wife has lost her mind.

I know that in the early days it's better just to give hugs and listen but I've got to tell you, strike while the iron is hot and get your kids away from her.

She's deep in the fog and it isn't fair to you and your kids to have to wait around for her to hopefully unfog, maybe.

Do you know who this guy is?

Do you know what he is in for?

Do you want your kids tagging along for visits to the jail with your W?

There are a ton of weird stories on here, but yours is one of the strangest I've read.

Whew.....i agree.....day-um....

Dad5....welcome to SI, bro.....seems like the "crazy train" pulled down your street......

Shes in "love", man.....as crazy as it sounds.....and willing to ...

she wants a divorce and is willing to give up kids custody.

Make an appointment with an attorney...ASAP...find out where you stand......

You gotta know that shes got her head up her ass....she has not thought this out.....she needs a "reality check"....and divorce papers are a good start. Im telling you, man....there is a huge distance between filing for divorce and the final hearing....and this does take time.....

Im not sure if MC is the answer.....ill admit that she damn sure needs some major IC...i'd get that going ASAP...She needs help....she aint hitting on all her cylinders...

Do you know who this inmate is??? What did he do? What is his sentence? I know you said he had a "life" term.......that does not mean what we on the outside think it does... I dont know what state you are in....this matters, as all states are different...he could be in "without parole"....it could be anywhere from 20 to 80 years.....factor in time off for "good behavior" and a 20 could turn into 12 real quick....he could get paroled....hell, he might even be out in a few months... "Life" does not mean he wont ever get out....research this....FIND OUT....I would also think that your wife is not a good source of information....cheaters lie...try to verify this from someone other than your wife.....

take care of yourself....this is not your fault...

Bufffalo

Thanks everyone. My biggest concern are the kids and protect them from all this.

I have a lawyers appointment next week and will start taking care of the divorce procedures, I will try to get the agreement with her in order that she also leaves the house.

Yes, I have a ton of info on this guy, my wife has been going through his court case for hours every night (she believes he is innocent) well he is in for robbery and murder, his accomplice for robbery, rape and murder. He was giving life in prison, already served 27 years and might be eligible for parole in 12/15 years, my wife has also been in touch with the lawyer who had the case 27 years ago, I think she wants to help him appeal his case, her computer searches indicate this. I'm at loss and can't make sense of any of this.

She believes they in love and he is the one, dresses to visit him like if she is going out on a date. My marriage is over but for my kids sake I wanted her to seek IC but she refuses, doesnt think anything is going on, for her she just found love, how can this make any sense?????

Murder, rape, robbery????? OMG!

Your wife has been taken in, decieved and manipulated by a master. A criminal that has had years and years with nothing to do but to hone his skills in manipulation.

I am horrified for you and your children that this is happening. I am also sorry that your wife has fallen for this. But, there is nothing you can do to make her see the light. Let her go and protect yourself and your children.

This is some very very scary stuff.

how can this make any sense?????

Good question, dad5. The kicker is you cant....you cant fix this, man.....you just cant...its insane.

dad5....got a few questions.......is she just turning bleeding heart liberal...a woman on a mission kinda thing, you know....tree hugger,save the world??......or does she think that her and this con are "soulmates" and that they have a future together....like in "love", and all that shit....????

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 7:29 PM, January 11th (Wednesday)]