SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mandmr1, how is your healing progressing? How is your wife's level of remorse and understanding of what led her to her actions? What is the status of your relationship today?

If your dday is near your registration date, you could also be feeling down as you are at the one year mark. It's a hard place to be.

Spend any time on the OW or affair forums and you will see countless betrayed spouses who strayed post betrayal. It's more common then you think.

Is it a solution? No. Have I considered it? Absolutely.

But like my 17 years of sobriety and the thought of drinking - it is a passing thought that I think through. Neither having a drink or having an affair is a healthy choice for me.

I had one.

It did nothing for me. He had a ONS with an ex the night before he moved in with me, I had never been cheated on and it was absolutely crushing, there was TT and the usual for a few months but on my deloyment he told me the truth and I had my own ONS but it never changed my feelings about what he did. I kept it to myself but still demanded answers from him which is probably the absolute worst way to go about it.

Before I even came clean he told me the fact I could not let go of the first ONS led him to feel like he would never be good enough for me and that I basically ruined his self esteem. I came clean after DDay 2 with MOW and it has made healing soooo much harder!

In our situation each person sees their own hurt as the most important. For me--I was pregnant and she was my friend plus it was a 7month A so I feel like I need all these answers, but for him I lived a lie for three years and allowed him to build a life with me based on that deception. Now every time I bring up the A or want to talk about it, he gets defensive and it comes back to what I did and it all gets very very messy and frustrating.

Even now I know what you mean, I get jealous that he had a "relationship", he had excitement and fuzzy feelings and all that jazz but realistically you can't spend your marriage getting revenge on the other. It sounds like you're smart enough to not go there but just please, please just realize that it won't make you feel better about anything she did and it only brings more hurt into the relationship.

[This message edited by watchtheskyy at 5:55 PM, March 26th (Monday)]

I want to tell my WH that I will have an affair while I'm married to him, see the OM a few times a month at a hotel, text him THOUSANDS of times a month while sitting on the couch next to him, use his toothbrush after giving another man oral sex, lie to him about what I'm doing and then come home and revel in his housekeeping/caretaking skills and sleep cuddled up next to him as if nothing had happened and in 18 months we can talk about whether or not he wants to be with me....

What if the WS reacted to your RA by calling the relationship quits. It may seem far fetched, but if they are really, really, really trying, and we (BS) just go and have a RA then I would be worried that it might send a message that our relationship is not worth the effort, and it is more important to be "even" than loyal. I know my WS is doing all he can to help us through our R, and if I had a RA, then he may just turn and say the pain he inflicted was obviously too great, so there is no point going forward. I do think he may feel like this because he does understand how highly I value his loyalty. For me to have an A would be saying, " I can't do this anymore and I don't care...".

Please be careful out there, you may just get a reaction to a RA that you are not prepared for. Try to keep focused on your goal, not your pain.

I know it is hard, I have had those fleeting thoughts too.....but ultimately, I want us to work, and grow old together. Plus, he is the only one I want to give myself to.......I would feel like a prostitute, doing it for reasons other than love- sex for a momentary gain, is not a memory I want to have when I grow old.

I thought about it, never could/would have gone through with it. It was sort of just like those revenge fantasies you have of the suck up at work falling down the stairs or something.

I have a relative who has had a revenge A on his wife after a LTA. How did this work out for him? Several years later she left him for the OM and is currently sitting squarely on the fence dangling cake in front of both the BH and the OM and they are both gobbling it up. So, I would say in their situation it didn't work out to well for the BH to have an RA.

Mandmr1

Brother, let me tell you, it is not worth it. I did not seek an RA. I was done with the M. Filed, moved out, thought I was moving on. reached out to a younger woman who was kind. I used her like some kind of fucking monster. We never had sex, but I used her emotionally. I will never, ever, really forgive myself for that.

Don't be that guy. Do not sell your soul in hopes it will make things even. You can never get even. They sold their soul. There is nothing to get even with. Either they find their way back and it is hell for them, or not. You cannot do anything to them to inflict the same hurt that they so happily inflicted on you.

Praying for your strength to find that you are worth more...

I thought about a lot of awful things while I was in the rage stage. I did not do anything of them. One's thoughts come and go but one's actions tend to stay with you and have consequences.

I have discovered that my W's affair has a lot to teach me about what kind of many I am, and what kind of man I want to be. Overall, I am doing pretty well.

I appreciate the instinct to do it but it is a bad idea.

Rebreather, compared to this time last year it's night and day...DDay is Feb 8 last year... I took off 2 months of work...I was completely insane...

So my level of healing is much better, but I'm still stuck... WW is showing remorse and I absolutely LOVE how she is now...

It's just the many many years of deceit and betrayal, not getting the full story, never will..,

It's only been 13 months...

There is not a damn thing I can do about what she did...

This is a club that would love to have all of us, but not one that any of us should aspire to be in.

Affairs hurt those that love us, but IMHO they break those who engage in them.

my desire to have an RA is just a symptom of my brokeness brought on by WH's A. I had never even really looked at anyone else since we were M. But now oh wow things are different. Not only that but people are attracted to me. I have been propositioned 2 times by a male friend, which ended in me blocking him on fb, while separated WH did some crazy stuff and I went went loco, joined POF and met another BH the next day just to talk, we were both pathetic, and we didn't do anything but had WH not came crawling back right then I could have down something I regretted, I also have a huge crush on a single dad from school and I was about to get chatty with him while S, but he didn't pick up the kids that week I was about to bite the bullet. A relatives friends guy friend was asking about me. Darn last weekend out with WH for work party a guy was hitting on my as I walked by and nonetheless if I wanted to go bi, one of his coworkers female friends was asking about me and saying I was hot, lol, so yeah if I wanted to have an RA I could have many times already, its not me to do it though, the only thing I worry about is that maybe my attraction to others is a possible indication that I no longer want to be with WH? Not RA but that it is sign that our marriage is over, ? IDK

MandMr, I am glad to hear things are going well. Being stuck is part of the process. I'm sorry to tell you that. But we all go through periods of growth, then stuck, then growth.

I do think part of your downswing here can be related to the anniversary of your dday. A bit of a "hangover" effect.

Maybe you can plan a date night with your wife? Something more than just a dinner and a movie. Something you both love to do. Also, I'd suggest ramping up the time the two of you spend together. Or plan a series of date nights for the next 6 months, to give yourself something to look forward to.

You are right, I need to do something to try and ge that reconnection with my WW... It's me... I don't know if I want to... I love her... I hate what she did while being married to me... Why??? I'll never know.., but I love how she is now... I'm just stuck...y anxiety has stepped back up... Sleepless nights have re-emerged...self esteem has never been lower...

I tried to keep in mind that marriage is a team sport. No matter how badly my STXWW screwed up the last play, it was counterproductive to be giving my balls to someone else.

Then again, nobody likes playing for a losing team, so I am now looking forward to free agency, but that's over new stuff.

Thinking about this again, i wonder when i get my strength back, my clear soul back, if my boundaries will be different. I actually think i may push it further. Not beyond what i previously had but just a bit more for what i may need. I did this in the vets office yesterday. Normally i would be up-beat, positive, talk to anyone and give attentive advice. Be supportive when a pup is elder etc. This past year, during the obvious affair doubts and feeling invisible in the world with no positive emotions towards anyone, i was dead. Now, feeling a bit myself again, and maybe getting my haha back, i am a bit more aware. I met a pretty hot guy with his elder dog and i actually felt weird about it. Didn't really like having that moment but it was different than before when i would just be married and funny and caring.

I really need attention now when before i always had it without effort.

After dday, my 180, when i sought my interests and found a couple hiking sights and met a group on-line to hike the local trails and left for a few weekend days and came home exhilarated from so much exercise and having met some wholesome new friend hikers and told my WH that i really will be ok on my own, he shat his ass-pants and crumbled. I did not seek an affair site at all. I wanted neutral, no flirt connections just common interests. A hike with my puppy and others wanting the same. And the guys are pretty good looking but not at all a hook-up group.

My husband just ordered new hiking shoes.

Maybe that's a big part of my feelings...facing the unknown alone... Wanting to be desired... Knowing my WW was loved by the MOM... She will be just fine if we seperate or divorce... She already proved that...me, my self esteem shattered... My marriage a lie... I hate this....

I had a brief thought of this and realized this is not who I am nor want to be. I had an old bf message me on fb. He actually said he wanted to meet for coffee. My response (after a second of thinking hmm maybe I should, was - I would love to meet with his wife and him next time they were in town. Funny I never heard from him again. I felt good about my response and it also helped to see that guy in the light. He was willing to cheat on his wife, and I know her!! I did share the messages with my wh who has all of my pw - well except SI...

Mandmr1 - you get to decide what you can put into R, and also what you want out of your marriage or if you want out period.

re·venge   

Spelled [ri-venj]

verb

1. to exact punishment or expiation for a wrong on behalf of, especially in a resentful or vindictive spirit:

As mentioned before, there just isn't a place in reconcilation for vengence.

Anger, hurt, resentment and a host of other emotions need to be dealt with, but vengence isn't the vehicle.

Hurting yourself, an AP and your intended reconciling partner isn't worth whatever near term feeling of satisfaction would result.

Best luck with the healing. True remorse from the wandering spouse and genuine attempts to help you heal are the best salves for the pain.

Not worth it if you are in a fault state or one that awards alimony based on an affair.

That in itself aside from the fact that if you hve been faithful and love your wife, your natural boundaries would probably kick in and you would feel awful about it. Using other peoples emotions for your own good is worse than being a liar and cheat.

Stay true to yourself, because if your R doesnt work, your integrity and character would be your price for revenge and how would you explain that beyond the marriage.

Having been on both sides of the fence I can honestly say i would never be so cruel again, nor would I be so cruel to inflict on someone else the pain I have suffered, nor would I wish the pain I put my partner thru onto someone else all those years ago..

Just ask yourself, would you feel better knowing you would be so cruel to someone else, that my friends is a burden I wish I didn't carry, but I do, and not a day goes by that I don't regret it..

If you are thinking of just sex to make you feel better, drill a hole in a fence post and go at it... If it is the emotional rollercoasteryoure looking for, seek some councelling to help you understand that what you are experiencing is a hysterical reaction to the pain you have felt... Wanting to inflict that much pain onto someone else, or to willingly ride this rollercoaster is an issue that needs to be addressed...IMHO, of course..