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Or do you think there are always other 'reasons' for it. I'm not talking about an alcoholic, just someone who only cheated or cheats when they are 'buzzed' or drunk/high.

This isn't related to my affair but I am asking because someone else's brought this to my attention. I know my feeling on it, but I wanted to get others. While alcohol was a part of the first few times my AP and I were together, it wasn't for the dozen or so times after that, and I would not say it had that much to do with the reason the A started.

If alcohol was a part of your affair and you ONLY cheated when you were inebriated, do you think that if you stopped drinking/doing drugs that you would never cheat again? That there really were no other 'issues' at play?

I doubt there will be many in this situation, but someone's specific situation got me thinking....so I will take thoughts on this :-).

Or, if you are a BS whose spouse only cheated when they were drunk/high, are you confident that if they stop drinking that they will never cheat again? (or, as confident as anyone can be in this situation)

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 2:43 PM, February 1st (Wednesday)]

I can't say for anyone else, but it did play a role in our situation, even if only marginally.

Some of the "worst" things that transpired during the A were alcohol induced for sure, and the entire physical portion of his relationship with OW2 occurred while he was very drunk.

I don't think it caused anything per se, just lowered inhibitions and blurred thinking.

BS here. Hmmmm, interesting question. My WH may or may not be an alcoholic, but I do know he uses horrible judgment when he drinks. Early in our marriage, he had two one night stands when inebriated. He admits neither would have ever happened had he been sober.

As for his recent affairs, depression and a cancer diagnosis led him off a cliff. But I do remember questioning his drinking wine at home during weeknights. He now admits, he had joined some dating websites, just out of curiosity, which may have been fueled by the alcohol use.

That poor decision led to many, many others -- and well, here I am.

[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 3:02 PM, February 1st (Wednesday)]

Welllllll....

I am a recovering alcoholic myself so I know a little bit about the subject. But when it comes to wether or not that can lead to infidelity I am not really sure....

You'd have to ask my not alcoholic Wayward Wife.

HT

Most definately.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be here.

Alcohol lowers inhibitions and makes a person more vunerable. Once the line has been crossed then it is much easer to do it again. Then the third time and the forth time, etc. Each time becoming a little bit easier to do. Finally alcohol is no longer needed and the boundry disappears.

If alcohol was a part of your affair and you ONLY cheated when you were inebriated

I think that's nearly impossible. Cheating isn't relegated to fucking someone else. It's also the supporting thought processes...lying, deceiving, misleading, covering up, not owning. All part and parcel. So, if you fuck someone when you're drunk then keep it a secret and lie...that's cheating as well.

Also continuing that behavior and not addressing it, owning it, fixing it...also cheating. It's not an isolated pocket. There are tendrils.

My fWW seems to think as long as she no longer drinks, there will be no more infidelity. I'm not as convinced, but I'm a cynic.

She was drunk most of the time during her A's-even @work she was drinking.

Everything UO said.

And if someone is abusing alcohol... there are other issues there. It doesn't necessarily mean the person is an alcoholic, but it does beg the question: why was the person abusing in the first place?

FWH is an alcoholic so he does fall outside your question. He had an EA. He drank much more heavily than usual while he was in the A, and he did bolster himself by getting falling down drunk before almost every contact with OW. But he was certainly not drunk all of time when he was he was lying to me.

Do you think that alcohol abuse can lead to infidelity ?

No I dont. But I certainly think that infidelity can lead to alcohol abuse. It happened to me.

BS here.

Not an alcoholic but have worked with numerous and think I know about as much about the disease as a non-alcoholic can…

For an occasional drinker? No – alcohol is at best a justification or excuse for having an affair. Affairs always start with a decision and even a drunk person thinks before crossing that line.

For a real alcoholic? Definitely. An active alcoholic will do ANYTHING to keep his booze, including having an affair to create a “larger” more manageable problem to hide the REAL issue of alcoholism. Yep – I know it sounds weird but we are dealing with addictions and warped minds: to an alcoholic it can be “better” to have a spouse focus on the infidelity rather than threaten his/her substance abuse.

Please see my profile.

I believe my husband's ONS was a perfect storm of Crown Royal, machismo, a desire to look cool, and idiocy.

But mostly idiocy.

And I don't really think it'll happen again.

I was drunk the first time I got with OM 1.

None of the times after that. Stone cold sober.

Also stone cold sober with all encounters with OM 2.

But I was plenty "high" on "affair juice."

My BH has had issues with alcohol abuse and has never cheated.

I can't help but jump in on this topic from an entirely different point of view.

During the past 18 months, we have had several careful conversations regarding alcohol. If you asked me 18 months ago, I would have said of course alcohol abuse can lead to infidelity! Not just in the typical "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" sense, but in the sense that in our particular case I truly believed that my husband drank because he was unsatisfied with me and the life we created. That I was the reason he drank.

I can tell you that in all of the years we have been together there have been several opportunities for HT to stray. Business meetings where the alcohol is flowing like water. He has had other women come on to him during these weekend trips. With miles between us and him drunk as a skunk, HT never touched another woman. Why? Because he was certain about us and no matter how drunk he became that never changed.

I could argue that because he is an alcoholic that he had checked out of the marriage, that I felt lonely, that I felt unloved, and that I felt that he was choosing alcohol over me. I could try to justify that because of that I deserved to be paid attention to and that I deserved "happiness". I think those things are true but not at someone else's expense. I could also argue that for the duration of the A I started drinking pretty heavily so my inhibitions were down. But I think it's a cop-out. Although drinking can lower your inhibitions it doesn't throw them out the door entirely.

IMHO, drinking only intensifies whatever thought or feeling that was lurking underneath all along. For example, HT was an alcoholic which intensified feelings that I already had regarding not being good enough. Some douchebag tells me I am wonderful and I want to believe it so I started drinking more to turn off the voices in my head that put me in check, all the while still judging HT for drinking.

The problem isn't really the alcohol. Alcohol is the symptom of the problem. The problem is the lack of communication. The problem is not being able to be vulnerable with each other and really talk about what is going on between us.

You can think about it this way too:

A BS that would usually say that R is going well can sit down and have a few drinks. Next thing you know, he/she is yelling and screaming profanities at the WS, throwing things, and crying uncontrollably. Was it because of the alcohol? NOPE! It's because of the pain that the WS has caused. Those feelings were there prior to the 3 drinks. The alcohol just made it easier to let it go.

So my long-winded answer to your question is that alcohol abuse doesn't lead to infidelity. The groundwork is already there. It just provides the justification.

Thanks for the comments...

UO, there is no question that the infidelity goes beyond the drinking and includes any lying that may or may not have happened. I guess my point was, if you or your SO was drunk every time they cheated (whether it was once or numerous times)...do you consider the fact that they never get drunk again a good enough safeguard against future physical affairs?

Bigger...that is my thinking as well, thank you for the response.

I am not sure if I was too strong in my use of the word 'abuse'. I mean the occasional drinker who maybe had one or two too many and that was the only time he/she had a physical encounter.

In general, i think we are all on the same page. What 64fleet said is basically what has been suggested for reconciliation and I don't agree.

my $0.02: alcohol didn't direct or convince me to step over that line, but it sure did help kick the crap out of the little white man with a halo standing on my shoulder, both times. it's a lubricant to silence the squeaky wheel, but i'd never have been on that road without other, deeper issues.

BS here:

I will say alcohol is an explanation of shutting out the emotions of unresolved issues.

I don't believe that alcohol caused the WS to have an A. Not all alcoholics cheat and not all teetotalers are forever faithful.

I'm not talking about an alcoholic

just someone who only cheated or cheats when they are 'buzzed' or drunk/high.

By definition, this is an alcoholic. It's not uncommon for alcoholic/addicts to cheat - sometimes all the time, sometimes only while intoxicated, frequently while in recovery...

If you drink or use drugs to the point that you cheat on our partner while intoxicated and continue that behavior then you need to go to AA or NA.

my exfwh is an addict, alcohol and porn were his addictions when the PA began and ended.

He has an addict brain and that made the PA just another thing to get a high out of.

I don't think his alcoholism led to the infidelty, but they held hands the whole way.

Absolutely.

BS here... My husband, an alcoholic, spent every night drinking with his alcoholic friend and friend's alcoholic wife to feed and rationalize his addiction. Eventually, because I did not join in, he spent more and more time...drinking with the wife...until I became the enemy because I was a threat to him keeping his addiction. Not only was she not discouraging him from drinking, she was pouring him another... eventually he was sharing his woes drunkenly with her and she became the "understanding" one and I was the boring goody two shoes waiting for him to come home and be responsible.

In my case Alcohol is his first mistress, the OW is just an enabling co-dependant.