As a newbie to this forum, I'm very nervous about posting this, but I crave honesty in my life, so here goes...
I had a RA. A ONS, actually one afternoon, but I did it. I couldn't wait to do it. It was about 4 months post DDay. Old boyfriend in town for a meeting. He is married. Hadn't seen him in 20 years. He found me on FB and told me he was coming to town. I jumped at the chance to meet him.
Hated myself as soon as I walked out of that hotel room. I wanted revenge, I got self-loathing. Haven't told anyone about this before. Even though I crave honesty and truth, I hope WH never finds out. Not because it would hurt him, I think I'd be more than fine with that, I have a very wicked vengeful streak. But, causing pain to XBF's wife because of my selfish behavior makes me feel like pond-scum. I never want to inflict the pain of an A on anyone! I just didn't think it through before.
I had threatened WH that I was going to have an A. Told him I wanted to even the playing field. He said he understood. Almost condoned it. That made me furious! I wanted him to feel what I felt and he just said go ahead! That sure fueled my fire, so when the opportunity presented itself, I did it. I so wish I had found the support online back then. I didn't start using the web to help me heal until months after the ONS.
Anyway...there it is. I suck. I can't take it back. But, maybe I can save someone else from being a total, hypocritical moron.
