SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All....this may not be in the correct Forum, but I will start here.....

So, BH and I had this conversation last night regarding disclosure of the A in a new relationship IF we were to D. He felt I would lie my ASS off about it....which really shocked me!

My reasoning is....if you are unable to save your M despite making every effort on both parts, whyyyyyyy on earth would you want to start off a brand new realtionship with a big, fat LIE about why it ended?

Now, I'm not saying I would meet new guy and say 'Hi, I'm GG, and I am divorced because I cheated on my ex.'

What I was trying to get across to him was that at some point, when I felt we had gotten to know one another on more than just a superficial basis and it was showing signs of being something 'more', I only feel it's right to gently put the truth out there. I would have to hope that new guy would at least take into consideration that I have been working to fix the part of me that did such a thing, and would give things time to see how it plays out.

I know some people would walk away at that moment, just being unable to deal with that at all, but my hope is that someone would take the time to get to know me and allow me to explain the situation and ask questions. I just know that lying about it will do nothing but create mistrust, and it's gonna come out sooner or later anyway.

Plus, my now overactive conscience would never allow me to sleep at night, holding a secret like that. I'm sure this has been discussed many times before, but I missed those threads if that's the case.

That's just my take on it.....what say you, SI peeps?

I would. Not in the first two and a half minutes of conversation, but as a part of any in depth part of why the M ended.

Not that expect to be earning a halo in the near future, but I really want honesty in my life. If (God forbid) my BH can't heal with me, and my actions are a deal breaker. I will have to let him go. I hope I am not alone forever (although at my age, who knows ). Anyway if I met someone else, I would only go forward in honesty.

If that would be a deal breaker for the, from the start- better for both parties that the cards be on the table up front so we could shake hands walk away and not do any more damage. I already feel like freakinf Katrina here most days.

I would too. I've made a pact to myself to tell the truth - and that goes right across the board for me.

I agree with you. Starting a new relationship with lying about the demise of the old one is just going right back to where I've come from. I've not lied about ends of relationships before to be honest, but I definitely make sure I was crystal clear about all this stuff in the future.

I mean the new SO has to know to "whole you" the bad and ugly bits as well as the good bits so get them out at the start openly rather than look it away as a secret... My A was well outed by my BH anyway, so most of my friends and family know and I'm not afraid to hide it. I did this awful thing, but I'm trying my hardest to make our M right now and heal myself to stop this from ever happening again. Chances are it could come out from my mum, another family member or friend accidently anyway. That'd be awful.

I hope to go my M doesn't end in D. But if it does I never want to look at myself and have to say "liar" again.

I would too. Like you, I wouldn't say it on the first date or anything, but I would after we established any sort of relationship. I also understand that it is, and maybe should be a deal breaker for many men/women, but I agree that starting a relationship off with that big lie about how a marriage ended is not right. To be honest I've always been sort of an open book about everything in life so this would be hard for me to keep in.

In general I've been pretty open about this horrible decision I made. I decided to face it head on, open eyes, with as much support (or not) as I felt I needed.

So yes, I would tell. I have a feeling your results may be skewed a bit on this board since most of us are remorseful and doing work to fix the self that lead us down this path :-).

I am no longer in the relationship that brought me to SI.

When I met Manthing, I think we went out 4 or 5 times when I disclosed my previous affair.

It is a pretty significant part of my past, and the catalyst for an intense journey of personal growth.

It isn't something for public information, so I wouldn't put it out there immediately. Once we established that there was the possibility of a future between us, I made the decision to disclose all my "deep dark secrets."

Interesting that you guys had this conversation, though. What was your take on his response to you? True belief on his part? Fishing for reassurance that you are changing? Backhanded attempt to put you down?

helpmegetoverit-

In general I've been pretty open about this horrible decision I made. I decided to face it head on, open eyes, with as much support (or not) as I felt I needed.

I, too, have been pretty up front about what I did. I do this to keep myself real, so to speak. Why hide behind something I chose to do....I did the crime, so I am trying to openly deal with it and not make any excuses. BH was pretty upset with me over just how many people know about it due to me saying 'Yes, I did.' Sometimes I have come to regret my decision to be open, but for the most part I am not sorry.

notthesum-

Interesting that you guys had this conversation, though. What was your take on his response to you? True belief on his part? Fishing for reassurance that you are changing? Backhanded attempt to put you down?

I think it was more of a put down, because his entire comment was 'You would never tell a new guy about this. You would lie your ASS off, I KNOW HOW YOU ARE.'

Well, guess what, Buster, maybe you don't know me so well anymore. What I did has been nothing short of catastrophic to my whole existence, and I am trying SO hard to change the negative things about myself...things that go back to childhood...and it's the hardest thing in the world to break lifelong habits. Things you just do and don't even realize it. This A had caused so much 'ripple effect damage' in other areas....inability to focus, being completely scattered in thought processes....just yesterday I finished up a (voluntary) battery of cognitive testing to see if I have adult onset ADD, or if I may have had some kind of breakdown over the A. I am of the opinion I did have a breakdown. We'll see. I am anxious to get the results, believe me. I know I am not the same as I was pre-A, so.....

But yes, I think he really believes I would blame him for the demise of the marriage, or blameshift it somewhere....anywhere....else...and lie about my role in it.

He is in for the biggest surprise of his life, because lying and hiding the truth has gotten me nowhere in life....other than hurt. It may have taken me my whole adult life to finally 'get' that, but now I work to change it. Every day. One bad habit at a time.

I would. It's a part of my past that contributed to my present and future. I can't and won't run from it. It doesn't define me anyway.

He is in for the biggest surprise of his life

I hope your actions match these words....

Misses....I am definitely practicing what I preach these days. I am being totally open with him, communicating even the smallest things that I always thought were inconsequential in my day....but that HE says are things a 'normal' couple share...(??)....I guess I just didn't think an argument some coworkers had, or a payroll issue I had to fix would be interesting topics for conversation. Who knew?!

The other night I almost had a heart attack because he got the T-Mobile bill and was freaking out over 6 PHOTOS that I supposedly sent to my online album on 3/17. I was blindsided, because I have not sent anything to anyone...we get charged for it as we have the no frills plan. I start looking at my phone with him, and come to find out....they were pics HE took of my cat looking all cute, and he inadvertantly sent thim to my online album, thus incurring a charge.

I was SO thankful I had not deleted them, cause I would have never convinced him I didn't do it if not for irrefutable proof....I know it will take a lot of time to gain back even the slightest amount of trust, but I do not plan on going anywhere, so....

[This message edited by GullibleGirl at 10:24 AM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

guess I just didn't think an argument some coworkers had, or a payroll issue I had to fix would be interesting topics for conversation

. I used to be the same way. I just assumed my H wasn't interested or had no desire to talk with me about everyday mundane shit. I was so wrong. I learned to stop assuming shit about him and give him more credit. It's been a huge game changer in our R.

I have. Each time. My ex has told so many different stories I think he's lost track.

I had one of his offer condolences when she met me in the store and tell me I looked great for going through the chemo. Guess I hated sex too.

Funny how anyone would spend so much time trying to follow and get someone back that was dying and frigid. God, spewed my coffee over that.

Sorry...recent occurrence and haven't stopped laughing yet.

Now, my take on your conversation? Remember, boundaries. It's one thing to bring up affair choices and discuss that. Snark and anger fits with those. Not productive, yet understandable.

Creating future scenarios to whack you with, yeah, not so much. Don't entertain that. Calmly tell him, I'm married to you and will gladly talk about anything you need to discuss about us and your pain anger from my choices. Are you feeling I've lied to you about something? Let's talk about that.

If there are any future men in your life because you two got a divorce that will be their purview. Not your "then" ex's. What you tell them is your business.

I had one of his offer condolences when she met me in the store and tell me I looked great for going through the chemo.

Wow, that's all I'm saying.

Would I tell? Yes. Unfortunately this is a very real part of my life's history now. Any future partner should be made aware. Hiding it could and would lead to disaster. For some, a previously wayward person is a dealbreaker. It all boils down to openness and communication. Divulging past transgressions of this magnitude is part of it.

Creating future scenarios to whack you with, yeah, not so much. Don't entertain that.

Yes. Don't leave out two of the most crucial parts of rebuilding yourself...boundaries and repairing your self esteem. Those things apply to everyone, yes even your BS.

I had one of his offer condolences when she met me in the store and tell me I looked great for going through the chemo. Guess I hated sex too.

Dear Lord, UO, that is just about the best thing I've ever heard! Did you bust out laughing in her face? I would have been hard pressed *not* to! Your ex is apparently still in anger & revenge mode if he's wasting energy badmouthing you.

IDK what will happen with us, even with my best efforts, this may be a sinking ship. I guess I will be the last rat to jump off.

I can't imagine hearing this comment from my H.

If I did, I think I would feel that his opinion of me was fairly low.

And I wouldn't bother to answer the question.

I will ignore the awkward "forward-looking" convo about telling future partners...and say:

Yes. I would have to tell of my WW history at some point. One, because I would want to know if the situation were reversed. Two, because I am trying to live an honest life and own all of my choices, good and bad.

Saying the M ended because I cheated sounds a little short sighted. BH didn't kick me out and file on DDay. We made a joint decision, with full disclosures on my end, to end our M. FWIW.

[This message edited by wwnomore at 2:47 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

Two, because I am trying to live an honest life and own all of my choices, good and bad.

Exactly. Which was what I was trying to get across to him.

I have had one serious relationship since my divorce, and I did tell. He was a FBS, divorced due to his XW's affair many years ago. The dynamic was an interesting one (and at times hurtful); he sometimes held it over my head or brought it up out of context & with some sarcasm/disrespect.

It was hard and embarrassing to admit but I didn't want to start a relationship with a lie.

hb0903 - I hope you are no longer in that relationship..he was clearly projecting his feelings about his XW on to you..I'm sorry you had to deal with that...

Absolutely I would tell. I would never start a relationship without honesty. I have even felt compelled to open up about this to a couple new girlfriends that I have made in the last couple years. Just friends that I have made close friendships with, where we've talked about personal things and our past. It seemed very dishonest of me to present myself as a happily married woman of 33 years without admitting to this.

I agree with your idea of telling but probably not right away. I think if I was out with someone for the first or second time and they blurted out that they were divorced because they cheated on their ex, I would probably wonder why in the hell are they telling me this already. Having said that, I think being less than candid or trying to bury it would be a big mistake.